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Do your DH's say this about you?(63 Posts)
I'm new here, but have been lurking for some time. Love the support and honest advice. Looking for some myself.
So...DH got an email about five years ago from an ex gf. It was very basic hello/hi stuff. He replied, including that he was married. After that there were a couple of other exchanges and nothing since. DH was open and honest about all of them. There was nothing in the emails to suggest anything. Though it seemed to me like the ex gf was a bit lonely. I also found it odd that her first email didn't mention that she was married, though she did talk about her new job. She only mentioned marriage when DH wrote saying he was married.
Just yesterday, the ex gf writes again. DH showed me the email immediately after he saw it. Being the nosey parker that I am, I scrolled down to see the previous email exchanges. I realised that the initial reply that DH had written (those five years ago) had been returned undelivered and he had written another email. This particular email I had not seen, until yesterday. It was very basic but the thing that bothered me was this "I am now married, which keeps me busy". He then went on to talk about work etc etc. Not a long email.
"I am married now, which keeps me busy" - if you saw this coming from your DH, what would you think? I was and still am very upset and hurt. I was not looking for appraise but a simple ' I am happily married' or even ' I am now married' would do. I always go on and on when I describe DH to someone - I'm married to a wonderful man, blah blah blah. I don't expect DH to do the same but to say marriage keeps him busy is a bit hurtful. Work and children may keep someone busy but to say a marriage keeps one busy??
DH thinks I am over reacting to a 'flippant' comment. That I just need a reason to argue.
By way off background, I got married to DH about 8 years ago and moved to the UK. I am not from the UK. DH is English. I eventually settled down, got a good job, made some friends etc. DH then got a very job in a third country and we moved here. We have been here for about 4 1/2 years. I had to restart all over again. We have a good life here, though it's not an easy country to live in. It is lonely at times and my whole life revolves around my two DCs. We do not go out in the evenings, we don't really meet friends, unless I force DH to belong. We do not entertain. This place is a very country club lifestyle type of place and we do not do any of it. I don't change out of my pajamas all weekend as I know we are not going anywhere. DH has made it clear that he doesn't really want to go out. Sometimes we do things but not often. The only real outings are birthday parties, nursery related events. When dads are invited, DH always comes along. Our marriage is all about the children, I feel. I feel DH does not take my feelings into consideration ( I never wanted to move here by the way) nor do I feel desired or appreciated.
I feel this comment is exactly what DH feels of me - a bit of a burden, a nagging, cranky wife he has to deal with at the end of the day, someone who has woren him out with all the arguing.
Advice and perspective much appreciated. Have I blown this whole thing out of proportion? Sorry for the long post!
Plenty of British men are more enlightened than your husband.
The ones that aren't often choose wives from places in the world where women are still overtly treated as second class citizens.
That way they hope to get a nice compliant wife they can control.
Just like your husband has done.
He picked you to do his bidding.
I bet he never thought he'd have the issue of you wanting to work either.
But he's squashed it down, because despite bring miserable and having a good opportunity drop into your lap you turned it down because it's "not a good time"
Hint: there's never going to be a good time
boss, that should be, I'm not calling him a fish!
No, you don't sound ungrateful. You're supposed to be a team of equal worth, not a master and servant or bass and pampered pet. Does H sometimes buy nice things for himself? Surely you each have an equal right to spend money on personal choices.
Thank you everyone for the posts and support. Turned it down as it's not the right time. Other issues- many on my mind but wouldn't know where to begin.
It's funny how women from my part of the world think Western men are all liberated and believe in equality between the sexes. I never thought I would have issues such as arguing about wanting to bloody work!
Asking for money and feeling like you have to justify it is all just becoming too much. I am not a bigger spender but I do sometimes go out and buy things unnecessarily - too much local craft etc. Once I asked if DH could just give me a bigger amount of money and he said the last time he did it I spend it too quickly. I know this sounds like he is tight but he actually isn't. We're trying to save as much as we can to buy a house back in the UK but sometimes I just want to fucking live a little!!! Sorry, for the rant and bad language. I sound ungrateful....
I said no to it
Ahh, that's a real shame. I was hoping that you would at least consider the options and possibilities before turning it down.
Oh well, hope we can help you at some point with the other issues you've mentioned.
Oh, what a pity.
