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How do I hide my disgust at colleagues' affair?

(106 Posts)
BipBipBipBipBipBipBip Tue 12-Feb-13 19:37:54

Name changed as I cannot be outed over this..

Two people I have to work with are fucking. I know this as she confirmed it to my (reliable) friend and colleague while drunk at Christmas. However, it's pretty much an open secret. They have lunch together, meet up before work as well as their after work shag. (I presume they shag anyway.)

She's 35, single. He's early forty something I think, married, three children, youngest is one.

I'm finding it increasingly difficult to hide my revulsion at their affair. I have a young DC myself and find myself feeling horrific for his wife at home with the children while he fucks his subordinate.

Yes- it's none of my business, I know. But I can't stand what they're doing. How do I keep it all in? Is their affair unprofessional in itself?

Does anyone else have similar experience and can share what they did?

MorrisZapp Wed 13-Feb-13 13:50:19

Sorry wobbly, I don't really understand.

GreatUncleEddie Wed 13-Feb-13 13:51:23

It might be a private matter. But it's still wrong. Are we not allowed to say anything is wrong nowadays? What bollocks.

calypso2008 Wed 13-Feb-13 13:53:52

Weird, weird OP.

It is all second hand hearsay. I don't understand either why you are at home with children, yet you work with these people?

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 13-Feb-13 13:58:15

"This is why our 'individualistic' society has more bad behaviour than, say, Islamic. Because nobody is held to account."

Really?..... I'd rather live in a liberal society where people largely let others get on with their own personal lives than one where others are so eager to keep women (mostly) in their place that they mete out terrible punishments. hmm

The OP is allowed to be appalled, disgusted, horrified or whatever.... but it's very bad form to be a busybody.

izzyizin Wed 13-Feb-13 14:18:50

This is why our 'individualistic' society has more bad behaviour than, say, Islamic. Because nobody is held to account

I can't recall reading anything more full of crap on this site than that particular statement.

Are you advocating stoning for the 'crime' of adultery, wobbly? If so, I have no doubt the OP will provide a rock or 10 as it seems she's come here for the purpose of whipping up a group of virtual vigilantes to condemn her colleagues for their alleged affair.

As the OP is without sin and as, no doubt, her h is equally above reproach it's unlikely she'll require the services of this board in any hour of need caused by infidelity.

However, those who genuinely require support and advice in these matters will continue to receive a sympathetic hearing and benefit from the collective wisdom of those who aren't as fortunate as the OP.

Abitwobblynow Wed 13-Feb-13 14:19:08

What I am talking about is a split: when people hold two separate, contradictory thoughts in their heads, whilst not being aware of it. So, for instance, animal rights activists who neglect their children/batter their partners (and there are many).
Or, people who are passionately against the death penalty, but hit their children.

Which is what this thread is doing. ON ONE HAND MN pours outrage and scorn on nasty H's and wicked OWs to devastated wives and express outrage that they could do such a painful thing, yet SIMULTANEOUSLY on the other require strict neutrality and lack of involvement on the other.

Yet in many communities which are still communal, not yet as fragmented as the (rather sick) Western nuclear family, the gossip and approbrium is such that people will still to this day, say 'what you are doing is disgusting'. And that happened in your culture not that long ago - before free love, man (the baby boomers). You do know the different generations? The Greatest Generation (WWI and WWII), Baby Boomers, Generation X, Millenials. - I just forgot you might not know the terms.....

Is that enough of an explanation for you.

Sorry you find it uncomfortable to have this mirror held up to you.

This person is expressing genuine outrage and pain at witnessing something she knows is wrong and is already causing enormous pain (wives lose out badly in affairs), and you are all implying she is pathological (ie, having an unhealthy reaction) - whilst you hold the hands of betrayed wives!!! Who is nutty?

Yet, if you witnessed a child bullying another child or a man beating a child or woman (other scenarios which causes the witness emotional anguish), you would not say 'it's none of my business' - would you?

Abitwobblynow Wed 13-Feb-13 14:22:02

Izzy that is conflating two issues. Not everything about the Islamic community is good, but not everything about it is bad, either (more evidence of split thinking)

You are a great wife hand-holder. So why do you hold two contradictory views, simultaneously, do you think?

calypso2008 Wed 13-Feb-13 14:24:19

errr ... she has witnessed NOTHING! That is why people are a bit hmm
To 'feel outrage and pain' at witnessing nothing and speculating, as one poster earlier says, is damaging. Absolutely nothing may be going on.

It is nutty.

And also crazy to compare it to witnessing a child bullying another child.

calypso2008 Wed 13-Feb-13 14:27:02

The OP is long gone - don't forget - she had to change her identity so as to not 'out' herself, while seeing to teething children, yet observing this 'fucking' all 'au meme temps'

GladbagsGold Wed 13-Feb-13 14:29:58

I think my boss is having an affair and I feel your angst, OP. It is none of my business (except that its probably in works time and expenses paid for hotels) but its just WRONG. I don't have proof that it is definitely happening and that his wife definitely doesn't know. And I am not the moral police. So I do nothing. But I have seen the fall out of of horrible cheating bastard behaviour before and don't like not sticking up for/doing something proactively for his wife. It is a horrible feeling.

