Pregnancy that I feel forced to abort.....

[mrshectic]

To start, I have 2 gorgeous boys, 6 and nearly 5. My husband has been suffering depression for about 3 yrs now, lost his job a year ago, is on meds and we aren't getting on perfectly (Tbh) and we are struggling (who isn't?) . So it really couldn't have come at a worse time. Our sex lives haven't been great either, so its almost a miracle in itself, but I'm 6 wks pregnant.
When I found out and told him, he was positive and said we get through things. Since then he said it us not good timing (understatement), so made an appointment for the clinic. Had the pre tests done, but I was incredibly upset....therefore I didn't book straight away and we went away to think on it. He won't really discuss it with me. And although I know myself that I should probably go ahead, I don't think I can. I don't know what to do. My world feels like its falling apart because I just don't want to get rod of this baby. He thinks it'll tear us apart, but my worry is I won't cope with the guilt of going through with something I don't want to and end up blaming him. Which will inevitably do what he wants to avoid in the first place.
I feel so alone and lost, I cry everyday. I did have the appointment booked for this Wednesday but canceled as I've got a busy wk at work and don't think ill cope.
Maybe I do just need to get on with it. Any advice at all to stop me feeling insane?

[magimedi]

No advice - but did not want to read & run.

If you can't face an abortion then don't do it. In the end it is your body.

[Isabeller]

Only advice is find someone sympathetic in RL to talk to, GP, Samaritans, counsellor, anyone who can just support you on whatever path you tread.

Good luck xx

[Schooldidi]

If you don't want an abortion, then don't do it.

If you feel like you may end up blaming and resenting him for pressuring you into an abortion you don't want then you may well end up splitting up anyway. So you could have a baby he doesn't want and possibly split up, or you could have an abortion you don't want and possibly split up. It's up to you to decide which you would find easier to live with.

[NomNomDePlumPudding]

if you don't want an abortion, don't have one. no-one can force you. if you terminate a pregnancy you are already thinking of as a baby because he wants you to, i think it's unlikely you'll forgive your dh in the long run.

sorry, crap position for you to be in.

[Kickarsequeen]

A baby isn't going to tear you apart any more than a baby can fix a relationship. Terminating this baby and then feeling upset about it is going to cause problems too... It's not a forgone conclusion that you have to terminate. ((((Unmumsnetty hugs)))) for your dilemma.

[zipzap]

Mrshectic - what a horrible position to find yourself in big unMNetty hugs, you sound like you could do with them

I don't have any experience of anything like this but just didn't want to leave this post sitting here unanswered.

There was a similar thread to this a few days ago. There the overwhelming response was that you are probably a lot more likely to regret going through with an abortion than having the child.

What do you think your dh would say if you turned around and said, you know what, I think you are wrong. we will get through this like we originally said we would and I'm sorry but I can't go through with an abortion. Are you worried he would leave you alone with the 3 children, or become more depressed or get into massive debt and/or something else?

It seems to be from your OP that he was the one that instigated the appointments for this, that you hadn't thought of it until he suddenly changed his mind and decided that you needed to get rid of the baby. Just because he changed his mind, it doesn't give him the right to automatically have that be the accepted vote of what is happening. You also have the right to have your views and feelings - and as it is your body then you do have more rights because he can't force you physically to have the abortion (he can't physically drag you to the clinic and tell the doctor to perform the procedure regardless of what you think about it).

Bizarrely, it's probably easier for him to force you to have the abortion mentally by manipulating you (however he does this - threatening to leave or getting even more depressed and so on) into making you think that that is the only option you have open to you, thus sublimating your feelings and desires in order to appease him and keep him happy and the rest of the family ticking over.

Have you told him yet that you have cancelled the appointment for weds? If so what was his reaction - or what do you think (or fear?) it will be? Relief or anger? And is he going to be on the phone organising another appointment for you or leaving it up to you?

I'm not surprised you feel you're going insane - this would be hard enough to deal with on its own, let alone with lots of pg hormones swilling around, being so busy at work and stress at home from dh's long term depression and unemployment.

