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My Husband is taking All my Salary and Only Gives me enough Allowance for Food!

(262 Posts)
ImverySad Thu 14-Feb-13 07:25:41

Hi Everyone,

Im just hoping if anyone could help me with a piece of advise.

I am married for 3 yrs plus now, and I've been working for nearly 1/2 year now, My husband is taking all my salary since then, and he only gives me little money for my food. He scolds me everytime I overspend a bit even for a food. And if I ask him to buy me something, sometimes he will buy but most of the time not, and he just tell me this is not good for me.etc..

In normal days when I buy food for the two of us, he will always ask me how much the food costs, and where is the change, and would ask me to calculate the spending and the money left, and I have to return the change to him.

Sometimes he treatens not to give me more money because i always overspend. I would cry feeling helpess and sad coz i feel that im losing my selfworth and confidence. he always tells me he loves me and how much i mean to him, but whenever he is angry, he will use all unneccessary words, such as,(you're bloody or f***G stubborn) and sometimes he would kick me.

I ask him why does he need to say hurtful words and kick me, he will say I deserve it for being stubborn and for not listening to him, and that I need to be discipline, I really dun understand as Im always obedient to him, i even stand up when he ask me to just for him to punish me by kicking me.

He is ok and romantic, sweet when he is not angry, but if he is angry, he always tell me there a limit to his patience, I feel so hurt, as i feel that he does not respect me. he controls evrything in the house. Sometimes Im thinking of leaving him, but i am sacred to do so. as all my salary goes to him. I do not have any savings.

I have my parents to look after too and want to help them by sending them some money, but most of the time I cannot help my parents as I dun have money, I have to ask my husbands permission first whether I can send some money to my parents, sometimes he will send money.

Is it right if my husbands continues to keep my salary? Is it a good Idea for me to move out frist and sort out my feelings? I love my husband and care a lot about him, but I feel that I cannot live with him anymore. I am very sad and confused for years now. I got no one to talk to as I do not have any family or relatives in this country except my husband.

Sometimes I prayed for myself to change and be patience towards him, but i am very tired and emotionally broken that I cant bring myself to talk to him.

What should I do...? what is the right thing for me to do without hurting anyone.?

NotGoodNotBad Mon 18-Mar-13 13:20:19

How are you ImverySad?

Spiritedwolf Mon 18-Mar-13 22:47:18

I hope you're dancing smile

ImverySad Tue 19-Mar-13 08:44:24

Hello..NotGoodNotBad, Thank you for its so nice of you..

I am doing fine, trying my best to move on, doing things to occupy myself. Been very busy at work.

BUT, strangely, I will admit that, sometimes i wonder what is my ex.h. thinking or doing right now that i am no longer with him.(Not that i want him to contact me) im just quiet anxious of how are things going with him, or could he be planning something that will scare me..? (I hope not)

But of course, i will not gonna let that thoughts ruin everything. I feel relief now and i can finally breath.., without being anxious and scared like i was when i was still with him)

I can talk to my friends and made new friends now, i can laugh without worrying. I can do my hobbies..

When i started going out with my colleagues and friends, i realised i've missed out a lot of things, and now im back being me and not trying so hard to be someonelse, i can be myself againsmile im grateful..

I just want you to know guys...all of you here..that i am very grateful for your time and advise.

Things work out for me because of your help..and this is something i can never forget.

ImverySad Tue 19-Mar-13 08:46:35

Spiritedwolf, yes! I am dancing ive joined dance class with my friends.

Thank you for your time asking me...

NotGoodNotBad Tue 19-Mar-13 19:54:31

All the best to you. smile

ImverySad Wed 03-Apr-13 03:35:50

Hi Everyone..
I hope you guys doing well..
Im sorry that I am here again seeking for your advise..and sorry that I didnt cathup with you for couple of weeks, as I was very busy..sorry guys.

Anyway, Its been a month now since i left my h..somebody said before that My h may contact me after i left him.. And guess what?..He called my office number last week, i didnt know it was him coz he use a differrent#. But because i knew that it could be him so i picked up the phone but i didnt say anything, i just listened and he did said 'hello' i instantly recognise it was him. and I hang up..

