Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
My Husband is taking All my Salary and Only Gives me enough Allowance for Food!(262 Posts)
Im just hoping if anyone could help me with a piece of advise.
I am married for 3 yrs plus now, and I've been working for nearly 1/2 year now, My husband is taking all my salary since then, and he only gives me little money for my food. He scolds me everytime I overspend a bit even for a food. And if I ask him to buy me something, sometimes he will buy but most of the time not, and he just tell me this is not good for me.etc..
In normal days when I buy food for the two of us, he will always ask me how much the food costs, and where is the change, and would ask me to calculate the spending and the money left, and I have to return the change to him.
Sometimes he treatens not to give me more money because i always overspend. I would cry feeling helpess and sad coz i feel that im losing my selfworth and confidence. he always tells me he loves me and how much i mean to him, but whenever he is angry, he will use all unneccessary words, such as,(you're bloody or f***G stubborn) and sometimes he would kick me.
I ask him why does he need to say hurtful words and kick me, he will say I deserve it for being stubborn and for not listening to him, and that I need to be discipline, I really dun understand as Im always obedient to him, i even stand up when he ask me to just for him to punish me by kicking me.
He is ok and romantic, sweet when he is not angry, but if he is angry, he always tell me there a limit to his patience, I feel so hurt, as i feel that he does not respect me. he controls evrything in the house. Sometimes Im thinking of leaving him, but i am sacred to do so. as all my salary goes to him. I do not have any savings.
I have my parents to look after too and want to help them by sending them some money, but most of the time I cannot help my parents as I dun have money, I have to ask my husbands permission first whether I can send some money to my parents, sometimes he will send money.
Is it right if my husbands continues to keep my salary? Is it a good Idea for me to move out frist and sort out my feelings? I love my husband and care a lot about him, but I feel that I cannot live with him anymore. I am very sad and confused for years now. I got no one to talk to as I do not have any family or relatives in this country except my husband.
Sometimes I prayed for myself to change and be patience towards him, but i am very tired and emotionally broken that I cant bring myself to talk to him.
What should I do...? what is the right thing for me to do without hurting anyone.?
Thanks againd guys.. Another problem is, I do not have any relatives or very close friend in this country, as I just move here 3 years ago after i got married, all my close friends are far away, they are in my hometown in another country.
But rest assured that all your advises will not go waste, as I would seriously think about what to do next.
[Message has been edited by MNHQ to protect the OP's anonymity]
Sorry he sounds very controlling and will not change . Hope you can find a way forward. Do you have children or just your parents to support ? IF WA not possible there may be a cultural women's group locally who could offer support.
Do you have children OP?
What is your relationship like with your line manager?
"Is it right if my husbands continues to keep my salary? Is it a good Idea for me to move out frist and sort out my feelings?"
'No', it's not right and 'yes' it would be an excellent idea to get yourself out of this horribly abusive relationship as soon as you can pack a bag. If he has been kicking you and you feel frightened of him you'd also be entitled to call the police and report him for assault. Get him removed from your home. You might want to talk to Womens Aid about practical help in escaping an abusive relationship, temporary accommodation and so forth.
Please get yourself to a place of safety as soon as possible.
He makes you stand up so that he can aim better to kick you!???
Please take action now. There are people and organisations who will help you.
(Pls pardon me for my bad english, not my first language)
Thanks for taking the time reading my comments...
I came from a poor family,(a complicated family, the family who raised me painstakingly are not my biological parents, as my real parents run aways 26 years ago, no news from them until now)
The family who raised me since young are too old to help out, I do not want them to worry about me, furthermore they are too far away from me. and they are depending on me financially.
I have no relatives or even close friends in this country as I just moved here nearly 4 years ago when i got married to my husband.
Most of the time, when im upset i will just remind myself that life is beautiful, full of hope...so when my husband and i fight, sometimes i will just listen to his nagging and verbal abuse as i do not want further conlicts between us.
I really hope I can gather all my courage to do something now, I am not as brave as other people.
Somtimes, I think that it is normal for a couple to fight, but for my case we fight about anything and everthing.
this may sound exagerate, but I am not allowed to watch korean drama as my husband does not like it, i dont know why. dancing is my hobby, and i have to stop that because my husband does not like it, even i only dance in our own house for fun, he will get angry and will kick my ass for that.
If he said somthing and I dont hear it, he will say somthing wrong with my ear, he calls me an Idiot sometimes, call me stupid, and even call me names like 'you're a monkey' to him its just a joke, and i would just laugh along with him to make him happy and to avoid any arguments, while my heart is bleeding..thinking of when is this gonna end.
Anyways, sorry guys for having your reading all this problems.
And Thank you so much guys, I feel slightly better after reading each of your comments and advise...they are useful and im really graful for that. Bless you all.
Thank You very much
Yes he will ask me to stand up for him to kick me, if he as angry at me of somthing.
Please call the police. He is a sadist and is abusing you.
do you have children?
Please, please leave this man. You owe it to yourself and to the lovely couple who raised you.
SPB asked what your relationship with your Line Manager at work is like, and I would agree that this could be an excellent place to start.