Sorry that there are so many questions but sometimes it's only asking lots of questions that will help you figure out what you want, rather than falling in with what everybody else wants because that's what easiest at that horribly stressful busy moment in time.

[Seenenoughtoknow]

I agree with school ^. If you have any doubt you shouldn't do it. Don't be bullied into it...it is you who will spend years trying to get over it (and maybe never managing) whilst your husband will never think about it again.

[Seenenoughtoknow]

By the way - I had one under pressure ( similar situation ) and spent YEARS getting over it (still not completely over it though) and it is still the only thing in my life I regret. I felt like you did, I didn't want to go through with it...I wish I had dumped the b@$trd who emotionally blackmailed me into it instead.

[mrshectic]

Thank you for ur replies......I know its a tough thread to answer to, so I really appreciate those who have.
I'm not really sure what I think he would do truly, and I don't know if he would stand by me. But I don't think its that I'm scared of.....I think its what others would think of me for keeping a child knowing what situation I'm bringing it into. I feel maybe I'm being selfish in keeping it, as although its my body, its not just my life I'm altering.
I know deep down I will never get over an abortion, and as you have rightly said, I do already think of this as my baby.
I guess, as everybody does....I wish life was just a tiny bit easier.

[mrshectic]

Seenenoughtoknow.....I really feel for u. My husband, although I don't think he even realises it (or maybe he does!?), is emotionally making me feel like I wouldn't be able to mentally core with another child. I think that hurts the most. :-(

[mrshectic]

*cope ....not core!

[Lueji]

I wonder what men like these expect to happen should they become ill and a burden to their families. Automatic divorce? Euthanasia?

Yet, they are so quick to try to impose abortions even when their partners do not want them.

It all goes back to, if they really don't want more children, then they should have had the snip.

I agree that you should try and talk to someone you trust. Or have counselling.

Have you actually told him your full feelings? That you really don't want to and that if he forces you then in all likelihood, yes, it will tear you apart?

[Lueji]

FWIW, I don't think you are selfish.
You are a human being, with feelings, and already feelings for this child that's inside you.

Your H should consider your feelings, although being depressed he may not be able to.

[missbea]

Oh, this is so sad to read, you sound in real anguish. A few things jumped out at me: he won't talk to you about it and you don't want to do it/be forced into it. Also that it will cause a breakup - either because you did abort or because you didn't. My gut says, if you want to keep your baby, keep it. You will find a way to get by. Abortion isn't something that can be undone. But if you can find someone to talk to, a counsellor that you trust, and work through how you feel, then you move forward feeling stronger. And separately, perhaps your DH could find someone to talk to about his depression and job prospects so he can see progress in his own life. Take care. xx

[mrshectic]

I have said that it is upsetting me terribly and that I think it will tear us apart, but then that was all that was said on that. He looked sad for a bit, then that's it. He just reaffirms that he doesn't think the timing is right......when is it ever? We didn't have our own place when I fell pg with our 1st. I think he would just say its something I'm forcing upon him when he's in ill health. And that its my fault if we split because of it.
When I told him I had canceled the appointment (firstly because I don't want it done, 2nd because of work but 3rd, he has made an appoint for the same day and time without even realising....so I would need a friend to take me instead!), he asked why and I told him the 2nd and 3rd reasons for it....he said oh I hadn't thought about it I thought it was on Thursday! Its the complete thoughtless of his attitude that bugs me. And he wonders why I lose the plot with him?
I do need to seek counselling. And I do need to suck it up and just tell him straight, then just ride the storm.

[Seenenoughtoknow]

Mrshectic - I could and would have coped with a baby, but the abortion really screwed me up. I think it should only be done if you WANT to abort, for your own reasons, otherwise the regrets are serious and stay with you.

Mine was over 10 years ago, and I am not one to dwell, but I genuinely only really started to forget it when my DS was born 18 months ago. It just seemed to follow me around with painful reminders, despite my trying to forget it. I really hope you make the right choice for YOU, and good luck with whatever you decide.

