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In asking for help in writing a letter to my dh re his attitude (may be long)

(188 Posts)
pingu2209 Sat 09-Feb-13 21:13:22

This sounds really pathetic but I would really appreciate some help in writing a letter to my dh re his attitude towards me and housework.

DH is really annoid at me about the state of the house and the amount of washing that has not been put away. However, he does't help me AT ALL in the house, he just moans and moans at what I haven't done. I can't speak to him about it as he is so angry and he goads me as I am talking to him. I want to write him a letter that he can read it again and my side of the story sinks in.

So many of you write excellent responses to posts on here, that I believe you could come with some great scentences and lines that I can use in my letter to DH.

My DH works full time in the City and commutes for 1 hour 20 mins each way. He has a stressful job and earns a good wage. I am a dinner lady working 5 days a week, 9 till 3 in the village we live in. I walk a mile each way every day, have little stress but it is an active job for 5 hours a day (plus my walk).

His salary pays for the mortgage, cars, utilities, food, clothes. My salary (£540/month) pays for the luxuries such as the children's after school and weekend activities, take aways, cinema trips, babysitters etc.

Before and after school I look after our 3 children, aged 5, 7 and 9. The 9 year old has SEN and has major temper tantrums regularly. Mon, Tues and Wed I have a full schedule of after school activities and either a Thurs or Fri we have a play date.

On a Saturday my dh takes DS2 to football for an hour in the morning, whilst I take DS1 and DD to swimming. Swimming is 1 1/2 hours (lesson followed by a swim club), DD doesn't swim so I have to keep her entertained for the 90 mins.

On a Sunday morning both boys play rugby for 2 hours. All of us go as DH feels it is 'family time' where 1 parent watches 1 boy and the other parent watches the other boy - and looks after DD.

After football and rugby I cook a meal for the 5 of us for lunch, do washing of clothes, shopping and tidy the kitchen. DH likes a roast on a Sunday too. I then look after DS2 and DD for the afternoon by taking them to the park, doing arts and crafts with them and doing their homework with them. Once that is done I start all over again on cooking dinner for the 5 of us.

DH is tired all the time and his way of relaxing is to sit in front of the TV. DS1 would easily sit with him and watch TV for hours on end. But DS2 and DD won't do that so whilst he is 'looking after DS1' I am trying to keep DS2 and DD entertained. But that is the 'harder' job. DH WONT not watch TV as he says it is his only time to relax after his extremely hard job.

DH does nothing. No washing, no cleaning, no cooking, no tidying of the kitchen, no shopping, no housework at all. He doesn't even put the bins out. He will eat a meal and leave all his dirty plates on the dining table and walks out of the room to the TV, expecting me to clear everything away.

All of this I do not mind, I would put up with all of it, have done for 16 years! What I can't stand is that DH gets into the greatest of bad moods because the house is messy with the biggest issue of all being that although there are clean clothes, they are not put away in the wardrobes and drawers. They are in a massive pile on the landing. We have to riffle through them each day to find what we need to wear.

I HATE putting the washing away. Every now and then I will sort it into 5 piles and each person has to put their own clothes away. The children hate doing it, but as I do everything else I really don't think it is too much to ask. However, DH COMPLAINS that he has to put his own clothes away too!!!!

I'm not saying I don't have time to rest and relax, I have about 1/2 hour in the mornings and about 90 mins on a Thurs and Fri evening. I spend my R&R drinking coffee and sitting in front of my computer on Facebook or Mumsnet! But I am allowed some time to myself surely.

DH is all pissy because he can't find the boys' rugby gear for tomorrow morning. Yes it is a nightmare going through Ben Nevis of clothes, but he does nothing so I don't think he has the right to complain.

Please help. Am I being unreasonable generally? Would you help with some lines that I can use in my letter?

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep Sat 09-Feb-13 22:23:29

Sorry, but the main thing I would write to your husband is, "Who the fuck do you think you are?"

When he's at home, all he does is sit on his arse in front of the telly and bitch about your housekeeping skills?
He just walks away from his dirty plates on the table?

I'm getting angry on your behalf, OP, are you not angry yourself that your husband basically sees you as a servant?

deleted203 Sat 09-Feb-13 22:23:30

I think sock and I may be sisters...

I'd simply say, 'I'm doing my best. If you don't like it, then either chip in and help or piss off'...

whois Sat 09-Feb-13 22:26:02

Ps I HATE putting washing away too... My own washing is still on the drying rack from last Sunday and I'm about to be forced to sort it as I've put this weeks washing on!

pingu2209 Sat 09-Feb-13 22:27:10

Whois - I do enjoy going to the rugby. The boys love rugby, I want to be part of their rugby, I want to support them in the things they enjoy doing... even if it means standing in the pouring rain for 2 hours in a muddy field! For me to not go to the children's activities and stay at home to do the cleaning feels 'demeaning' to me. I'm not sure why I feel that way, but I do.

HildaOgden Sat 09-Feb-13 22:28:57

If the cleaner is taking care of all the other household tasks,then it frees up a hell of a lot of time to put clothes into a wardrobe.

