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So you suspected he was cheating, how did you confront it?(42 Posts)
First time poster on MN and medium-term lurker, posting here for some wisdom and advice. I?ve been married for seven years and we have three DC.
In last two months or so my DH has been surgically attached to his mobile to point where I have become suspicious, constantly texting, never leaves room without it, takes it to bathroom, to the kitchen if getting a drink, taking the rubbish out. My suspicions peaked last week; he received several text messages 1am/3am while we were in bed. He was in a deep sleep and did not hear message come through, I was awake and saw a message had come from a woman he had never mentioned. I was not able to read the message as his phone was locked so cannot say what message said. This morning, he left his phone unlocked and I saw a message from same woman saying ?wow, what a sexy picture you sent me?.
DH has many platonic female friends which he talks about all the time so please do not assume I am being jealous. He does not travel for work and is home on time most nights so not sure where he could fit time for a physical affair. So perhaps, he is having an emotional affair or a flirtation which will probably lead to full blown physical affair.
My health is not good, I am undergoing chemotherapy and my prognosis is very positive. DH has been very supportive throughout my treatment and I have tried to keep as much normality as possible for DC and him. I don?t feel very strong emotionally or physically right but need to ask the question. Of course, he will say it is entirely innocent, but my instincts tell me it is not. I am hugely upset but I am trying to keep calm. I need to gather evidence. His telephone has PIN and I don't know passwords to any email accounts. What should I do.
Ah dont know anything about bumping or bots or trolls ... ha really don't know what any of it means! But thanks for telling me (yes a lot of words, I guess wasted! But perhaps someone else will read : )
Wings, I think a troll or bot must have bumped this thread and such a long reply too.
Coffee - am so so sorry : ( What you must be going through with the physical and emotional challenge of treatment, and now this : ((
He sounds like a husband who you need and would not want to lose. Tbh he sounds like he's been a very good husband and father. I agree that as you say, this business now may well be his reaction to having to be the provider of calm and support and hope and tenderness at the moment. There are no doubt awful fears and feelings of impotence and such sadness for you, and he is vulnerable to the appeal of some outlet - some place where he almost isn't himself, where there is no illness or fear or suffering, where everything is about positivity and life. I'm sorry to say that to you, so sorry, as you are so the centre of everything difficult that is happening, and, for now, you have to fight - you can't get out, not yet. I'm sure that time will come. But as for him - he is probably in that kind of strange time of shock and grief when normal boundaries dissolve. It is a time when people can do things that seem extreme, reckless, out of character - it is some kind of defense mechanism, I have come to feel - a way of distracting themselves from an unthinkable reality, and a loss of normal inhibition. For a time, the world is a different place. When I was faced with my father's leg being amputed and later with him dying, it was a time of such emotional fearlessness for me - I did things I would never normally do. I had an affair with a much younger guy (I was single so I wasn't betraying anybody, but still - it was an extreme thing to do) - he approached me, and I at first refused, then went with it - and I have to say that it helped me immensely. It got me through. It reminded me of the strength of life.
But the point is: this is all temporary. After time, the high emotions and the sense of an oddly fluid world, without normal boundaries - it all subsides. The sense of emergency fades, and life settles back into being normal, where it's annoying if you run out of washing up liquid, or upsetting if someone nips in a parking space before you.
I think the texts are irrefutable proof of some kind of intense connection with another woman, of some kind. I think the best thing you can do is to accept that as true, and now work with it.
You could call your husband out - he will vehemently deny - there will be terrible upset - and your solid, good thing - your person who isn't ill, and who is your comfort, for you and the children - omg - then he will spiral away from you and even that source of life and and solidarity, that reminder of who you are in essence, will be gone, or could be.
OMG. I can't say how much I feel for you. And in normal circumstances, the line would be standard - yes, he's up to 'no good' - yes, he's 'a lying xxxx' - yes, he doesn't deserve you and should have his things thrown in bin bags and chucked out on the driveway.
But that's not your situation. That's not where you, and him, and your children are right now.
