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Should i be worried about this?(40 Posts)
Hi, I'm a new member but have been lurking for a while and wondering if i should post this. Please be gentle.
I've been married two years and have a 6 month old DS. Been with my DH for 8 years. Recently i've been a bit worried about my DH's friendship with someone he works with.
When i was 8 months pregnant, i noticed a phone call to this girl that was at 1.30am for 30 minutes. At this time he was working away during the week and we'd had a number of arguments about him barely making time to call me. That particular day we'd spoken for just 5 minutes over 2 phone calls. He apologised, accepted that it was inappropriate and tried to reassure that they were just friends and she was going through a difficult time. (i know, i know). I think i accepted this just because i wanted everything to be okay with DS on the way.
Since then he isn't working away any more so i know there hasn't been any more late night calls but i've kept an eye on his phone anyway. He has deleted her number but I've seen texts from an unsaved number that i just know are from her, so either he knows the number or she texts him first. All the messages i've seen have been innocent. However, these messages are also getting deleted, when no others are, so i don't know if i'm seeing the full conversation.
They also talk on blackberry messenger, and again, these are deleted and what i've seen is innocent.
I don't want to talk to him at this stage as i'm worried that will just mean more deleting, and if there's something going on, i want to know about it. She's just his type and that's what worrying me i think.
Help, am i reading too much into it or not?
On the plus side it sounds like the OW puts work and headache ahead of is need for attention. Maybe she knows he's a new Dad and is keeping her distance. Does smack of it being more him chasing her 'friendship' rather than her needing him, either way, he is the issue, so he needs tackling somehow. Good luck, I hope you find a way to steer his focus towards your relationship, this is what he should do and this is what you and your DS deserve.
Agree with muddyboots, forward the messages to your own phone before you confront him. I did this and it certainly helped in moments when I doubted my pwn sanity or was tempted to minimise what he'd done. And he hated the fact that I was 'sitting on the evidence'.
We're three months in, trying to work things out. It's been a very rocky road but what has helped is him admitting (after reading the Shirley Glass book) that it was an affair. When he said the word, he said it was like being an alcoholic and finally admitting it to oneself. We're not out of the woods, but with talking and counselling we're inching forwards I think.
Good luck with your conversation. Try to let him do the talking, and let him think you know more than you do. Be prepared for a couple of stages of disclosure, he is unlikely to tell you everything during your first conversation.
Before you have the conversation is there any way you can forward the 'evidence' to yourself or a trusted friend?
Hopefully your DH will tell you the whole truth and you can move forward together.
I found suspicious flirty texts on my DH's phone a couple of years ago. I confronted him, he deleted everything immediately and then when I wanted him to explain individual messages to me he just kept saying "Oh, I can't remember....it was nothing" etc
Also, do not let him make you think that you are being post-natal, hormonal and irrational. You are not.
Thank you to everyone who replied and especially those who shared their own experiences. It's given me a lot to think about and ultimately I think that Boden has probably got it right. I doubt he has any idea what an emotional affair is and I definitely doubt he thinks he's in one.
I'm going to try to talk to him about it and will try to update if anything useful actually comes out of that discussion. I'm terrible at talking about things like this though, so I'm not holding my breath for that!
Go with your gut which seems to be saying "something is not right but I don't think it's a full blown affair".
He probably thinks it's 'harmless' flirting (he certainly won't think it's an emotional affair, as he probably doesn't know what that is) and is deleting messages because he knows it would upset you.
I think you do need to somehow talk to him about it. There are often blips in marriages, quite often set off by stressful events. You need to communicate with him, don't bottle it up and become over suspicious because that will not do you or your marriage any good.
I am a new member as well so thought i would give my opinion.I would say that you have to go with your gut instinct & confront him about this woman.
If it is just at the flirty stage then it may stop him in his tracks. Although i do agree with some of the other posts about the "you ignored me" comment. It is quite intense & not normally what you would say to someone you dont know well.
I had a similar situation with my ex partner just before i had our dc 9 years ago.A colleague of his started asking for help all of the time after work (diy) or at least thats what she called it.He started popping out a lot (which he never normally did) & i always had a uneasy feeling about it.He never admitted to anything even though several people who knew him at the time agree he was up to no good.He accused me of being hormonal at the time.
Their was also a period last year where he would bite my head off if i went near his laptop when he was on facebook.He forgot to logout once & and i went on it after him to find all these messages from a dating website. (Apparently i imagined this as well).Apart from being a liar he was also a arsehole (hence) the ex part.
I would definately get to the bottom of it with your dh , if only for your own sanity. Goodluck.
