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How do I hide my disgust at colleagues' affair?

(106 Posts)
BipBipBipBipBipBipBip Tue 12-Feb-13 19:37:54

Name changed as I cannot be outed over this..

Two people I have to work with are fucking. I know this as she confirmed it to my (reliable) friend and colleague while drunk at Christmas. However, it's pretty much an open secret. They have lunch together, meet up before work as well as their after work shag. (I presume they shag anyway.)

She's 35, single. He's early forty something I think, married, three children, youngest is one.

I'm finding it increasingly difficult to hide my revulsion at their affair. I have a young DC myself and find myself feeling horrific for his wife at home with the children while he fucks his subordinate.

Yes- it's none of my business, I know. But I can't stand what they're doing. How do I keep it all in? Is their affair unprofessional in itself?

Does anyone else have similar experience and can share what they did?

ItsAFuckingVase Tue 12-Feb-13 22:57:57

I think that given all you have is a bit of gossip, you don't really need to be getting outraged on his wife's behalf. There might not be anything actually going on, there might be. His wife may know, or she may not. It's not really any of your business!

amillionyears Tue 12-Feb-13 22:58:46

Dont get caught in the cross fire.

sparkina Tue 12-Feb-13 23:00:24

You should mind your own business and stop personalising it. This is not your husband who's cheating and not your kids who are affected.

ReturnOfEmeraldGreen Tue 12-Feb-13 23:02:30

It's all part of (office) life, let it go.

badinage Tue 12-Feb-13 23:08:23

I think it's hard not to feel disgusted but unless it affects you professionally or it's compromising the company's business, it's best to be cool and businesslike around them. If one of them asks you for an opinion on what's going on, you can be as honest as you like of course. One thing I wouldn't do though is to pass on information based on a third party's evidence. Not to protect them, but to protect the man's wife from gossip and rumours. The other thing is, how do you know they definitely lunch together and are seeing eachother before and after work? Could it be a case of finding 'evidence' to fit the rumour you've heard and coming to the wrong conclusions?

Bogeyface Tue 12-Feb-13 23:09:08

I totally understand your outrage. What they are doing is wrong.

However, I dont think that there is much you can do. I would say though that if there is ever and issue with your colleague that you have to report to him, CC in your own line manager at the same time. If asked you can say that you felt that it was best as you both have different managers, and you can then be sure that he wont brush it under the carpet or try to make out that you are the one at fault simply because he is shagging her.

I would be mad as hell too though.

AnyFucker Tue 12-Feb-13 23:17:53

I would withdraw completely from anything other than cool, distant, professional dealings with both of them

if you are 100% sure it is true, of course

Feckthehalls Tue 12-Feb-13 23:19:51

by getting off your high horse and keeping your nose out.

Bogeyface Tue 12-Feb-13 23:21:33

by getting off your high horse and keeping your nose out.

I take from that that you have had an affair yourself and certainly never experienced the devastation of being cheated on.

AnyFucker Tue 12-Feb-13 23:30:13

I think you can judge as much as you like. But getting involved might put your neck on the line, so cool distance is the key.

If the wife was a personal friend of mine though...I would be singing like a canary

BipBipBipBipBipBipBip Wed 13-Feb-13 04:25:04

All this 'high horse' stuff is an idiotic response. Honestly, some of the bitchy responses on here are pathetically simplistic.

Sometimes, people do have the moral high ground. I wouldn't knowingly fuck a married man, for instance, nor would I cheat.

I would never say anything about their sordid relationship. But I still think he's a cunting wanker and she's a home wrecking skank if it's definitely true.

Anyway, have to go, teething and upset child.

izzyizin Wed 13-Feb-13 05:01:27

You're free to think what you want. Acting on your thoughts is another matter entirely and, in this case, is something to be avoided.

When professing It's not hard to feel morally superior to them, frankly perhaps you should give some consideration to the saying 'judge not, lest you be judged'.

