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(45 Posts)
ObscuredByClouds Sat 02-Feb-13 01:33:51

Hi all,
Is there any reason you can think of as to why someone would start a row in front of DCs when things between us had been going great? I'd been having time off work to stave off an oncoming migraine but other than that we had been getting on great, tons of love and affection. He told me I was acting and didn't believe me, that I don't get migraines as he knows what they're like and I only get 'bad headaches'. This really upset me and he laughed and said, go on, cry then. This came from nothing. We had been snuggling on sofa and there hadn't been a cross word between us.
Tonight he brought home chocs 'for no reason' and went to bed early. He was blocked up and after an hour of him snuffling I turned the light on to ask him to blow his nose and he lost it. I'm selfish, needy, name it. I tried to reason with him but he keeps referring to our last six years together and refuses to acknowledge what angst he's causing currently. This has now culminated in him leaving the house with the underlying threat to end the marriage. I'm really confused!

BakingWithToddler Tue 05-Feb-13 18:06:14

Obscured how are things? Hope you're ok.

BakingWithToddler Mon 04-Feb-13 16:47:48

Sorry Obscured, been offline for a couple of days.

He's gaslighting again. Turning his issues onto you.

You don't understand his actions because you are a nice person who doesn't seek to control or demean others.
He is not a nice person. He means to control and demean you. To do so he keeps going through this cycle of nice then nasty then making you feel responsible for the nastiness so you work harder to please him, letting go of yourself, your peace of mind, as you dance to his tune.

You are a strong and capable woman. You have your own home which your instincts were clever enough to keep in your name. Your children are not his. This could be a clean break with no contact afterwards. What is keeping you in this relationship? What do you gain from it? What does he do to make you feel secure and happy?

If you struggle to answer those questions that in itself should tell you what you need to do

ObscuredByClouds Sat 02-Feb-13 09:06:22

Ok, nothing untoward on emails/phone etc
He's still maintaining it is because he feels he has an extra child to care for (me)? And that nothing has changed since our last big talk (everything was fine...for ages!) So now I'm more confused than ever!

ObscuredByClouds Sat 02-Feb-13 08:09:34

Thank you both. He's gone to work, I'm off to my parents today- wish I didn't have to come back but I have to.
Still acting like it's all my fault, he's the wronged party. I hate how he makes me feel.
It's my birthday next week: happy birthday me sad

FrancyMgo Sat 02-Feb-13 04:35:33

Obscured, I have to go now but you can Private message if you want to chat. Please listen to BakingWithToddler also, she's bang on 😉there are people out there that can help and share xxxx

FrancyMgo Sat 02-Feb-13 04:22:00 are totally right!! Absolutely. X

FrancyMgo Sat 02-Feb-13 04:19:31

Whether you like the term or not Obscured, you are being emotionally abused in a sense. To be on edge, like me, anxious of his moods/behaviour isn't right is it? Can you remember a time in your life without him? With someone else who perhaps let you breathe/be yourself? If you can then remember that time and remember that you have every right to feel that way EVERY bloody day, ok we all have ups, downs and off days but you shouldn't have to get used to systematically feeling like hell on earth. Pretty soon you won't expect anything else. You and your DCs deserve better Obscured..

BakingWithToddler Sat 02-Feb-13 04:13:25

DD up again for another feed!

Him turning it all around on you is called gaslighting. Making you doubt yourself, doubt the real version of events. All designed to keep you in your place, dancing to his tune and even asking him which steps to perform.

Stop trying to understand why he does these things. It is enough to know that he behaves this way and that it is an unacceptable way to live.

FrancyMgo Sat 02-Feb-13 04:12:57

I understand EXACTLY its the same for me.
Flies off the handle at drop of a hat, no logic to it at all. Sorry if my replies are stunted but I too am on phone lying next to him at mo.
I question myself too, or did, not anymore. If it weren't for the effect of his behaviour (occasionally) seen by DCs I think I'd just smile to myself and laugh at his nuttiness because it is actually amazing and laughable! But the worry is the children and how/if they are picking up on this. What do you think? Are you DCs ever witness to his flare ups?

ObscuredByClouds Sat 02-Feb-13 04:03:02

*the way he turns it round onto me

Hate this phone!

