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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Ex at wedding

206 replies

Heynegrita · 12/02/2013 13:58

I am going to be chief bridesmaid at a wedding soon. My ex partner will be there with his new girlfriend. I left him approx 2 years ago for another man.

He has said I cannot bring my new partner to the wedding.

The wedding couple are friends of both of us. The groom being my ex's best friend.

Although I feel I cannot say anything as I would not spoil the wedding, I am wondering if I can leave early. I feel everyone will be judging me as all my exh friends have said they don't want my partner at the wedding either.

We are all in our thirties.

OP posts:

Report

phoenixrose314 · 12/02/2013 14:07

It is the bride who has dominion over the wedding!! Ask her - I'd she says its okay, then it's okay!!

Besides, if he's there with someone it would be a little hypocritical of him to get funny with you for bringing somebody.

oldwomaninashoe · 12/02/2013 14:07

The day is about the bride and groom not about you and your ex. The groom has not invited your new partner, but you have agreed to be chief bridesmaid so it cannot be a dealbreaker to you.
Just plaster on a smile for the bride, and get through the day the best you can. If there is an evening "do" with dancing etc I'm sure you will be able to slip away once it is in full swing with the excuse that you are tired or something.

Sugarice · 12/02/2013 14:08

This sounds like it could be awkward.

Have the bride and groom also said he can't come?

olgaga · 12/02/2013 14:12

Did the bride tell you that your partner wasn't invited when she asked you to be her bridesmaid?

If not, then I think they are being unreasonable to make this a last-minute condition.

But ultimately do you want your partner to be there, if it's going to create such an atmosphere?

Heynegrita · 12/02/2013 14:16

The groom has said he doesn't want to upset exh and the bride does not want to upset the groom.

They both have met my new partner loads of times and get on really well

OP posts:

Sugarice · 12/02/2013 14:19

I'd leave early in that case as there's no way your dp is going to allowed to come.

See the meal out, have a drink then meet your dp afterwards.

I can't see the bride disagreeing with that.

olgaga · 12/02/2013 14:19

Sounds to me as though he's not invited. They should have told you before. If you want to keep your friendship you'll suck it up for her. It's only one day for you and your partner, but it's their important day.

Heynegrita · 12/02/2013 14:43

Yes I will slip away. I feel uncomfortable that he feels so strongly about this. .

Just feel a bit awkward as we are all going on a double decker bus from the church to the do.

OP posts:

FellatioNels0n · 12/02/2013 14:49

I think he really should grow up and get over this now - it was two years ago for crying out loud. It's not as though you were married with children.

I am surprised the bride and groom are pandering to him like this - you are their friend too, and they should be treating you equally.

I think you should say 'ok, I won't bring X, but he must not bring Y either'.

If your new BF is not invited/allowed to attend then I would explain in advance to the bride that you will be leaving once all the formalities/meal/speeches are over. Unless they agree that he cannot bring his new GF either.

Lueji · 12/02/2013 14:49

Is this partner the man you left your ex for?

TBH, unless the couple was that important to me, I wouldn't go.
Particularly if I had been invited with my partner to start with.

Heynegrita · 12/02/2013 14:54

Yes he is the partner I left my ex for .

OP posts:

Whocansay · 12/02/2013 15:00

Why the hell does he get to bring his new partner and dictate that you cannot bring yours?!! What an arse. If you were ever in doubt, I think this alone proves that you made the right decision in leaving him.

I would leave early. And possibly withdraw from being a bridesmaid. For some reason your feelings do not matter to the bride and groom, but they are happy to accomodate your ex fw and his ridiculous demands. This would anger me.

olgaga · 12/02/2013 15:04

I don't think you can expect to lay down rules for your own attendance at someone else's wedding - however unreasonable it seems to you.

Your choice is to go on their terms, or not go!

Narked · 12/02/2013 15:09

So your new partner is the man you cheated on you husband with and left him for? And this is his best friend's wedding? And 'all my exh friends have said they don't want my partner at the wedding either' which presumably means the groom too?

Try acting with a little consideration for others. One day without your DP won't kill you.