Him - you ignored me
Her - yeah, sorry, work got really mad etc etc .
This suggests to me that there are more layers to their friendship than mere colleagues who get along well.
It's a tricky one. But you know him. It could be something or nothing.
could you open up a discussion with him about how you each feel now you're both parents and it's not just you and him any more? See if that throws anything up?
Clearing his whole inbox isn't suspicious I agree - but cherry picking and deleting specific texts denotes obvious secrecy.
I reckon be watchful for a bit.
If it is nothing, and he thinks your a lunatic, blame hormones ;)
Whatever he's doing he's misbehaving Its just...how bad is it. My bf was chatting to his exes on facebook for ages, like middle of the night conversations about their new relationships, and flirting and stuff. I found this by accident one day. He had been pretending he was still single as well when he had spoken to the girls and talked about meeting up for drinks (although he said they never did). We had been together a year, I was really upset. I just openly broke down in front of him and he promised he would cut contact and never do it again. I dont know if he has but I have had to trust him on that, he never goes on facebook now.
So what Im saying is, it might just be a minor flirtation, and to nip it in the bud you would need to just tell him how upset you are that you have doubts whilst you are raising his children. If it is more than that, you would hope he would feel guilty enough to confess. I think you have enough evidence to confront him
Oh gosh, MrsReacher, the 'you ignored me' text has massive alarm bells for me, too.
That, and the 'she's going through a difficult time' trope, are proper red flags.
I'd be being very watchful from here on in.
And no, he rarely deletes other texts but may ocassionally clear his whole inbox. He's always done this so it doesn't worry me.
Oh f*ck. I never even thought of it like that. That's how he talks to me, which should have set giant alarm bells ringing.
What the hell do I do now? Should I talk to him, wait and see if there's more messages etc?
Sorry OP but that 'you ignored me' in the text exchange speaks volumes. It says he wanted her attention, suggests he usually gets it....that he is close enough to her to be all childish and hurt and expect reassurance...
It suggests an emotional connection to me. A work colleague being busy when you need to discuss something NEVER warrants 'you ignored me'.
Also, does he delete any other texts? From anyone else?
If not then this really seems like an EA, at least.
Sorry Hope I'm completely wrong.
Or to a mischievous DC. Another intimate relationship.
Him - you ignored me
Golly, I'd be worried. I say that to my very best friend when I'm joking and I know she's not. There is no other situation you say that to someone unless you're in a... A.... Well, I don't know what. To your partner when you're annoyed because you're being ignored? To your DM when you're half-joking. When else?
It basically means 'you usually pay me a TON of attention and I'm comfortable enough to be cute about it when you stop for a bit'
I truly hope I'm wrong, I'm a bit jaded in this area
I could go on the night out but DS is ebf and I'm not really ready to leave him yet. It's not a case of not being invited, more that there was no need to discuss it as I clearly wouldn't be going.
The last exchange I saw went like this-
Him- you ignored me
Her- yeah, sorry, work got really mad and had a banging headache (or something)
Otherwise it's been him saying hi, no reply from her and similar. No real content if you know what I mean.
Ninja- I know what you're saying but honestly, I don't want to think too hard about that at the moment.
This type of thing happened to me 18 months ago and I confronted as I wanted to nip it in the bud before it developed into anything more. There is a great web page on getting over your partner's affair by Dr Phil (yes, I know).
One of the key things with an EA is that your partner can try and rationalise it, that is, with a physical affair it is plain to see where/when the line has been crossed. But they will justify an EA with being a decent guy, being a shoulder to cry on, just having a laugh with someone. The fact is, we all know when something is inappropriate. One of the things it says on the Dr Phil page is that if you wouldn't do it with your partner standing in the room right by your side, then it's an affair.
If he has been messing about and you decide you want to separate, in moments of weakness remind yourself that he is a cheating b*stard and you and your DCs deserve better. We ended up working things out but not before I'd chucked him out and that was my mantra during those awful times. Write it down, read it and re-read it.
Oh, BTW, can you go on his work night out too?
It's always possible that they really are just good friends. What sort of thing is the "innocent" chat about?
Not sure, I think monitoring/checking of phones demonstrates a lack of trust. This action in itself is pretty corrosive. Whether or not he is up to something is almost irrelevant.
I'm not wishing to come off flippant but I spent ten years under similar circumstances.
Once trust has has gone, it's gone forever, why live like that is my point.
How innocent are the innocent texts? Ate they about work and such? Or feelings?
Thanks BB, I don't think it's over by any means but if he has cheated it definitely would be. I know myself well enough to know I'd never get over it.
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