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To feel physically sickened about what happened today? DD's 'father' (who she's never met!) is one of the staff members at her after school club!

(176 Posts)
ScaryWary Fri 08-Feb-13 00:49:14

I'm still in shock, so sorry if this turns out to be a bit of a ramble. Not spoken to anyone in RL about this yet today, as every time i mention him to friends/family, they just rant and name call, whereas i need a sensible, outside perspective.

DD (just turned 5yo) has started going to a sports club in the gym hall after school for an hour on Thursdays.

Today was the first session.

When i went and picked her up, i noticed my ex - dd's father - was one of the sport coaches/staff members. He was dealing with the register and ticking off the kids' names as parents came for them. I didn't even recognise him for a moment. I called on dd then turned to tell him her name (so he could mark her off the register) and that's when we both seemed to recognise each other.

He looked terrified. Looked at me, then dd briefly, then turned away to another parent who was telling him to mark her child's name from the register.

I grabbed dd and bolted home with her.

She had no idea who he was. He, it would seem, had no idea who she was until he saw me and put two and two together. They'd spent an hour together not knowing who each other was.

I'm now sickened and in shock. I can't believe this has happened.

He is a vile, horrible man (well, he was to me anyway). He was abusive in our relationship, mostly emotionally, would force/blackmail me into having sex with him, called me names, hit me twice, trashed my flat one time because i was delayed amswering the buzzer to him (i was vaccuuming so couldn't hear it).

When dd was born, his anger problems worsened. I begged him to get help, he didn't. He'd invite his friends round to my flat, get drunk, while i was expected to look after newborn dd.

He was drunk one night and almost dropped her down the stairs when she was 3 days old. I burst into tears and he got angry with me for crying and 'making him feel bad'. He shoved me against the wall while i was holding her.

He left. A few days later, he was round for a visit (trying to make excuses for his behaviour/apologise etc). Stupidly, i agreed to let him stay the night on the sofa. DD was not sleeping through. She was crying all night. Partner stormed upstairs yelling at her to shut the fuck up, picked her up and started shaking her, screaming 'you've been fed and changed - what the fuck else do you want?'

I told him to leave. Only when i threatened to go to the police did he finally go.

The police visited me in the morning. They said it would be hard to press charges as it would be my word against his. I had taken dd to the docs that morning too and she was fine, no marks etc. He only shook her a little, not enough to leave physical evidence.

Anyway, never saw him again after that. He never made contact, and i never bothered to look him up. I changed dd's surname back to mine when she was 18months old, and gave her a new middle name, hoping this would stop him being able to locate her easily (e.g. seeing her name randomly in the local newspaper etc).

So today is the first time i've seen him since dd was a few days old.

What do i do? DD has autism, and her father's brother has it too. I can remember ex and his vile mother calling the brother horrid disabilist names, slapping him, telling him he's an idiot, teasing him about how he'll never have a normal life etc.

This man is an animal. No matter how much i complained in the past about his antics, it was always my word against his, so he has a clean police record. He was very clever.

Due to dd's autism, she finds social situations difficult. When i read the info pack for this sports club i thought it would be the making of her! She has been looking forward to it for weeks. She'll be heartbroken if i take her out of it for no (apparent) reason.

I'm so confused. This man shouldn't be teaching in schools He shouldn't be around kids. Especially mine. But i'll look like a maniac if i go into the school and reveal his past when i have no proof.

What if this makes him suddenly decide he wants to be a part in dd's life? What if he tries to make contact?

I feel scared about taking her to school tomorrow. After i'd left, he could have went and spoke to the Head about dd for all i know. He could request to see her school record etc. I feel so powerless. How can a man - a stranger to dd - be allowed to just waltz back into her life so easily?

DD is desperate for a father figure. I've never had another relationship since her father (who was my first). I think she notices she's the only child in her class with no dad. SHe constantly quizzes me about him. I try to give honest, neutral answers. 'He didn't want to be a dad' 'He and Mummy didn't get on very well.' 'Your very lucky because you have a mummy, and some people don't have mums or dads at all.'

