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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Am I being unreasonable...?

19 replies

superbabysmummy · 01/02/2013 20:18

DD is 14 weeks old & is a Mummy's girl, especially during & after the witching hour. DH is taking this really personally & tonight we have had a row about it, we are currently not speaking!

I put her to bed & about an hour later she woke up, he went to see her & she cried ... I left it as long as I could bear it (which was quite a while) because I think she needs to settle with her daddy too, after a few mins she was getting more and more inconsolable so I went & took her, she immediately stopped crying and went back to bed, he thinks I should have left him too it however I am not going to let her cry like that knowing a cuddle from me will fix it. He seems to think that she's learning to 'manipulate' me, I on the other hand think she's 3 months old & it's to be expected!

I feel bad for him because when he gets in from work she is tired & ready for bed so he only really gets the bet of her at the weekends so I know it must be hard but when she's a bit older it'll come full circle & it will be all about daddy. He seems to have let this get the better of him & am sure this effects the vibes he gives to DD. It's creating a vicious circle.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

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jkklpu · 01/02/2013 20:23

She's still very tiny and, esp if you're bf-ing, this is to be expected; she's not manipulative, she's just very wee still. How much time does he spend with her at weekends? Does he bathe her, for example, or hold her much of the time?

superbabysmummy · 01/02/2013 20:28

He does hold her, bathe her & clearly thinks the world of her... There is a 'but', but I can't put my finger on it...

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superbabysmummy · 01/02/2013 20:30

I don't think he is 100% comfortable ... What do I do?

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BabyBorn · 01/02/2013 20:31

Totally not being unreasonable.

Your daughter is certainly not manipulating you, she is behaving very naturally in wanting her mummy. She is still very young and obviously spends most of her time just you and her.

Your husband needs to stop taking it so personally and try to understand that its not him, she's just behaving like a normal young baby.

It's hard for you not to want to interveen sooner also and your doing the tight thing in waiting and then going to.comfort her yourself.

Are you breastfeeding by any chance?

Xales · 01/02/2013 20:31

Give him one of your tops you have worn to snuggle her with so she can smell you plus him and see if that helps.

She is still tiny however at some stage she will need to settle for others, the sooner you can make this happen the better for everyone.

superbabysmummy · 01/02/2013 20:42

Good idea re.top & agree. I am back to work in 3 months (sob) & need her to settle with others as she will be going to a child minder ...

Nope formula feeding, sadly I was unable to breast feed.

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BabyBorn · 01/02/2013 21:02

I breastfeed and our daughter is very clingy to me, she's almost 10 months. What we did was I deal with all the times dd is upset, tired or obviously hungry and daddy does play time and hugs if she's hurt herself etc. If you need to go back to work then I would try introducing daddy/ someone else into the mix gradually and see how she gets on. Also leaving something with your hsmell on for after you start going back to work would be a good idea, like others have said. X

FastidiaBlueberry · 01/02/2013 21:03

Babies do not manipulate adults.

That's something every parent needs to know actually.

MortifiedAdams · 01/02/2013 21:06

As she is formula feeding, could you leave them to in the daytime a little bit? Go out for a couple of hours tomorrow or have a long lie in and a bath.

She may be more amenable when its daytime.

OxfordBags · 01/02/2013 21:22

In the nicest way possible, he needs to get over himself. Babies will always favour their primary caregiver, it's genetically hotwired in every person born to continue the species!

A baby's job is not to make anyone feel good about themselves or feel loved. They also cannot manipulate anyone, it is psychologically way, way beyond them. Again, to ensure their survival, it is not just good, but totally right and essential that a baby knows he or she can cry and their mother will go to them. It sickens me that so many people see this biological imperative as some sly subterfuge on the part of infants. He shouldn't be taking it personally, he should be pleased that she knows her needs will be met by you.

He sounds a little self-obsessed and insecure. This obsession with having her love him is a bit... immature. You say he adores her, but to me, the whole thing smacks of him not actually feeling that bonded with her and the whole 'she doesn't love me' thing is transference, ie he's actually fretting about the veracity of his feelings for her.

Btw, children don't experience or feel love in the way we recognise until they are about 18 months. Tell him that if it helps!

superbabysmummy · 01/02/2013 21:28

I am going out in the morning to see a friend for coffee, she seems much better in the day & she'll be fine with him for an hour or so.

I know she's not being manipulative ... I don't think he means quite how it how it's coming across either, he thinks she has learnt if she cries I'll cuddle her (can't see what's wrong with that if I am honest, it's kinda what I was going for!)

He desperately wants to be able to soothe her, she's fine with him as long as she is happy... It's when she's unhappy it goes wrong.

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superbabysmummy · 01/02/2013 21:30

A Little harsh Oxford but thanks for taking the time to write

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SquinkiesRule · 01/02/2013 23:08

Soon enough they turn to Daddy. My boys would drop me like a hot potato when Daddy came home from work once they were toddlers, it was Daddy daddy daddy!

thirdfromleft · 01/02/2013 23:15

I will go ahead and say that you did the wrong thing.

The only way that he will develop a relationship with his child is if you do in fact "let him get on with it". Parenting is a learned skill, and it's only by spending time trying to console her that he will learn what works. Stepping in prevents this process.

I can understand his frustration all too well, it sounds like he is trying hard and feels like he can't succeed. What is important is that you support his efforts, show you have faith in him as a father and learn to walk away. Otherwise you risk reinforcing an idea that he's not good enough to do it, which is a terrible seed to plant.

OxfordBags · 01/02/2013 23:16

She is meant to learn to cry to make you come to her, ffs!

superbabysmummy · 02/02/2013 06:39

That's exactly it thirdfromleft, that's what is happening however I a can't let her cry, it breaks my heart ... My argument is like Oxford says... I can't let her cry knowing I can make her stop!

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Titchyboomboom · 02/02/2013 07:02

Me and dh fell out over this too, and it brewed and brewed until he thought I was saying he wasn't a good dad He, however, never spent daytimes playing etc so with a second I would massively encourage this, esp if bottle fed. I had the added issue of bf baby who wouldn't drink from a bottle and was feeding every 2 hours, 24 hours a day

HoratiaWinwood · 02/02/2013 12:21

You said you left him to it, but rescued her and him after a few minutes.

It probably felt like half an hour to you, and half a minute to him.

Perhaps go where you can't hear - put headphones on or go to the other end of the house, and set a timer so you can see how long it really has been. Agree that you won't "come to give him a break" until it has been ten minutes (say) and teach him all your tricks - holding her against your throat, what songs you sing, what words you murmur, etc. And if he can't cope before that, he comes to find you.

It will be ok. He needs to learn that he is just as good as you are, and you haven't given either of them the chance to prove it yet. Please do.

SorryMyLollipop · 02/02/2013 13:05

You said you left him to it, but rescued her and him after a few minutes.

It probably felt like half an hour to you, and half a minute to him.

Perhaps go where you can't hear - put headphones on or go to the other end of the house, and set a timer so you can see how long it really has been. Agree that you won't "come to give him a break" until it has been ten minutes (say) and teach him all your tricks - holding her against your throat, what songs you sing, what words you murmur, etc. And if he can't cope before that, he comes to find you.

It will be ok. He needs to learn that he is just as good as you are, and you haven't given either of them the chance to prove it yet. Please do.

This ^

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