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Ex at wedding

(207 Posts)
Heynegrita Tue 12-Feb-13 13:58:25

I am going to be chief bridesmaid at a wedding soon. My ex partner will be there with his new girlfriend. I left him approx 2 years ago for another man.

He has said I cannot bring my new partner to the wedding.

The wedding couple are friends of both of us. The groom being my ex's best friend.

Although I feel I cannot say anything as I would not spoil the wedding, I am wondering if I can leave early. I feel everyone will be judging me as all my exh friends have said they don't want my partner at the wedding either.

We are all in our thirties.

wheredidiputit Sat 16-Feb-13 08:14:24

Well I would say it did, and he is blaming you for your marriage break and in doing so not having to admit what he did.

And why he s acting like he is about this wedding, because he can see his house of cards falling down around him.

Heynegrita Sat 16-Feb-13 08:10:04

I have never met her. They were very close friends and obviously attracted to each other. I am sure nothing inappropriate happened whilst we were married though.

wheredidiputit Sat 16-Feb-13 08:02:13

Have you ever met his GF. You say they were very close friends at work but nothing more before you left. I'm just wondered if there was more to it and he doesn't want his girlfriend to let slip that they were together before you left. And his friends find out he has being not telling them the truth about what happen and made you out to be beyond evil.

SolidGoldBrass Fri 15-Feb-13 22:01:08

Anyone who tries to make their hurt feelings everyone else's problem is a failure and was undoubtedly a shit partner in the first place. Don't forget that people often get dumped because they are losers and crappy partners - leaving a relationship is a perfectly reasonable thing to do.

Heynegrita Fri 15-Feb-13 20:34:50

He asked that DP would not be invited. That is not the issue .

ravenAK Fri 15-Feb-13 19:24:32

I think OP should email the ex back, saying: 'I've already agreed to attend the wedding, at which I am a BM, without my DP. This was as a concession to you.

I'm not going to let B&G down & it's completely unreasonable of you to suggest it.

So I will be attending as planned. You can make your own decision based on this, but if I do see you there, rest assured that I'll do my best to stay out of the way of you & gf, but will be civil & friendly when we do encounter each other.'

I don't see any reason to pander to him. He is entirely entitled to feel however he does about the break up of your marriage, & entirely entitled to stay away from events at which you'll be present - what he doesn't get to do is to dictate your actions.

waltermittymissus Fri 15-Feb-13 18:57:59

I actually don't think he could have asked ever! It's not his wedding to ask about!

He could have asked the b&g not to invite her I suppose. But I suspect he either did that already or he wouldn't want to!

cuillereasoupe Fri 15-Feb-13 18:47:13

actually I've changed my mind. I think that since OP is chief bridesmaid he should have withdrawn. He could only have asked her to withdraw if she were just an ordinary guest.

cuillereasoupe Fri 15-Feb-13 18:43:28

Asking isn't dictating... but I agree it needed to go through the bride.

MadBusLady Fri 15-Feb-13 18:38:02

No he can't dictate, but he can ask her to withdraw gracefully.

Why, what about the bloody bride?? Doesn't she get a say in who's on her top table at this "highly symbolic and emotionally charged event"?

waltermittymissus Fri 15-Feb-13 18:35:23

Well he could have asked the bride and groom not to invite her or to withdraw the invitation but he didn't.

My guess is, he wouldn't even tell them what he had done and OP would look like the bad guy even more!

As much as OP has no right to dictate who should be allowed to go (her DP), ex has no right to dictate who shouldn't!

HilaryClinton Fri 15-Feb-13 18:33:19

Yes he could ask her to withdraw gracefully, but he didn't choose to do that because he asked the bridesmaid to withdraw rather than declining himself. He also asked in a demanding and manipulative way, and ignoring that OP is equally entitled to say do one I've noted your concerns but will be attending.

cuillereasoupe Fri 15-Feb-13 18:25:04

No he can't dictate, but he can ask her to withdraw gracefully. I haven't gone back upthread to read the email he sent but I'm not surprised he can't face seeing her at someone else's wedding. Breakups cause unpleasant fallout, yes even two years later.

He's also been the object of some pretty unpleasant comments that I think are not on.

MadBusLady Fri 15-Feb-13 18:14:12

I think you probably missed the bit where the OP said the ex is now asking HER not to go to the wedding.

Nobody's saying he can't still be upset (though his current GF might have some views on that), but he can't start interfering with the choice of chief bridesmaid for someone else's wedding FGS.

cuillereasoupe Fri 15-Feb-13 17:57:22

This is probably worth re-highlighting - she didn't "just meet" someone and waltz out of a perfectly healthy relationship for him

Well she would say that wouldn't she?

