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Was I wrong and what do I do now. I can't think straight

(83 Posts)
mummywithnosleep Fri 01-Feb-13 08:03:36

Hi all

I've been with dp for 9 years we have dd 4( nearly 5)

I have a history of abusive partners but dp has never been anything but safe

He had a very tough time when dd was born, I've posted about it before but after 2 very bad years I thought we were through it and for the last 2 years he had been a good dad

Over the weekend dd didn't want to get dressed ( back ground she had the night before been give a new set if pjs they where pink with hearts a hood and built in feet plus they where über soft) anyway I had been explaining to dd that if she didn't get changed she couldn't go out to the park

Dp came into the room listened for 5 secs and lost the plot he got down on her face a bodily screamed at her for maybe 2 mins ie as long as it took me to standup and walk over to them. I said stop you are frightening her ( he was frightening me) and tried to get between them and dp push me back and screamed in my face to back him up or go away. He then picked dd up and ran up stairs with her and continued to scream at her and then I heard him slap her

I went up stairs and managed to convince do to let me get dd dressed he wondered about shocking socks on her ect and then went down stairs and didn't speak to me or dd and we left 30 min later after I had calm dd down

Now later on dp and I had a chat and I told him I was reconsidering our relationship and he told me I was over reacting and that what he did was my fault

Dp did not have a good childhood

But I don't know what I think or feel at the moment I feel panicky if I have to leave dd and dp alone together

mummywithnosleep Fri 01-Feb-13 11:57:42

Its a bit difficult to explain he is working with me, but its a job I have always done and not one he could do on his own.

I can´t clear my head and think properly. I don´t know what I´m going to do about this.

I just want to talk to DP but he hates that sort of thing.

LondonNinja Fri 01-Feb-13 13:33:04

OP, I feel so bad for you.

You need to ask - what is the alternative? Get married to a man who 'hates' your daughter and physically abuses her and sounds like he is the antithesis of what a husband should be.

He sounds very difficult indeed. Do you want this man tied to you for years to come?? He SLAPPED your child FGS. What's next?

Lueji Fri 01-Feb-13 14:34:52

How do you see staying together with your "D"P?

Because this will happen again. He said so.

At this time, and because you are quite rightly worried about visitation, maybe you should contact SS.
Because you should be asking for supervised visits. And not by you, BTW.

JugglingFromHereToThere Fri 01-Feb-13 15:00:58

I do understand that maybe part of you would like to make it work - but it's looking pretty un-workable as a relationship to me sad

Everyone who's been with anyone at all abusive says it almost always gets worse.

You might have another baby together ? And go through all that un-caring lack of support and non-engagement with the baby by him again ?
Stress of two DC's plus him feeling more secure through marriage might enable/ result in his behaviour getting much worse.

Have you talked to him at least about not getting married in 3 weeks time ?

waltermittymissus Fri 01-Feb-13 15:08:06

I feel panicky if I have to leave dd and dp alone together

This jumped out at me. You can't leave a child with her own father?

He doesn't think he's done anything wrong?

He seemed to hate her?

He needs to leave. Today. Tell him to pack his bags and go. He needs extensive work so he can a) see what's wrong with what he did and b) work on whatever issues he has that makes him think it's ok to terrorise a defenceless child.

Tell him IF he manages to do these things and make a complete turnaround, he can come back. Until then he is not safe to have around your dd and he is certainly not healthy for either of you.

Lueji Fri 01-Feb-13 15:25:50

I've just noticed about the wedding.

Don't! For your DDs sake.

Even if you don't leave him right now.

mummywithnosleep Fri 01-Feb-13 15:35:02

I know you are all right. I know if this was someone else I would be near screaming by now at the scream. I just don't know what to do

I know everything you are saying is true

I know that this really is unforgivable

I know that dd can not grow up in fear

It just I'm scared and I don't want to make the wrong decision and if I talk to him he gets me so confused I start to feel I'm wrong even when Im right

I need someone to talk to and I can't think who

HotDAMNlifeisgood Fri 01-Feb-13 15:43:08

Speak to us.
Speak to a counsellor.
Open up to your best and most trusted friend.
And speak to a family lawyer about your legal and financial rights re: DD after a split.