Feel free to keep posting if you like!
The kids are fine. Like I said earlier, if there are birthday parties on weekends, I always take them. Toddler goes to a local nursery so I always do the playdates. The children from next door come to play on the weekend. So plenty to fill their days.
Kalidanger, there ARE lots of threads here
I thought about the job. I said no to it. It just wouldn't have worked out. I'll wait for the baby to grow up a bit more. But till then I can just be happy that I was considered for it!
Mimi, she has a huge garden with a pool. She takes the DC to book club and all her other activities. Sounds like she deserves a PJ day and the kids are hardly missing out, are they?
I don't think comment about being married and busy meant anything. Just casual conversation. You do sound a bit depressed otherwise though. You really don't take the children out on weekends?
I agree with some of the earlier posts. Of itself I'd say it is a blokes way of saying
"I am married, i am off the market, and I am too nice to tell you to just back off if you have the remotest notion of me reciprocating any rekindling of latent feelings you may have for me"
"I'm sure he wants a happy and healthy wife."
I wouldn't be so sure.
The only thing he sounds busy doing is controlling where you live, work and socialise And he's not busy doing anything other than a peck either?!!
There are five 'whole other threads' here.
One step at a time, OP.
For now just ring up about the job and get as much information as you need eg salary, working hours, annual leave, flexibility etc. Then you can take the next step based on that information.
Unless he is about to become pope, I can't think of a job that is more important than something that could save your sanity. He doesn't want a nanny? Tough. I'm sure he wants a happy and healthy wife. A nanny goes part way there.
"I never thought I would have issues like this with an English man! These problems only seemed possible from the culture I come from."
I suspect he never thought he'd have the problem of an assertive wife who wanted to work when he chose to marry someone from your culture.
Do not let him run your life.
You are a person too, and every bit as important as he is.
I never thought about accepting the job. You ladies have actually made me think about it. It an unstated agreement that DH works and I stay at home. Even in the UK, my job dare not hinder DH's in any way. Okay, he earned way, way more but I still found it a bit unfair. I never said anything then but I also didn't fully recognise it. I didn't have the wisdom of mumsnet
I will think a bit more about this job. Though I'm a coward. And I don't want to rock the boat at home. I never thought I would have issues like this with an English man! These problems only seemed possible from the culture I come from. Really makes me think of how progressive my father and mother are. They were forward thinking in a backward culture. Hmm, lots to think about. Thank you everyone!
If a friend made that comment to me, I would assume she and her husband were at it like rabbits! Either way, he was definitely telling her to back off in the nicest possible way.
I am if you are at it like rabbits. The only thing keeping us that busy at the moment are the 2 small dcs!
well I don't think he meant anything by his comment
but he does sound like a boring old sod
Oh for goodness.. It is not for him to say he doesn't want a nanny ! Everyone around you has nannies . I bet there are wonderful nannies out there .
You will feel much happier with a job and independence that is clear. Do it. If he doesn't want a nanny he can stay home.
"I can not work as I would have to leave the baby with a nanny and DH does not want a nanny to look after the children."
TAKE THE JOB
He is not you boss, he doesn't get to stop you working.
If he doesn't want professional childcare for his children, he can quit his job and look after them himself.
Seriously - start living your life.
In pajamas all weekend still allows us to play in the big garden outside our house with lots of things set up for them, the toddler has swimming classes (pool at home), the baby is just happy being where I am, pjs or not!
Thank you everyone for posting. Very much appreciated. I have said sorry to DH re: over reacting. He also said sorry for saying something that hurt me. Small peck on the lips (doesn't happen often but that is for another thread!)
Now to tackle the bigger issues. To be honest, I have got a lot more assertive in the last 8 years than I have ever been before. But I need to be a bit more assertive, a bit more thick skinned.
Ok, tummy, how about you go and talk to your contact about the job, check out your childcare options and then have the talk? I guess it might feel a bit wrong way around - but, well, he seems quite set in his ways. If there's going to be a row about you working anyway, you may as well have the job already sewn up. Then you've got something to fight for ...
I can't believe you stay in your pyjamas all weekend. What about your poor children? That is not a healthy way for them to spend the weekend. It is a sign that all is not well in your marriage if family life is like this. I agree with most other posters though that there is nothing wrong with your husband's comment.
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