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How do I hide my disgust at colleagues' affair?

(106 Posts)
BipBipBipBipBipBipBip Tue 12-Feb-13 19:37:54

Name changed as I cannot be outed over this..

Two people I have to work with are fucking. I know this as she confirmed it to my (reliable) friend and colleague while drunk at Christmas. However, it's pretty much an open secret. They have lunch together, meet up before work as well as their after work shag. (I presume they shag anyway.)

She's 35, single. He's early forty something I think, married, three children, youngest is one.

I'm finding it increasingly difficult to hide my revulsion at their affair. I have a young DC myself and find myself feeling horrific for his wife at home with the children while he fucks his subordinate.

Yes- it's none of my business, I know. But I can't stand what they're doing. How do I keep it all in? Is their affair unprofessional in itself?

Does anyone else have similar experience and can share what they did?

practicality Thu 14-Feb-13 10:47:00 way of dealing with this may be to approach the married boss. He is the skank in this situation as he is the person who has made vows to his wife.

You could go in and say you are sorry to hear he has broken up with his wife and you are impressed with how well he is coping at work considering the strain he must be under. He will in all likelihood say he hasn't split from his wife and wherever did you get that idea from. At that point you can bluster and apologise and let him know you understood him to be in a relationship with x owing to what she has said. It may help nip it in the bud and allow you to offload. The reality check may help him consider the morality of his behaviour for himself.

flowery Thu 14-Feb-13 07:56:08

I don't think there's inconsistency at all.

If it were the cheater's wife posting I would not advise her to turn a blind eye

If it were someone with a close personal relationship with the cheater's wife I would not advise them to turn a blind eye.

But this is someone with no personal involvement at all, who just knows these people through work. What should she do other than turn a blind eye? Form an opinion, sure. Express it to them or anyone else? No.

amillionyears Thu 14-Feb-13 07:51:34

Abitwobblynow, from what I can remember, I think I often agree with your posts.

But I think you are wide of the mark this time.
There are thousands of individuals on MN, as well as a few groups.
For your pov to be correct, I think you would have to know that the exact posters that do quite often say "leave the b......", are some of the same ones on here saying "turning a blind eye".
And even then, as in life, there are sometimes exceptional circumstances where even the most consistent people think that, well actually, a general rule that they hold does not apply this time.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 14-Feb-13 06:44:57

Denial?? hmm This is quite the opposite, surely. i.e. we all live in the real world where people do bad things. If the boss and his girlfriend were regularly propping up the local bar and then driving home drunk, the OP would be quite entitled to call in the cops. If they had their fingers in the till, ditto. If their affair is causing one or the other to compromise the business, show favouritism or some other material effect, then it might be time to leap in. But this is, as the OP correctly stated at the outset, none of their business. It's a private matter.

What if the OP was a member of a group that frowned on homosexuality and discovered the boss was gay? They'd probably be just as professionally offended at the immorality of the situation ... would it give them the right to sound off at work?

Abitwobblynow Thu 14-Feb-13 05:55:24

it's nonsense that there is a contradiction here between "kill the bastard" and "live and let live'

Denial is such a wonderful thing. It you deem it not to exist, you don't have to think about it!

Selba Thu 14-Feb-13 00:00:12

and I agree with get off your high horse but apparently that means I have had affairs .
what an utterly bizarre extrapolation

Selba Wed 13-Feb-13 23:58:57

it's nonsense that there is a contradiction here between "kill the bastard" and "live and let live'

Lots of people do not subscribe to the "kill the bastard " stance. It's by no means universal

amillionyears Wed 13-Feb-13 18:51:56

I dont think it is the case brass.

The op does not have absolute prrof.
And she doesnt know the ow.
And it is a workplace scenario.

Everybody can go round shouting all sorts from the rooftops, but some can also end up in court for slander.

lemonstartree Wed 13-Feb-13 18:50:14

my goodness, what vitriol. You sound quite unhinged OP. Why does gossip about what MAY be happening bother you so much ?

youfhearted Wed 13-Feb-13 18:30:44

yes and a different day, different wording, would ahve been a whole different ball game

brass Wed 13-Feb-13 18:23:14

LOL at the fickle mumsnet stance!

broken relationships, cheating husbands, divorce, DC caught in the crossfire -usually gets a 'kill the cunting bastard and feed his balls to the baying hounds' type response but here it's ' and let live'

Tryharder Wed 13-Feb-13 17:53:50

If 2 people are having a relationship which is conducted off work premises, they are relatively discreet and the relationship does not impact on you, then what on earth has it got to do with you?

If you complain about them or make a fuss, you will just make yourself look either jealous or unstable.

MorrisZapp Wed 13-Feb-13 17:51:11

Fraud, abuse and theft are illegal. Adultery is not.

flowery Wed 13-Feb-13 17:39:37

I get wanting to rant. I also get feeling morally superior, providing of course the OP has never done anything similar.

But she is coming across as really disproportionately angry, as though she is personally involved, and the "tramp", "skank" etc language unfortunately make her sound rather an unpleasant individual.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Wed 13-Feb-13 17:38:59

The Royal "we"? grin

Sorry, I normally agree totally with you Cogito

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 13-Feb-13 17:36:47

" MN is not one opinion"

You are quite right. I use the personal pronoun 'we' in the figurative sense...

JamieandtheMagicTorch Wed 13-Feb-13 17:31:35


I'd say the disgust might be stronger towards the man actually. And that you are extrapolating wildly

youfhearted Wed 13-Feb-13 17:28:51

i dont know what i would do in OP's position.
if you dont feel you can hide your disgust op, then don't.

sunny177 Wed 13-Feb-13 17:27:46

Omg this is exactly what my ex did. Shagging a work colleague before work after work and on odd days off. Taking my dd on dates too and she was only 1! We had 3 children and the eldest was 9. I feel v sorry for his wife who probably doesn't even have an inkling they are unhappily married like I was! Some men just can't keep it in their pants. If I was you I think I would have to say something to her about what she is messing with. After I found out and she was landed with him she decided the kids and him wasn't actually what she wanted surprise, surprise!

JamieandtheMagicTorch Wed 13-Feb-13 17:25:26


She hasn't been given short shrift by everyone though. MN is not one opinion

izzyizin Wed 13-Feb-13 17:19:33

Just like real life in the UK, Cog, but not necessarily like real life in Islamic societies where women have been, and continue to be, stoned or hung to death for little more than an allegation by self-righteous holier-than-thou types such as the OP and her ilk.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 13-Feb-13 17:15:59

"Its not nice to witness, not nice at all"

Stick around smile Here on MN we are quite lovely to people deserving of help but self-righteous holier-than-thou types tend to get short shrift... Just like real life, in fact.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Wed 13-Feb-13 17:15:34


JamieandtheMagicTorch Wed 13-Feb-13 17:15:09


yes it's a bit sweary. She sounds more angry than I might. But it's a bit annoying to be accused of being on a moral high horse when you are just expressing an opinion about something you feel strongly about.

It's a tricky one. OP should not gossip, should hide her disgust, but as someone on Page 1 said, this could have real implications for how Management is perceived and therefore it's ability to operate effectively

flowery Wed 13-Feb-13 16:58:57

I think it's the tone and language used by the OP that have influenced the responses she's had.

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