Definitely don't talk to him: he does not have yours or DD's best interests at heart. Only his own.

Jux Fri 01-Feb-13 16:02:35

His behaviour has been escalating. Now he's terrified a tiny little girl (big man, huh?) and slapped her.

Please kick him out.

He's brought it all on himself, and should no longer take up space in your regard.

At least postpone the wedding?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 01-Feb-13 16:20:01

So he's not a fan of MN? there's a surprise. You need to stand up for your DD and yourself. A wedding in 3 weeks, a marriage of how long? How easily could you separate DD from her father once you are married? It is hard and maybe the end of your dream of a life with this man but right now as things stand he is going to raise his voice (or later fist) every time you or DD cross a line. You will find yourself adjusting behaviour or shushing her so as not to aggravate him. That is not engendering respect in children, it is teaching them "Do this OR ELSE".

He had a very tough time when dd was born and it was no picnic for you, either. She isn't yet 5 so for a large part of her life he's been more of a hindrance than help.

Dp did not have a good childhood Shame on him for re-visiting that upon your DD.

Adults often feel under pressure or bowed down with stress, it does not excuse acting in an aggressive or inimidating fashion. Generally if people manage not to blow their top at other adults, friends or colleagues, there is no reason why they can't exercise control at home.

Please get some good sound legal advice.

Lueji Fri 01-Feb-13 16:27:07

Leaving, in this case, it's not a bad decision.
At worst, you give it some time to figure it out and for stillP to turn himself around.
At best, you get rid of a very dangerous person.

But, in the event that all decisions are bad, what do you think is the worst outcome:

a) leaving with DD, then exP turns around into a beautiful person and marries someone else (or you decide to get back together)
b) staying with DD, marrying DP, who proceeds to beat or scare DD regularly, and possibly you too. You then decide to leave but have to go through difficult divorce. (this is the best outcome if you decide to stay, BTW, as you may never leave...)

I know the bad outcome I'd prefer.

Chances of a) happening: 1%
Chances of b) happening: 90%

JugglingFromHereToThere Fri 01-Feb-13 16:33:55

Dear mummywithnosleep

Ask yourself a basic question .... do you really want to marry this man after all that has happened. If not, then don't !

Maybe it's good in some ways that you have a wedding on the near horizon ...
it could help you to make the difficult choice you need to make ?

If you ask him to leave how do you think that will go ?

soulresolution Fri 01-Feb-13 16:51:24

Tell him to leave. If he can't even understand how messed up he is then there's no hope of improvement.

You are in a strong position - you will be able to cope financially, you already do all the care of your dd so don't need him for that and once he's out he won't even be in the same country so will have minimal impact on your life with your dd.

waltermittymissus Fri 01-Feb-13 17:24:09

You get confused when you speak to him because abusers are masters of manipulation. He will twist and turn everything you say until you're tied up in knots.

He doesn't like MN because you are being exposed to outside influences here. Logical, experienced people over whom he has no control are looking at the situation and telling you that lines are being crossed.

Abusers rely on isolation to continue their abuse. You start listening to people saying it's wrong and all of a sudden his ties loosen up a little.

There is NO way of fixing this while he's around. There just isn't. You can't go to counselling together because abusers thrive in couples therapy as it's just another power tool for them.

You are facing a huge decision and it's not easy but you deserve better and so does your dd. You've been here before. You know all of this. You just need to take the final step.

Jux Sat 02-Feb-13 01:08:13

He's been hitting objects. Now he's hitting dd (whom he acts like he hates). He pushed you and screamed at you.

Send him back to UK. Worry about contact later. Most abusers tend to forget about children of past relationships once they've moved on to the new gf, got other children to terrorise.

Have you reported him? I do think you should, if only to protect yourself and dd in the event he does something else.

KeatsiePie Sat 02-Feb-13 08:41:43

Holy shit. I gasped when I got to the part about the slap. The fact that he lifted her and ran away, knowing you would not be able to catch up, so that he could hit her -- I really think that means he knew, even in the moment, how very very wrong that was.

