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My Husband is taking All my Salary and Only Gives me enough Allowance for Food!

(262 Posts)
ImverySad Thu 14-Feb-13 07:25:41

Hi Everyone,

Im just hoping if anyone could help me with a piece of advise.

I am married for 3 yrs plus now, and I've been working for nearly 1/2 year now, My husband is taking all my salary since then, and he only gives me little money for my food. He scolds me everytime I overspend a bit even for a food. And if I ask him to buy me something, sometimes he will buy but most of the time not, and he just tell me this is not good for me.etc..

In normal days when I buy food for the two of us, he will always ask me how much the food costs, and where is the change, and would ask me to calculate the spending and the money left, and I have to return the change to him.

Sometimes he treatens not to give me more money because i always overspend. I would cry feeling helpess and sad coz i feel that im losing my selfworth and confidence. he always tells me he loves me and how much i mean to him, but whenever he is angry, he will use all unneccessary words, such as,(you're bloody or f***G stubborn) and sometimes he would kick me.

I ask him why does he need to say hurtful words and kick me, he will say I deserve it for being stubborn and for not listening to him, and that I need to be discipline, I really dun understand as Im always obedient to him, i even stand up when he ask me to just for him to punish me by kicking me.

He is ok and romantic, sweet when he is not angry, but if he is angry, he always tell me there a limit to his patience, I feel so hurt, as i feel that he does not respect me. he controls evrything in the house. Sometimes Im thinking of leaving him, but i am sacred to do so. as all my salary goes to him. I do not have any savings.

I have my parents to look after too and want to help them by sending them some money, but most of the time I cannot help my parents as I dun have money, I have to ask my husbands permission first whether I can send some money to my parents, sometimes he will send money.

Is it right if my husbands continues to keep my salary? Is it a good Idea for me to move out frist and sort out my feelings? I love my husband and care a lot about him, but I feel that I cannot live with him anymore. I am very sad and confused for years now. I got no one to talk to as I do not have any family or relatives in this country except my husband.

Sometimes I prayed for myself to change and be patience towards him, but i am very tired and emotionally broken that I cant bring myself to talk to him.

What should I do...? what is the right thing for me to do without hurting anyone.?

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 15-Feb-13 07:44:26


Your last post was mainly about him. What about you, you are important!!.

You are not responsible for your H when all is said and done; you cannot help or save anyone who does not want to be rescued and or saved. Your mistake was thinking that you could love someone who is himself badly emotionally damaged better but you cannot and must never act as a rescuer and or saviour in a relationship. He would have been just as abusive regardless of whom he married.

You also sound codependent which is itself emotionally unhealthy a state and sets you up for even more abuse. Would suggest you read "Codependent No More" written by Melodie Beattie.

Is your salary still being paid into his account?. Where has all the money gone?.

Your own dysfunctional childhood gave you a very skewed view of relationships; this is not how a normal healthy marriage works at all.
Abusers can be sometimes nice but its a continuous cycle; if they were awful all the time no-one would want to be with them but you are probably finding now that him being "nice" now is happening less frequently.

Re his MIL you cannot stay with this man because she's nice to you. She does not have to live with her son day to day does she?. You do and you get the full fury of his abusive treatment as a result.

He will destroy you completely in the end if you were to stay with him and I do not wish to frighten you any more than you already are but you could end up being killed by him. You cannot help him and more to the point he does not want your help. He sees you as only his emotional punchbag. You may love him but he certainly does not love you at all; he is blaming you for all his problems now but it is not your fault he is this way.

I would daresay too that if you were to leave this abusive man your problems with anxiety would quickly lessen.

ImverySad Fri 15-Feb-13 07:49:52

I am originally from PH, and now live in SG.

ImverySad Fri 15-Feb-13 07:55:48

Thanks AttilaMeerkat,

Actually the money goes into my own account, but my H took the ATM card and knows the password,eversince I started work. he withdraws the salary every month to pay for our bills and expenses.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 15-Feb-13 08:02:15

Apart from being physically abused by him he is stealing your salary to boot.

These are all not the actions of a loving person.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

You need to talk to your bank urgently because he is stealing from them as well as you. The bankcard remains their property.

Your H is a dangerous man.

Which country or continent if you want to be less specific were you born in and are you in the UK now?.

ImverySad Fri 15-Feb-13 08:07:49

Nope Im not born in the UK and nitheir live there, i just happend to find this website when i was searching for an answer and advise of my situation.
How I wish I live there where people are so great.

