Age gap relationship. Feeling wary of making it 'official'.

[Drunkandwearingflipflops]

I'm wondering if any ladies on here are in relationships where they are significantly older than their partner? I'm feeling a little confused at the moment and could use some wise counsel.

I have been seeing a guy for nearly 4 months now. He is lovely, kind, sweet, thoughtful, cute and generally an all round catch that any woman would be lucky to have. The only 'problem' is that I'm 34 and he has only just turned 22.

We aren't officially an item as yet. Meaning we don't refer to each other as boyfriend and girlfriend, the dreaded FB relationship status is still set to single, etc. He has made it very clear lately that he wants to make things more official. He isn't seeing anybody else and neither am I.

The only problem is that the age gap is making my hugely nervous. My fiancée (who I split with a year ago) was nearly 7 years younger than me and I feel that it was a factor in why we broke up. Part of me really wants to give it a go but the other part of me wants to shield myself from the pain of when we (inevitably?) split up and I am left all alone again.

Am I just being silly? If anybody else has any positive stories of their sucessful age gap relationships then I would love to hear them!

[izzyizin]

What does making it 'official' mean?

As you've only known this guy a few months, I assume you're not planning to move in together/get engaged/married or similar and I see no reason why you shouldn't continue to enjoy each others' company and let it lead where it may.

If your previous relationship has left you with a sense of inevitability that a younger man will leave you bereft at some future point, why not look to date men who are closer in age to you - albeit there are no guarantees that older men won't do the dirty in similar ways to their younger counterparts?

No doubt numerous other women will have both positive and negative tales to tell of relationships with much younger males, but their experiences cannot necessarily be used as an indicator of what will happen with your current amour.

Relationships don't come with guarantees and it's up to each of us to decide whether the possibility, or even the inevitability, of getting hurt outweighs the joy of loving while it lasts.

[Tryharder]

Meh. It's only 12 years. I wouldn't worry. I know quite a few women who are with younger men and they are fine.

[Dryjuice25]

After 4 months I would say to enjoy it while it lasts. If you rush things you might end up spoiling an otherwise beautiful thing as most MNs will tell you.

Who cares what facebook status says? Do people really care about this info on there? shrugs to never seeing the point of even having facebook

[fluffyraggies]

My DH is 11 years younger than me. We've been together 7 years.

Neither of us was seeking a relationship when we met. He wasn't looking for an older woman, i wasn't looking for a younger man. Neither of us were looking for anything. We fell in love and it's just the age we happen to be.

I wish he wasn't younger than me, out of pure jealousy, and because it's a bit of a joke in the media at the moment - 'cougars' etc. can make me feel a bit stabby.

You wouldn't guess the age gap to look at us. He looks older than he is, i look younger.

Most of the time it doesn't matter to me at all. Occasionally i get in a cold sweat about it when i think about him being 49 and me being 60 when i start thinking about the future.

Our references to life in general aren't dis-similar. TV he watched as a child is much the same as TV i watched. Things he remembers from when he was at primary school i remember from a teenagers point of view. The 80s/90s music scene is so well known that our music references are similar too. He moans about feeling old when 20 somethings join his workplace. He recons policemen seem younger these days. It makes me laugh. I think to myself - i started saying all that 10 years ago.

To some 11 years doesn't seem that much i expect. There are much bigger gaps in successful relationships out there. I never make a big deal of it. I don't show any insecurity even if i feel it sometimes. I don't fuss about birthdays, and how old i'll be, etc etc. I think myself young. I keep myself fit. Having teenagers in the house plus a younger husband just keeps you young at heart i guess.

My mum was old by the time she was 40. That's not for me.

The biggest divide between us is that i have kids of my own, and he hasn't. He's a great step dad to them, but hasn't known them from babyhood, and can't grasp just how quickly time flies as a parent, and how, to me, just how recently if feels that they were babies. He's realising this now, however, seeing his nephew go from birth to school age in the blink of an eye.

Big ramble that, sorry My point is OP, its only an issue if you make it one. Enjoy each other, as you would any new relationship, and what will be will be.