BipBipBipBipBipBipBip Wed 13-Feb-13 05:04:16

Oh I judge alright. I will judge them as much as I want.

Because I can't fucking help it and I'm not Jesus

izzyizin Wed 13-Feb-13 05:16:20

You're beginning to sound a tad irrational. This may be due to teething/child and lack of sleep, but you are best advised to keep your high moral stance out of the workplace as frothing at the mouth about the alleged behavour of colleagues is not a good look.

scaevola Wed 13-Feb-13 06:57:54

My posts earlier on need to inform HR, as line management and sexual relaytionships don't mix, applies irrespective of marital status of the participants.

LovesBeingWokenEveryNight Wed 13-Feb-13 07:07:05

You can feel however want it is you right however whilst at work you are paid to be civil and professional and therefore must not show any sign of this. If you feel this is a matter for your employers to deal with then report it, other than that there is nothing to be done about it.

AThingInYourLife Wed 13-Feb-13 07:22:50

Of course you feel superior to this pair of scumbags.

Just keep it to yourself.

CabbageLeaves Wed 13-Feb-13 07:24:10

My HR wouldn't give a toss about sexual shenanigans between any grade of staff. All adults - they wouldn't police sex lives However if there was a work issue caused by the relationship they would get involved. It's a very clear differentiation though.... A work issue ...not a personal moral outrage issue

OP I'd share your disgust but it is a workplace. Be professional. Public displays of affection shouldn't be tolerated nor should public displays of outrage

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 13-Feb-13 07:48:43

"But I cannot help but feel disgusted at their behaviour. "

That's your perogative. There are a lot of horrible things going on in the world. Two people shagging is hardly the pinnacle of evil.... hmm Hope your own behaviour is squeaky-clean btw. 'Let he who is without sin cast the first stone' and all that....

LessMissAbs Wed 13-Feb-13 11:38:49

Just ignore it. It doesn't sound like it has any adverse impact on your work. You don't have any right to be a moral parameter for your work colleagues.

Do you also feel the same way about other criminals living in your neighbourhood and take action against, for example, local drunk drivers, or vandals?

Far worse happens than this, it is perhaps a problem to you if you cannot stop thinking about it.

deXavia Wed 13-Feb-13 11:52:57

But other than your friend's gossip and a few lunches together how do you know for sure they are having an affair?
When I was in my early 20's it was widely believed I was having an affair with my boss. I wasn't. Bugger all I could do - protest and that was proof, ignore it and that was proof. Bloody awful situation - and I'm sure his wife having to hear the rumors hated it even more! In the end I moved to a different part of company in a different city. Natural career move but I was very happy to get away from the situation. I can assure you that I detested the gossipy fishwives who put myself, him and his family in that situation
So keep your nose out and unless you actually see them going at it on the boardroom table - don't assume you know anything.

Abitwobblynow Wed 13-Feb-13 13:40:31

It's funny how everyone expresses shock and support to all the devastated wives on this thread, and then says 'it is none of your business'. This is why our 'individualistic' society has more bad behaviour than, say, Islamic. Because nobody is held to account.

I suppose what you could do, is download Linda J Macdonald's 'What will you become?' and post it P&C to him at work.

That is a hard hitting essay about the consequences of destroying your life and yourself - it would let him know that people around him know and disapprove (ie a boundary), it would break their selfish little bubble but with no confrontation or comeback.

MorrisZapp Wed 13-Feb-13 13:44:42

Wobbly, it isn't her business. It's not up to her or anybody else to hold them to account. It's a private matter.

Abitwobblynow Wed 13-Feb-13 13:48:16

So she is just 'projecting' is she, Morris?

She is the one with the pathology, and it is up to her to manage her feelings. I see.

I wonder if anyone else can see the split of this thread.

calypso2008 Wed 13-Feb-13 13:50:06

You sound quite nutty ... you know absolutely nothing for fact but are highly, unreasonably emotive about a piece of gossip.

It really is not your business. And stop using words like 'fucking' - you don't know what they are doing at all.

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