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B&A finally gets her D-I-V-O-R-C-E

(21 Posts)
BeforeAndAfter Fri 08-Feb-13 19:23:34

My decree absolute came through a couple of days ago. I am now twice divorced. I'm not sure I can really see my marriages as complete failures - for the most part they were both bloody good, my husbands were delightful and then something changed - who knows what - and we stopped being a team. So I prefer to try and learn from both relationships and hopefully apply that, dare I say, "wisdom" to my next relationship(s).

I've seen my ex twice since having enough of his lies and walking out on 4 July 2011. The second time was two weeks ago when we had to sign some documents to close bank accounts and stuff. At that point he gave me my cash settlement on the grounds it didn't really matter if we waited for absolute as the consent order had been sealed by the court. I can't complain - he's been more than fair. My sol told me I wasn't actually entitled to his main pension as this had been accrued prior to our relationship starting but he gave me a generous pension transfer nonetheless.

And so for the bit that I hope will give hope to some of you who have followed my story and those who haven't. I am very very settled and happy today. There are no extremes of happiness or sadness like the early days of separation just a very solid knowledge that I enjoy life, I enjoy work and I enjoy a myriad of new experiences on a regular basis. Last year I saw Everest with my own eyes; I went para-gliding with The Himalaya behind me; I rode an elephant bareback and bathed it in the river - I did so many life-affirming things. Photos of me just radiate a joy and happiness now in a way they never did before.

I have so many glorious friends - truly loyal and good friends and I make friends so easily now, not that I didn't before, but I judge people less and I make sure I stay in contact now - I will spend the rest of days being a good friend because I know how much that matters.

I have dipped into attempted relationships with good men who, in the end, don't quite tick my box and that's fine. I'm not racked with mistrust because of my ex's betrayal, I haven't turned into some paranoid witch and that matters. Equally I'm not worried about not being in a partnership such that I cling on to an unsuitable chap. I've already agreed with a girlfriend that if we're still single at 60 then we'll buy a house, rent out a couple of rooms to other like-minded women and enjoy our conservatory, garden and drink G&Ts when we feel like it. We'll share the best that we have to offer and will be the life and soul of any road we live on and if we need a nurse to help us with bits and bobs then we'll pay for one between us. Sounds like a plan doesn't it?

To be honest the only downside I see of not having H is that I have to do absolutely everything and bear absolutely everything alone and sometimes it would be nice to share stuff - especially the humdrum - the admin around bills, booking holidays etc. That's the only negative but when I was married I sometimes felt I was bearing it all on my own anyway except then I would resent him for not "being there" so it's not that different in reality. That negative is more than outweighed by the fact that my time and money can be spent on what I choose, my holidays can be wherever I wish and I can go whenever I want to. I no longer miss out on going to a film or an exhibition because I was hoping the ex would come with me. I either go with a friend or I go on my own.

So to all of you who have read this and who have just found out that your soul mate has been mating with a soul other than you, take heart - the horror of discovery, the horror of betrayal and all of the mental torture and physical symptoms that go with it do pass. They are gradually replaced with a peace of mind and a joy that cannot be described. Someone described a photo of me as "radiant" the other day and that's how I feel - radiant. In my old life I would often sit at my kitchen table and stare wistfully down the garden wondering if there was a better life out there that was more fulfilling. I can honestly say, hand on heart, that I never wish myself out of the life I have now. I really don't. I am content, happy and so fulfilled and there is a very good man within touching distance but he is not the be all and end all of my happiness - I am.

Life after DH doesn't just get better - it gets really fucking amazing... yes, you have to drag yourself through the first bit but then you really do start to live it, for real, and it's amazing, just amazing. No bull.

So to Wisey, DrFayRay, Saff, Dozer and all of the other fabulous people on MN, I salute you and thank you and I will never ever forget how you got me through my bleakest moments. Thank you.

With love and joy

B&A xxx

GurlwiththeFrothyCurl Fri 08-Feb-13 19:43:00

I was a lurker on your thread. Just de lurking to say how amazing you sound. Everest, elephants - wow! I hope your life continues to give you opportunities like that. Best wishes for the future.

