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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Ummm...confused.com!

44 replies

ObscuredByClouds · 02/02/2013 01:33

Hi all,
Is there any reason you can think of as to why someone would start a row in front of DCs when things between us had been going great? I'd been having time off work to stave off an oncoming migraine but other than that we had been getting on great, tons of love and affection. He told me I was acting and didn't believe me, that I don't get migraines as he knows what they're like and I only get 'bad headaches'. This really upset me and he laughed and said, go on, cry then. This came from nothing. We had been snuggling on sofa and there hadn't been a cross word between us.
Tonight he brought home chocs 'for no reason' and went to bed early. He was blocked up and after an hour of him snuffling I turned the light on to ask him to blow his nose and he lost it. I'm selfish, needy, thick...you name it. I tried to reason with him but he keeps referring to our last six years together and refuses to acknowledge what angst he's causing currently. This has now culminated in him leaving the house with the underlying threat to end the marriage. I'm really confused!

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Reaa · 02/02/2013 01:51

The first thought that came in to my head is he is feeling guilty of what I don't know but the starting arguments over nothing and the sudden gift all point to the guilt direction. But this is just what I think.

BakingWithToddler · 02/02/2013 01:52

To be honest he sounds like a petulant child having a tantrum. However, trying to find a possible reason...

Is he worried about money at the moment and therefore about the impact your time off work will have on the finances? (Even if this is the case he's still being ridiculous to storm off rather than discuss this rationally.)

Picking fights - trying to provoke you into saying something vile to him so he feels better about his outbursts.

Veiled threats to end marriage - wants you to either start begging, pleading and massaging his ego or to agree so he can leave guilt-free.

Any way I look at it he appears to be a twat. What is he like usually? Does he share house and children responsibilities willingly and without complaint? Do you usually feel able to speak freely with him, not "walking on eggshells" or trying to calm his mood? In other words, is this genuinely out of character or a sudden progression from previous less-twatty-but-twatty-nontheless behaviour?

SolidGoldBrass · 02/02/2013 01:54

He sounds like a dick, and it also sounds like the 'getting on great' is a rare occurrence, ie it's part of a traditional abuse cycle.

ObscuredByClouds · 02/02/2013 01:58

Thanks for the replies. He's behaved like this previously but not for quite a while and as I said things have been better than ever for ages. We had literally been cuddling and saying how much we wanted each other not 5 minutes before his outburst 2 nights ago. He's sent texts with lots of kisses today which admittedly I didn't reciprocate but I'm just so bloody wary and confused.
I often don't feel I can talk openly but that seems to have improved lately. He has threatened to leave us many times.
My being off work for 2 days will not have any financial implications.
We had all our friends to stay at the weekend and had such a great time. I really don't know what is going on.

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ObscuredByClouds · 02/02/2013 02:03

Oh, I do most of the housework, all the cooking but I get home before him. He dropped a day at work a while back due to his health but we are managing. He cares for his elderly parents a lot when not working.
No real child care issues as they are older but I guess I'm the main carer as such.

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BakingWithToddler · 02/02/2013 02:07

"I often don't feel I can talk openly but that seems to have improved lately" - THIS is why he's done it. You're getting too comfortable again, starting to feel free to express yourself so he's done this to put you back in your place, being wary about what you say / do so you don't upset him. Storming off tonight and threatening (again) to end the marriage is because you didn't respond to his kissy texts as he thinks you should. He's trying to teach you a lesson.

Personally, the lesson I think you should learn from this is that he hasn't changed. He is showing you who he is and that person is a controlling twat who feels no compunction about starting a fight over nothing in front of his children, just to put you on your toes again, dancing to his tune.

Perhaps he's also run out of "Mr Nice Guy" energy after having spent all weekend performing the role for your friends.

Call his bluff - tell him you'll be seeking legal advice on Monday. Whilst you're waiting for the fucker to come back try to grab any financial documents and scan / photograph them as I guarantee that if you do decide to end the marriage, he won't play fair with a divorce.
(NB. Legal Aid for divorces ends in April so you'll need to get the ball rolling before then in order to continue to receive Legal Aid.)

ObscuredByClouds · 02/02/2013 02:15

You may have a point. But I just cannot get my head round it. When I ask him to pinpoint what lit his touch paper the other night he just tells me i will be we understand so refers no point?!?
House etc in my name only so don't think he'd get anything. DCs aren't his.
I did ask him to leave once before but he came back a day later as his health had deteriorated. I let him back on the understanding it was temporary and things have been on the whole better since then. But now they are not.

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ObscuredByClouds · 02/02/2013 02:15

Aldi doubt I'm entitled to legal aid as I work.

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ObscuredByClouds · 02/02/2013 02:17

Also, not aldi. Stupid phone...

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BakingWithToddler · 02/02/2013 02:38

You're not meant to get your head round it. He wants you to spend your time second guessing him so that you don't have a moment of clarity and kick him out.

