I'm not a mum, was googling and a mumsnet thread came up and I think getting 'mum's' advice would be really useful.
When I was 9, my Dad had a very messy affair with a 19 year old girl who at the time had a 4 year old son, he hid it for a while allowing our family life to get horrendously bad before one day packing up and leaving unannounced. He left it to my mum to explain and did not come and see us for over a week. When he saw us he made no effort to talk about anything but pretended everything was normal and got cross when I reacted confused and angry at him. After a few more 'meet ups' where he acted similarly, being very angry and talking with excitement about his new wife and family, he then disappeared without warning abroad for a few months.
He returned and again, expected me to get on with him fine and not ask questions or really react in any way other than a positive way. He became verbally and physically abusive as he got more frustrated I wasn't buying into his fantasy of me staying with him every other weekend. I was scared of him.Things deteriorated until it went to court and my dad was ruled to not have contact with me alone or any custody.
I spoke to him briefly via letter at 16 (I was really struggling with things and had some informal counselling with a teacher) and my dad explained his view of things, but mainly blamed my mum, saying she was making me hate my dad and stopping him see me. None of that is true in any way. He would send me photos and news about his other children, my half siblings, and expect me to be interested and couldn't understand how upsetting I found it. I cut contact.
I am now at University and really happy with my life, my dad is very much out of my life and not something I feel upset or hurt about on a day to day basis like I used to when I was in contact with him. It was a huge step to cut him out, and took a lot of confidence. For the last year I've thought of it as one of the best things I have done as it really has made a big difference to my happiness and outlook on life.
Now, today, I got an email from him stating forcefully he is coming to visit me (at uni) as we need to talk. This is after a year of no contact whatsoever. I feel angry he is using a tone in his email that I am like a child, someone he can boss about and scare into seeing him by using such an alarming tone. I am though, quite scared he is going to just turn up. I don't want him to ever be able to hurt me again.
Most of me doesn't want to see him, but a small part wants to hear what he has to say. I am really stable in life though and don't want to disrupt that, I'm scared of him and have in many ways heard all he has to say and come to the conclusion he has treated me badly and does not, right now, have a place in my life.
I'm close to my mum and siblings and will talk to them about it later.
Any advice though?
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Should I agree to meet up with dad? I'm 20.
ToMeToYou · 11/02/2013 18:43
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