PostBellumBugsy Wed 13-Feb-13 14:30:27

Be very,very careful about what you have heard.

I was the subject of speculation in a previous workplace where it was brought to my attention that I was shagging the CEO. I was horrified - really, really horrified that colleagues were saying this about me - given there wasn't a shred of truth to it.

If you are absolutely 100% sure of what is going on and you have to work with this woman, then you could say "Look, I have to work with you, but I feel uncomfortable with your relationship with The Boss." Although, I'm not sure what good that would do. You may feel better that you had voiced your disapproval - but to what end? If she is shagging the boss, then she certainly won't be singing your praises to him!

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS Wed 13-Feb-13 14:33:04

Happened lots in my old workplace. I just kept my nose out.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 13-Feb-13 14:43:23

"ON ONE HAND MN pours outrage and scorn on nasty H's and wicked OWs to devastated wives and express outrage that they could do such a painful thing, yet SIMULTANEOUSLY on the other require strict neutrality and lack of involvement on the other."

I don't get your point. When presented with a devastated wife faced with the awful truth of an affair and looking for sympathy/advice/etc , of course the response is different than someone getting huffy about behaviour that has nothing to do with them.

Happened to me in a previous job. Nightmare as I worked closely with the two people and managed one of them. Made my life at work awful and I left in the end as the person that worked for me as just doing what she fancied day in day out and I could do nothing.

badinage Wed 13-Feb-13 15:04:06

Although it's got fuck all to do with this thread, because I queried myself whether the OP was finding evidence to fit the bit of gossip she'd been told by the reliable (if not discreet) colleague, I do see Wobbly's point, which is a nuanced version of 'for evil to flourish, all it takes is a few good men to do nothing.'

I do think that on some social issues, people have got a bit hand-wringing and lily-livered about making judgements about behaviour that is demonstrably shitty and unacceptable. As if being judgemental is a worse offence than lying, sneaking around, defrauding relationships and workplaces of commitment and energy? On some issues I do bloody judge and I'm fine with that. Doesn't mean the people are irredeemable, or that they are all bad. But they are doing a shitty thing, make no mistake.

BipBipBipBipBipBipBip Wed 13-Feb-13 15:23:40

Eh- she admitted the affair to a colleague. Said colleague told me as she wanted to unburden and worried it would affect her job. She has otherwise kept it to herself on my advice, ironically enough.

What's with all the biblical references on here? Piss off.

Secondly, some people do work and look after teething children. What a stupid comment.

Thirdly, I thought describing someone as nutty is frowned upon here?

And I will sign off by saying that if your husband is up to his balls in some tramp he works with, I sincerely hope you are equally as understanding.

I pity you nasty posters.

youfhearted Wed 13-Feb-13 15:26:09

you are nice

flowery Wed 13-Feb-13 15:31:37

You say you are finding it hard to conceal your disgust. How exactly would you reveal your disgust?

Unless you are friends with either of them or the wife, how would it even come up?

You are perfectly entitled to disapprove of something someone else is doing, but unless it affects you or you have a personal relationship with the wife or something, it really isn't your business to express that disapproval.

calypso2008 Wed 13-Feb-13 15:42:45

nutty is fine. Espeically when you are being nutty.

'fucking' and 'up to his balls in some tramp', 'piss off', 'nasty posters' - less so.

All on a whim hmm

calypso2008 Wed 13-Feb-13 15:49:43

Actually, I have a genius idea for you - don't hide your disgust. Don't - go ahead - vent your anger on those you feel deserve it.

I think it will all work out for the best for you - I am sure your colleagues will respect you even more than they already do. grin

izzyizin Wed 13-Feb-13 16:11:16

I second calypso. Pure genius grin

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 13-Feb-13 16:35:22

Piss off yourself... smile Are you actually jealous of this woman? Worried that she has undue influence over the boss? Fancy a go at him yourself?...

fromparistoberlin Wed 13-Feb-13 16:39:22

not sure why everyone is being so sniffy to OP?????

OP I get it, my CEO was fucking people, and I knew he and his wife had suffered a stillborn. Really made me look at him differently

IF it really bugs you send them an anonymous emails or note

But dont DONT get caught!!!!


fromparistoberlin Wed 13-Feb-13 16:41:14

and it is her business, she works with them and witnesses them heading off

we would not be expected to disregard fraud, abuse or theft

Yes she is supposed to turn a blind eye to this?

I dont understand you people!

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 13-Feb-13 16:43:34

Because the OP is a self-righteous loon.... They've waded in at the full 8.6 on the Richter scale not 'looking at someone differently' (sensible response) but going on like some demented nun about disgust at the fucking and being appalled at the fucking and how revolting and horrific all the fucking is .... which is hardly the language of the moral high-ground and rather more typical of the lower fifth common room. (Hey. Is it half-term already?)

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