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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Relationships

to wonder if this has affected relationships?

50 replies

porridgewithalmondmilk · 13/02/2013 18:12

Sorry if it's a silly thread. I nearly posted on the thread about the boyfriend who wants to retire at 55, but I'm mid/early thirties and I have never been in a relationship

I now wonder if I DID meet a man if the Mumsnet-equivalent would all be shouting "run!"

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BookWormery · 13/02/2013 18:14

I don't get it...

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SomethingOnce · 13/02/2013 18:15

Eh?

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BambieO · 13/02/2013 18:15

I am lost porridge and I haven't even tackled the wine yet! could you elaborate a bit further for my slow to keep up self?

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bigbuttons · 13/02/2013 18:15

what on earth are you talking about?

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BambieO · 13/02/2013 18:15

Oh glad it's not just me!

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Dinosaurhunter · 13/02/2013 18:16

I'm confused!

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Dannilion · 13/02/2013 18:16

Never? Not even for a couple of days?

Yeah sorry. If my best friend said she'd met a man in his mid thirties who had literally NEVER been in any kind of relationship, I'd certainly raise an eyebrow.

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waltermittymissus · 13/02/2013 18:17

Huh?!

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havingamadmoment · 13/02/2013 18:17

you have never been in a relationship and wonder if this will put men off in the future?

no i dont think so!

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havingamadmoment · 13/02/2013 18:18

I take it you mean long term not nothing btw.

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Tee2072 · 13/02/2013 18:18

What?

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SomethingOnce · 13/02/2013 18:19

Oh, I see.

What do you mean when you say relationship? No dalliances of any kind, or no year-long efforts?

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porridgewithalmondmilk · 13/02/2013 18:19

Sorry, I didn't think it was confusing - it made sense in my head! I'll try again

I am mid thirties, I have never had a relationshp or boyfriend. I was reading another thread tonight where lots of people were warning the OP to be cautious as the man in question had never been in a long term relationship and I wondered if it was a bit of a vicious circle situation for me, that my lack of experience was off-putting and that in turn meant I didn't have a relationship ... Hope that makes a bit more sense, sorry!

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porridgewithalmondmilk · 13/02/2013 18:21

Something, no never

I know it's a bit weird, it has just been circumstances mainly to be honest.

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madonnawhore · 13/02/2013 18:21

Ah right, got you.

Why do you think you've never had a relationship? Do you even want one?

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SomethingOnce · 13/02/2013 18:22

I would probably tend not to rock up on a first date and announce that info, but then again, who does bring along a dating CV?

Don't worry about it - get dating

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waltermittymissus · 13/02/2013 18:22

Ah I see

I wouldn't have thought it was that much of a red flag tbh.

Have you never had a boyfriend? Is there any particular reason or has it just not happened?

People would be cautious of a commitment phobe I would say. But you know yourself. Are you a commitment phobe?!

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ClippedPhoenix · 13/02/2013 18:24

Mid 30's an never having a boyfriend isn't the norm, to me anyway.

I'd want to know why, the same as I'd want to know why where a man was concerned.

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porridgewithalmondmilk · 13/02/2013 18:25

No, never walter

It just hasn't happened, I don't think I'm a commitment phobe but nor am I very popular with the opposite sex unfortunately! I've had one date, he asked about past relationships and I had to confess!

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waltermittymissus · 13/02/2013 18:26

And how did he take it?!

Do you have casual er liaisons? :)

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SomethingOnce · 13/02/2013 18:28

Sorry, I posted before seeing your reply. I wasn't being flippant.

I do think though that the only way is to crack on. It might mean you have to 'learn' more in a shorter space of time than somebody who has been dating since they were 15, but equally, people in that position may have had many experiences which have left them disappointed and jaded. At least you've a clean slate in that regard, and have other experiences from adult life that will help with interpersonal stuff.

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SomethingOnce · 13/02/2013 18:30

Bloody hell, maybe times have changed but it was a date not an interview, so I think it was a bit odd/rude of him to ask, tbh.

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Narked · 13/02/2013 18:34

On the other thread, the man in question had been in a relationship with the OP for two years, had previously been in a 6/7 year relationship with someone, was 40 years old and was still 'not ready' to live with her and had never lived with a partner.

I can see that someone who's never had a relationship might raise eyebrows - it's not the experience of most people - but to me it wouldn't be on the same level as someone who had had many relationships, including long term ones, but was still not ready to move in with someone at 40.

Not having had any relationships might make me think the person had self confidence issues.

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porridgewithalmondmilk · 13/02/2013 18:35

He sort of pulled a face walter! No casual liasons either, I am really very boring.

Something, don't worry, I didn't think you were being flippant at all. It IS quite embarrassing - the problem is, I do have reasons which sound a bit like excuses but I was bullied at school and it was always the boys giving me a hard time for some reason, never the girls (always had friends, still do have plenty of friends. It's just relationships where I'm a bit pathetic!) Then, my mum died when I was seventeen and I took on a 'mum' role to my autistic sibling after our dad left. I became a bit depressed after that I think when I was at university and I also put on quite a bit of weight which hugely affected my confidence. I lost weight after leaving university but I was working two jobs for a few years and just didn't have TIME! I don't think I had any confidence or liked myelf particularly until I was about 27/28. At that age, I found when I did meet a nice man, he was already taken!

Have tried t'Internet but not got anywhere ... It's pretty strange, I don't know why as I know it's worked for a lot of people but I just get no interest, or a get a message from somebody in Edinburgh or something which is sweet but I would like to think one of my six million or so neighbours would like to know me!

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waltermittymissus · 13/02/2013 18:41

Your life sounds like a movie plot Porridge!

What will happen now is: the man of your dreams will stumble into your life and sweep you off your feet!

In all seriousness though, I'm sorry for the tough times you've had but there's no need for it to stand in your way anymore. You seem very self-confident now and a well rounded person.

There's nothing to say it should affect a relationship. You've got good reason!

Internet Dating can be a minefield! There's an ongoing dating thread on here, maybe check that out if you decide to enter the fray again!

Do your friends know anyone they could set you up with? Even group dinners/parties that you can get to know people at?