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So you suspected he was cheating, how did you confront it?

(38 Posts)
Coffeepotfortwo Sun 10-Feb-13 22:05:38

First time poster on MN and medium-term lurker, posting here for some wisdom and advice. I?ve been married for seven years and we have three DC.

In last two months or so my DH has been surgically attached to his mobile to point where I have become suspicious, constantly texting, never leaves room without it, takes it to bathroom, to the kitchen if getting a drink, taking the rubbish out. My suspicions peaked last week; he received several text messages 1am/3am while we were in bed. He was in a deep sleep and did not hear message come through, I was awake and saw a message had come from a woman he had never mentioned. I was not able to read the message as his phone was locked so cannot say what message said. This morning, he left his phone unlocked and I saw a message from same woman saying ?wow, what a sexy picture you sent me?.

DH has many platonic female friends which he talks about all the time so please do not assume I am being jealous. He does not travel for work and is home on time most nights so not sure where he could fit time for a physical affair. So perhaps, he is having an emotional affair or a flirtation which will probably lead to full blown physical affair.

My health is not good, I am undergoing chemotherapy and my prognosis is very positive. DH has been very supportive throughout my treatment and I have tried to keep as much normality as possible for DC and him. I don?t feel very strong emotionally or physically right but need to ask the question. Of course, he will say it is entirely innocent, but my instincts tell me it is not. I am hugely upset but I am trying to keep calm. I need to gather evidence. His telephone has PIN and I don't know passwords to any email accounts. What should I do.

Bogeyface Thu 14-Feb-13 01:00:18

You are not in the shit Yorkie, but he is as no solicitor worth their salt would say such things. Are you sure he has actually seen one or has he just told you this? He is probably making it up, getting a same day appointment with a decent solicitor is almost impossible.

Get yourself the best solicitor you can find and get your own advice. If he wants to play silly buggers then make sure you have the better team.

yorkshirewoman Thu 14-Feb-13 00:19:34

well here I am again - up v late because I go extremely angry with him when he told me that his 'friend' cared more about him than I did - unfortunately I then lost it and hit him - he has been to see a solicitor today who has told him that if he was a woman I would be out of the house - apparently I have had no right to look at his mobile - invasion of privacy - and they have even told him what share of the house he has - his relationship with this woman apparently is innocent even though he has texted her day and night even when we were on holiday and told her loves her and adores her - its all innocent - but I am in the shit well and truly now

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 12-Feb-13 18:24:41

Yes it sounds like guilt, he knows what he is doing is really shitty and people are so going to judge him so he is probably trying to make himself look good. Or he may be thinking that you are suspicious and is now trying to cover his tracks...

I am pleased you confided in a close friend because the situation must be a real head fuck for you.

Coffeepotfortwo Tue 12-Feb-13 16:02:31

I've confided in close friend and she has advised me to gather some more information, particuarly on finances. She suggests that by confronting him, I am forcing his hand so I need to be a step ahead of him. I'm finding it difficult to keep quiet, I look at him, feel so upset and my respect for him is eroding. Kicking him out sounds very attractive but given my current health situation not sure if that is a practical and I can't even being to think of the impact on our 3 DC.

The strange thing is he could not be nicer to me, telling me how much he loves me (unprompted),doing things for me and a surprise gift. Maybe that's guilt in action. He has no previous form for affairs and is a 'decent/reliable' sort. He is aware I have been upset over last days but he thinks it's because of my treatment.

Yorkie, so sorry you are going through this. CAB should provide you with some advice. Good luck.

AnyFucker Mon 11-Feb-13 21:43:10

YW, go to CAB and see what govt help you may be entitled to

Numberlock Mon 11-Feb-13 21:35:48

What's your subject YW? Any chance of some private tutoring?

yorkshirewoman Mon 11-Feb-13 21:33:53

Just retired - not married to the bloke - therefore not entitled I don't think - to his pension - I was a lecturer but didn't start teaching until I was in my 40's went to Uni as a mature student so no substantial pension built up - too busy paying out childminder/after school club fees - had baby in my final year at Uni (as sm)he has just graduated and has come home - no going back professionally for me - I am 64 - so totally out on a limb

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 11-Feb-13 20:26:14

YW - well done. You will probably find that you will be better off financially than feared e.g you are probably entitled to half of his pension. Get legal advice if you can - legal aid ends in March so all the more reason to get this looked into now.

OP - hope you are doing as well as can be expected. He is a real shit to put you through this.

ImperialBlether Mon 11-Feb-13 19:42:37

OP I'm so so sorry you're going through chemotherapy as well as all this.

