Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
How often do you see your in laws?(35 Posts)
Just wanted to know how often people on here see their in laws. Apparently because I don't jump for joy about seeing dp parents every weekend, or not wanting to invite them to EVERY outing we ever have I hate them. Not the case at all,they are lovely his mother tho at times can be interfering and judgmental. If we go anywhere with them its always were they want to go, what time we leave, we can all go in one car to save petrol we will pick you up We get organised like we're children ( dp loves it) and doesn't see how annoying it is.
I've had my first baby and I really want us to start being a proper family, doing things together etc. But his parents turn up at our house every weekend (they have rang dp about ten mins in advance, dp doesn't tell me until practically on doorstep). A good example is the other week I wanted to take baby for a walk around big park. We planned to go, about to leave his parents turned up, I told them where we were going and I felt I should invite them. If I didn't his mother would have invited herself so to save me being embarrassed i just asked them if they would like to come. They accepted (of course) but what pissed me off was they ended up planning we go somewhere else because it will be easier to push buggy (not as much mud). I stupidly just went "oh ok" when they asked if it was ok. If I make an issue dp will make me look bad in front if them like I'm being petty because they are trying to help.
It's like this all the time!! I just feel like a kid. I'm very independent and always have been. I don't like bring organised by people and I pretty much know my own mind about things. It's caused many an argument between me and dp. He loves being organised and babied by them, but I think they go over the top. I can't make even one comment about his parents doing this and he kicks off, we can't discuss it without an argument. I shouldn't have to tell them, they are not my parents and dp just let's them think its all great. I don't want to tell them because I hate confrontation like this, awkward.
There is more to all this but would take forever to go into it all but basically, does everyone have to see and spend every outing/part weekend with their parents/I'm laws?
To answer the title: every 3 or 4 years
which is too often
I think you need to set some boundaries pronto
My answer to your title is as little as humanely possible.
I would argue that his parents are not lovely at all because she in particular is judgmental and interfering. Her H is probably the bystander in this who acts out of self preservation and want of a quiet life. He probably stays very quiet and in the background.
Your man is still very much tied to his parents and is still seeking their approval even as an adult. Fear, obligation and guilt are three damaging legacies left by such people. They have damaged him by not letting him have his own opinions and his mother has both smothered and enabled him. He enjoys being looked after because he can leave any decision making to them and his mother takes full advantage of that. In a straight fight between you and them he'd probably choose them over you; he would rather upset you than either one of his parents particularly his mother.
You can only change how you react to them; you cannot change either his behaviour or theirs. He has to come to realise for his own self that their influence on his family unit now is not healthy.
You certainly need to set boundaries with regards to these people asap; them turning up every weekend and your man not telling you that they are arriving until they are on the doorstep is something that must cease as of now.
I would suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward as this may help you some more.
Your DP is also part of the problem here as well as his parents, if not more so.
He cannot or will not see that his actions are contributing to the problems within your relationship now. He may not change and ultimately you may well get too fed up with him to want to continue being in a relationship with him.
Sometimes, I can go weeks weeks without seeing PILs. DH sees them during the week on his own. Sometimes, he takes our dds with him and they stay and have tea - straight from school, I quite like this as on these nights I just have to see to myself when I get in from work.
Your story sounds very much like that of my sister, her DP and his parents. TBH, she has got a horrible life with him and a lot of it stems from how interfering his mother was when they first had their DD - an example, turning up at the hospital just after their dd was born with an entourage of 9 other ppl! I could go on for hours about his mother, I only hope your life doesn't go down the path that my sisters has. They used to have to go around to his mothers every Sunday AM, without fail. Couldn't do anything else, or go anywhere else as this always had to come first. TBH, he has made my sisters life a misery because of his parents.
I've been with DP for over 2 yrs and haven't met his parents, nor do I plan to. He sees them about 4 times a year. They only live 120 miles away.
Your DH needs to grow up a bit and your ILs need to back off.
I last saw mine 15 yrs ago ! Husband sees them every week , children see them very occasionally . Works fine here .
We used to go and see them every weekend but they moved to the coast last year so since then a lot less. They moved in April and we've seen them about 5 times since.
I'm very lucky I have lovely ILs and we miss them a lot now they're so far away.
Sounds like maybe some boundaries need to be set, your dp needs to understand your concerns but also can you try and let the smaller things go and just concentrate on the more fundamental issues so as not to get yourself too wound up?
Hope you sort things.
Why do women always want to isolate their menfolk from their blood family? you won't be singing from that hymn sheet in 25 odd years when your DIL dishes out the same medicine
Twice in the last three years
Your situation sounds intolerable. Why on earth does your DH feel the need to see his parents every weekend? I'm afraid I'd have nipped that one in the bud yonks ago. But since you didn't, I'd start setting some boundaries right now. Like you only see them if you're both part of the inviting - presumably it's your home too? And you have some weekends when you don't see them at all and get to do stuff as a family. And that's just for starters.
