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ex DH annoying emails: humour and coping responses to stop me getting irritated please

(140 Posts)
Downunderdolly Mon 11-Feb-13 03:07:57


I've posted a bit over the last few years post my marriage break-up with ex-DH (he left for OW when son was 2, I was in middle of IVF, had moved to his home-country 2 years earlier and unable to go back to the UK to resume old life, career, family, friends etc - so been tough).

Two years of low level acrinomy later (lots of lies deception re OW, spiteful behaviour etc) OW and her son have moved in with ex-DH (from another city) and they are now a family unit which my son joins every other w/end. I am not 'allowed' to meet OW ("I can't see a reason to put her through that") and my son's life there is fairly separate but I think he likes OW and her child and 'happy' that he does not have to travel 10 hours round trip in a car to her city which is what my ex was doing with him last year.

Ex is being a dick generally (currently prob having to go to court to sort out legal error in our financial agreement which sees him paying around 40% less than anticipated + some issues about him letting me travel to UK for holidays all of which are being sorted by lawyers) and we have limited communication - which at his request is always via email - but we do have some logistics to attend to which require some exchanges.

My current irritation - and I can see it is almost funny - but it is having the no doubt desired effect of annoying me - is that since OW and her son moved in 2 months ago) it is almost laughable at the amount of times ex-DH can cram into an email about logisics 'my family' or 'DS's family' as if I don't exist at all in relation to DS and the 80% of time DS spends with me is just ancillary. I know that he is doing this to be 'hurtful' and to 'get' to me as we lost a couple of babies late on when we were married and were in the middle of IVF and that my hopes for a 'big' family are now just me and DS with all other family and close friends in UK. For example today's missive about swimming lessons is

"arrange a weekday lesson which doesn't impact on DS time with me and his family as he really looks forward to getting home to his family on Fridays"

followed by "DS will be attending <sporting event> with his brother and his family at ...."

ex claims DS has called OW child 'brother' from their first meeting (unprompted for sure ; ) and whilst it was hard I'm OK with that. But for example the other day I got an email that mentioned 'DS's family', 'his family (in relation to DS) and 'our family' and 'his brother' in relation to DS/OW/OWS son EIGHT times - again about a brief logistical matter and in relation to a question about limiting DS time on a certain game the 'In his <DS's> family we....."

so lovely Mumsnetters. Of course I know I need to ignore. Of course I need to think childish twat rubbing my nose in it not going to give it headspace but everytime they land I want to throw something at my computer screen and say FUCK OFF.

Ideas, humorous or otherwise, on how I can not let this 'get' to me and not give it mental headspace. BTW know this is not huge problem in the whole scheme of things but trying not to bore RL people this year about ex so using here as a forum.

This sounds a bit 'petty' written down which is why not referencing in RL but it does hurt so looking for ways to deflect....

NicknameTaken Tue 12-Feb-13 10:52:02

Absolute consensus on that point!

pictish Tue 12-Feb-13 11:02:08

And to clarify, this is the sort of thing that would aggravate me beyond belief!!

akaemmafrost Tue 12-Feb-13 11:36:31

I'd send that email too scarlet.

What an ARSE this man is angry!

Spero Tue 12-Feb-13 11:39:14

I spent four years sending emails like Scarlets and it never got me anywhere - the momentary thrill of telling it like it is soon wore off and it never ever brought about any recognition or change in the ex.

So I try to remember the Buddhist saying - being angry with someone is like holding onto a hot coal, waiting to throw it. The only person it burns is you.

I think you should point out if you are disappointed with something and ask if he could reconsider for benefit of our son but I wouldn't go any further - my ex liked to show my more vitriolic emails to others as proof of how unhinged and unreasonable i was. Of course, he would never share the backstory or explain what he had done/failed to do that made me so angry.

Lovingfreedom Tue 12-Feb-13 12:19:37

I agree with Spero. These emails can be cathartic to write for your own benefit but don't send them. Stick to practical matters - there's no point trying to teach your ex to change his manners, attitude, language etc. It's a waste of time and it's falling into his trap - he wants to upset you and wind you up. Saying 'how dare you call your new set up a family..blah blah blah' is saying 'I still care about you and you can still hurt me'. Presumably that is not the message you want to put across.

slug Tue 12-Feb-13 12:36:13

Be perfectly polite in all correspondence. Just always refer to the OW as his current girlfriend in everything.

Passive Aggressive me? hmm

From the sounds of it, the ow did you a favour, he sounds like a vile specimen of a man!

Wewereherefirst Tue 12-Feb-13 14:07:26

He's scum of the highest order. Not much of a family when he won't let your DS do his chosen sport, that will not look good in front of a judge.

Swear at the screen and don't rise to him. I'm sorry that your DSs father is being horrid to your son. The bastard.