LIZS Fri 15-Feb-13 08:11:49

He has so conditioned you into feeling it must be your fault and he is the victim. Your anxiety is clouding your judgement . there are ways out of this but you need to be brave and take control. Can you get the pin changed on your account for starters? Did he coerce you into giving him your pin ? He is effectively robbing you by access your account and most banks would take a very dim view of this.

SPBInDisguise Fri 15-Feb-13 08:24:06

Ah. If you're not in the UK I don't know that any of the advice that's been given (women's aid etc) is relevant.
OP why is it up to you to look after your DH when he feels down? Does he do this for you? because it sounds as though he is the reason you feel so down, and then when you are, he literally kicks you.

SPBInDisguise Fri 15-Feb-13 08:25:08

What I suppose I'm saying is you care and are worried about him but he does not feel the same about you. From his actions I guess he feels he possesses you and also feels a fair amount of contempt towards you.

ImverySad Fri 15-Feb-13 08:31:23

Initially, the very first month of my salary, i was still holding my ATM card, but my H said that ;(I think I better withdraw it and put it in my account first because you do not know how to budget and sure u will anyhow spend your money, i will give it you when you are ready') this is what he told me that time, but until now, he does not return me my card.

For me money is not the issue, if he does not verbally abuse me or kick me when he is angry, or tells me what to do, maybe I can still take it and live with him even though he controls my money. but now i feel that he does not respect me at all, all my effort on taking care of him and enduring all the things he has done has been wasted.

SPBInDisguise Fri 15-Feb-13 08:35:02

Yes, you take care of him. He doesn't care about you.

ImverySad Fri 15-Feb-13 08:38:03

All my love for him, being patience with him, doing all means to understand and support him, give all my energy to be with him, i do not know how much tears ive lost crying because of him.

NotGoodNotBad Fri 15-Feb-13 08:40:03

"i also believe that couples should not separate for better and for worst. "

This is dangerous thinking. I might agree couples should stick together "for better and worse" when it means ill health, or financial troubles. I certainly don't agree couples should stick together when one is kicking the other, calling her stupid/idiot, taking all financial control.

You say he is a nice man. Really? Doesn't sound like it. Surely there are some things that are deal breakers, however "nice" he is the rest of the time. For most women, kicking would be one of them. Why do you trivialise this?

ImverySad Fri 15-Feb-13 08:44:02

when he is not angry or tired, he would sit down and talk to me and tells me evrything will be fine, and he will tell me that he is always there for me, he would calm me down when im stressed from work(partly stressed because of him but he thinks that its because of my work that i am stressed, but i am afraid and do not know how to tell him that im stressed because of him)

Like I said, he is very supportive and caring when he is not angry of somthing.
We could be a perfect couple if he does not do all the things that Ive mentione in my previous comment.

SPBInDisguise Fri 15-Feb-13 08:47:30

But he doesn't. Actions speak louder the words. Presumably he knows kicking you isn't ideal but he chooses to do it anyway. Or he really can't help it. Either way, not a man to be near.
Why do you think non-angry him is the real him? And angry him is somehow not the real him and can be got rid of?

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 15-Feb-13 08:49:13

"All my love for him, being patience with him, doing all means to understand and support him, give all my energy to be with him, i do not know how much tears ive lost crying because of him"

And there's your codependent side speaking again.

And its all come to nothing precisely because he is abusive. You cannot help such an abusive man by loving them better because that simply sets you up to be further abused. This is exactly what has happened here to you.

I fear for your long term safety if you were to stay with him; he could well end up killing you.

NotGoodNotBad Fri 15-Feb-13 08:49:33

But he does do all these things, doesn't he?

How well did you know him before you married? Did he get angry then? And when he is angry, why should he take it out on you?

"We could be a perfect couple"

Good men don't kick their wives. Ever.

Iggly Fri 15-Feb-13 08:54:04

If you have children and he kicks them, what would you think? That he's a good father but if only they didn't make him angry?

You have a job so if you moved in with your parents, could you support them?

ImverySad Fri 15-Feb-13 08:58:20

I know guys, if im confused now, i was 2 times confused before ive posted my comment here and start reading your advise, now its clearer.

Thank you so much.. and pls pardon me, if i sound like all over the place, im sorry, im just really afraid right now, and emotionally not stable.

Till next time guys, i may not be able to comment here until im back to work.

Thanks Again for your time and effort writing

SPBInDisguise Fri 15-Feb-13 09:00:11

good luck

StitchAteMySleep Fri 15-Feb-13 09:00:44

I'mverysad you say you would be worried about him if you left him. He does not worry about you when he kicks you or takes your wages, he does not deserve your worry. You deserve better.

