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Is it me?! Is there any hope?

(18 Posts)
Hopingforno2 Tue 12-Feb-13 11:50:50

Thanks ppl i will try telling him what i need him to, i get that he works long hours while im part time but looking after/entertaining my ds is actually not always easy and will i think be harder once lo comes along too.

I sometimes feel like a lone parent, the hours he does/is expected to do at work are insane but i i say that its like a red flag to a bull i.e what would i prefer him to do give up working and live on benefits. I get that he is career driven while im not but whether intentional or not i feel like i come 2nd to his job.

I think part of the problem is our families are sooo different i speak to my parents most days and see them as often as i can while he would happily go a week or more without speaking to his mum and his mum is the same as him so i know where he gets it from (can u tell i dont really like her) blame the way he has been brought up tbh

Tulahoob Tue 12-Feb-13 08:10:04

Not DS, DH, of course!

Tulahoob Tue 12-Feb-13 08:09:48

I don't think there's any need to ask him to help you, or to talk of being grateful. This will just re-inforce to him that domestic things are 'your' job.

I say things to my DS such as 'Right, we need to hoover upstairs and the bath needs a good clean. Which do you want to do, hoover or bath?'

Or if you're going out 'Ok so if you could put that stack of washing away and mop the kitchen floor whilst I'm out'

Don't 'ask' him and don't thank profusely or give him any reason to think it's a favour 'for you'. I just expect my DH to do things.

Lueji Tue 12-Feb-13 07:33:10

*it would help me if
I would be grateful if*
why "help me"? Housework is the responsibility of both.
One may do more than the other, but both are still responsible.

He does need to step up.
Maybe define tasks for each so that he knows what he is supposed to do?
Sometimes its easier to have a defined role than to see what needs to be done.
But he does seem very selfish. Is he helping in any way with the car, say driving the cousin's car or taking you in a taxi?

Numberlock Tue 12-Feb-13 07:22:27

So because he has a penis he can't see washing, hoovering, ironing, bins needing emptying etc etc? Hate that mars v Venus shite.

zcos Tue 12-Feb-13 07:12:58

men are from Mars sometimes you do need to ask and point out things why not have a proper sit down and discuss ... try using sentences like :-
it would help me if
I would be grateful if
and explain how you feel too maybe he has forgotten how hard on your pregnancy can be?

Hopingforno2 Tue 12-Feb-13 06:20:06

He said well i have to ask for it?! Is it not obvious? Should i need to ask why cant he just do some of the stuff like washing up hoovering when they obv need doing!

Just trying to get things back on a more even keel as much for my ds sake as anything else x

lovemenot Mon 11-Feb-13 23:20:24

But it's not about who earns more money, it's supposed to be about love and equality and respect.

If he is not pulling his weight, you have right to be annoyed about it. He messed up by getting the car impounded, so it's up to him to come up with a workable solution.

What did he say when you told him you needed more support?

Hopingforno2 Mon 11-Feb-13 22:02:51

Sorry been a hectic day, well sort of sorted in as much as i have said why i shouted and was so angry and said i need more support etc also the fine is on his c/card so will need to be paid out of money that may otherwise have been used on other things he wants.

Im not really in a position where i can do/say much more as he earns more and pays more of the bills than i can as i only work part time.

Tulahoob Mon 11-Feb-13 08:37:27

My DH is a bit like that; he'll make a mistake, dismiss it as 'one of those things' and then leave me to pick up the slack. Yet if I make a mistake he moans at me about it. About 2 years ago he got stopped for speeding, had to go to court and got a huge fine and expected me to go without personal spends for a month and for us to budget for a couple of months in order to meet the fine and I refused, saying he would have to use his own personal spends and go without for 2 or 3 months himself and that I was not going to go without to make up for his mistake. He was genuinely surprised and gobsmacked that I wouldn't pull together to help pay off the fine!

He has also done things before such as taking my keys to work with him by mistake when I had plans to go out that day so couldn't use my car. And again, he said that 'these things happen'. And he once left something valuable in his car overnight as he 'forgot' to take it out, and lo and behold his car was broken into. He then expected me to take the morning off work, clear up the mess from the broken glass, arrange to have the window repaired etc etc. I again refused and he was again surprised that I wouldn't. Even with things like work clothes, he'll start panicking on a Sunday night; 'Where are my work clothes?' and I calmly tell him every week that they are probably still on the bedroom floor where he's left them over the past week. Cue a mad rush to wash them, and he then expects me to wait up for the washer to finish so he can put them in the drier and always says he's 'tired' and wants to go to bed. I now refuse to do that too, and just say I am going to bed myself.