FashionFail Tue 12-Feb-13 14:22:25

'your current family'

'your second family'

'your present family'

'your blended family'

'your complex family'

'your family at the moment'

MagicHouse Tue 12-Feb-13 17:24:44

Irritating git! Totally agree with all the posters who say that underneath he isn't happy. Otherwise he would have no reason to do this. My ex used to send loads of pompous emails. They stopped when I began to send polite unemotional replies. (Took a while).
I wouldn't send any aggressive replies (but you know that!)... I've been thinking about how to reply if you wanted to get your point across. The only thing I can think of is for you to seek advice from the health visitor/ GP about what he is doing (because it really isn't in the intereset of your son to harp on about his "family" which must be really confusing for him. You could then send some very polite email along the lines of...

Dear exh,

I have been talking to GP/ HV etc etc about ways to talk to our son about his family. As you can appreciate and no doubt agree with, it will be in his best interests to help him to understand that he now has two families that love and care for him. After a chat with..... GP/HV.... we talked about referring to both his families, in order to help him feel really secure. My GP/HV is really happy to support you with this if you would like some advice. Obviously a break up is difficult, especially for the children, and hopefully all we both want is for him to feel loved and cared for whichever part of his family he is with...

Regards Down UnderDolly,

Or something - needs fiddling about with....... great paper trail for you if that's what it's all about!

mathanxiety Tue 12-Feb-13 19:10:30

'I thought it would be a great way to be involved in his life but then I'm not a selfish prick...'

This is a man who expects others to be involved in his life. The thought of being involved in someone else's life is incomprehensible to him.

Downunderdolly Wed 13-Feb-13 09:35:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DharmaBumpkin Wed 13-Feb-13 09:50:50

Dolly have reported your post my dear as you left your son's name in...

FWIW, I was on your original thread, and I think you are handling your FW with much aplomb, as always. Agree with the others that sadly as much as it's tempting to respond in kind 'Bastard Bingo' is really the only way forward!

Downunderdolly Wed 13-Feb-13 09:52:31

ooh whoops! thank you Dharma.....

Downunderdolly Wed 13-Feb-13 09:53:54

(re-posted as left in son's name so getting deleted hopefully soon)

You ladies all rock. Thank you so much for your wise words. They have really helped and you know what when I just got the following missive in I genuinely laughed outloud. I wish I was making this shit up but proof positive of prickuss maximus. Essentially as we are in another country ex is obliged to pay for ds health insurance as part of our financial agreement. I am now off policy but asked for access to details/enquiries re DS on account...nothing for weeks and today I get:

<OW name> has arranged for you to have access for <DS's> account on our family cover.

Two hits from bingo ex in one swoop - OW (whom you are not allowed to meet) has arranged for you (ex) to have access to OUR family cover. Genuine roaring laughter when a 'yes, you now have access' would have sufficed.....

wish I was playing bingo for money....

Downunderdolly Wed 13-Feb-13 10:01:22

Obviously ONLY fantasy (and no response at all will be sent) but fantasy reply is:

"Gosh, do thank <OW> for sorting out and being responsible for your family health care. Here's hoping you are back on your financial feet soon so you can take responsibility for your son which I am sure is what you are aiming for"...


Am so glad you laughed Dolly and are able to turn this into an entertaining game of Fuckwit Bingo!

He really is pathetic.

Downunderdolly Wed 13-Feb-13 14:03:38

fark. fell off the wagon. send ill advised email saying:


Thanks so much to <OW name> for sorting. Hope you get back on your feet soon to resume responsibility for your son but in the meantime, great to know that someone is taking charge.

Best regards

not the best move.....

AKissIsNotAContract Wed 13-Feb-13 14:10:13

I beg to differ, I think that's a great email!

BeCool Wed 13-Feb-13 14:56:30

Dolly there must be some happiness if not total joy derived from the constant reminder that you are no longer married to this utter knobhead of a person!!!! What an total fucking prick he is!

Laugh at him!! He is deluded and a total *&£%£&^£ (&£*&%**^&"%£¬!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PurplePidjin Wed 13-Feb-13 16:05:58

Excellent email grin

And if he gets threatening, do him for harassment!

pictish Wed 13-Feb-13 16:40:44

Christ though...if that were my new partner and he was pulling this crap on his ex wife, I'd be thinking a) He's waaaay too intense...and b) he's a nasty bastard that is still hung up on is ex!

God only knows what she must be like, to go along with this campaign of his. She's either desperate, or being fed a load of old horse shit about the OP.

Any woman worth her salt would be giving it the major hmm don't you think?

Xales Wed 13-Feb-13 18:44:21

Next email you get don't read.

Cut & paste straight into a document and do a search/replace and replace 'our family' etc with 'I'm a wanker'.

Then read it...

or being fed a load of old horse shit about the OP.

He does seem quite keen for you and the OW not to meet. hmm

LtEveDallas Wed 13-Feb-13 18:54:12

I'm with you there Pictish. I cannot imagine why any woman would want to be with a man who didn't put his child first. When I met DH if I had had any inkling that he wasn't 100% committed to DSD I would have run a mile. Even though DH and ExW hate each other, their care for DSD never changed.

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