Has this 'every weekend' visiting come about since the arrival of pfb or has it been going on since you met him?
If the latter, you've been acting under false pretences if you've simply gone along with it since you've known him and you've got it all to do in terms of weaning him off his
dm's tit the bosom of his family.
Don't be surprised if he chooses them over you once he realises you mean business and that you're no longer prepared to tolerate planning or living your life to suit them.
I see my mil at least once a week as she has dd one day whilst I work. We often see her at least once at the weekend as well, BUT my mil is hugely grateful that we include her in stuff and just goes along with whatever we're doing. She just wants to spend time with us and doesn't care where that is. I'm very lucky though as she's generally pretty great- your situation sounds shit and I would feel very different if I was in your shoes.
Your dp sounds like the first problem to tackle- he needs to listen to you rather than think you're starting an argument when you bring this subject up for discussion. You are meant to be a partnership so both of you should have an equal say on what happens in your life together.
Maximum once a fortnight but it can be up to a month between visits. They live 10 mins away.
I had to put my foot down re unannounced visits though- drove me mad.
Having gone through this myself I think it is easy to get into a routine and before you know it, these routines are set in stone and CAN'T be changed
My inlaws live next door and it's been bloody miserable having to fend them off all the time. DH's fault of course, as he cannot cope without seeing his family several times a week (would be every day if I weren't on the scene, I'm sure).
You must put your foot down NOW, or this ridiculous ritual will persist for ever. You will be seen as the baddie, but for your own sanity, DO IT!
PS After a huge argument I rarely see mine now thank God.
We don't see mine very often, which is a shame. They are very busy, and so can only rarely come over to our house, and my DFiL is a hoarder, which makes their house very dusty which does my asthma no good at all, so we don't go there very much.
In your situation OP, I think I would want to have a proper talk with your DP about boundaries, and soon. This will only lead to festering resentment if you just let it ride.
At the moment, never. Think yourself lucky - mine insisted on coming round every day when DD arrived . When I asked her to cool it (after daily visits, accusing me of hiding, following me into a restaurant etc!!) she threw a strop of momentous proportion, and apart from one visit where she declared I was evil, made DD cry and called me patronising for asking her to stop screaming at me, she hasn't darkened my door since. Thank goodness!
I see my mil 4 days out of 7, sometimes 5. She's lovely, looks after our DC 3 days a week and does tea on a Saturday.
My children are adult now and some of these posts really frighten me.
Attila you have hit the nail on the head about most of it there! The fact that my dp can't make decisions for himself and his dad certainly being the quiet one.
I know some of this should have been sorted out ages ago but my dp and mum are both extremely strong characters (very similar in fact) and I've just tried to have a quiet life. I've backed down on every thing my dp has wanted, I've moved 180 miles away from my life to a place I hate (his home town), a house I didn't really want and to just live his life as he wants. But since I've had my ds I was adamant no one was going to tell me what to do. His mother has tried to interfere on occasions but when it came to my child there was no way I was letting anyone tell me how to raise my son. Her ideas are different to mine and I've felt many times I've had to argue why I've chosen to do something, and yes I know how to do that with him etc etc. Done my head in, and yes I've also been like that with my family too, not just his mother.
Part of the problem is my dp not growing up ( which his own parents have on many occasion mentioned themselves when he's got on their nerves). But who can blame them from coming round if their son is so willing, they love it.
His mum has found it hard to let go of her boys, she done everything of them and is the type of person who loves to do things for people and doesn't understand that I don't. Believe me I am the last person who would want to stop a son having contact with his mum I lost my lovely mum when I was a teenager and miss her loads. You only have your parents or a short time, but they should bring you up to live your own life not theirs.
Both his parents are very old fashioned tho, his mum has to see his grandmother everyday without fail or she rings her and makes his mum feel guilty. It certainly is a family thing like turning up unannounced at people's houses for instance is something I am just not used to at all.
I just want my space and my family time when I would like it without feeling i have to invite his parents to everything. I want my dp to start seeing he has his own family now. Of course his parents are important to him I understand, but when he lived by my family he would moan when I saw them once a month.
Fair is fair!
We used to go to inlaws for dinner every sunday and they also used to come round to our house once a week. I blew last year and told dh no more! Mil is very manipulative and it was all on her terms-they do not help in any way with gcs.
We now go for dinner every 2nd week and its bliss!
Remind him of what you said in your last sentence--when you lived near your family he moaned when you saw them once a month.
Couple of times a week (MIL more than FIL), sometimes more. Rare to go a fortnight, mil gets "withdrawal symptoms" and is begging to come round! Mine are wonderful though, and much more involved than my own parents.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.