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I want to call OW - please talk to me about why I should or shouldn't

(77 Posts)
AloneSoon Mon 11-Feb-13 11:49:49

H had a long affair which I found out about a few weeks ago.

I have the OW mobile number and I want to call her and ask if it really started when he says it did (was it going on longer)? Did she really think it was all over between me and him? What lies did he spin her?

I know deep down that I will not achieve anything constructive. But by god I want to do it.

AloneSoon Mon 11-Feb-13 12:40:29

I do feel a bit like I am obliged to try. We have young DC and have been together since we were young.

Just had a call from the Relate counsellor we saw last year (called them last week to see if she had any spaces free). We only spoke briefly and she said 'you don't have to decide what you want to do for the rest of your life right now. It is perfectly ok to make a decision that works for you for you short term and change your mind a few months later'.

Perhaps that's what I need. To really take my time working out if I can get over the deceit and not stress a out making a decision to make a go of it, forever, right now.

AloneSoon Mon 11-Feb-13 12:42:52

Arghh, my typing has gone to pot as I'm getting upset.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 11-Feb-13 12:47:45

If you feel obliged to try then the temptation is to take out your frustration on others rather than the person who has betrayed your trust. If you desperately want things to be OK then you'll be trying to find reasons to blame others. You'd rather believe his head was turned by some merciless nutcase of a female than believe he embraced this situation voluntarily or willingly.

I think it's too soon to decide to make a go of things quite honestly.

AnyFucker Mon 11-Feb-13 12:52:18

Has he pushed you for a decision either way ?

because if he has, it smacks of him wanting all this brushed under the carpet.

Which does not bode well for the chances of a repeat performance, I am afraid

badtasteflump Mon 11-Feb-13 12:52:31

AloneSoon really sorry you're going through this. I just wanted to add my voice to the 'don't call her' camp...

A close friend of mine went through something similar a few years ago. She phoned the OW and it did nothing other than make my friend even more upset and confused than she already was. Don't engage with her in any shape or form. Concentrate on looking after yourself and don't waste precious energy on her smile

AloneSoon Mon 11-Feb-13 13:11:17

He has said he really wants to make it work and is certainly acting that way. He's not pushing but kind of assuming that I will work through this with him.

That could be because I've already said I would give it a go. I should have said that I am not ready to make that decision - thinking about it, I really am not.

I need to take my time and talk to someone in RL, don't I? I need to stop deflecting my anger into finding things out about the affair and all the details and stop spending any time or headspace in thinking about the OW.

It's so bloody difficult in this online world. I can go on Twitter and see what she's thinking. So hard to resist.

FiercePanda Mon 11-Feb-13 13:23:36

If he's really serious about trying to amend for his massive betrayal, he'll be willing to do anything that helps you. If you think him leaving the family home for a time while you get some headspace, he'll agree. If you insist on no contact with OW, he'll agree (it's good to see he's showing you all texts and not responding, but has he told OW he's focusing on repairing his marriage and she is not to contact him again? If not, perhaps he should?), if you insist on counselling, he'll agree. He needs to be absolutely willing to dance to your tune, for want of a better phrase. If you need space to decide what you want, he should be understanding and give you that space.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 11-Feb-13 13:28:01

He may be acting a particular way but if your first instinct is to check his story with the OW you clearly don't trust or believe what he's telling you. That's pretty fundamental stuff and, ultimately, that's the part of the relationship that may never get fixed.

Viviennemary Mon 11-Feb-13 13:32:49

I can see why you are tempted. But if she is the kind of person to date a married man she's hardly likely to be an honest and truthful person. So there is no guarantee that she would tell you the truth anyway. So I don't think there is much point. But if you feel you must then go ahead but take anything she says with a large bucket pinch of salt.

piratecat Mon 11-Feb-13 13:33:01

you might find out alot of things you didn't know about their affair. He probably lied to her as well, so you'd have to be prepared for her truth, if she was honest that is.

Very difficult, as you don't know how transparent he is being to save your feelings.

piratecat Mon 11-Feb-13 13:35:20

She might not be some hell bent revenge banshee, she may well have info you need to digest op. I would want to know/try.

Viviennemary Mon 11-Feb-13 13:40:08

If I had the courage, and I probably wouldn't have, I'd go to her house face to face. But I expect people don't think that is a good idea. But that is what I would feel like doing in your situation but whether I would do it or not is another matter.

AnyFucker Mon 11-Feb-13 13:42:17

You can change your mind any time you like, and he will have to swallow it, poor diddums

You were mistaken to give him his "I forgive you and want to move on" get out cluase so soon

Tell him you have further examined your conscience (the one that should be protecting you not him) and you have been hasty. You now feel you simply do not know if you can get past this. It's the truth, and you should both be tellign each other the truth

Could you clarify how much and in what form the continued contact consists of that he has with OW. You seem to be glossing over that.