[Pagwatch]

I think you broke up with your fiancé for many reasons. I doubt the age gap was one.
My dh is 7 years younger than me and we have been married for 23 years.
An age gap is pretty trivial shit unless it is massive or unless one of you makes it so.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"He has made it very clear lately that he wants to make things more official"

Just because he wants things to be more permanent, it doesn't mean you have to go along with it. I'd be wary of such a young man wanting to rush you into anything so settled. Not because of the age-gap per se but because 22 year-olds generally don't know their arse from their elbow.

[Dahlen]

The age gap itself is not an issue IMO.

However, when the younger of the parties is as young as 22 I'd be very cautious. The average 22-year-old simply hasn't had enough life experience, and consequently the emotional maturity, to match those of someone over 30, particularly when the younger person is male.

IME, age-gap relationships where the male is the younger of the two, only tend to work out when the male has lived through most of his 20s and matured a bit. After 30, age-gaps are totally irrelevant.

That's a massive presumption that he's a 'typical' 22 year old, of course, and he may have had an action-packed life that given him a great deal of emotional maturity, in which case you can safely ignore everything I've said.

The other thing I'd be wary of is that at 4 months, you really don't know each other at all. I can't see the harm in going 'official' and becoming a couple, but I would leave it at the dating stage for some considerable time yet.

[Pagwatch]

Well ok. But dh was 20 when he proposed and 21 when he married.
He was, and remains, way more mature than me.
I absoloutely accept the general point. But maturity and age are not inevitably linked and only the op knows him.

Dh was the first one to suggest marriage. He has always known what he wants. But he never pressured me, never would think that was reasonable.

[Timetoask]

People can change a lot in 12 years.
If you fall madly in love with him and would like to get married, have a family, etc... He may not be ready for such a commitment and you are already 34.
He is too young, he needs time to have fun and learn more about life before settling down (sorry Pag, I know your DH was very young, but I think you were lucky that it didnt go wrong)

[GoSuckEggs]

DH is 18yrs older then me. I have always found men my age (25) quite immature. Hopefully your one is not one of the immature ones!

Like someone else said, it has only been 4months. Enjoy it!!

[Helltotheno]

I think for a women, a lot of it centres round the biological clock. Do you have children OP? Do you want to have children? Although I've always liked younger men, if I was 34 and wanted children, I'd only be interested in the scenario most likely to result in children, and I'm not saying it's not possible in your case, it's just statistically less likely that a 22 year old would want kids. That might sound a bit calculating though, and may not be your priority.

If children are not an issue (ie you have them already or don't want them), definitely go for it and see where it leads. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks...

[CoteDAzur]

I think this is one of those situations where the heart and the head say two different things. Some people follow the head and end these relationships, knowing that in 20 years the chances of a 42 year old man and a 54 year old woman making it are very very slim. Others follow the heart and take that slim chance because it feels so good now.

Of course, nobody can guarantee the long-term success of any relationship, but the stats for age-gap relationships where the woman is significantly older are very damning. (i.e. can't think of any where they grow old together)

Sorry I'm no help, OP. Only you can make this decision.

[Drunkandwearingflipflops]

Thank you for the responses everybody. Lots of differing opinions and some food for thought there.

Izzy By making it more official I think he only means being able to refer to me as his girlfriend & the agreement that we won't be dating other people. Certainly nothing more serious at this stage. I have zero interest in getting into a serious relationship right now. I'm not really over my last one breaking up if I'm totally honest so I don't feel it would be fair to either of us. I have dated men closer to my own age but not really met anyone who wasn't either a bit of a fuckwit or just a bit, well, boring. I would find them trying to 'woo me' with tales of how they were ready to slow down in life & nothing makes my blood run cold faster to be honest!

Dryjuice Oh don't get me wrong. I think the whole FB thing is ridiculous as well. Most people in their twenties don't these days sadly. Most of my friends are in that age group where I live now & some of them have mentioned that it's odd we both have our profiles set as 'single'

Fluffy That is a lovely tale. I'm so pleased you are both so happy together.

