I stopped fancying him but I loved him. Was I right to break up with him?

[Foxy12345]

A year and a half ago I broke up with a guy I was going out with for 6 years. We were the absolute best of friends. We met when I was 22 and he was 24, and broke up when I was 28 and he was 30.We had spent nearly every weekend together over a long distance relationship for 4 years and shared friends and were basically part of each others families. When we were apart we would speak every day on the phone. We moved in together finally and at first it was great as I'd waited for it so long. Then after a while the focus of the weekends was no longer about us being together, it was seeing friends, or doing things separately, but occasionally we would just go to the pub together. I absolutely loved this guy and was convinced we would spend our lives together but my belief in it started to break down as we argued more over little things. We were so comfortable with each other that we knew if the other person was angry and I think we would try to wind each other up a bit rather than calm each other down.

I realised I was jealous of my single friend who I would go out with on nights out, and I would flirt with men and not tell them I had a boyfriend. Our relationship was becoming less loving towards each other and often I would tell him I couldnt be bothered to have sex and it started to become weird like we were different people in and out of the bedroom. I didnt want to make an effort with him for some reason and it felt like a real effort.

He has always liked to drink but he started drinking more and more and often we would go out and rather than come to bed he would drink all night on the sofa and I would find him in the morning and sometimes I'd go and check to make sure he was still breathing. I think in some ways I might have driven him to it because I was not that receptive in bed to him. I feel that our relationship really deteriorated in that we were not acting like adults that loved each other.

I broke up with him because I kissed another man when I was drunk out with my single friend. I hadnt wanted to but he'd been really persistent and I suddenly really desired him, it was such a shock as I hadnt felt like that for ages, I felt like a different person, really alive. Nothing obviously happened with that guy but I couldnt live with the betrayal and I felt that I wanted to feel really desired by someone again.

Breaking up was devastating. I thought I had coped with it really well because I was up for going out dating immediately, I felt I had waited for ages to meet new men. I was also really scared of being single and alone after all that time being dependent on someone else emotionally. But I didnt expect to go into a new relationship as quickly as I did - I had a few snogs and one night stands and then I met someone that I really liked. He wis older (10 years older), sensible, hardly drinks and we have an incredible sexual chemistry. He is a bit of a bachelor with a string of ex girlfriends and never lived with a woman before, but he is very attentive and caring and wants to spend time with me - just us on our own. We have been going out for 1.5 years now. It has been fairly casual, just seeing each other at the weekends (usually sat-sun) and once in the week. I have been seeing a lot more of my own friends than i did before and I built up some stronger relationships and feel more independent.

However it hasnt been easy. I have missed my ex so much. I have felt that I was right to break up with him because it wasnt working at the time. I get flashbacks of thinking about him and I cry most days whenever I do. I know I didnt give myself much time to get over him and when I think about it rationally, in a lot of ways Im happier now. I feel like an adult, that looks forward to having sex rather than dreading it, and can't wait to be on my own with someone rather than planning meals with friends. But I miss the fun carefree days of just being silly with my ex, in a way that Im not with my new man because firstly he's more sensible and I feel like we are adults together, not children (we do laugh together, but not hop around the room to U2 for example) and also I dont want to go down that road of no longer becoming attracted to each other because we have turned into brother and sister. I feel that I need to keep some distance between us to prevent that happening again.

I also felt I could tell my ex anything and we would have long conversations, they were sometimes a bit repeatative but they were a good soundboard. With the new guy we mainly talk about logistical things like planning weekends etc and little things about our lives but we are not as open to each other, he doesnt like to talk for talkings sake, which upset me at first but he has opened up a bit. The new guy doesnt like to see me as often as I want,he likes to keep it to twice a week. To begin with this was probably sensible as I needed to get my life back but now I want to see him more. I even mentioned moving in together but he doesnt think we are ready yet, he said maybe in a year.

My new man doesnt drink much so we hardly ever sit down the pub with a bottle of wine talking crap, which i used to love. Instead we mainly watch TV in the evenings, and go for walks or visit new places in the days. Perhaps this is a better habit to get into as I get older, I dont know. I still see my friends down the pub, occasionally he comes too but not that often and we mainly keep our friends separate. I have chosen to be with someone that I fancy and respect over someone that was my best friend. Was I right to do so? Do I question whether the new guy is right because he is so different, or because I miss my old relationship even though it was wrong, or because he is not the right person for me? Perhaps it is strange for me to question it. I love them both, in different ways.

Sorry for the long post. Thought best to fully explain everything...

[izzyizin]

You've gone from one extreme to the other.

If you want to settle into premature middle age with a boring old fartcommitment phobe, stick with what you're doing.

If you want a passionate relationship with a man who's up for life and love, go find him.

[kalidanger]

All you've done is been out with two men who aren't right for you. You're young(ish ) and it's no big deal. End this relationship, have a lovely break and be free and single and see if you meet someone who is right for you. There's no disasters or failures here - just not the right guys for you.