Joy5 Fri 08-Feb-13 19:48:05

Thanks for sharing, and showing it does get better.

I've been so down for so long, don't think i'll ever be ok until i have a permanent home again, which i can't see ever happening again at the moment.

But it does me good to hear other stories where its turned out ok in the end.

So thanks again. x

akaWisey Fri 08-Feb-13 22:31:13

Hey B&A great news!!!!!

You sound even more sorted than ever grin.

My absolute came through just before Christmas and I finally got the settlement from PTM.

So we survived and in no small measure to the wonderful posters here.

And thank you too, B&A. You helped me too. thanks

BeforeAndAfter Fri 08-Feb-13 23:18:14

Thank you FrothyCurl - life IS good!

Joy5 are you in the middle of your divorce at the moment? I found that the worst bit was being in limbo, not being in control of the timing and not feeling able to move forward while I waited for the ex to file his documents.

Wisey hello! Well it took long enough for us both - good to hear you settled with the purple trousered one - PTM - such a class name. I wonder if he still wears them?

Dozer Sat 09-Feb-13 00:01:18

wine thanks B&A!

And wisey too!

So glad things are going well for you, and that all the legalities and finances etc are sorted out. You sound great. Your update is inspiring.

BesameBesame Sat 09-Feb-13 14:59:32

B&A and Dozer too.

According to DD her DF is "very bitter" about everything. I also got half his pension and it was like squeezing the last drop of lemon juice out of a dried up old fruit which is long past its sell by date! grin

You'd think he would be happy as larry though. Shame.

50shadesofgreyhair Sat 09-Feb-13 17:35:00

Hi, Saffysmum here! lovely to read your update B&A, and so pleased that life is good. You sound so sorted. I'm sure a wonderful future awaits you. Thank you for all the support you gave me during that hard summer of 2011, and thanks to lovely Wisey, dozer and everyone else who made me laugh, cry, and most of all, made me feel stronger for knowing that other women were on the same path, but had humour, warmth and empathy.
Saffy x

JulietteMontague Sat 09-Feb-13 19:10:52

Congratulations to all of you Saffy, Wisey, Dr Fay, Dozer and B&A, I used to post on your threads and I've now nc. Who can forget the amazing DC you have, the importance of Loreal for Twunts and your individual triumphs over endless fuckwittery. I still can't look at a pair of purple trousers without a wry smile. You are all amazing women and I wish you every happiness.

BesameBesame Sat 09-Feb-13 23:18:43

(Wisey here) It's so encouraging to know that those of us who were going through so much at the same time have come through it all.

Saff I bloody LOVE your new nickname. It so fits your sense of humour.

Juliette I can only guess who you 'were' but thank you. I can't tell you what a sense of community I got from MN when I was in my darkest moments. Having said that, MN must be a source of comedy script-writing at its best because I have ROARED with laughter here.

Oh yes, MN. You've got the lot grin

Nevergrowingup Sat 09-Feb-13 23:27:47

Hi, fantastic to see everyone in a better place. I have had so much wine I can't even remember what I called myself then. blush Suffice to say, I am delighted that you are free from these useless men. By God, they really didn't work out that they had it all.

I'll raise another glass to your futures and wish you all health and happiness. You came through some of the worst shit men can throw at you, but you found your voice and have kicked them into touch. They never really knew what hit them... they have plenty of time to consider their stupidity now. xx

BesameBesame Sun 10-Feb-13 00:09:27

Never this could have the potential to be a reunion thread.

There's wine. There are memories. There are different names. There WILL be different hair do's. What else could we have apart from dodgy disco music and some virtual snogging of <insert name of current love interest/actor/bloke next door>?

<goes to find chuck- away camera>

50shadesofgreyhair Sun 10-Feb-13 06:51:04

Ah yes, Julliette: L'Oreal for twunts - because they're so not worth it.