0808 2000 247 - this is the Womens Aid number and I think you need to talk to them and get some advice.
It is not normal or acceptable to be physically, verbally and financially abused. It is a criminal offence.
OP you do not deserve to be treated this way by this vile man.
Please get in touch with Womens Aid, they can give you as much or as little support as you need, from practical advice to helping you find a new home.
You say you have no friends - could you approach your boss? What about a sympathetic colleague? Does your work have an HR department? They may be able to provide you with support and guidance.
Once you have left your husband, you will be able to control your own finances, including provision for the lovely couple who brought you up.
[Message has been edited by MNHQ to protect the OP's anonymity]
This man is being very cruel. It is not normal for a man to act in this way. Please ring the Womens Aid number that has been posted, they can give you advice on how to get away.
You are being physically, emotionally and financially abused. You do not deserve it no matter what he says. He has no right to take your money. He has no right to kick you. He has no right to treat you so badly.
The way he behaves is not how people should behave and any decent man would not act in this way.
Oh my love. Of course he doesn't want you to dance or watch Korean shows: he wants to hurt you, and so is denying you anything that gives you joy.
He is a weak and pathetic man who needs to hurt you in order to feel powerful and superior. In short, he is a bully and a coward.
You deserve so, so much better in life than this.
You didn't deserve to be abandoned by your birth parents: it's nothing to do with you, they had their own issues. You were always a lovable person. You also shouldn't have to feel indebted to your guardians and pay for them: they are grown-ups, and they can and should take care of their own selves. And you absolutely do not deserved to be kicked and controlled and insulted and have your money stolen by your husband.
You deserve to dance. Please call Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247, tell them you are living with a violent man, and ask for a place in a refuge.
I don't know where you are from originally but www.Ashiana.org.uk are set up to help south Asian, Turkish and Iranian women who are in relationships like yours. It might be worth contacting them for a chat.
Please don't feel alone, there are people who can help you if you want them to.
Please do call Womens Aid on 0808 200 247 as they can and will help you here. The other respondents have stated correctly that you are being abused within this marriage. This is no marriage; he has you in a cage of his own paranoid making.
Abusers do nice/nasty very well but its a continuous cycle of abuse.
You are not alone; you have written on here and by doing that you have taken the first baby step to leaving this abusive marriage.
I wish you every courage and strength and would second the counsel to seek help from your employers. You do not have to live like this.
Please leave him, OP. Arrange to have your salary moved to your own bank account, and start looking for your own place to live. If you think he might be violent towards you when he finds out, then as others have suggested, call Women's Aid and move into a refuge while you find your own flat.
He sounds absolutely awful. Leave as soon as you can. Just hold an image of yourself in your head of you dancing freely in your own house/flat, with a big smile on your face, no-one to answer to, no reason to be scared - just freedom to be you. Keep that image when you think it's too hard to leave and realise that it will absolutely be worth it.
I have nothing to add to the excellent advice that you have already had here. I would urge you to follow it, you have the law of this country on your side.
I will be reporting your post and another posters where you/they use your name as given the situation the less identifiable you are here the better. Please also delete your Internet history too to protect yourself.
How are your parents financially dependant on you if you are allowed no money other than for food?
Where does that money come from to give to parents?
Imverysad - I am so sorry that you are going through this. I hope you are finding support and strength from the posts here, to feel less alone and more able to take action and look after yourself.
Take the advice here and prepare to leave this abusive man. I am concerned that he will react badly to any sign that you are going to leave so please be careful and get advice from Womensaid or Ashiana to make sure you leave safely and have somewhere to go.
It will be hard but you will get support on here and somewhere to safely express your feelings. x
OP - I have reported your post of 8.28 and a further post by someone else as they both refer to your real name - if your husband does find these posts, its probably better that your name isn't confirmed!
OP please check your inbox. I've PM's you.
Your husband is an utter abusive twat who who thinks he owns you like a possession. Everything that belongs to him belongs to him but what belongs to you belongs to him as well!
You have had fanastic advice from the amazing women on here and I hope you follow this advice to freedom. Can you imagine one day having a pay check that belongs to just you to do as you want. To be in a position to help your lovely parents as you wish and to enjoy the fruits of your hard earned cash. I am sure you are dreamimg about this day but only you can make it hapen by leaving this man.
Another word for what is happening to you right now is slavery.You are being enslaved by this man in 2013! This is not acceptable at so many levels. I doubt from what you are saying that this man helps with any housework
not that this matters very much in this situation but I think he is one of those old fashioned mem who believe housework to be womens' work.
And please do use protection. You don't want this man's offspring as you would be tied to this twunt through this.
Do be careful as he won't be too pleased to know that
the cash cow you want to leave and he is a very controlling man and most women become extremely vulnerable when they are trying/wanting to leave.
I wish you all the best
I don't have any advice for you but I just wanted to say, you don't deserve to be treated like this. You have done NOTHING to deserve this; you are worth more than this. You deserve to have a happy and fulfilled life away from this nasty bully.
Please contact Women's Aid.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.