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How important is sex to you

(18 Posts)
damppatchnot Tue 12-Feb-13 14:22:39


I only ask as I am separating from my husband who is not interested (other problems too) and I have been celibate for 7 years

Most of the time I did not think about it as I was busy raising the children but major life changes (loosing my parents) made me think how short life is and I need to be happy and have someone who is emotionally intelligent and can talk and cuddle and care ( which my husband cant)

I'm 45 and whilst he thinks we are middle aged and past it I'm full of life and energy

Branleuse Tue 12-Feb-13 14:26:08


I was in a (practically) sexless relationshp for 9 years (his disinterest) and it was hideous for my self esteem. I made excuses all the time about how it was ok, and to not worry, but it WAS a big deal. I have a healthy sex drive and i refuse to be ashamed of it ever again.

VoiceofUnreason Tue 12-Feb-13 14:28:36

Very. I wouldn't necessary have said that once upon a time, but having had a partner with incredibly low sex drive and after a few years unilaterally deciding we were never going to have sex again and my putting up with that for several years before I decided I couldn't live in a relationship like that...... (breathes, big sentence).....I now rate it as VERY IMPORTANT INDEED.

Quality over quantity to be sure, but even so.

damppatchnot Tue 12-Feb-13 14:39:08

Thanks for your honesty

It's very difficult

I was married first time to a violent man and he raped me

He was my first boyfriend and when I was single again at 29 after two years of being terrified of men I regained confidence and had a few casual relationships (I did not want to settle down big trust issues) and REALLY enjoyed the sex

Then at 34 I married an old friend as the thing I craved the most was security which I have

But we are like a brother and sister and I'm so different to him. I take care if how I look and like to keep young but he's just ready to be old and when I asked for a divorce and blamed it on our sexless relationship he said 'its not that important'

I have a friend who is in same position with wife and although I doubt anything will happen as he's very shy I think about him all the time and I feel so charged up I could explode

lolaflores Tue 12-Feb-13 14:49:22

Not sure anymore. My teens were spent actively avoiding it (can you scent the Catholic in the room) and then went a bit mad. However, I became aware that the sex I was having was not about me really. and then raped by someone i'd had a relationship with but it had been over, we were still friendly and he would drop by from time to time.
That was hugely damaging but I did the usual, no report, no one will believe me, we were lovers once and so on. Varnished over it.
I met my now husband a year or so later and we have had a very vibrant time together but over the years and in response to various physical probs (my back specifically) alot of the bubble has gone. Sporadic to say the least. I am not good at instigating and once or twice he has been "off", though he said in deference to not wanting to cause me any discomfort. Erm not sure how to feel about that.
So, sex is a thing I no longer have the energy to think about never mind get invovled in. Neutral

HotDAMNlifeisgood Tue 12-Feb-13 14:49:38

Would he be ok with an open relationship, damppatch? If sex is not important to him, but is to you, then something needs to change in order for your needs to be met. The options are:

- deny your own needs (NOT a recommended path: you'll end up bitter and depressed)

- agree to have an open relationship, where you can have NSA sex (IF both of you are able to cope with this emotionally and not let it affect your own relationship)

- leave him to find sexual fulfilment elsewhere.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Tue 12-Feb-13 14:53:20

Oh, I've just read your posts a bit more carefully. So, you are separating from your husband (with a view to a divorce? or "let's see if we prefer being apart"?), and you have the hots for a married friend of yours.


Don't start anything with your married friend until BOTH of your respective marital situations are cleared up. Unless you want to land yourself and a bunch of other people into a tangled emotional mess.

damppatchnot Tue 12-Feb-13 14:53:26

I think loosing my parents has made me think live life to full

I'm a catholic too and that makes it difficult but I feel like a bird trapped in a cage

Technoviking Tue 12-Feb-13 14:56:50

Very. But I only want it with DW, so if we're not having it I'll wait until she wants to. However long that is.

damppatchnot Tue 12-Feb-13 15:02:01

I would not start anything without separating from dh and planning divorce and if friend is not the same

I would never have an affair or break another relationship up

My friend would not either so maybe with time and courage to end things my future may be brighter

WaitingForMe Tue 12-Feb-13 15:02:05

I refused to say the words "in sickness and in health" when I married DH as I wanted to be honest and I couldn't promise to stay should he lose interest in sex. Fortunately his ex decided his first marriage would be pretty much sexless so he was rather happy sex was such a big deal to me.

