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Need advice Please! Exhusband/affair/reb
uilding my life etc etc LONG!
So this is my first time posting about my experience and I guess it has been reading the thread about good people cheating that has made me want to post.
My husband left me in the summer- claiming to want space etc.. a week in to this I discovered evidence of an affair and consequently realised he didn't want to work on anything.
It was a terrible shock as I had no idea and really was left reeling by it. My default setting was to blame myself as I knew that I had a lot of shit going on and had been unhappy, put weight on all that kind of thing.
We hardly addressed anything, had no counselling apart from 1 awful session..
He was just gone, and moved back to his old house with the ow.Someone from work, they are still together. Whenever we did meet, he was full of justifications and blame on me for how unhappy he had been in the marriage. He never ever spoke about this previously. If he was so unhappy, he certainly didn't address it or speak out. Even in february, he spoke about how he had never been so happy and couldn't wait for the next 7 years. Obvs before he met the ow.
We did have a rough patch the year before as I had a bad patch of depression revisiting and working through a bereavement. I thought we got through it.
We had been very happy even in our last few months together. He had started a new job and loved it, and was out a lot. It was a very social funky kind of job. I was pleased he had finally found his niche and had a good social time. I was always very trusting of him, so didn't give him a tough time about being out a lot as I genuinely believed he would never start an affair or anything like that. But he did.
These boards were amazing, and I gained a lot from reading others experiences and the advice given (especially inspiring Dollydaydream). About that time (october) I finally cut contact and ignored his texts etc He then started contacting me alot and in november did the whole 'Ive made a mistake can we work it out' foolishly I saw him, but knew he would change his mind again.. which he did a week later. This set me back completely.
Anyway- skipping to it! I have had an amazing few months since this has happened, really worked on myself and learnt so much about who I am, how to rebuild myself and how to move on from this through being positive and strong. Knowing that I will have a good life. It has been the making of me in some ways.
He has wanted to see me a lot recently. Each weekend for the last few weeks but I have not wanted to.. He sent an email this week as we were texting on saturday, and I had sent him info about what was happening with regards to the house that I am buying him out. I then spoke about how I have moved forward with my life and what I have realised..
He replied with this:
' I miss you massively you know. I still love you, I still care for you, and I want you to be happy as you deserve that. The last year has been shocking in so many ways and I am never going to feel good about how I have done things but it does make me realise how difficult I was finding things. And I still don't know why in truth. I can be about Sunday if you want to meet up.'
So the advice that I need is what to do with this.. I haven't responded so far.. I didn't put anything about wanting to meet up.I get that he misses me, i'm sure he does but..
I just don't know what to say.. There is so much that he is probably still blaming the marriage for rather than realising he walked into a distraction rather than addressing his feelings. I have done so much work to process it all and I don't think he has. Apart from yes i imagine he probably is much happier now! It is like he has gone back to where he was when we met- it still hurts and although part of me wants to see him and talk about things, I want to protect myself from hurt also.
Sorry this is long. I don't want to spend time talking about this with my friends as I am now trying to have a positive outlook to the future.
What should I do?! Is there any point to talking?!
Charbon - I think trusting your happy memories is one of the hardest things to do. XH has destroyed mine and I have found it easier just to write them off and accept that my life wasn't what I thought it was. It has freed me to move on.
OP - you are doing really well - like the others as there are no dcs involved I would restrict contact to business emails and nothing else. It can be hard when there are mutual friends that you both see but I think the same rules apply as with dcs. Keep it civil, don't slag off the ex and don't try and get them to take sides. (not that you were asking for advice on that). Stay strong.
It's good that writing off your memories has freed you duffy but IME it's much more productive to look at the situation rationally and instead of thinking that you were living a lie and had poor judgement about the happiness in your relationship for years, think back to when your partner started living a lie and distorting reality to fit his new circumstances. I've found it really helpful to get people talking about their memories before their partners met someone else, focusing particularly on what their partners were saying and doing as regards the relationship, during those times. This often proves to them that their partners were lying to themselves as much as them, with their claims of longstanding but unexpressed unhappiness. With the conclusion that there was a very good reason why a partner failed to express his unhappiness before his affair.
It didn't exist
Charbon - but I don't know when he first got involved with someone else. I know of 2 OW plus an EA but there could have been more. I found I was torturing myself trying to work out when he had been happy. One of my fondest memories of a trip we had together but I now know he was in the midst of an affair at the time. I looked at how he was when we married and through new eyes I can see that he wasn't happy then. It's less damaging for me just to write it off, but that's just me.
Ah duffy, repeat philanderers are never really happy whoever they are with, but that unhappiness comes from within and can never be counteracted by just one person or one relationship. If setting yourself free means feeling no responsibility for his behaviour, that's good.
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