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Oh god... Slept with my BFF....

(126 Posts)
icemaidensu Sun 10-Feb-13 21:34:25

What was I thinking!!!.... Would it be considered ' cheating' on my partner?? It wont happen again...there have been a few jokey comments today so am not worried about losing our friendship... That said, its all feeling a bit freaky!!

KatieMiddleton Mon 11-Feb-13 00:11:32

A survey you say..? grin

TDada Mon 11-Feb-13 00:12:38

Multiple choice answers only, for clarity

BrittaPerry Mon 11-Feb-13 00:16:46

Er...there is a thread on the go where a woman found that her husband slept with a man.

It totally counts as cheating.

DeafLeopard Mon 11-Feb-13 09:24:34

icemaiden I think you got the responses that you did, because your OP appeared quite light heartedly laughing at your misdemeanor.

Someone who is genuinely horrified at having cheated on a life partner, and potentially damaged a long term friendship forever would have received a different response.

There didn't appear to be any agonising or guilt, it was more like a Katy Perry song.

FarBetterNow Mon 11-Feb-13 09:37:59

The thread were the husband had sex with another man was completely different.
The husband was on all sorts of hook up sites looking for sex, looking at gay porn sites. All a bit more planned and pre-meditated.

thecatneuterer Mon 11-Feb-13 15:11:18

Agree with FarBetternow. That thread was totally different and pointed to the husband actually being gay/very actively bi-sexual and actively seeking out partners.

lolaflores Mon 11-Feb-13 15:22:09

I think if she has posted here rather than had a word with her DH suggests she is well aware it is cheating but hoping someone might hand her a reasonable sounding pack of excuses to dress it up as otherwise. So, she may indeed try and sell it to him/her as a bit of input for the wank bank or the betrayal it is. She lucked out I guess

MooMooSkit Mon 11-Feb-13 15:33:18

I can't believe people are saying as it's another woman it's not cheating :S

I asked my DP and he agrees, he'd see it as I cheated on him and not gonna lie, we have indulged in 3 ways in the past (mainly him watching me with another woman) but if I went behind his back to do it WITHOUT him, yes, it's cheating.

TDada Mon 11-Feb-13 22:37:44

Would be cheating but I am guessing that I would be less jealous. Can't be sure until actually in the situation and depends on everything else happening in the relationship.

Fallenangle Mon 11-Feb-13 22:43:51

Consulted my DH. He says if I shagged a female friend one night then that would be cheating, but he would forgive me if he could join in a rematch! Men!

TDada Tue 12-Feb-13 20:08:35

Angle- I am afraid that I know many blokes like your hubbie

GregBishopsBottomBitch Tue 12-Feb-13 20:18:16

OP You dont appear to be that sorry about doing it.

revolvenotevolve Tue 12-Feb-13 20:31:19

I agree with thecatneauterer

jewelledsky Tue 12-Feb-13 20:50:00

What about your friend? How does she feel about it?
Sadly, you will probably find this has long-lasting damaging consequences for your friendship.
You've crossed a line.
And it's very hard to go back.

EchoBitch Tue 12-Feb-13 21:17:05

You shag someone else then it's cheating.

Unless you have an open relationship.

thecatneuterer Tue 12-Feb-13 21:57:43

EchoBitch - I really don't think it's that black and white. There are shades of grey in this. Basically if your partner considers it cheating then it is. If they wouldn't in fact be too concerned about it, then it isn't - well not in that absolute sense of the word.

I think that most people would agree that having an affair and sex, with someone else of the same sex as your partner, without your partner knowing, is cheating in the accepted sense of the word and most partners would be upset about it.

However there are many shades of grey (no reference to the dreadful book intended). For example if it's a purely emotional affair - no physical contact whatsoever. People's reaction to that can vary enormously. Some would consider it to be unforgiveable cheating. Others wouldn't.

What about if it's only occasional visits to a prostitute we're talking about. And that is to satisfy some desire that the partner is unable/unwilling to satisfy. If a partner were to find out about it they may well find it quite distasteful, but might understand the reasons and find themselves able to forgive it, and also not categorise it as cheating per se. Others would consider it cheating.

And if my male partner were to get drunk and end up having some sort of sexual contact with another man, perhaps because he'd always wondered what it was like, but he knew he was basically straight, and I found out about it, then I wouldn't consider it to be cheating. I might be upset that he hadn't told me about it because I would like to think I'm the sort of person he would feel able to tell that sort of thing to, but apart from that I really wouldn't mind. I would't feel jealous, as I wouldn't be worried if he is younger/prettier than me or whatever. I wouldn't have to ask 'what has he got that I haven't?' as I already know the answer, and I would understand that my partner would have no romantic interest in men, so our relationship wouldn't feel threatened. So for me it wouldn't be cheating.To some other people it would be.

And there are lots of men who would not be the least bit bothered about their wife or girlfriend having a one-off sexual contact with another woman, and there are some who would.

So you really can't say all these things are cheating. Only the individual partner in each particular situation can make that judgement in each particular case, depending on how they feel about it (or would feel about it if they find out). And the 'cheater' can also make an educated guess about how their partner would react, as presumably they know them very well. So if the OP doesn't sound guilt ridden enough for the liking of some of you, maybe it's because she is fairly sure that her husband/partner wouldn't react that badly.

Sorry for the long post.

EchoBitch Tue 12-Feb-13 22:07:12

If my partner were to go to a prostitute then i would be appalled and i would consider it a deal breaker.
And i don't believe that 'one off' sexual encounters are ever 'one off'.

Like you say,each to their own.

That is my own.

Maryz Tue 12-Feb-13 22:08:45

I think it is black and white.

If my dh went to a prostitute, had a "fling" with a man (out of drunkenness or curiosity), or had an emotional affair, I would consider them all cheating. And if I knew anyone else who did any of those things I would consider them cheating as well.

thecatneuterer Tue 12-Feb-13 22:08:59

Exactly, for you that would be cheating. But you can't say that for everyone that would be cheating. That is the only point I was try to make

EchoBitch Tue 12-Feb-13 22:10:18

The OP asked if it was cheating.

I think it is.

If you shag away from home then you are a cheater.

EchoBitch Tue 12-Feb-13 22:11:22

And i think it's black and white too.

noddyholder Tue 12-Feb-13 22:19:08

It is cheating but I have a feeling lots of men would forgive this scenario but not an indiscretion with a male friend.

AnyFucker Tue 12-Feb-13 22:30:15

If you do it behind your partner's back, then how can it be anything but cheating ? confused

Pancakeflipper Tue 12-Feb-13 22:33:03

If my DP slept with his BF, I would be heartbroken and classify it as cheating.

thecatneuterer Tue 12-Feb-13 22:41:46

AnyFucker - if you do something behind your partner's back which your partner wouldn't consider to be cheating if they found out, then it's not cheating. If my partner went out and ate a large big Mac and chips, and didn't tell me as he might be worried about my reaction as I don't like him to eat junk, and I later found out. Then yes, he would have kept something from me but, in my eyes, that wouldn't be cheating. If he had one off drunk sexual contact with another man, as in my post above, and didn't tell me, then yes, he would have kept something from me but, as in my eyes that thing he has kept from me isn't cheating, then to me it's not cheating. All I'm trying to point out is that just because you consider something to be cheating, it doesn't mean that everyone would.

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