I think you are in the right in not wanting to do what your DH has requested. I would just tell him that no, you're not doing it. His mistake, he sorts it! Has he got any personal spends or savings he could pay the fine out of? I point blank refuse to go without to pay for any of DH's mistakes. Whether that's him losing or breaking something we need to replace, or losing pay to stay home to rectify one of his mistakes. I think that is the only way they will ever learn; if they are the ones that are inconvenienced rather than us. And if DH doesn't learn then I don't mind as much if I just refuse to take any responsibility and leave him to sort it for himself.

Hopingforno2 Mon 11-Feb-13 07:59:12

I wish i could, but as its 'our' car and i own it on paper i have to be the one to pick it up i believe and need a way to get to work after my appt( not much public transport goes there)

Just know im going to be made to feel like the bad one, since his mobile is in the impounded car if i need to contact him i will need to call his work. Im thinking my ds should stay at my parents until we have talked but this may not go down well with him either!

Numberlock Mon 11-Feb-13 07:23:01

Take a taxi to your hospital appointment and leave him to collect his car. Otherwise there are no consequences for his stupidity.

Hopingforno2 Mon 11-Feb-13 07:19:41

Thanks i have tried got a little sleep not much but better than nothing. Any advice on how to make him see he is in the wrong? I may have shocked him as im the one who in arguments usually backs down whether im right or wrong but i dont want to do that this time! I feel like i have to start being a stronger role model.

My parents from their point of view (they help me out alot with childcare and getting to work when he has car, coming to appts with me etc) think he is selfish and puts work before everything else which i guess is only backed up by whats happening today not sure i can disagree with them sad

Chottie Mon 11-Feb-13 04:42:54

Please take care of yourself and your little one on the way. I agree that it is unreasonable to expect you to drive to collect the car.

Things always seem worse at night, especially when you are awake and on your own. You can't do anything now, so make yourself a hot drink, make sure you are warm and cosy and snuggle down and try to get some rest.

Hopingforno2 Mon 11-Feb-13 03:13:04

Thanks, just feel like he doesnt care sad doubt he is losing any sleep! Just me

shadesofwhite Mon 11-Feb-13 00:44:23

Didn't want to read and run, I'm sorry you are going through all that while heavily pregnant. I do think he is being totally Unreasonable to expect you to drive all th way to get the car.

Plus from experience, if your DP doesn't pick up with supporting you a lot more with house chore now, he is unlikely to pick up when your second DC arrives.

As for 'any Hope', I'm not sure but I hope someone will come along with great advice. Here brew , hang in there, you'll be alright.

TrippleBerryFairy Mon 11-Feb-13 00:40:00

Is this a one off? Or is he generally of the opinion that somebody will sort his problems out? Did he not see double yellows?... (Does he know there will a lot for him to take charge of in the house of when the baby comes or he is expecting you to take care of everything?...)

He doesn't sound very nice thb, how about you feidn some illness (braxton hicks?...) so that he arrange someone else to take him there tomorrow?

Take care of yourself. Don't endanger yourself and your baby just because he was silly enough not to see double yellows (I find it hard to believe he didn't, he must be blind otherwise it reeks of carelessness?..)

Hopingforno2 Sun 10-Feb-13 23:53:17

Sorry if i ramble its been a long long day!!
Ok so my oh parked our car on double yellow lines while at work which has resulted in it being impounded!! This is likely to cost upwards of £180 at a time when we should be careful we have a ds 4.5 years and a baby due in april! My wages will be going down and his new job is likely to end up costing us in travel expenses anyway i digress.

I had a small amount of bleeding and was seen at maternity tonight by the time i seen him i was still angry about it, his attitude was well its happened now!! He should have been more careful! Laughing about it really pissed me off! To get the car back i need to be there having never driven to the location it is at and being 30 weeks pregnant he expected me to drive his sisters car in to get it while he was at work!!! I am due in hospital again at 10.30 tommorow for a scan on top of this! I admit i lost it then cried as i went to my parents for ds ( had also been working all day) told him its his fault he had to sort a less stressful way for me to get there! He has but only because we argued and decided to stay with ds at my parents house! He didnt let me know the new arrangments himself ( his mobile is in the car!) but went to his mums and got her to call me while he was there!! Havent heard a word from him since! It took my dad blowing his cool( he doesnt normally) to make him see asking me to drive to an area i dont know while heavily pregnant alone so he could be at work (he was meant to be off originally) wasnt right!


Also when we do eventually speak im pretty sure he is going to try n turn this to my fault and he does/tries this every time i object to anything re sharing household duties(i do pretty much them all) or if i voice an opnion on working hours( never leaves on time does extra hours shifts change alot at short notice etc) i feel i am being left with everything ( i work part time so i can care for ds and this baby when arrives) is there any hope? How can i make him see how hard it is?!

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