If she ever got wind of that man being her father, she'd be all over him like a rash.

My stomach is in knots.

Told you this would be a ramble.

quoteunquote Fri 08-Feb-13 00:58:14


Is it one of those sports club after school things?

Go and speak to the head teacher, tell him or her what you have said above. If it a visiting after school club, maybe they could send someone else.

YANBU to feel worried, sick & confused.
I'm afraid I have no idea what I'd do. All the best.

SavoyCabbage Fri 08-Feb-13 01:00:55

I don't think they will think you are a maniac, the school. Phone tomorrow and ask for an appointment to see the head. Tell her. She needs to know. It will be awful for you but you can do it. The school need to know that they must keep an extra eye on your dd and that there is a history with this man.

In the meantime take your dd out of the club. Ask friends over and do little things with her after school to soften the blow.Make a cake, go to the library. Enrol her in something else if you have to.

If he tries to contact you then that is the biggest worry I think. The rest can be dealt with.

It must have been a massive shock for you. Remember that there is always someone on MN to talk to.

NatashaBee Fri 08-Feb-13 01:01:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

70isaLimitNotaTarget Fri 08-Feb-13 01:03:35

shock- no idea what to advice but:

it doesn't sound like he wants to get involved from his previous behaviour (if he'd wanted to see your DD he'd have found a way). Maybe today was such a shock for him, but his reaction doesn't suggest he's going to make contact .

I'm sure if you tell the school (and stress the confidentiality ) that you don't want anyone looking at your DD reports etc

and sad I'd take her out of the Sports Club. Better she's upset now than you worrying all the time about her contact with him when you aren't there.

HildaOgden Fri 08-Feb-13 01:11:23

Agree with everything SavoyCabbage said.

I doubt he is going to want to start contact now really.He had no intention of it before now.I don't know how to word this tactfully,but now that he has met her and seen she is 'imperfect' (please don't be hurt by that,it's not my personal view but it's probably how he sees things bearing in mind his attitude to his brother with the same condition),I think it is even less likely.

Talk to the head on a personal level ,tell her your story.Remove dd from class and do something else.And please,please try not to over worry.He was a deadbeat Dad to start with,he's not suddenly going to want to ride in all hero-like and step up to the plate now.

You might even find that he quits teaching the class sooner than having to deal with you,and any possible maintenance claim.

MyCannyBairn Fri 08-Feb-13 03:26:19

Why is he helping, was that his occupation, or is it possible he is the parent to another child at school ?
I think Hilda makes a good point actually, he is less likely to want anything to do with a less than perfect child ( my dd is asd too, and it is quite the twat filter ) being such a twat.
What a nightmare, I hope you are feeling ok, what a horrible shock that must have been.

Alligatorpie Fri 08-Feb-13 03:33:09

How awful . No advice, but I am sorry you have to go through this.

AngelAtTheTopOfTheTree Fri 08-Feb-13 04:06:27

That's awful, poor you. I would take her out of the club I'm afraid and find something else for her.

I hope you find a way that works for you and your DD.

aftermay Fri 08-Feb-13 04:12:45

What a shock for you. I wouldn't worry about him seeing your DD's school records etc but I would speak to the Headteacher. Perhaps ask as well that they have checked the registration/qualification/CRB of the clubs they allow in on school premises.

Did your DD like the club? Is there anything similar you could take her to instead? Maybe at weekends. Or could you face going to the club with her and watching during the activity?

sashh Fri 08-Feb-13 04:41:05

You are in shock.

He will also be in shock.

He might decide he should not be at that particular group.

Not sure what you can do to force him not to be near your dd if she stays at the club.

I think the first step would be to make an appointment to see the head, tell them it is important and you might need an hour. Then say everything you have said here.

Maybe print it out for the head to read.