My L'Oreal'd ex twunt has now moved in with Mrs Twunt, and still goes around like he's 18. He had to do this you understand, because nasty me and my SHL bled him dry, and as he tells everyone who'll listen, he "hasn't got a pot to piss in." Shame. He does still find money for designer clothes, lots of dinners out and trips away - four holidays abroad last year. And he goes to gigs. And nightclubs. A lot. Only one of our four kids sees him regularly; eldest and youngest sons not at all. Youngest son refuses to even talk to him on the phone. Mrs Twunt's kids don't like him, and only one will visit her if Twunt's there. What a sad, pathetic existence for a middle aged man. Mutual friends tell me he has a lot of regrets. If I'm around when he does pick up DD, I feel that he reminds me of someone I knew a long time ago, but that person no longer exists. In his place is a sad careworn lost soul. Sometimes I feel sorry for him. Always though, I feel incredibly relieved that I'm free of him, and do a little dance when he goes. Progress! x

BeforeAndAfter Sun 10-Feb-13 12:19:29

When I saw ex the other day I was struck by how unkind the past 18 months have been to him. I'm told I look 10 years younger whereas the ex looks 10 years older. His haggardness is not a recommendation for affairs and ice skating ...

Oh and my DSDs remain firmly glued by my side too :-))

comingintomyown Sun 10-Feb-13 17:20:25

This reminds me of the thread going at the moment on happily living alone

Yes indeed life post divorce may have the odd drawback but overall its just so much nicer

catsrus Sun 10-Feb-13 17:43:27

may I join the reunion party and say I too am very very happy with life. Saw a pic of exH recently and he appears to have found the 2 st I just lost and yes, he looks a good 10yrs older than me (actually a tad younger). He married the OW a bit too rapidly methinks - told one of the DCs he didn't think he'd still be with her if they hadn't married - he really has put all his eggs into that rather fragile basket case

Here's to the rest of our lives grin

frustratedashell Sun 10-Feb-13 21:59:59

Wow what an inspiring message. Im just starting out on that road with great anticipation and excitement. Just split , amicably, with fiance. Looking forward to doing some things for me. Have only recently joined mumsnet but the threads on here have helped me and opened my eyes to a few things. Ive also realised im my own woman, am capable, desirable, strong, full of untapped potential. Im now going to grab life by the scruff of the neck and get what I deserve!!

BeforeAndAfter Sun 10-Feb-13 22:07:12

"Frustrated" grabbing life is the only way to go. Be prepared for extreme highs and lows - make the most of the highs and keep the faith during the lows. I really recommend creating a thread on MN - it will help you get through the lows, will keep you on track and the black humour will keep you laughing for years.

To old friends, known or named-changed, it's great to see you! wine

frustratedashell Sun 10-Feb-13 22:09:48

Thanks B&A

drfayray Wed 10-Apr-13 15:23:51

I just found this!!! B&A !!! Wisey, Dozer, Saff!!! Wow! All us amazing wimmin!grin
So happy to hear that things are good for you. So happysmile
I haven't been on the relationships threads for awhile so missed thishmm
But something made me search for you B&A.

Things are a bit tricky for me but I am doing well enough. Looking for a different job - career change really. Back to my first love - high school teaching smile
Was in a sort of relationship but now single and actually happy to be single. Although it is hard doing everything myself but oh well ...
Fucking Twatty ex is still with the Kayaking Kunt wink.. Waiting for divorce to come. All papers in to the courts. DS has not seen his father in over a year. DD sees him from time to time.

I am now seriously obsessed with Tango and take lessons. I did a lot of Latin and Cuban dancing last year.

My relationships with people are great. I have fabulous friends who love me ( and I themsmile) and I feel happy with that. My children are doing well. DS is wonderful and going to uni next year. DD - slightly harder work but also wonderful.

I think back on how hard things were back then... And now... Look at us!

Your OP is fantastic. thanksthanksthanks

Mosman Wed 10-Apr-13 16:05:46

Thank you so much for this, I'm still in the trenches trying to dig myself out and I know others are too.
A brilliant post and I hope I remember to do he same when Bon the other side !

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