VoiceofUnreason · 12/02/2013 15:12

I tend to go along with Narked on this (but perhaps have left out the last line). Your ex now has a girlfriend but I can see how this can still be awkward if the groom is his BEST friend.

slug · 12/02/2013 15:13

Ask him how this would make his new girlfriend feel. To see him so embroiled with his old girlfriend that he cannot bear to see her with another man. Says a lot about the state of his current relationship.

TalkativeJim · 12/02/2013 15:14

So you are chief bridesmaid and your ex the groom's best friend (best man?)

Gosh, if I were your ex's new gf I'd be steering clear of this event I think!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 12/02/2013 15:15

Presumably OP was asked to be chief bridesmaid, she didn't invite herself, so at least the bride is on close terms with OP.

Tbh drink will be flowing, tempers might fray, I wouldn't push the issue of your DP coming along. Shame to spoil ypour friends' wedding day.

Any snarky remarks from ex and/or his gf, ignore and leave after reception speeches.

DontmindifIdo · 12/02/2013 15:17

Hmm, I think whatever happens, the most dignified thing you can do is to tell the bride you don't think you can be her bridesmaid and step away from the wedding altogether.

I see your exH making a big show of his new GF. If he's not over your relationship enough to not want your DP to be there (which is understandable given the way your relationship ended) even though he will be there with his new partner, then throw in a few drinks and you might get either a confrontation or an overelaborate display of how happy he is with his new DP (roughly translated, everyone else thinking they are being inappropriate and should wait until they are in their room). Either way, it could mean the talking point is you and your ex, not the happy couple.

Best for everyone if you step back and don't go at all.

Heynegrita · 12/02/2013 15:21

No hes not best man.

The bride and groom are joint friends of us both. Althought the groom was always my exs best friend. He is still good friends with me and my new partner and we socialise quite a bit.

Totally agree drink flowing etc. TBH I wish I had said no but too late now.

I will just go on my own and ignore the remarks and sit on the bus on my own.

.

OP posts:

scaevola · 12/02/2013 15:25

There is still clearly animosity amongst this group of friends about your cheating on your ex, rather than leaving cleanly then starting a new relationship. It also sounds as though, despite your friendship, this groom and the wider group is generally closer to ex than to you.

You'll not have a good time by stirring up even more ill feeling by trying to insist on new DP being there.

Go alone, with good grace, or withdraw completely and just chalk it up as one of the ripples of how you chose to end it back then. You'll not be able to rewrite anyone's opinion now (possibly not at all, but definitely not over this incident).

scaevola · 12/02/2013 15:26

x-ed with your last, OP. I think you're making the right decision.

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DontmindifIdo · 12/02/2013 15:38

sounds like the right decision, however perhaps a quiet word with the bride, say about your concerns that your exH's reaction to the idea of your DP being there has made you realise it is probably still an issue for him even though he's moved on and has a new relationship.

Say that you are going to offer two options, either you'll come along, be chief bridesmaid (which suggests to me you are very close to the bride!), but leave before the evening do to avoid any drunken comments by exH, or if she and her DP think it still might be akward at all you being there, you'll not come at all and promise you won't be offended.

If the bride keeps saying it's not going to be a problem, say that it obviously is enough of a problem that she won't invite the DP of her chief bridesmaid. Stress you aren't angry at her, and it must be difficult for her and the groom to find themselves in this position.

Whatever you do, don't let yourself be talked into staying for the evening do. That's when things get messy at most weddings. Best they get messy in someone else's direction.

clam · 12/02/2013 18:48

I think the best thing you can do for your friend (the bride) is to take away a huge potential source of additional angst for her on her wedding day by saying you don't expect your new partner to come. She's probably agonising over it all and it's not fair on her.

Doha · 12/02/2013 19:00

Talk about double standards
The bride and groom are pandering to your ex's wishes at the expense of your feelings. Your ex is not a member of the wedding party you are-surely your feelings count. To be honest l think it is unfair of the groom to not want your DP at the wedding. Would he be so unreasonable if you called off being chief bridesmaid and made his bride upset?
I feel for your DP in all this, being excluded is a huge insult from so alled friends and l am not sure that l would be happy being bridesmaid in these circumstances.
Youe ex obviously still has issues, that's his problem no one elses and ater 2 years it is a bit naf to be pandering to him.

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