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My Husband is taking All my Salary and Only Gives me enough Allowance for Food!

(262 Posts)
ImverySad Thu 14-Feb-13 07:25:41

Hi Everyone,

Im just hoping if anyone could help me with a piece of advise.

I am married for 3 yrs plus now, and I've been working for nearly 1/2 year now, My husband is taking all my salary since then, and he only gives me little money for my food. He scolds me everytime I overspend a bit even for a food. And if I ask him to buy me something, sometimes he will buy but most of the time not, and he just tell me this is not good for me.etc..

In normal days when I buy food for the two of us, he will always ask me how much the food costs, and where is the change, and would ask me to calculate the spending and the money left, and I have to return the change to him.

Sometimes he treatens not to give me more money because i always overspend. I would cry feeling helpess and sad coz i feel that im losing my selfworth and confidence. he always tells me he loves me and how much i mean to him, but whenever he is angry, he will use all unneccessary words, such as,(you're bloody or f***G stubborn) and sometimes he would kick me.

I ask him why does he need to say hurtful words and kick me, he will say I deserve it for being stubborn and for not listening to him, and that I need to be discipline, I really dun understand as Im always obedient to him, i even stand up when he ask me to just for him to punish me by kicking me.

He is ok and romantic, sweet when he is not angry, but if he is angry, he always tell me there a limit to his patience, I feel so hurt, as i feel that he does not respect me. he controls evrything in the house. Sometimes Im thinking of leaving him, but i am sacred to do so. as all my salary goes to him. I do not have any savings.

I have my parents to look after too and want to help them by sending them some money, but most of the time I cannot help my parents as I dun have money, I have to ask my husbands permission first whether I can send some money to my parents, sometimes he will send money.

Is it right if my husbands continues to keep my salary? Is it a good Idea for me to move out frist and sort out my feelings? I love my husband and care a lot about him, but I feel that I cannot live with him anymore. I am very sad and confused for years now. I got no one to talk to as I do not have any family or relatives in this country except my husband.

Sometimes I prayed for myself to change and be patience towards him, but i am very tired and emotionally broken that I cant bring myself to talk to him.

What should I do...? what is the right thing for me to do without hurting anyone.?

Jux Mon 15-Apr-13 09:22:03

Hello, my dear.

You don't owe him an explanation. He knows perfectly well why you left, but he may pretend that he doesn't in order to see you again and to then make you feel guilty, he will promise you anything you want in order to get you back under his control.

Or he will pretend that he can't bear to be without you, make all the promises, and pretend that he's changed to get you back under his control.

DO NOT MEET HIM. DO NOT TALK TO HIM. Hang up if he phones as you already have done.

Have you seen a solicitor? Get the ball rolling towards divorce.

Whatever else you do, don't believe a word he says.

HappySunflower Sun 14-Apr-13 21:10:01

Hello Imverysad-I was thinking about you today.
How are you?

Mumsyblouse Wed 03-Apr-13 18:04:47

I just want to encourage you to stay strong. You are absolutely right, this man will not change at all, and him saying he loves you or will change is just to lure you back. Luckily for you you have realised you don't have to be kicked, called names and have all your money taken away by this man, he probably is upset now because he doesn't have anyone to take out his frustrations on and control to make him feel better.

You are free and need to stay free, to look after your family and yourself. Do you have access to your own salary now? You can go to a solicitor for a free half an hour to get some advice on what to do next in terms of making this legally binding (if that's what you want to do). You can have them write a letter telling him what you want him to know.

But you are the one in charge now, not him and don't hesitate to seek help, from your family, work colleagues or Women's Aid if you feel something bad is happening.

joolsangel Wed 03-Apr-13 10:14:52

you can see from all the messages that you mustnt accept this from this man any longer. as someone once said to me 'no one can can control you. it is you allowing that person to control you. you have the strength to stop this control freak. you must open another bank account and make sure that you set it up that you dont get postal statements - only do internet banking and cover your internet history by taking the advice from one of the other messages already posted to you. your husband is a very weak man, although you probably dont realise. he does not treat his friends and colleagues in this way, because he wouldnt get away with it. use his weakness against him and use this weakness to give you strength to set up your finances. i would bank my own money, take full control, save enough money for a deposit and rent and find another place to live. if i had to, i would move out with the bare essentials when he was at work. you dont owe this man anything. keep an eye on these threads to give you the strength you need and every day take baby steps towards a happier future. imagine yourself in a year from now with a new life and keep watching for the light at the end of the tunnel - there is one. be strong. be positive and dont let him convince you that hes actually quite nice just because he can be sweet sometimes. best of luck.