Can you try to put the wedding right out of your mind for a bit? Just put it aside so you can do what you need to do. Which, I agree, is get him out. I understand your getting confused about what to do when he's around, it's perfectly normal to be stressed and feel torn, but can we help you find a counselor to help you stay centered? Are you in the US?

You sound very strong. You know you'll be okay on your own. And you know you can't give him another chance to do that. And you know he will.

I'm very sorry.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Sat 02-Feb-13 09:29:22

Mummy how are you today?

TheFallenNinja Sat 02-Feb-13 09:50:15

Ok, so a grown adult slaps a 4 year old and cannot guarantee that it cannot happen again.

So, what's next? What happens when the slap doesn't work? A kick, a punch, a strap maybe, maybe in a few years something more degrading will be used?

It may, it may not but the point is that you don't know and can't know.

Whichever way you look at this it WILL only get worse.

You know what you must do, I only hope you don't delay.

TippiShagpile Sat 02-Feb-13 09:58:26

Your partner hated your daughter for the first two years of her life

He screamed at her and assaulted her at the age of 4

This situation will only get worse and I think you know that

You need to get out of this relationship - for your daughter's sake

LemonDrizzled Sat 02-Feb-13 10:02:07

Sorry for what you are going through mummy
The mind boggling inability to think straight is familiar to lots of us. Come over to This Thread and you will read about Spaghetti Head Mess which is what we call it. Many of the posters there are in your situation and many more have already got away from an abusive partner and are seeing the benefits for them and their DC.
No rush, take time to think it through. But that will be easier with some time apart from him so you can process what happened.

mummywithnosleep Sat 02-Feb-13 18:59:48

Sorry all it's been a very bad day here and I've not been able to get on line

I phone Dp best friend and explained everything to him

He called Dp today and had a long talk

After which Dp and I had a big row and I told him I needed some space to think. He is going to go and stay with his best mat for a few day to give me some time to think and hopefully he will do the same

I have no idea how I feel at the moment

Dd seems very upset at daddy going on holiday

I'm still very confused Dp basically blames me for our problems which is hard to take and I don't know if he is right? He says I've been very irritable this year and it's made him angry

I will have a look at that thread lemon but I'm not sure I'm up to it at the moment

Feel very shaky and I'm doubting myself massively

Please tell me if I have done the right thing?

amverytired Sat 02-Feb-13 19:07:52

Yes yes yes you have done the right thing - it's not you, it's him.
Please have a look at the 'emotional abuse' thread - the many brave ladies there will help you with all this confusion.
The confusion you are feeling right now is a result of being emotionally abused for so long - that's what it does.
He is blaming you because that is what works for him.

Serendipity30 Sat 02-Feb-13 19:43:36

He hit your child op what is there to be confused about. If you wont accept soneone hitting you why accept it for your child. Even a child who is badly abused will miss their abusive parent, because they dont know any different, so if you decide to stay admit it is for you and not fot her.

JugglingFromHereToThere Sat 02-Feb-13 20:00:22

And I guess DD won't just be upset that Daddy has gone on holiday. She could be upset about him shouting at and smacking her the other day. Upset because she sees you are. Upset because of an air of uncertainty around her. Wondering why you didn't all go "on holiday" together ? Lots to be upset and confused about just now for a 4 year old.
So, change can be hard but it can definitely be for the best. Be strong, especially for DD.
You both deserve a better future x

soulresolution Sat 02-Feb-13 20:16:55

Glad to hear he has gone op. I hope you will be able to take this chance to calm your thoughts and start to clear your mind of the blame he is pushing on you.

Up-thread you said I want dd to be safe and happy more than anything in the world. That is a very good thing to focus on to help you be strong. Your dd will not be safe around him: he is becoming more and more angry and resentful and unstable and the last incident shows he has no boundaries to directing his anger at her in a violent way. Your dd will not be happy growing up with an angry unstable father and a fearful, confused mother.

You have had big challenges before and you have dealt with them. Every day your life as an independent woman and loving mother is testament to your strength of character. It's very sad that your p has been messed up by his childhood but only he can make a difference in his life - you can't do it for him, no one can while he refuses to accept responsibility, and if you try he will ruin your life.

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