What sort of man is he? Do you think he'd had affairs before? Do you think it is that he's suffered a touch of mortality (albeit via you) and has panicked?

Is he fundamentally a decent man?

The text he received about the sexy photo sounded like it was from someone who didn't know him well, don't you think? Yet the two months of odd behaviour indicates something worse.

You HAVE to have it out with him. I'm so angry on your behalf. It's bad enough you are going through chemotherapy without that shit to cope with.

Could you manage if you kicked him out, hoping shock tactics would work? He would have to face up to friends and family, wouldn't he?

Whereabouts are you? Do you have good support?

ImperialBlether Mon 11-Feb-13 19:37:13

YW, someone on here had some very good advice, which was that if you want to stay married, the best thing you can do is to kick him out immediately. The shock of being forced out often makes them think more seriously about their future.

About your job. What were you doing? Could you return to it in some way? How old are you now? Is your husband still working? If he agreed to you stopping work, surely he'd be responsible financially in some way?

AnyFucker Mon 11-Feb-13 19:36:15

So sorry, yw, but surely it's better to be poor financially than spiritually by sticking with an absolute cock like that

Locketjuice Mon 11-Feb-13 19:31:52

Yw- winewinewinewinewinewine sad

yorkshirewoman Mon 11-Feb-13 19:27:17

Yes, told him to fuck off - told him that if he isn't gone on Friday his things will be out on the pavement - and then - I will have to sell the house that I have put together - I will be extremely poor - very small pension and I mean that - and the future - shit either way

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 11-Feb-13 19:21:16

Yup, tell him to fuck off.

Love her like a daughter - oh yeah hmm he must think you are stupid and desperate to want to stay and look after him hmm

AnyFucker Mon 11-Feb-13 19:18:16

Yw, now what?

Tell the snivelling piece of shit to fuck off

It's the only appropriate response to that, imo

yorkshirewoman Mon 11-Feb-13 19:11:00

Coffee - I know just how you feel - I had a funny feeling something was going on with my partner and this morning he forgot to pick his mobile phone up and I checked his messages - and there were lots from a work colleague he has been helping with problems at work - they have told each other that they love each other - lots of lines of kisses - and I have confronted him today because he is off sick - we have been rowing all day - big rows - he has just been in to say to me that he thinks of her as his daughter - he does love her but 'only as you would love another human being' . I have taken to my bed at present - and I have just retired on a pittance what will 'retirement' mean to me - he has cried - and is busy working himself up into hysteria - being sick at the minute wants me to look after him - now what?!

Ahhhcrap Mon 11-Feb-13 14:37:11

A quick question does your husband have an iPhone? If he does he will have had to set his message setting to NOT show the body of the text on the front screen whilst its locked.

It will have been a conscious change on his part to keep the message private.

Snappedwife Mon 11-Feb-13 12:56:54

I am so sorry you are going through this.

What you describe is very similar to how I discovered my H affair/s.

I tried snooping and had some successes and some fails. I too could not access certain accounts online due to lack of passwords. I did have some success though.

If you wish to continue snooping then all I can suggest is what I did and where I looked and some of these did hold further evidence. Like you I could not fathom where in the day H could find the hours to see anyone else but my digging further it seemed he was not working quite as many hours as I thought and that it was not an affair he was having but sex with random women chatted up online. In other words he could have a quick shag in his lunch break or on the way home from work because there was no dating/chatting up in RL involved - all that had been done online so when he met up with these women it literally was for pre arranged sex - he could be in and out within an hour. Shocking yes and I am not saying this is what your DH is doing but explaining that "no spare time for an affair" like I initially thought can be something no too good.

I unconvered various bits of evidence by going through his stuff, car etc with a fine tooth comb. Some stuff I found on their own meant nothing but when eventually peiced together - added up. I search pockets, not just pockets of the clothes he wore that day or day to day but every single pocket of every item he had in the wardrobe. Inside an old suit pocket not worn for years I found a mobile phone charger (later found to be for his shag mobile - as I called it).

Other places were his car - Behind panels of the door, under the carpet - in the rear light cavity on the boot I found a stasch of condoms.

I started keeping a note of days and times. I checked the mileage on the car, bank statements and reciepts. A petrol receipt also confirmed something else I had found. Look for cash withdrawals - is he buying petrol at a different petrol station to usual, not quite on his way home etc etc.

I snooped over a period of weeks and at the end of it had alot of evidence but still huge gaps. I could not carry on snooping - I was making myself ill. So I do not recommend doing this long term - maybe you can gain something from my search tips if it helps, but with you feeling so stressed take care of yourself and know when to stop.