You are not in debt, your husband manages all the finances, he took the loans, they are not your problem.

You are still working and could continue to work and could get another working visa. Your working visa would not end if you left him.

How much of your anxiety is coming from your worry that if you say or do the wrong thing he will physically abuse you again?

If you tell the bank your card was stolen they can issue a knew card and pin at your request.

Please contact Aware a SG based organisation for support. There are laws to protect you in SG too.

You are only young, you could have a whole happy life free from physical abuse if you choose. He does not deserve a lovely wife like you.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Fri 15-Feb-13 09:06:40

All I want is for him to stop

That's not in your control: nothing you can say or do can make him abuse you, or make him stop abusing you. They are his actions. Under his control only.
He will only stop if he wants to stop.
And he doesn't want to, does he?

All that you can do is: accept his behaviour, or walk away.
What you cannot do is change another person's behaviour. Only your own.

1. I feel extremely sad and worried, for my partner if i leave him, (who is going to look after him and comfort him when he is not feeling well, or if he is feeling down? not just him but I worried about my mother inlaw would not be able to take it as well. (she is kind to me, i do not want to hurt her at any cost.)

They are adults and can take care of themselves.
Neither of them are your responsibilit.
Only you are your responsibility.
You matter, OP. Please take care of yourself.

2. We are in debt right now, as the prevoius years non of us were working, that lead us to borrow money for survival. (Im worried for him emotionally, financially and physically) These are just one of the things im worried.

That's not a good enough reason to stay in an abusive marriage. There are lawyers and notaries and banks to deal with such practicalities.

3. Even though I am working, but it is not stable, and I am under working visa. if my visa is cancelled,i'll be send back to my hometown, and when that happens, who's gonna help my old and poor parent who is depending on me..? I mean never mind about me,(As Ive gone through the worst in my life when growing up) its my family and love ones that I am worried about.

Your separation will not automatically affect your visa, will it?
And even if it does: once again, that is not a good enough reason to stay in an abusive marriage. There are bureaucrats and lawyers to deal with such practicalities.

Your parents are also adults who are NOT your responsibility. Worry about yourself first. And if you really want to remain responsible for them, there are ways to arrange for care, money transfers,...

But really: how many people are sucking you dry of energy, love and cash, OP? How many other people are you carrying, while forgetting to care about yourself?

4. I am not stable emotionally, as I have anxiety problems.

I think you will find that these will lessen and disappear once you are no longer in an abusive relationship. Being with this man makes you anxious and depressed (which, in turn, keeps you with him, as he makes you believe he is your only support through this anxiety and depression. It's a tried and tested formula for manipulation).

Women who leave abusive relationships find their anxiety and depression lifts, along with their freedom.

Standing on your own two feet emotionally and financially will also do great things to boost your self-esteem, as you prove to yourself that you can cope without the parasites in your life.

SPBInDisguise Fri 15-Feb-13 09:09:34

Very good points hotdamn. Op you are sacrificing your own happiness and health and wellbeing for others. When do your needs become important? When you have grown up children to look after you? Because I don't think you'll make it that long if things carry on as they are.

NorthernLurker Fri 15-Feb-13 09:09:40

If you've been able to get a work visa where you are now I'm sure you could get one somewhere else. In any case you aren't helping your parents by beng financially and physically abused.

garlicbreeze Fri 15-Feb-13 09:26:05

I know it's horrible to think you've been giving all your love and patience to a bad person, Imvery, and to realise they never will be the 'good' you believe you see in them. It's very hard and I hope you can find enough spirit to see the truth.

I'm sure he's lovely sometimes. Of course, you wouldn't have married him if he wasn't nice to you! In the early days, it's easy to excuse the anger - you think maybe he needs understanding - and it's only later on that the 'anger' becomes the usual. It's not about passing fits of temper, sadly, this is who and what they are. I've fallen for it in the past, too sad

You know how some people treat their dog quite badly, even though they say they love it? They pet and play with the dog when they feel like it. Other times, they yell at the dog and kick it. Dogs keep hoping for the nice treatment, so they come back even when they have been hurt. It's very sad to see.

Some people, I'm sorry to say, like to "train" people the same way. It makes them feel powerful when they've got somebody coming back for more punishment. You're not a pet, though, you have the intellect to use your freedom of choice. Would your employer sponsor you on a working visa? Can you find out?

garlicbreeze Fri 15-Feb-13 09:28:16

Very good post from HotDamn!

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