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Surely you strong, smart women can knock some sense into me?

(34 Posts)
KateSpade Fri 08-Feb-13 11:13:29

Ladies, I need a good kick up the ass...

I few months ago I started sleeping with my housemate, I wanted it to be casual, someone for a bit of sex & to go out with that's all. He then really started messing with my head, he'd sell me the world after a few drinks and forget it in the morning, where as I would remember. I corrected him saying, we're just having fun, blah blah. Where as now I've really fallen for him.

He does not want me at all, we've had argument upon argument (I say that, it's just me shouting at him) & I'm trying to be friends with this guy, as I still have to live with him for a few months, but the thought of him bring with other women makes me sick, I can't get him out of my head. I've started dating someone else, no sex just yet, and I'm wanting him to say no, date me instead.

It's awful, I don't know what to do. I always fall for boys who treat me badly, I'm feeling very hurt, my friends are all sick of hearing about it, and my friends are all 'our' friends and slightly lean towards aw, poor him!

I can't get him out of my head, I'm trying to date other people to realise, yes their are other men out their but I've ended up feeling like Bridget Jones.

Help? Anyone?

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 08-Feb-13 11:17:12

I do feel for you, it is hard.

It is only you that can change the way you feel though. Can you spend less time in the house, or get a load of good books and curl up in your room reading to avoid him?

And then, you need to think about your self-esteem and why you fall for this kind of man and what you can do to protect yourself from getting into this position again.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Fri 08-Feb-13 11:23:56


- Stop falling for bad boys and unavailable men.
- Cut things off when men prove to be bad or unavailable.
- Don't set yourself up for badness and emotional unavailability by telling yourself - and them - at the start that you don't want anything more than fuckbuddy status
- Stop making excuses that you "have" to stay living with this man for several months: you don't "have" to, no. There are always solutions to move out: you just don't want to go through the hassle and expense, even though it would be best for your wellbeing and sanity.

MarilynValentine Fri 08-Feb-13 11:41:30

Your ego is bruised. Because he doesn't want you. You're just going to have to deal with that unfortunately.

It's annoying that your friends seem to have taken sides, but stop asking them to comment. It is now over.

So what happens now? You look for a new place to live, you focus your mind on the future. The new guy you're dating may or may not be right for you but focus on getting yourself into a healthier living situation - damn near impossible to move on if you see this guy every day in the kitchen.

You took a risk getting sexually involved with someone you live with and it hasn't worked out. It's your responsibility in afraid.

We've all made dodgy choices at one point or another. Take positive steps now and think about why you choose unavailable men.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 08-Feb-13 11:53:06

You need to look at your own self here and rebuild your own self worth because what you are doing will only serve to low this even more. You are your own worst enemy currently.

What is the longest period of time you have been single?.

You need to completely stop dating till you've reassessed your own self; what you have tried to date has not worked. You need to unlearn all the damaging stuff you have learnt to date and that takes time. Rushing headlong into yet another unfullfilling relationship is clearly not the way to go.

Get off that dating treadmill as of now love your own self for a change.

Have you considered counselling?. BACP are good and do not charge the earth.

Why exactly do you keep falling for boys who treat you badly?. Perhaps I can give you some pointers which you may well relate to; your own inherent low self worth that so many immature menchildren find attractive and make a bee line for. Perhaps you are a people pleaser and seek approval all the time from others to vaildate you, alternatively you have rescuer and or saving tendencies and want to save and rescue these men from themselves by loving them better.

Your current state could also be a lot to do with your relationship with your Dad in particular. What was he like towards you, what did you learn about relationships when growing up?. That is also key.

KateSpade Fri 08-Feb-13 12:16:10

I know it's 100% my own fault, I'm just trying to move on, which yes, it is damn near impossible living with him.

The longest I've been single is now, which is nearly four years, in that space I've had a baby, father was a 'bad' man, but I didn't want anything from him, so that's been put to rest so to speak. DD is now 17 months & I have slept with 2 men including the conception.

The men in my life, fathers, uncles, male friends have always been very strong, positive influences. My dad has always been around, my mum & dad have been married 30 years, however I am adopted, I have no issues with that but it's the only thing I can think off to suggest why I choose horrible men.

I have had bad self esteem in the past, maybe it's more to do with that? I've been working on it, but have come stuck as to move forward with it?

I've ventured back to my mum & dads for a week & I'm not looking forward to going back to the house!

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 08-Feb-13 13:08:50

I think your self esteem is still poor and this is why you are still repeating damaging patterns with regards to choosing men poorly.