ImverySad Wed 03-Apr-13 04:02:07

MaBumble , thank you so much...yes i am thinking of asking my colleague to answer my phone if he calls..but not sure if it works, but i will try..thank you for bringing that up.

I will be strong, for the sake of my grandparents back home, they are the only family i have left..i will do anything for them..

MaBumble Wed 03-Apr-13 03:50:25

Hi, de lurking as I didn't want you to think you are on your own.

You don't have to tell him anything, you owe him nothing. Get to a soliciter and get them to write to him if necessary. Ask if you can change your work number. Ask someone you trust at work to answer the phone next time he calls and say you don't work there anymore.

Stay strong. Don't let him stop you dancing. ((Hugs))

ImverySad Wed 03-Apr-13 03:35:50

Hi Everyone..
I hope you guys doing well..
Im sorry that I am here again seeking for your advise..and sorry that I didnt cathup with you for couple of weeks, as I was very busy..sorry guys.

Anyway, Its been a month now since i left my h..somebody said before that My h may contact me after i left him.. And guess what?..He called my office number last week, i didnt know it was him coz he use a differrent#. But because i knew that it could be him so i picked up the phone but i didnt say anything, i just listened and he did said 'hello' i instantly recognise it was him. and I hang up..

1 week later (monday) he called me again (I saw there was a miscall on my office phone) but this time he used home# so i know its him..

I am frightened right now, im scared,,even though (the first time i heard his voice on the phone), he sounded calm and sound like he realise he was wrong..

I definetely dun want to go back to him, i am happy now that i am alone, i dun worry about anything until he called me.

Guys..what should i do..?Please help me..

I dont want to live with him and get verbally abuse and control by him again..I realise that he doesnt really care about me, he is just saying he love me because he think he does but actually he is being possessive and controls everthing i do.sad

I was thinking, how do i tell him that i dont want to be with him anymore,,i dont want us to argue i just want to have a clean break with him. how do i do that, i know if i bring this up, he will shout and scream and can even get violent..

Im so scared..please can someboday hold my hand and hug me and tell me everything will be fine..

NotGoodNotBad Tue 19-Mar-13 19:54:31

All the best to you. smile

ImverySad Tue 19-Mar-13 08:46:35

Spiritedwolf, yes! I am dancing ive joined dance class with my friends.

Thank you for your time asking me...

ImverySad Tue 19-Mar-13 08:44:24

Hello..NotGoodNotBad, Thank you for its so nice of you..

I am doing fine, trying my best to move on, doing things to occupy myself. Been very busy at work.

BUT, strangely, I will admit that, sometimes i wonder what is my ex.h. thinking or doing right now that i am no longer with him.(Not that i want him to contact me) im just quiet anxious of how are things going with him, or could he be planning something that will scare me..? (I hope not)

But of course, i will not gonna let that thoughts ruin everything. I feel relief now and i can finally breath.., without being anxious and scared like i was when i was still with him)

I can talk to my friends and made new friends now, i can laugh without worrying. I can do my hobbies..

When i started going out with my colleagues and friends, i realised i've missed out a lot of things, and now im back being me and not trying so hard to be someonelse, i can be myself againsmile im grateful..

I just want you to know guys...all of you here..that i am very grateful for your time and advise.

Things work out for me because of your help..and this is something i can never forget.

Spiritedwolf Mon 18-Mar-13 22:47:18

I hope you're dancing smile

NotGoodNotBad Mon 18-Mar-13 13:20:19

How are you ImverySad?

NotGoodNotBad Mon 11-Mar-13 09:26:20

I'm sure your future will be happy. smile I think you just need a little time to find out who you are, and to learn to love yourself.

ImverySad Mon 11-Mar-13 06:44:52

Thank You BanjoPlayingTiger..,for your prayers..

Yes I can dance freely now (its my way of distressing and excersing) and watch the television without worrying if my h can see what im

I would say, though its a little lonely being alone, and miss him..(not that i want to go back with him), but I can laugh loud now feel so free and not afraid of anything now.

And eventhough i dont know whats gonna happend to me in future, but i will live my life day by day and try to enjoy life and enjoy my freedom which ive lost for so many years...

Thanks everyone...

