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Follow up to the wedding ring incident... Mind Games

7 replies

Oddsox2 · 11/02/2013 12:22

Thought I'd update on "Ring Gate" - for those of you that kindly took the time to help calm me down and offer great advice after my H took my engagement, wedding and eternity rings from my jewelry box and paperwork from my handbag. Original thread link below...
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1677419-F-G-B-D

So I decided to wait until I had finished removing everything that I felt was important from the house to a safe location, before I confronted him about it. I also decided that I would ask him by text if he had seen my rings as I figured I could use it as "evidence" - (feel ridiculous even saying that).

Anyway, as predicted he couldn't resist in letting me know he'd taken them and I could tear the house apart but I'd never find them.

The texts that went back and forth got very heated (on his part) and I remained very calm and factual on mine, bearing in mind if I'm keeping his texts surely he will do the same if he feels he needs to.

So - during a text conversation which lasted the whole of the afternoon I literally saw 3 different personalities to my H - changing tact each time...

When I first asked him about the rings, he said that he'd taken them and he didn't understand why I would want them anyway, and that I didn't buy them. Granted I didn't buy them but as I said to him, they were a gift and weren't his to take, I wanted to keep them for our DS. He said that he would keep them in a safe place and give them to DS when he felt the time was right and that I wasn't going to get them back. I told him I'd taken legal advice and I was within my rights to call the police and report them as stolen.

That's when he blew up - Personality 1: "I knew you'd sneak behind my back and get advice on how best to screw me over, you're nothing but a parasite (add a lot of swear words in there too) and I should've left you in the gutter where I found you 11 years ago...

I replied calmly that I never said I was going to screw him over and if I'm a parasite does that make him an emotional abusive wife beater? Which led to change of personality number 2:

"You do what you like, take me for every penny but just have a good think before you destroy our precious little boys world because he won't thank you for it, no matter how nice you make his life, trust me he will always hold it against you, and if you weren't so selfish you'd stay as we are like I'm prepared to do and put your happiness to one side for the sake of our DS until he is 16 and then we can go our separate ways".

To which I calmly replied that I felt it was an unhealthy environment for our DS now, and he's only 5, when he's older he's going to be far more aware of the situaiton and even more screwed up by it - plus he will have to carry the guilt around of thinking that he was the reason we stayed together in an unhappy marriage.

Personality number 3: "You have always been the most important person in my life, I've never stopped loving you, I'd do anything to keep my little family, it's all I've ever wanted and if you'd have put half as much effort into us as you did with your family when your parents died, we wouldn't be in this situation now, I know I've handled it badly but it's not all my fault"

He then asked if we could "talk" but hasn't actually been home early enough since this conversation took place, to "talk". I feel that he is buying time. But I also feel guilty about what he said about me being selfish for not being prepared to live like this for our son. And then for a tiny minute I started to believe that I am important to him, he does love me.... until my best friends shook that notion out of me.

You don't hurt someone you love, physically or emotionally.

I feel absolutely drained and exhausted after these past few days... haven't really got anywhere re: the rings. He wants to talk, and I need to tell him again that I don't love him, he's absolutely killed it, and that I'm not prepared to live like this - if he thinks that's selfish so be it but I can't do it - it's killing me.

Thanks for listening

XXX

OP posts:

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DharmaBumpkin · 11/02/2013 12:31

Give him a deadline to return the rings. Make it clear that if he doesn't, you will report to the Police.

Then do it if he doesn't return the rings.

He sounds like an abusive bully, don't let him bully you.

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NettleTea · 11/02/2013 12:38

yup, straight as that. You dont want to continue with the relationship. you want to spli up as amicably as possible for the sake of the DS, and you want your property returned by a set date or you will be reporting them stolen to the police, and have his texts as evidence that he has taken them.

He is going through all the different personalities to try to find the one which will make you stay where you are, but he cannot stop you. No one has the right to force someone to stay in a reationship they dont want, and you have the freedom to choose who you are in a relationshoip with, or not, at any time.

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Dryjuice25 · 11/02/2013 12:39

" But I also feel guilty about what he said about me being selfish and not prepared to live like this for our son.....and then for a tiny minute I started to believe that I am important to him, he does love me..."

I am afraid he is just gaslighting you. He is selfish, a wife-beater who stole from you, abused you "physically and emotionally". If this is the way he treats those he loves, then I shudder to think how he treats those he hates!
Stick to your guns and get rid of. Period.

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Lovingfreedom · 11/02/2013 12:41

Well done for standing up to this bully and for not falling for his bullshit. Good luck with next steps.

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Dryjuice25 · 11/02/2013 12:42

FWIW, why don't you just let the rings go. They have lost their sentimental meaning/value and they will always bring even worse memories now. To me they represent abusive love!

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Lueji · 11/02/2013 13:09

Read carefully personality number 3.
He's not really saying he loves you.
He's blaming you for ruining your marriage and accusing you of not putting enough effort into "us" (i.e. him) as in your family when your parents died!!! FGS!

And in calling you selfish he's recognising that you are not happy.
No, you are not selfish at all. He is.

As suggested, give him a deadline and then call the police.
Avoid "talks". They are too draining and you end up having to explain yourself to him. He won't really care. He only wants you back, at his disposal.

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Oddsox2 · 11/02/2013 13:15

Thank you. I can see clearly now that he was not telling me he loves me - thank you for opening my eyes. It's unbelievable that I've allowed him to control me for so long. I feel like someone has given me a pair of glasses that have allowed me to see for the first time in a long time. Yes he absolutely blames me for making him 2nd, 3rd and even 4th (his words) on my list when each of my parents died, and in doing that it helps him to justify the anger, the phyisical and emotional abuse I've endured from him. I know in his head he feels he is the victim.