Hell Whilst part of me really, really wants children (I don't have any) The other part feels that looking for a partner just because he is good father material (whatever that means) wouldn't be the right thing for me to do. I've sort of resigned myself to the fact that I may well never have a family now. I can't see the point in making it the main focus of my life. In fact I spent most of my twenties trying to find a man to have a family with & it didn't work. Maybe I'm just not meant to be a mother?

Weirdly enough it is always him saying how much he wants to be a dad and have a family. Whilst I am the one telling him he's far too young to even be thinking about things. Quite odd really.

[AutumnDreams]

Allowing yourselves to be called girlfriend/boyfriend and committing to just dating each other, isn`t really going to change anything is it? Let it happen, and see where you are at the end of a year together. By then you will both know more about where the relationship is going, and if you feel it can sustain - and you both want -something more permanent. In the meantime just enjoy it. Why end something good until you have a definite reason to do so?

[chrome100]

I am 31 and my boyfriend is 22. We have been together for just over a year. I was like you at the beginning - very relucant to make it "official", perhaps I felt embarrassed by the difference, I don't know? I still do a little bit, to be honest and feel that people don't think we are serious because of it. I love him to bits and he means the world to me, so I know this is just my own neuroses shining through.

[izzyizin]

The 'neuroses' chrome refers to are in part caused by society's view of women who date much younger men. No one would look askance at a relationship between a 34yo male and 22yo female.

[Drunkandwearingflipflops]

izzy You are spot on there. When I was 21 I went out with a man who was 38 when we met. We stayed together for 4 years and nobody ever batted an eyelid. Yet with my new guy I get people calling me a cougar and in some cases implying that there's almost something unseemly about it all.

Weirdly enough the only person who makes no issue of the age gap is the guy I'm dating. It says a lot about the state of our society I think.

[KentMum2008]

Ok, so how about a 7 year age gap where one is 26 and the other is 19? (eek)
I might add we're both women so the whole male immaturity argument can be thrown out. She has the capacity to be mature and wonderful when she's with me, but alone with her friends her age really shows. Having said that, I'm not looking for a serious relationship at all, my children have had a tough few years, their father was a nasty, abusive son of a b*tch and since he's moved out has done nothing but mess us about with regards to contact/maintenance etc. They really need stability, so I'm not about to introduce another person into their lives. But if its just for me, to keep me sane and to make the evenings a little less cold and lonely, there's no harm in it, right? We're both consenting adults and we both agree there's little chance of a future for us so should I nip it in the bud or enjoy it while I can?!

[Mumsyblouse]

Op, some men are just old souls in young men's bodies (lucky you!) My husband is this type, was looking to settle down since his early twenties, and it was his female partner who didn't want to, so I met him around thirty and we immediately married. I just think some men, perhaps not that many in number, enjoy the security of a relationship and want to build a family early on. I don't think if this is true in this situation, but I would probably give it a whirl to find out.

A colleague of mine was with a woman 20 years older than himself (40 and 60) and extremely happy, they met in his twenties, his parents were horrified, but they were very compatible and it was still going strong when I met them.

I really think there's no intrinsic reason to ditch a 22 year old, unless he's giving off I love my mates/don't want to settle down/loving the freedom vibes, which he is not. You could always set an internal deadline for yourself of another year and move on if it's not going the way you want, or if you find out things that make you feel otherwise.

[suburbophobe]

Don't get het up by what your friends think your FB status should be. The only thing that matters is what you feel comfortable with.

I hit my early thirties with a vague notion of maybe wanting kids at some time, but if it didn't happen that would be o.k. too.
I was in a pretty casual relationship at the time and more into having fun than settling down.

At 34 I met the father of DS. He was 13 years younger.
It was a whirlwind romance, at 35 got pregnant, divorced eventually, which can happen any time to any couple. It was not age-gap related.

Thing is, if I'd let the age-gap put me off (of course I had my doubts in the beginning) I wouldn't have my fabulous DS now

Life doesn't come with any guarantees. You just have to grab the good times when they come along.

[TeenyW123]

My husband's 12 years younger than me. He was 26 and I was 38 when we met, and I had a 7 yo son. The best thing I ever did, we are truly (mostly) equal partners in everything and we love each other more and more as time goes by. and I've got someone to change my bag when I'm a dribbling wreck

Teeny