And if you weren't all facing this time of the challenging of your very lives (all of you, because a threat to your life is also a threat to theirs, as they know it) - if you weren't all facing this, and he wasn't having to be the 'ok' one, then ... would this have happened with him? Would he have done this? You and he would know better than anyone here, but I'd say there's a reasonable chance it wouldn't have.
I think whatever he is doing, there's a very strong chance it's linked with his reaction to the situation with you. And that doesn't help you, I know. But I also know that the discovery of an affair, and the subsequent stresses on your relationship, regardless of what the outcome is, are all so immensely, over-whelmingly, extraordinarily damaging and difficult. I would actually say that dealing with an affair is more difficult and more extreme and shocking, in some ways, than with someone dying. I thought my father's death was the worst and most challenging thing that I had ever gone through, or would ever. I was wrong. Because when he died, at least I still felt pretty much like me. But after the discovery of infidelity, your own sense of self comes so under attack, that you can wonder, bewildered, frightened, who you really are. Everything, all that you are, is attacked. And the person you thought you knew, and the past weeks or months where you thought you knew what had been happening - it's like a nightmare. Nothing is as you had thought.
You have more than enough to deal with at the moment. Way more than enough.
You don't need this awful shock and upset as well.
You must make yourself well. You must, with your husband, keep everything as calm and good and positive and unpanicked as you can for your children.
I don't know if you'll be able to hide it from your children and family if you ask him, and it comes out he has been having this dialogue with another woman. I would say most likely not.
So what to do? My thoughts are:
- He is engaged in some intense dialogue and/or physical encounter with someone else. Most likely as a reaction to the stress of what's happening with you at the moment. Which means that while it is monstrous in several ways for you, at least it may be as temporary as the temporary time of you being unwell.
- Pulling it all out in the open could be dangerous and even more damaging for you all right now. It could even result in you being on your own with your treatment, alone. OK, not with someone hiding something from you, but ... I'm not sure, at all, that the right thing would be to add all the misery of separation and being so alone with it all right now. Even with the practical things like looking after the children.
- Undoubtedly it would be much much better for the children right now if you and their father were just happy and everything as normal as it can be.
But where does that leave you? With unfinished business - unstarted business, really - with your husband. And lying at night not only feeling under physical attack, but also wanting to sob and rail against him for doing this.
I am so sorry. So sorry.
But you must see your way through it. I suspect he thinks this is something that is 'getting him through'. You know what I would do? I wouldn't directly challenge him - because then you give him nowhere to go with it. You know something is definitely going on. You don't need to ask him. So instead I would drop enough seemingly innocent hints, slightly ruffled, a bit uncertain, to make him hopefully worry that you are picking up on what's going on, and either stop it, or bury it somehow.
Eg, It was so weird the other night - I bloody got woken up by your phone! What idiot was texting you in the middle of the night? Etc.
Put the wind up him.
Because what do you want to happen right now? I personally want him to give you no sign whatsoever that he is anyone other than your loving, kind, understanding rock. I want him to look after you and the children and get you through this. And then, when you're out of danger, then ... I want him to get over this interlude and never look back and always be there for you. Or, if it has to all come out, I want it to come out at a point where you're stronger and can deal with it, one way or the other.
But not now. Not now : (
Oh you poor, poor darling. Your hair will of course come back, and be fluffy and new and better than before (people in E. Europe actually cut off all their hair from time to time, so it grows back better - not joking). You will come back. You will be OK. And then you'll be able to deal with the fallout from all of this.
For now, I honestly would say to turn a blind eye to it, and to take the strength and comfort you can from him, because he is offering it, so it seems. Take everything you can from him, and understand this is a time of different rules, and great extremes. A time of war.
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You are not in the shit Yorkie, but he is as no solicitor worth their salt would say such things. Are you sure he has actually seen one or has he just told you this? He is probably making it up, getting a same day appointment with a decent solicitor is almost impossible.