It sounds to me like you are both using this issue 'who puts the clothes away' as an excuse to row,when really the true problem lies elsewhere.If that's the case,and you make the letter all about clothes-sorting,then you will just sound irrational I think.

frustratedworkingmum Sat 09-Feb-13 22:33:27

OMFG! i cannot BELIEVE people are giving the OP advice about putting the fucking washing away when her DH does FUCK ALL in the house. Have i walked into a parallel 1950s universe?

Fuck the washing - Im the same, i LOATHE putting it away, i refuse to stand and iron too - life is TOO SHORT for that shit, if something is particularly creased then i iron it other than that, its not done - saying that DP is a builder so lives in jeans and t shirts so he doesn't need shirts ironed, but that would be the thing, if HE wants his shirts ironed, i would, SHOCK HORROR point him in the general direction of the iron and probably ask him to do mine while he was at it.

I was going to say show your DH this thread but i think there must be something in the water that has addled some of the other posters brains as they have completely misread the OP.

Hire a cleaner, he can pay half. That should help, you could ask her/him to put the washing away for you if its THAT important. If it doesn't bother you then he will have to suck it up, or maybe do it himself. You are a wife and mother, not a skivvy!

mrsstewpot Sat 09-Feb-13 22:37:20

Why the hell are folk giving out handy housework tips or suggesting hiring a cleaner or even suggesting OP gives up family time at the rugby so she can stay at home and do yet more housework?!!!

Am I missing something? OP's OH does nothing, sweet FA, to help around the house!

Agree with boulevard - are you not angry OP? You need to challenge his attitude.

CurlyhairedAssassin Sat 09-Feb-13 22:39:01

My first thought is: why are you working an extra hour for free each day at work? If you have to get there early, make yourself scarce so that you don't get roped into starting duties before your official clocking on time.. Read the paper, have a cup of tea etc. You don't sound like u get much time to yourself so make that half an hour for you. Or make them pay you for it and the extra money might pay towards a cleaner!!!

SamSmalaidh Sat 09-Feb-13 22:40:17

You need to work out how much down time he has vs. how much you have. It doesn't matter who earns more, or what proportion of your time is spent on paid work/childcare/housework, so long as you both have equal amounts of free time.

Expecting you to behave like a waitress in your own home is just disrespectful though.

whois Sat 09-Feb-13 22:41:48

Whois - I do enjoy going to the rugby. The boys love rugby, I want to be part of their rugby, I want to support them in the things they enjoy doing

Ok that's cool, wasn't sure from your OP if you agreed with the family time at rugby thing or if it was your husband. That's great you enjoy watching yor boys.

Are you doing your husbands shirts? If so stop that and point him in the direction of a shirt service, usually by commuter train stations and in the city. Husband hands over dirty shirts and cash on the way to work, collects clean and ironed shirts on his way home.

Bit still, biggest problem is the lack of respect and fair division of labour.

JackieTheFart Sat 09-Feb-13 22:43:30

Pingu - haven't read your whole thread but I totally get you about the washing. We always seem to have mounds and mounds of it, I hate putting it away as well. It's a never ending cycle.

Other than that, I can't really help. Both DH and I are lazy arses, but we both do bits and pieces. I work FT and he is a SAHD at the moment.

CurlyhairedAssassin Sat 09-Feb-13 22:48:04

Sorry, that didn't give advice about your dh. I do same hours as u in school but have time to do bits between morning drop off and starting work which helps. Dh also works long hours but if he IS around then either he cooks tea or he clears up if I've cooked. Most of the time I have to do both cos he is very late though. At weekends he will do a food shop. Cook. Hoover. Irons his own stuff. Help with 1 ds's homework while I do the other. Etc. I do have to ask him to sort clean washing and he will do it but wouldn't think of doing it himself. All the other jobs I do. He has never cleaned the bathroom or dusted or made the beds. His standards are generally lower than mine I think but he would NEVER leave his dirty dishes on the table for me to clear away like a skivvy. I would throttle him!!!

He does need to do more. Maybe you need to go away for a few days and let him experience how much you do.

HildaOgden Sat 09-Feb-13 22:48:07

I suggested a cleaner so that both of them could do away with housework.

To all of you calling him a lazy you commute for 3 hours a day,do a full days work and spend your weekends at your kids activities?Do you honestly feel like doing housework too???

I didn't suggest that OP do the housework,I suggested they spent some of their hard earned cash (of which their is plenty spare for luxuries) to free both of them from chores,or at least to ease the load.

I honestly believe that a family with busy jobs,busy family life,and jobs that provide extra cash are actually being quite petty moaning about housework when they could easily 'outsource' it if they wanted a simpler life.Not from a sexist view at all....I just firmly believe this is an easily solved problem.

BluelightsAndSirens Sat 09-Feb-13 22:49:00

I gave advice about the fucking washing because it is a hateful job and I get that so offered advice.