What do you want to happen? For dd to continue but without this man?

He may have a clear CRB but there will be a record of the police visit and you taking your dd to the Dr.

You could write to the group and say this man assaulted you and your daughter in the past and that you do not want him near your dd.

I'm not sure what they would or could do.

What a mess, sorry not helping but here to hand hold.

BigGiantCowWithAKnockKnockTail Fri 08-Feb-13 04:53:23

I agree that you must talk to the head.

What kind of personal details is he likely to have access to from the enrollment form?

Mosman Fri 08-Feb-13 05:03:27

I wouldn't be running to the head with this information tbh, you can just leave the club you don't need the school to hear all this, you have no evidence, they cannot take your word for it.

Take her out by all means but the man will have had a CRB check - just proves they aren't worth the paper they are printed on - and an interview, somebody has decided he is the right man for the job.

HollyBerryBush Fri 08-Feb-13 06:16:07

He's not employed directly by the school? This is one of those clubs that comes in and effectively rents the premises from teh school, then has the school children use those facilities?

Difficult call because he isn't directly employed by the LA, however the school has a duty of care. However, should you talk to the Head, then she will have to request that particular coach isn't to come back, that then alerts him that you are indeed who he thinks you maybe.

That could go two ways, either he will slip off into the sunset praying you aren't going to go to the CSA and chase him, OR he's going to want to see your daughter.

Out of curiosity, if you were able to change her name, presumably legally, I take it he isn't on the birth certificate?

BrianButterfield Fri 08-Feb-13 06:24:44

Right, don't worry about him seeing her records - there is no chance whatsoever of that happening. I'm a teacher and I haven't even seen my own students' full records and never will unless in exceptional circumstances.

I would tell the head. His/her first priority should be the health and well-being of their students and this clearly has the potential to impact upon one of them. If I were the teacher in this situation I would want to know and would understand your worries.

HollyBerryBush Fri 08-Feb-13 06:32:40

But he may have access to the childs enrolement record - name, DOB, address, contact number in emergency and all the medical stuff that has to be filled in when join any of these clubs. Emergency contacts etc are not going to be just on a central data base in case of emergency. They will be transported to and from the session.

BoffinMum Fri 08-Feb-13 06:32:50

Speak to the head on a personal basis, and ask her to tell the sports club company to stop sending your DD's dad to the school. He shouldn't be there anyway if he's abusive and has a drink problem.

LovesBeingWokenEveryNight Fri 08-Feb-13 06:38:06

I agree about speaking to the head. What a terrible shock for you.

Littlefish Fri 08-Feb-13 06:38:17

Does he have parental responsibility?

I think you should go and see the Headteacher as soon as possible to discuss your concerns.

ComradeJing Fri 08-Feb-13 06:45:48

Poor you.

I doubt he would suddenly want to get involved but I would speak to the head teacher to give them a heads up.

Mosman Fri 08-Feb-13 06:58:58

ask her to tell the sports club company to stop sending your DD's dad to the school. He shouldn't be there anyway if he's abusive and has a drink problem.

On what basis is this guy about to lose his job, some mum at the school says he's the father of her child and is abusive, no name on the BC and no police record of this abuse, look at it from the heads point of view it's her word against his, the OP will sound unhinged.

CoffeeandDunkingBiscuits Fri 08-Feb-13 07:07:06

Gash, what a hard situation. I agree you need to speak to the school.

GrowSomeCress Fri 08-Feb-13 07:11:31

What an awful awful situation sad definitely speak to the head

Kat101 Fri 08-Feb-13 07:29:58

I would probably do nothing, if it was me. Which may well be the wrong thing to do. But I can't see him telling anyone about this - what's he going to say, that his daughter who he hurt, never paid for and abandoned has suddenly turned up and he didn't even recognise her? I doubt he would want his past brought up and raked over, it wouldn't look great for his employers. I would remove your dd from the class and wait it out.

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