Get yourself the best solicitor you can find and get your own advice. If he wants to play silly buggers then make sure you have the better team.
well here I am again - up v late because I go extremely angry with him when he told me that his 'friend' cared more about him than I did - unfortunately I then lost it and hit him - he has been to see a solicitor today who has told him that if he was a woman I would be out of the house - apparently I have had no right to look at his mobile - invasion of privacy - and they have even told him what share of the house he has - his relationship with this woman apparently is innocent even though he has texted her day and night even when we were on holiday and told her loves her and adores her - its all innocent - but I am in the shit well and truly now
Yes it sounds like guilt, he knows what he is doing is really shitty and people are so going to judge him so he is probably trying to make himself look good. Or he may be thinking that you are suspicious and is now trying to cover his tracks...
I am pleased you confided in a close friend because the situation must be a real head fuck for you.
I've confided in close friend and she has advised me to gather some more information, particuarly on finances. She suggests that by confronting him, I am forcing his hand so I need to be a step ahead of him. I'm finding it difficult to keep quiet, I look at him, feel so upset and my respect for him is eroding. Kicking him out sounds very attractive but given my current health situation not sure if that is a practical and I can't even being to think of the impact on our 3 DC.
The strange thing is he could not be nicer to me, telling me how much he loves me (unprompted),doing things for me and a surprise gift. Maybe that's guilt in action. He has no previous form for affairs and is a 'decent/reliable' sort. He is aware I have been upset over last days but he thinks it's because of my treatment.
Yorkie, so sorry you are going through this. CAB should provide you with some advice. Good luck.
YW, go to CAB and see what govt help you may be entitled to
What's your subject YW? Any chance of some private tutoring?
Just retired - not married to the bloke - therefore not entitled I don't think - to his pension - I was a lecturer but didn't start teaching until I was in my 40's went to Uni as a mature student so no substantial pension built up - too busy paying out childminder/after school club fees - had baby in my final year at Uni (as sm)he has just graduated and has come home - no going back professionally for me - I am 64 - so totally out on a limb
YW - well done. You will probably find that you will be better off financially than feared e.g you are probably entitled to half of his pension. Get legal advice if you can - legal aid ends in March so all the more reason to get this looked into now.
OP - hope you are doing as well as can be expected. He is a real shit to put you through this.
OP I'm so so sorry you're going through chemotherapy as well as all this.
What sort of man is he? Do you think he'd had affairs before? Do you think it is that he's suffered a touch of mortality (albeit via you) and has panicked?
Is he fundamentally a decent man?
The text he received about the sexy photo sounded like it was from someone who didn't know him well, don't you think? Yet the two months of odd behaviour indicates something worse.
You HAVE to have it out with him. I'm so angry on your behalf. It's bad enough you are going through chemotherapy without that shit to cope with.
Could you manage if you kicked him out, hoping shock tactics would work? He would have to face up to friends and family, wouldn't he?
Whereabouts are you? Do you have good support?
YW, someone on here had some very good advice, which was that if you want to stay married, the best thing you can do is to kick him out immediately. The shock of being forced out often makes them think more seriously about their future.
About your job. What were you doing? Could you return to it in some way? How old are you now? Is your husband still working? If he agreed to you stopping work, surely he'd be responsible financially in some way?
So sorry, yw, but surely it's better to be poor financially than spiritually by sticking with an absolute cock like that
Yes, told him to fuck off - told him that if he isn't gone on Friday his things will be out on the pavement - and then - I will have to sell the house that I have put together - I will be extremely poor - very small pension and I mean that - and the future - shit either way
Yup, tell him to fuck off.
Love her like a daughter - oh yeah he must think you are stupid and desperate to want to stay and look after him
Yw, now what?
Tell the snivelling piece of shit to fuck off
It's the only appropriate response to that, imo
Coffee - I know just how you feel - I had a funny feeling something was going on with my partner and this morning he forgot to pick his mobile phone up and I checked his messages - and there were lots from a work colleague he has been helping with problems at work - they have told each other that they love each other - lots of lines of kisses - and I have confronted him today because he is off sick - we have been rowing all day - big rows - he has just been in to say to me that he thinks of her as his daughter - he does love her but 'only as you would love another human being' . I have taken to my bed at present - and I have just retired on a pittance what will 'retirement' mean to me - he has cried - and is busy working himself up into hysteria - being sick at the minute wants me to look after him - now what?!