1 week later (monday) he called me again (I saw there was a miscall on my office phone) but this time he used home# so i know its him..

I am frightened right now, im scared,,even though (the first time i heard his voice on the phone), he sounded calm and sound like he realise he was wrong..

I definetely dun want to go back to him, i am happy now that i am alone, i dun worry about anything until he called me.

Guys..what should i do..?Please help me..

I dont want to live with him and get verbally abuse and control by him again..I realise that he doesnt really care about me, he is just saying he love me because he think he does but actually he is being possessive and controls everthing i do.sad

I was thinking, how do i tell him that i dont want to be with him anymore,,i dont want us to argue i just want to have a clean break with him. how do i do that, i know if i bring this up, he will shout and scream and can even get violent..

Im so scared..please can someboday hold my hand and hug me and tell me everything will be fine..

MaBumble Wed 03-Apr-13 03:50:25

Hi, de lurking as I didn't want you to think you are on your own.

You don't have to tell him anything, you owe him nothing. Get to a soliciter and get them to write to him if necessary. Ask if you can change your work number. Ask someone you trust at work to answer the phone next time he calls and say you don't work there anymore.

Stay strong. Don't let him stop you dancing. ((Hugs))

ImverySad Wed 03-Apr-13 04:02:07

MaBumble , thank you so much...yes i am thinking of asking my colleague to answer my phone if he calls..but not sure if it works, but i will try..thank you for bringing that up.

I will be strong, for the sake of my grandparents back home, they are the only family i have left..i will do anything for them..

joolsangel Wed 03-Apr-13 10:14:52

you can see from all the messages that you mustnt accept this from this man any longer. as someone once said to me 'no one can can control you. it is you allowing that person to control you. you have the strength to stop this control freak. you must open another bank account and make sure that you set it up that you dont get postal statements - only do internet banking and cover your internet history by taking the advice from one of the other messages already posted to you. your husband is a very weak man, although you probably dont realise. he does not treat his friends and colleagues in this way, because he wouldnt get away with it. use his weakness against him and use this weakness to give you strength to set up your finances. i would bank my own money, take full control, save enough money for a deposit and rent and find another place to live. if i had to, i would move out with the bare essentials when he was at work. you dont owe this man anything. keep an eye on these threads to give you the strength you need and every day take baby steps towards a happier future. imagine yourself in a year from now with a new life and keep watching for the light at the end of the tunnel - there is one. be strong. be positive and dont let him convince you that hes actually quite nice just because he can be sweet sometimes. best of luck.

Mumsyblouse Wed 03-Apr-13 18:04:47

I just want to encourage you to stay strong. You are absolutely right, this man will not change at all, and him saying he loves you or will change is just to lure you back. Luckily for you you have realised you don't have to be kicked, called names and have all your money taken away by this man, he probably is upset now because he doesn't have anyone to take out his frustrations on and control to make him feel better.

You are free and need to stay free, to look after your family and yourself. Do you have access to your own salary now? You can go to a solicitor for a free half an hour to get some advice on what to do next in terms of making this legally binding (if that's what you want to do). You can have them write a letter telling him what you want him to know.

But you are the one in charge now, not him and don't hesitate to seek help, from your family, work colleagues or Women's Aid if you feel something bad is happening.

HappySunflower Sun 14-Apr-13 21:10:01

Hello Imverysad-I was thinking about you today.
How are you?

Jux Mon 15-Apr-13 09:22:03

Hello, my dear.

You don't owe him an explanation. He knows perfectly well why you left, but he may pretend that he doesn't in order to see you again and to then make you feel guilty, he will promise you anything you want in order to get you back under his control.

Or he will pretend that he can't bear to be without you, make all the promises, and pretend that he's changed to get you back under his control.

DO NOT MEET HIM. DO NOT TALK TO HIM. Hang up if he phones as you already have done.

Have you seen a solicitor? Get the ball rolling towards divorce.

Whatever else you do, don't believe a word he says.

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