There's a distinct air of "Tsk, those pesky exes. Why can't they just get with the programme already?" about this thread.

I'd tend to agree with CuChullain. Two years isn't that long to get over someone, and this isn't just any old event, it's a highly symbolic and emotionally charged one. I'm afraid OP I think this is a lump you have to take.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 15-Feb-13 15:18:32

Good job the happy couple picked May this year or exH might have had to wait another year minimum before airing all this.

ScarletWomanoftheVillage Fri 15-Feb-13 15:07:17

Quite, Autumn

Whocansay Fri 15-Feb-13 15:00:38

Voice I thought that they asked the DP before the formal invitations went out and then changed their minds after being guilt tripped by the ex, although this is not clear. It doesn't really matter. The point is, the B&G clearly have no problem with either the DP or the OP, or they wouldn't be socialising with them and would not have invited the DP at all.

I'm not clear at what you're trying to suggest, tbh Voice. But we don't burn people who leave husbands and then clutches pearls goes out with a new partner.

OP, sorry to be talking about you like you're not here! I would simply ignore the ex. Engaging with him will make him worse as he'll have got the attention he craves.

Marcheline Fri 15-Feb-13 14:35:46

Heynegrita, I hope itdoes all settle down. You sound perfectly reasonable so I'm sure you'll do what's right for your friends on their wedding day. Then you can go back to ignoring crazy ex.

VoiceofUnreason Fri 15-Feb-13 14:28:57

Whocan - This thread really isn't clear due to the various drip feeds which is why I asked for clarification as to whether the OPs DP was ever originally formally invited. OP said he was NOT. Whether this was due to the EXH interfering is a matter for debate, but point us originally, for whatever reason B&S DID NOT INVITE HIM. THEIR choice.

They later, verbally, when they were all out drinking, said he could come, which I would take to mean the evening do, otherwise it would have been formal.

MimiSunshine Fri 15-Feb-13 14:27:49

I would strongly suggest not forwarding the email on to bride and groom,its not fair to put it on them, you must be important to the bride to be her Chief bridesmaid.
Don’t discuss it anymore with friends as at the end of the day its no one else’s business.

Of course Exh’s friends are all agreeing with him, god knows how he paints things to them and at the end of the day even close friends get sick of hearing about the same cr4p and just start agreeing with you if you’re constantly crying on their shoulders about relationship stuff from years ago.

Your OH probably wouldn’t enjoy the wedding as it sounds like he would only know you, bride and groom and you’ll be busy, so while its frustrating he’s not invited, its no big deal really.

However I’d reply back to the Ex and say you’ve already discussed the end of the marriage and you don’t have anything further to clear up. You feel that to rehash it would be disrespectful to his new GF (don’t mention your OH) so you are going to cut all contact now.
You hope he feels able to enjoy the wedding but as you are chief bridesmaid, you mostly certainly will be there (don’t mention him not going – you don’t want to give him further ammo to slag you off with).

Then just stop responding to his emails and block his contact, he can’t forever control you just because you left him

Whocansay Fri 15-Feb-13 14:16:39

The OP has an absolute right to walk away from a relationship if she wants to. For whatever reason she wants, no matter how trivial it may be to anyone else. She doesn't have to flagellate herself for it either.

Heynegrita Fri 15-Feb-13 14:14:02

The g/f is a work colleague who he has known for ages. They were close when we were married but there was no affair. It was just a close friendship. They then got together shortly after I left the marriage. My point being they have been together awhile.

The wedding is may plenty of time for everything to settle down. I hope.

Whocansay Fri 15-Feb-13 14:13:54

Voice But the B&G DID originally invite her DP. It was only after the ex started kicking up a stink that they thought it might be best if he didn't come. And since the B&G socialise with the OP and her DP, they clearly have no problem with her being split from her ex.

And OP also said her EXH friends didn't want her DP at the wedding, not her friends or joint friends. You're reading stuff that isn't there. At least, not from what the OP's written. So yes, it is bullshit to suggest all the friends have sided with him.

And other things become relevant, as things have moved on from the original post. The ex has asked her not to go at all. I think its now very relevant that the ex is still hung up about it after 2 years and a new partner. This is about his pride and control. He has a right to be hurt, but has no right whatsoever to dictate the guest list and make a wedding all about him.

Lueji Fri 15-Feb-13 14:03:22

Maybe I should use your advice tell them to just 'suck it up'.

I'm afraid that's what they have to do.
As anyone else who has been left.
They have to deal with it and move on.
There is no other way.

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