BanjoPlayingTiger Sat 09-Mar-13 23:29:04

Hi imverysad

You are free to dance now. grin you can watch the Korean programmes! You don't have to be scared about being kicked. You are free!!

Much love to you. I am still praying for you often. xx

izzyizin Fri 08-Mar-13 05:46:21

YES IT IS!!! It truly is FOR REAL!!! You ARE free to be yourself and no longer have to live in fear of your h and the emotional, verbal, financial, and physical abuse he used to make you subservient to, and dependent, on him.

He will come begging, honey. Tears will run down his face as he pleads with you to please please please just give him another chance. He'll sob as he tells you he loves you so much and he's so very sorry for hurting you.

He'll say he doesn't understand how he could have treated you with such disdain and cruelty, and he'll give every impression of being truly grief-stricken as he says that the only reason he can think of is you mean so much to him, and he loves you so desperately with every fibre of his being, that he was scared another man would steal you away from him or that you'd leave him of your own accord.

He'll look you in the eye as he swears on his, your, his dps, and a motley assortment of other lives and swears by all of the gods that he's learned a bitter lesson and he'll never, never, hurt you again - may the great god strike him dead if he should ever raise a hand to you.

If you don't capitulate and pack your bags and immediately go home with him, he'll continue in the same vain on maybe another couple of occasions before reverting to type as his threatens you with every kind of dire consequence if you dare to think you can get away from him and do what you want.

Whether he's uttering pleas or threats, take NO notice of anything he says and continue to relish your newly recovered ability to live your life the way you ^you want it - and have a good one in which you make the most of every blessed day, honey.

ripsishere Fri 08-Mar-13 01:42:15

Well done Imso, great news.

AnnieLobeseder Fri 08-Mar-13 01:36:46

Ha ha ha ha ha! He chased you out of the house to hurt you and make you feel small, fully expecting that you would come crawling home begging him to let you in. But instead you have called his bluff, you have done what he "asked" and left, and you are so much happier and better off without him.

I'll bet he is very confused as to how his plan could have gone so wrong.

Ahhhhh, it serves him right!

Well done ImverySad!!!!

ImverySad Fri 08-Mar-13 01:32:12

thanks so much izzyizin, that was nice and heart warmingsmile

Yes, I am finally free, thanks to people here in mumsnet..they are really amazing, i mean all of you here, it has been a great help..and I still cant believe that I am already out..i mean is this for real?

I am really grateful to all of you here, for your time and energy reading my thread, giving me strength..thank you once again! for believing in me and for making me realise that the life i had was not good..God Bless you guys..

I am getting strong because of your support, i would say you all comforted me when i needed someone to listen and understand what i was going through.

Jux Thu 07-Mar-13 22:31:30

Would you promise yourself that, if he does get in touch, you will re-read this thread remembering how you were feeling when you wrote each post? And could you promise yourself that if you feel that you should or want to go back to him, that you will start another thread, or continue this one? (You don't need to answer, by the way.)

Just as a reality check.

izzyizin Thu 07-Mar-13 06:08:49

O honey, EMBRACE YOUR FREEDOM WITH ALL OF YOUR BEING as it is the most satisfying, rewarding and fulfilling state that you have been in for a long and lonely time.

Allow it to empower you and make you impervious to any demands your h and other abusive males may try to impose on you either now or in the future.

Light a candle or make whatever devotion you feel is appropriate to the goddess of mumsnet and of women everywhere and thank her for your liberation.

And let your courage and resolve to live your life on your terms be an inspiration to others. You truly deserve a florist shop's worth of thanks and I salute you wine

maras2 Thu 07-Mar-13 03:16:25

Sweetie,I'm so glad that you have left.I've had a very bad feeling that if you had stayed he might have killed you.God bless and look after you.Keep strong an never underestimate the power of Mumsnet. Mx.

ImverySad Thu 07-Mar-13 03:03:31

AgathaF, thanks for the reminder.. you can be sure that i will not get in touch with him... i need a break and im tired going through the same cicle over and over again.

ImverySad Thu 07-Mar-13 02:59:05

Katisha, (He might also suddenly start having "crises" that only you can fix, threaten suicide, or some other crisis)...

I doubt he will say this things to treaten me..but if does,,i am prepared to back to my homeland and live with my Parents then.

But I hope he will not do that kind of things just to get me to go back to him..

ImverySad Thu 07-Mar-13 02:56:28

Thanks Jux , i'll bear that in mind, Yes! i agree with you..I am the winner here and should be proud of myself that i had the courage to get out safely..

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