ObscuredByClouds Sat 02-Feb-13 04:02:16

I try to make sense of it all the time but know I never will. Thecwaybhe turns it found into be each time is beginning to get to me. I've pointed out to him that I know I haven't done anything but he laughs and keeps saying sarcastically that im perfect etc, that it's just him. Massive sarcasm there from him. I know I'm not perfect but his reactions are frankly bizarre.
On edge a lot, yes.

FrancyMgo Sat 02-Feb-13 03:55:10

You are not thick. You seem to truly understand what he's doing here. Tell me, how many times have you tried to make sense of his actions? Too many I bet. I know because I do the same.
You are trying to put logic to his (totally irrational) behaviour. Why? Because you need to make it make sense to you. Does it? Of course not, then the more you try to work it out it chips away at your own sanity. You question yourself and that's not good. Not for you of you DCs.
Does he feel like a time bomb? Are you on edge all the time?

ObscuredByClouds Sat 02-Feb-13 03:44:18

How do you mean francey? H tells me I'm thick and never listen or understand. I know I'm not but it's interesting you say I'm bring logical. Could you be more specific so I can get my head round this?
Sorry if you've been through similar.

FrancyMgo Sat 02-Feb-13 03:40:18

I understand your situation all too well, really do x

FrancyMgo Sat 02-Feb-13 03:38:18

You seem to have an incredibly logical head. One thing you must never do is question YOU. The very fact that you are taking time to put logic to it tells me that you are in the wrong relationship. Try to give yourself calm time and space to make the right decision.

ObscuredByClouds Sat 02-Feb-13 03:35:01

Thank you toddler, you've been really kind x

BakingWithToddler Sat 02-Feb-13 03:33:59

DD finally seems to have settled so I'm off to sleep. Hope you're okay Obscured.

BakingWithToddler Sat 02-Feb-13 03:32:45

X post. Call his bluff on Sunday then. Let that be your impetus.

This time change the locks, go no contact. Keep your distance from him, regardless of his health condition, until you've had some time and space to build your resolve to divorce him.

You deserve better.

BakingWithToddler Sat 02-Feb-13 03:29:17

You don't need an impetus, an excuse.

You don't need to justify a divorce in terms you think others will accept

It is enough that you're unhappy

Don't let his ill health become a reason you can't divorce him. "In sickness and in health" only counts if he's not a manipulative knob, and if he'd support you through ill health as well as you've been supporting him.

If you think you want to end it try to give yourself a deadline for having kicked him out, or for a final chance. Don't tell him this. Having a date in mind will help to ensure you don't drift. You can spend time making plans, daydreaming about life without the atmosphere he creates, start laying foundations for single life (night classes or an activity if you're worried about being lonely)

Whether you remain in the marriage or not just remember you have a right to respect and consideration.

ObscuredByClouds Sat 02-Feb-13 03:26:12

I don't think it will only take the discovery of an affair to end it. I'm fairly certain he will say he's ending it anyway on Sunday (he did tonight !) so I guess I should really just shrug and say ok, go.

badinage Sat 02-Feb-13 03:22:50

But why would it take that? Isn't all the rest of it enough reason to end it?

But if that's what it takes with you, get snooping. I reckon you'll find something.

In the unlikely event that you don't, please don't put up with this a moment longer.

ObscuredByClouds Sat 02-Feb-13 03:18:22

How would I feel? It's a deal breaker for me, 100%. But I'd also feel surprised. And amazed considering his health!
It would certainly be the impetus to finish it.

BakingWithToddler Sat 02-Feb-13 03:15:05

How would you feel if you did discover an affair? I suspect you may feel relief.

You don't need to be hit, cheated on, stolen from or sexually assaulted in order to have a reason to end a marriage. Being unhappy and unwilling to tolerate an arsey knob of a husband is enough.

BakingWithToddler Sat 02-Feb-13 03:06:13

You're bewildered because you, as a logical person, are trying to understand a seemingly illogical event.

He doesn't think like you, like a normal kind person does. He's trying to mess with your head and he's succeeding.

When you stop trying to make sense of things and accept that it is all calculated to wrong foot you, you'll be able to start to get angry and get rid!

ObscuredByClouds Sat 02-Feb-13 03:03:11

Never suspected him and he's open with all his emails/fb etc. truly in my heart of hearts I really don't think he's cheated at all.
But that isn't the point. He's still treating me badly.

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