If your children were in relationships like this, would you advise them to end it? If it isn't good enough for your children then it isn't good enough for you to live in or for them to live with.

The house is yours, the children are yours so any split could be final. Get the locks changed now and let him return from his tantrum to find his things bagged up on the doorstep. Enough is enough. Life's too short.

Don't let his mind games and amazingly fortunate timing of ill health trap you

ObscuredByClouds · 02/02/2013 02:45

He's back already! On the sofa though. Will have to just deal with the atmosphere until dsd goes home Sunday evening although tbh I'm losing the will to talk it through with him. It won't get resolved and it'll all be my fault.
We are meant to be having a family day out in Sunday and really font want to let the kids down. It's so rare his dd stays for a full weekend and we were all looking forward to it :(
I think it's time I grew (another) backbone isn't it?

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badinage · 02/02/2013 02:45

This is just a big cock-waving power trip and you fall for it every time.

Someone who keeps leaving, threatening to leave and then being let back into the relationship is just going to keep doing it to exact power and reassert who is the boss in the relationship.

My hunch is that every time he does this, he engineers a row out of nowhere because he's planned to be somewhere else. I'd be thinking of an affair, escorts or hook-ups he's met on a dating site.

ObscuredByClouds · 02/02/2013 02:50

While I can see where you're coming from I'm not convinced there's an OW etc although I could be wrong. Mainly because he comes back too quickly and he's only ever left once before. He gets lots of freedom but chooses not to use it overly. I dunno, I'd be surprised. I just think he's an arse.

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BakingWithToddler · 02/02/2013 02:53

While you're dealing with the atmosphere and growing another backbone, start to research good local divorce solicitors and get some advice from the legal board here so at least you feel you're making some preliminary "get out of dysfunctional marriage" plans, even if you don't use them this time. And try to get angry in your head at him. The anger will propell you into action. Start by thinking about who does most of the making up after his threats to end the marriage. My money's on you. You could also list all of the times you remember him having a go at you for no reason, and maybe adding whether or not you did the majority of the repair work after each of those occasions.

ObscuredByClouds · 02/02/2013 02:55

Plus he didn't leave the night of the row... That was 2 nights ago. Tonight happened because I turned the light on at 1am to ask him to blow his noise following an hour of runny nosed snuffling.

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BakingWithToddler · 02/02/2013 02:56

My gut says arsey selfish twat rather than cheating scumbag. Either way, what's worth keeping?

ObscuredByClouds · 02/02/2013 02:58

Will take a look at the legal boards, thank you.
I do feel angry but currently I feel mostly bewildered.
Reading back my post about tonight's incident it just sounds so stupid.

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ObscuredByClouds · 02/02/2013 02:59

X post..my gut says the same as yours toddler

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badinage · 02/02/2013 03:00

Right, be honest here.

If you found out that he was seeing other women, would that convince you to throw out his sorry arse on the pavement?

Have you ever had any suspicions that he's up to something like that and snooped?

This bloke sounds like such a monumental abusive fuckwit that I'd be bloody amazed if he hadn't been putting it about - and if that's what it takes to get you a backbone then go searching. Whether he is or isn't doesn't matter though. He needs to get the fuck out and you need to stop letting him come back. He doesn't respect you.

ObscuredByClouds · 02/02/2013 03:03

Never suspected him and he's open with all his emails/fb etc. truly in my heart of hearts I really don't think he's cheated at all.
But that isn't the point. He's still treating me badly.

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BakingWithToddler · 02/02/2013 03:06

You're bewildered because you, as a logical person, are trying to understand a seemingly illogical event.

He doesn't think like you, like a normal kind person does. He's trying to mess with your head and he's succeeding.

When you stop trying to make sense of things and accept that it is all calculated to wrong foot you, you'll be able to start to get angry and get rid!

BakingWithToddler · 02/02/2013 03:15

How would you feel if you did discover an affair? I suspect you may feel relief.

You don't need to be hit, cheated on, stolen from or sexually assaulted in order to have a reason to end a marriage. Being unhappy and unwilling to tolerate an arsey knob of a husband is enough.

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ObscuredByClouds · 02/02/2013 03:18

How would I feel? It's a deal breaker for me, 100%. But I'd also feel surprised. And amazed considering his health!
It would certainly be the impetus to finish it.

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badinage · 02/02/2013 03:22

But why would it take that? Isn't all the rest of it enough reason to end it?

But if that's what it takes with you, get snooping. I reckon you'll find something.

In the unlikely event that you don't, please don't put up with this a moment longer.

ObscuredByClouds · 02/02/2013 03:26

I don't think it will only take the discovery of an affair to end it. I'm fairly certain he will say he's ending it anyway on Sunday (he did tonight !) so I guess I should really just shrug and say ok, go.

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