My ex was abusive and withheld sex partly as a weapon and partly because he had a low sex drive. I'll never waste time on a man that doesn't crave me again, it was hideous.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Tue 12-Feb-13 15:04:47

I'm sorry for your loss.

But your use of "live life to the full" and "I feel like a bird trapped in a cage" make me think you are on the brink of doing something very, very rash. There will be consequences if you start up a sexual affair with another married person - consequences that you will have to deal with.

If sex is important to you, then it's important to you, and that's entirely ok. But sort out your marriage first (end it properly), and choose a sexual partner (or partners) who is actually available.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Tue 12-Feb-13 15:05:10


Darkesteyes Tue 12-Feb-13 15:44:13

My marriage has been celibate for 17 yrs. I have a lot of posts about my situ on the "Why do people have affairs" thread.
It makes me angry that men can get away with dismissing womens needs like this.
And the reason that they think they can is because there is still this deep ingrained stereotypical belief in society that "women dont really like sex anyway" and only do it to have kids"
Reverse the genders in this situation though and the attitude completely changes. "oh you cant refuse a man because he needs his oats"
whenever womens needs are discussed it seems to cause nasty mysogynistic reactions too. Louise van der Veldes recent appearance on This Morning is a good example of this.
Also its about more than just the sex act. Its about the tenderness and intimacy that surrounds it. That goes too.
But hey we are women and we are either whores or frigid right???!!!
Sorry but for him to dismiss your needs as "not that important" he is basically saying that you are not important.
And i know what you mean about feeling charged. Im 40 this year and for the past couple of months ive been having very vivid dreams (not every night but intermittently) Its a soul destroying life to live.

AnyFucker Tue 12-Feb-13 15:48:21

Very important

Your husband is a fool to write off a sex life at 45

But I really hope you are not going to use the responses here to do something that is very wrong indeed hmm

Darkesteyes Tue 12-Feb-13 15:57:01

And if womens needs are seen as equal to mens ....

Whenever the debate about whether Catholic priests should remain celibate or not rears its head (as it does every now and again) why does NO ONE ever ask the same question or have the same debate about the nuns????!!!!!

Charbon Tue 12-Feb-13 17:02:13

But from your OP this isn't just about your sexual needs not being met, it's about other needs too. You said that there was a lack of emotional intelligence, cuddling, caring and talking as well as sex. So when you told your husband you were separating because of no sex, that wasn't true.

Which is why when people have emotional needs, an affair even openly negotiated is not the answer if it is intended to maintain the marriage. It's much better to separate in those circumstances.

The importance attached to sex varies according to individuals and it transcends gender boundaries. What's important though is that people feel entitled to express their own personal needs and for their feelings to be validated, whether that's to have sex or not to have sex.

It's your right to leave a relationship where your needs are not being met, but recognise that this is not just about sex.

damppatchnot Tue 12-Feb-13 17:15:05

Yes absolutely it's not just about sex

He is unable to talk emotionally he just doesn't get it. He cannot talk properly and does get emotional needs ( our dd aged 9 gets v frustrated with him too) he never cuddles me or offers me a shoulder to cry on

It's like having a third child

I love him as the father of my children. But I cannot live with him anymore as its draining my soul

He says " I can't change it's how I am" when I try to get him to be more patient with the children or stop being grumpy but I'm a positive person and young at heart who loves to act silly with the kids and he just says shhhh

It's not just the sex as dark says its the intimacy
And I would not get involved with anyone unless we are both free as I'm an emotional person and done want to get hurt or hurt others

It will be hard enough to send him away as he is so set in his ways I think as I've not acted on it he thinks its ok

But THANKYOU for such honest responses as I now feel I'm doing the right thing


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