Other places I looked included the loo cystern, behind bath panels, his workbench area of the garage and event the attic.

I would think long and hard about how you will confront him. I personally don't think laying all your cards in the first instance is the way to go. You only have to read any "I think my DH is having an affair" thread on here to see that those that do come away with more questions and doubt than those that hold back.

In my case (and many others on mumsnet) he will usually deny initially then only admit to what he thinks you know. I call it "operation damage limitation" on behalf of the cheating husband. Confront with snippets but dont explain your sources, let him speak. Its hard and its hurtful. I probably still dont know ALL of my H infidelity and fact surrounding it. I discovered a fair bit myself and he told me more - by my careful questioning and forcing facts out of him by confronting with evidence. Few men lay their cards fully on the table. But I knew when enough was enough - the rest didnt matter (except my sad obsession to know) - the line had been crossed for our marriage and that was that.

My experience is based on the fact my H was cheatuing. Ofcourse - your may not be - although some of what you say needs explaining.

Hope I have not bored you - was trying to give you some support and tips.

Hugs OP - hope its not as bad as it seems right now.

Locketjuice Mon 11-Feb-13 12:51:26

Take his phone and ask for the pin if he refuses question him further then ask him out right what he is hiding... If he does give you his pin I would just say I had seen the text and want to know what the fucks going on if he won't tell you you will ring the number he recieved the text from and get answers?

monkeyisback Mon 11-Feb-13 12:50:09

Coffee, so sorry that you're going through all this worry, it's the last thing you need right now.

Is there perhaps a mutual friends number that you both have on your phones? If so you could say yours has run out of juice and ask him directly what his code is so you can get the number from his phone? My dh also has a code on his phone, but for security - not because he's hiding anything.

I do so hope your gut feeling is wrong this time x

almostanotherday Mon 11-Feb-13 12:38:03

Could you ask to use his phone to call your phone as you have "lost" it and watch when he enters his PIN number?

Numberlock Mon 11-Feb-13 12:18:20

I'm so sorry you're going through this, coffee, now of all times. But I was very pleased to read that your long-term prognosis is good.

The fact that he is doing this when you are ill should make you even angrier and more determined, in my opinion.

I would confront him very directly - eg "Who is she?" "I know all about your affair". Catch him offguard and don't give him chance to talk about work colleagues, "harmless flirting" etc etc.

rootypig Mon 11-Feb-13 12:16:29

OP I am sorry you're going through this. It sounds as though you've tried to support DH and DCs through your illness - what a bastard to repay you in this way.

I agree with aftereight, if the question is how to confront him, this is great advice - if you think he will deny everything, as you say he will, then you need to call his bluff. Don't make specific accusations that show the limits of what you know, and betray your uncertainty. Say, 'I know what's going on' with a very direct stare, and then say nothing more. If he tries to bluff, you need to hold firm: 'please don't keep lying to me', 'do you think I'm an idiot', 'our relationship is on hold until you tell me the truth' - until he cracks. Invoke DCs. Sounds terribly manipulative but you need to push him to the point where he confesses all. hold your nerve.

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 11-Feb-13 11:54:26

* I hate snooping and by doing so I the balance of trust between us has shifted.*

The balance of trust changed the moment you found his text - all his doing and you are entitled to snoop as a result of that text. That text can't be interpreted as innocent at all. He has already crossed a few lines to get to that stage and he made the choice at each and every step to cross the line.

I agree you can't leave things too long and what you have suggested is a good one - be prepared for him to get defensive and call you paranoid etc and act all wounded.

badinage Mon 11-Feb-13 11:52:06

Why does he lock his phone in the first place? And if he does, how come the password is secret to you, his wife? Is that a new thing or has he always been so anal about privacy, even from his own wife?

I too think that text seals it. I don't see why you'd have a problem telling him to stop texting another woman like that. He wouldn't be too impressed if you were doing the same and you'd think he was a right wuss if he didn't insist you stopped eh?

I can see the stuff about mortality reminders, but it is really disgusting to do this to your wife when she's at her lowest ebb, isn't it? I do think some bastards will do this to women when they know she can't up sticks easily e.g when she's pregnant or very ill.

Does he get phone bills that you can access?

I think it would be a good idea to get him to hand over the phone before he's had the chance to delete anything. But when he does, don't look at it in front of him. Take your time going through it. If photos were mentioned, he's probably saved them and chances are she's sent at least one back.

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