I also think your problems with picking men poorly are mainly to do with the content of your last three paragraphs. On a subconscious level at least you currently do not feel you deserve to have a nice man in your life at all.

Have you considered counselling re self esteem?.

Re your comment:-
"I've ventured back to my mum & dads for a week & I'm not looking forward to going back to the house"

Why is that?.

KateSpade Fri 08-Feb-13 15:28:33

I think I do need to do something about counselling regarding my self esteem, which I will do!

Just because I don't want too see said guy, really.

More effort than their worth really!

lowercase Fri 08-Feb-13 18:41:38

You haven't got over the last relationship and have started the next.
That speaks volumes I think.

Try reading the inappropriately titled 'why men love bitches'
Start investing time in yourself.

No wonder you feel like crap, you have allowed yourself to be used..
I have had these kind of arrangements, convinced myself its what I want..
All I wanted was to be loved!

I have stopped looking to others to love me, and started looking in the mirror.

learn from experience, don't do it again!

KateSpade Fri 08-Feb-13 19:17:31

I've actually downloaded a sample of that book on my iPad, I will get onto reading it. But appropriately titled? Do you think I'm a bitch?

Bobbybird40 Fri 08-Feb-13 19:40:55

Personally OP I wouldn't bother with the therapy. Having your heart broken from time to time is all part of life's rich tapestry. Make sure you learn from it and move on.

KateSpade Fri 08-Feb-13 20:06:01

So, I think he is seeing/sleeping with someone, how do I feel not bothered?

Bobbybird40 Fri 08-Feb-13 20:11:25

Not saying not be bothered, just saying that therapy isn't necessarily the answer when shit happens in life. FWIW, if you want to stand a remote chance of getting him back, the only solution is to feign complete indifference towards him for a few weeks. If you carry on making it clear he can have you when he wants you - which I'd bet you are - you've no chance.

lowercase Fri 08-Feb-13 20:47:10

Inappropriately titled I said!

Nothing to do with you!

Do you have problems with other areas of your life, eg, alcohol, food, anger or asserting yourself?

KateSpade Sat 09-Feb-13 06:59:56

Oh god, sorry I read that wrong. I did read the sample of the book though, very good so far!

I have no issues with alcohol or drugs, asserting myself, ect. It's probably down to self esteem.

TDada Sat 09-Feb-13 07:16:38

Please fancy yourself a bit more. Men often find that more attractive but you must do it for you not for men. You mentioned Bridget Jones...perhaps think of yourself as being in your own movie....the chips are down...time to fancy yourself and kick some butt....

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue Sat 09-Feb-13 07:40:12

I would suggest counselling. You say you are adopted but 'have no issues with that'. I am not saying you have to be upset or traumatised by being adopted but it is a life event that does impact many people and can leave unresolved feelings or thoughts, even where the adoptive family has come together and are a very successful loving family.

My suggestion would be move out, go somewhere calm, swear off all men for a year, explore some counselling, build up your self-esteem.

It looks as though you have set yourself up to be hurt with this man, and that warrants investigation IMO.

TDada Sat 09-Feb-13 09:09:46

I am with Yellow on this

scaevola Sat 09-Feb-13 09:14:26

Why are you stuck under the same roof for so long?

Can you get rid of the immediate problem of being alongside him by changing the arrangement sooner? Is it you or he who will be moving out?

KateSpade Sat 09-Feb-13 12:36:13

We will both be moving out in June, going our separate ways & probably not keeping in touch!

I think it's opened my eyes more than anything, well this thread has, as to what I want & why I am treated the way I am.

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue Sat 09-Feb-13 12:40:24

Yes, a bad experience can be very helpful, even though painful.

Hope you go forward stronger.

delilahlilah Sat 09-Feb-13 13:43:22

Borrowing from the concept from the wise words of Thumbwitch on another thread - I agree with her that women in certain circumstances give off what she refers to as a twat signal; the twats hear it and are attracted to the women in question. counselling could help you switch this off or turn it down so to speak, so you are less likely to attract them to start with. HTH

KateSpade Sat 09-Feb-13 17:46:48

Could you explain more on the 'twat' signal?

delilahlilah Sat 09-Feb-13 22:07:28

It means how we feel about ourselves / how we've been tried by previous partners etc etc affects the signals we give off. Bad experiences can lead to giving out the twat signal that twat's pick up and home in on you - then you can end up with another twat on your hands and the cycle begins again.
When you discover why you feel the way you do / deal with the issues you are likely to 'turn off/ turn down' the twat signal and attract a DP that isn't a twat.

delilahlilah Sat 09-Feb-13 22:08:27

itching to erase the apostrophe I've inserted for no reason at all....

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