I read the op and thought fuck putting up with that lazy bastard but couldn't think of anything constructive to offer so struck to the washing help.

Even without a DH the op will still struggle with piles of washing if she doesn't sort out er, sorting it out.

This is AIBU not relationships so yes op yabu to feel the need to write to your husband to ask him to stop being a feckless lazy entitled twat within the home.

Oh and stop pilling washing on the landing - it's hostile.

And I don't iron anything for DH because we are adults and can both use the iron.

BluelightsAndSirens Sat 09-Feb-13 22:51:09

It is lazy to not help out in the family home.

Commute or budget meetings all day aside, it's a family environment and everyone should want to help keep it running.

pingu2209 Sat 09-Feb-13 22:55:01

Whois - you will probably not be surprised to know that, yes, I iron his shirts every day. I know he won't use the ironing service because he is really tight on money and won't spend the money on it. Or a cleaner!

I don't iron all his shirts straight from the dryer (well they are on the landing arn't they !!!). My DH has so many shirts that if I ironed them all they would only get creased in the wardrobe (landing floor). Also he likes to choose his shirt each evening for what he will wear the next day. So I iron him a shirt every evening. Sometimes he will forget to bring one downstairs until just before we go to bed, so he will go to bed and I stay up and iron it.

I need to list the jobs I do that I do that he can do instead. I will then say that I will ensure the washing doesn't build up from Ben Nevis into Mount Everest on the landing, AS LONG as he does the following jobs.

1. Ironing his shirt every evening - that he can do himself
2. Putting the bins out and the recycling so it doesn't build up in the kitchen
3. Clear up the dining table after a meal.
4. Put the washing up in the dishwasher at weekends and emptying it
5. Looking after DS2 and DD on Saturday afternoon, rather than putting the TV on - he will hate this one more than anything.

CurlyhairedAssassin Sat 09-Feb-13 22:57:09

A thought...... Yes, he works long hours and has a big commute but If he was single he would have to do a lot of the stuff for himself that you do now.Food shops don't do themselves. Nor ironing, dusting, cleaning the cooker. Hoovering. Cooking. Washing of clothes. Remind him of that fact. Either he starts helping out with some of that in your family home or tell him he can get his own place and do it ALL himself!!

nomorebuttons Sat 09-Feb-13 23:00:35

One thing that I found useful with my teenager when he behaved in a similar manner was giving him a choice. So, do you want to do job a) or job b)? Most of the time he'd actually agree to do either one or the other before he even realised that something had been asked of him.

SamSmalaidh Sat 09-Feb-13 23:02:15

He sounds horrendous! What kind of man expects his wife to stay up ironing his shirts shock

BluelightsAndSirens Sat 09-Feb-13 23:02:30

Do you have separate finances?

My DH has 6 shirts for the week and we buy new and Ebay the used ones every 6 months - I wash them and he irons them - he also irons all our Monday uniforms on a Sunday whilst I bathe the DC and sort their book bags out for the next day.

I cook, he cleans up afterwards.

Your DH needs a kick up the arse but I still maintain my first post about washing. smile

Yfronts Sat 09-Feb-13 23:02:41

List all the chores and get everyone to put their name to various chores each day. You and your DH are entitled to the same amount of time relaxing.

Agree that it's best to put the stuff in piles as it comes off the line/machine.

Invent some new rules for everyone - everyone to take their plate to sink/everyone to do chores etc. Sit down and discuss them and explain they apply to DH. Nominate him to cook the Sunday roast.

Stop picking things up after him. Leave his plate. Leave his dirty clothes on the floor.

BluelightsAndSirens Sat 09-Feb-13 23:05:14

Just picking up on point 5 - can you do something as a family?

Yfronts Sat 09-Feb-13 23:05:25

Agree get a cleaner too.

But can you go away for a few days to enable him to understand how much is involved in looking after the kids/house cleaning/cooking. I know he works long hours but so do you.

ledkr Sat 09-Feb-13 23:06:17

He sounds like a controlling sexist arse to me. I'd be doing fuck all for him to be honest. Who dies he think you are his wife or his fucking skivvy?
I can't believe people are giving op advice on putting the washing away why can't he put the washing away?
I probably do a bit more than dh Cos I'm part time but he appreciates how hard it is looking after the dds as he does it himself when I work.
If he comes in to a mess we tackle it together or he baths kids while I get on.
Yesterday the house was a shithole when he got in as dd1 was ill so I'd was looking after her and dd2 who is a menace.
He started helping tackle the kitchen as soon as he came home.
It's OUR house and OUR children so why wouldn't he?

Yfronts Sat 09-Feb-13 23:07:33

1. Ironing his shirt every evening - that he can do himself
2. Putting the bins out and the recycling so it doesn't build up in the kitchen
3. Clear up the dining table after a meal.
4. Put the washing up in the dishwasher at weekends and emptying it
5. Looking after DS2 and DD on Saturday afternoon, rather than putting the TV on - he will hate this one more than anything.

Agree with all this. He should also cook a main meal - a roast to give you a break from cooking.

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