A quick question does your husband have an iPhone? If he does he will have had to set his message setting to NOT show the body of the text on the front screen whilst its locked.
It will have been a conscious change on his part to keep the message private.
I am so sorry you are going through this.
What you describe is very similar to how I discovered my H affair/s.
I tried snooping and had some successes and some fails. I too could not access certain accounts online due to lack of passwords. I did have some success though.
If you wish to continue snooping then all I can suggest is what I did and where I looked and some of these did hold further evidence. Like you I could not fathom where in the day H could find the hours to see anyone else but my digging further it seemed he was not working quite as many hours as I thought and that it was not an affair he was having but sex with random women chatted up online. In other words he could have a quick shag in his lunch break or on the way home from work because there was no dating/chatting up in RL involved - all that had been done online so when he met up with these women it literally was for pre arranged sex - he could be in and out within an hour. Shocking yes and I am not saying this is what your DH is doing but explaining that "no spare time for an affair" like I initially thought can be something no too good.
I unconvered various bits of evidence by going through his stuff, car etc with a fine tooth comb. Some stuff I found on their own meant nothing but when eventually peiced together - added up. I search pockets, not just pockets of the clothes he wore that day or day to day but every single pocket of every item he had in the wardrobe. Inside an old suit pocket not worn for years I found a mobile phone charger (later found to be for his shag mobile - as I called it).
Other places were his car - Behind panels of the door, under the carpet - in the rear light cavity on the boot I found a stasch of condoms.
I started keeping a note of days and times. I checked the mileage on the car, bank statements and reciepts. A petrol receipt also confirmed something else I had found. Look for cash withdrawals - is he buying petrol at a different petrol station to usual, not quite on his way home etc etc.
I snooped over a period of weeks and at the end of it had alot of evidence but still huge gaps. I could not carry on snooping - I was making myself ill. So I do not recommend doing this long term - maybe you can gain something from my search tips if it helps, but with you feeling so stressed take care of yourself and know when to stop.
Other places I looked included the loo cystern, behind bath panels, his workbench area of the garage and event the attic.
I would think long and hard about how you will confront him. I personally don't think laying all your cards in the first instance is the way to go. You only have to read any "I think my DH is having an affair" thread on here to see that those that do come away with more questions and doubt than those that hold back.
In my case (and many others on mumsnet) he will usually deny initially then only admit to what he thinks you know. I call it "operation damage limitation" on behalf of the cheating husband. Confront with snippets but dont explain your sources, let him speak. Its hard and its hurtful. I probably still dont know ALL of my H infidelity and fact surrounding it. I discovered a fair bit myself and he told me more - by my careful questioning and forcing facts out of him by confronting with evidence. Few men lay their cards fully on the table. But I knew when enough was enough - the rest didnt matter (except my sad obsession to know) - the line had been crossed for our marriage and that was that.
My experience is based on the fact my H was cheatuing. Ofcourse - your may not be - although some of what you say needs explaining.
Hope I have not bored you - was trying to give you some support and tips.
Hugs OP - hope its not as bad as it seems right now.
Take his phone and ask for the pin if he refuses question him further then ask him out right what he is hiding... If he does give you his pin I would just say I had seen the text and want to know what the fucks going on if he won't tell you you will ring the number he recieved the text from and get answers?
Coffee, so sorry that you're going through all this worry, it's the last thing you need right now.
Is there perhaps a mutual friends number that you both have on your phones? If so you could say yours has run out of juice and ask him directly what his code is so you can get the number from his phone? My dh also has a code on his phone, but for security - not because he's hiding anything.
I do so hope your gut feeling is wrong this time x
Could you ask to use his phone to call your phone as you have "lost" it and watch when he enters his PIN number?
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