AloneSoon Mon 11-Feb-13 13:46:42

When I started this thread, I thought I needed to know every last excruciating detail about the affair, and to have all the information that H has told me corroborated by the OW.

Having read the various advice (and thank you again), that's not actually what I want. It's enough knowing that I was betrayed and my trust broken. I won't go into details but H has told me all sorts of things already - what they got up to, what lies he was telling me etc. This is because I was asking him when I found out and told him that he had to be open and answer any and all questions if he wanted me to consider staying with him. He did.

I'm going to stop looking at Twitter, Facebook etc. I'm not going to call her. I'm not going to give OW any more headspace. I've booked a counselling session and will use my energy in working out what I want, and taking however long I need to take, to decide.

I won't have a chance to come back for a while - so thanks everyone again.

AnyFucker Mon 11-Feb-13 13:49:26

I am glad this thread has helped you

AnitaManeater Mon 11-Feb-13 13:49:39

I did contact the OW, just a non sweary text to say thanks for meddling in mine and the kids lives, within about 20 mins of discovering the affair. In hindsight I would not have given her the pleasure. She didn't reply and I felt angry with myself for letting her know I was hurt.

About a week later she messaged me some deluded nonsense on facebook, having used my mobile number to find my profile. I'm afraid complicit OW are just as untrustworthy as the cheating husband - I don't recommend engaging with them as they will try and drag you down to their level. You are better than this.

AloneSoon Mon 11-Feb-13 13:49:45

Continued contact- there is none now. Last week she sent him a few texts (he didn't respond). She emailed him asking for help with some work. He did email her back on that and showed me. He said he wouldn't be able to help anymore. She hasn't contacted him since - he shows me his phone and leaves it lying around where I can see it. He used to lock it and hide it away when the affair was going on.

AnyFucker Mon 11-Feb-13 13:52:04

Ok, fair enough. I just got a little alarm bell going off when your first thought about what might happen if you contacted her is that she would share it with your H. She should have no way of doing that.

AloneSoon Mon 11-Feb-13 13:53:35

AnyFucker - can I also say thank you to you. You won't remember but I posted on here a few months ago (different name) asking for advice because things didn't feel right. You said there might be more to it, and that stuck with me and helped me trust my 'intuition'.... Which led to me finding out about the affair.

And now I know that there is always a script when it comes to affairs!

AnyFucker Mon 11-Feb-13 13:57:54

Ah, that gut feeling rarely does you wrong

Trust it now

Good luck x

Xales Mon 11-Feb-13 17:20:35

Going to ask what was a long affair? You only found out a few weeks ago yet you were going to relate last year.

Was he having the affair then?

If so, personally I can't see how you can move on from this as he was lying to you, lying to the relate people and not at all invested in trying to repair your marriage while he actually knew what a massive part of the problems were.

I don't think I could ever forgive or forget someone treating me so shabbily.

I hope it works for you.

Good luck

duffybeatmetoit Mon 11-Feb-13 21:19:18

The OW ( and her best mate) left me various texts and voicemails detailing what he'd said and done. She forwarded nude pics of him that he'd sent to her, and when I didn't respond threatened to post copies of them around the neighbourhood. I did text back and told her what I thought of her for knowingly getting involved with a married man with a young child. The messages did peter out after that.

But - everything she told me turned out to be true. XH strongly denied it all initially but eventually it was all confirmed. I still don't get why she wanted to be with a man who said he was only with me for my money.

So the OW may tell you the truth but do you really want to hear it? The truth tormented me for ages although it eventually helped me to write off the marriage.

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 12-Feb-13 07:47:41

I really wouldn't go to relate at this stage. You need time and space to process your thoughts and feelings - this would mean asking him to leave for a little while.

Go to relate in a few months time if you have decided to take him back - make sure you choose the right person as a lot of them have not been trained in the field of infidelity.

Get Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends for you BOTH to read now.

Get real life support and be kind to yourself x

ivykaty44 Tue 12-Feb-13 16:16:26

Thing is alone you are feeling that you should be honest and once you have made a choice that you need to stick to it- you don't you can change your mind anytime you like

you can sit back atm and let him continue to think wholeheartedly that you want to make a go of things - whilst in the mean time you have some time to really think about you and what you want.

play your cards close to your chest

go and get some relationship help on your own.... just you

you need to think about what is best for you, not him or your offspring - you.

no need to rush a choice - take as long as you want

stop feeling guilty and be kind to yourself

dontsqueezetheteabag Tue 12-Feb-13 16:20:39

My advice to you is DO IT.... My mother had an affair and I called her new partner and asked him some questions. He didn't really give me any answers and he patronised me in a way I will never forget BUT..... It made me feel better and I was glad I was able to shock him by doing it. I called him at his work!!

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