[mrshectic]

He is seeing a physc nurse and taking meds.....but only through me making him go when he has given up on everything in the past. He is back there on wed for now, hopefully, regular weekly appoints.
He recently (last week) WA told they were stopping his benefits (only tax based income support) and has had to go on jobseekers. Which they found the perfect local job and he was sending his CV that day....only he never did and that was 10 days ago. He just gets cross if I mention it. Which actually, I want to kill him for not taking responsibility for his actions and where they may lead.

You are probably right in the fact that our marriage is pretty much dead. As for the sex 6 wks ago....well, that was out of sorts, as we hardly ever had sex last year, not through me not wanting to (I do have a high sex drive), but after he told me it was his meds and to stop pressuring him, I backed off. Completely. I was on the pill, but had missed a few, not thinking we would be having sex, I didn't think it would be an issue. I was wrong and hold my hand up.

Really, I think I'm just trying to sort my head to realise that actually, through all the things he has made me feel, I can do this and I am strong enough to cope with anything life throws at me. Its just finding where my inner strength has buggered off to!

[Seenenoughtoknow]

Be easy on yourself, you'll find your inner strength when you really need it. X

[Lueji]

The thing is, as it is, it looks like your baby would give you more happiness than your husband. :(

You have basically been there for your husband through his illness. I wonder if he feels now that a baby would mean more responsibility for him and less availability from you.

[badinage]

I've never had this dilemma but my view has never altered that if a man doesn't want any more children and is adamant about that, he should make damned sure he can't create them. So that means the snip or using birth control. If he doesn't - and his partner gets pregnant - he lets her make the decision about how she wants to proceed.

Take a bit of time to consider what you want and don't let anyone coerce you one way or another. No-one else lives inside your skin and has to cope with either the pregnancy/giving birth - or a termination. The least of your concerns is what other people outside of your immediate family (partner and other kids) will think.

[MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot]

Jesus wept - he thinks having an abortion is like a hygienists appointment - he forgot when it was??

He's wrong that this is something you are doing - getting pregnant is something both of you did. End of. If your relationship doesn't survive if you keep this baby then it's because of his attitude, not the baby.


Love - do what you want. It's not anyone else's business (other than your DH's) and none of them will have to live with your decision.

It is rarely the perfect time to have a baby and when it is you can't bloody conceive!

Your marrige is as likely to fail either way - termination or no termination, nothing is guaranteed to save it :(

You are already thinking of this as your baby, you have said you don't want a termination... surely that's a decision made?

[Damash12]

Without being too flippant - cant you abort the husband!??!! Apologies but this is a really tough thing for you and by your post your answer is you don't want to end this pregnancy. I read it as if someone, anyone (especially DH) said "let's go for it , everything will be ok" you would happily start to enjoy and look forward to having this baby. How will you children take the news? I'm writing this while listening to my 18 day old baby snuffling around in his moses basket after a feed and god it's fantastic!! That's not meant to make you feel guilty in any way as there are real/ valid reasons for people to have to terminate but what I'm saying is although hard work you may need the joy and the change this little one may bring??!! It could be life changing in more ways than one and it may help your husband come out of his depression or it may make you decide to end the marriage but I assure you it won't be the baby that ends it. Good luck, please do speak to someone ie counselling and don't be bullied.

[Jux]

It's xxtraordinary the reserves of strength people can call on when they need to. This is true for you and for your h too. Whether he chooses to pull it out of the hat is up to him. You will, though. You will be fine.

If you had to choose between them - your baby or your h - which would you go for? I think that is your answer?

[BerylStreep]

I echo everyone else, you need to make up your own mind based on the fact that your marriage may be failing anyway. Forget about him having an excuse to 'blame' you for breaking up the marriage - that's just crap and him avoiding personal responsibility for his part in this - both the baby and the state of your marriage.

I am very pro-choice, but seeing threads here lately, I am struck by how many women are pressurised, emotionally blackmailed and threatened into having abortions by their partners. It's very sad.