Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Was I wrong and what do I do now. I can't think straight

(83 Posts)
mummywithnosleep Fri 01-Feb-13 08:03:36

Hi all

I've been with dp for 9 years we have dd 4( nearly 5)

I have a history of abusive partners but dp has never been anything but safe

He had a very tough time when dd was born, I've posted about it before but after 2 very bad years I thought we were through it and for the last 2 years he had been a good dad

Over the weekend dd didn't want to get dressed ( back ground she had the night before been give a new set if pjs they where pink with hearts a hood and built in feet plus they where über soft) anyway I had been explaining to dd that if she didn't get changed she couldn't go out to the park

Dp came into the room listened for 5 secs and lost the plot he got down on her face a bodily screamed at her for maybe 2 mins ie as long as it took me to standup and walk over to them. I said stop you are frightening her ( he was frightening me) and tried to get between them and dp push me back and screamed in my face to back him up or go away. He then picked dd up and ran up stairs with her and continued to scream at her and then I heard him slap her

I went up stairs and managed to convince do to let me get dd dressed he wondered about shocking socks on her ect and then went down stairs and didn't speak to me or dd and we left 30 min later after I had calm dd down

Now later on dp and I had a chat and I told him I was reconsidering our relationship and he told me I was over reacting and that what he did was my fault

Dp did not have a good childhood

But I don't know what I think or feel at the moment I feel panicky if I have to leave dd and dp alone together

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 01-Feb-13 09:34:16

Which country are you in?. Even naming a continent may be helpful if you do not want to name the country.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Fri 01-Feb-13 09:34:31

Yep he is NOT a fan of MN because he knows we would tell you to leave him because he is an emotionally and physically abusive arsehole.

He assaulted your baby after screaming in her face. Why the fuck are you still there?

And the 'tough' two years sounds like an abusive two years.

smornintime Fri 01-Feb-13 09:36:18

This is horrid. I would have trouble staying put if my DH acted this way. I hope you can find some RL support to help you get out if that is what you decide (and I hope it is).
What will you do re the wedding?

smornintime Fri 01-Feb-13 09:37:11

What will you do re the wedding?

Forget I said's off, surely

worldgonecrazy Fri 01-Feb-13 09:39:37

Of course he's not a fan of mumsnet -he doesn't want you having any support (classic abusive behaviour).

You know he's going to do it again but you're staying? That breaks my heart, it really does.

I just want to back up what Bertie was saying. None of that is in any way normal or ok. I'm married to a man who was subjected to this sort of treatment as a child. He still suffers because of it. just yesterday he asked me what did he do to deserve it and why did nobody try and save him. Do you want to hear your daughter say that to you in 10 or 15 years?

AllThatGlistens Fri 01-Feb-13 09:42:28

Oh my god, I'm so afraid for you and your DD sad

There are always amazing people on this board to offer advice, please, please keep reading and posting if you can.

You know this isn't sustainable, don't you? It's terribly unhealthy and an awful, awful situation for your little girl to be in. Please don't think this is normal, he had absolutely no right to subject you or your DD to abusive behaviour like that.

You did absolutely the right thing in telling your parents and asking for advice, now you need to safeguard yourself.

Protect your DD, protect yourself, and please, please get away from this awful excuse of a man sad

mummywithnosleep Fri 01-Feb-13 09:47:29

My own self worth come from Childhood.

The family set up was not the norm, I moved from Devon to Surrey, I was over weight caused by medication, I was clever (Sat my alevels at 14 clever)
Kids can be crule both metally and physically. My parents never really did enough to try and protect me from my problems with other kids.

Kids landed me in hospital for 12 weeks my mother visited twice my father once and once only.

After my accidenct I developed epilepsy and my Dad tried to have my committed. As I was clearly mentally ill NOT epileptic!

I have a sever spinal injury, but I can do anything I put my mind to. I work full time 7 days a week in a semi physical job, I live on very strong pain killers (patches not tablets) and a hand full of tablets everyday for epilepsy and my other medical conditions.

I am cruthes and NOT in a wheel chair because I will NOT give up, the docotors can´t seem to find any reason I am still standing and walking. I am in a lot of pain most all the time but I managed, and I try my best never to let DD know (My moto is I am in Pain I do NOT need to be a pain)

The stupid thing is id DP was sorry and knew he was wrong we could have worked through it, instead I feel like I can´t work out which way is up!

He dislikes mums net, because "people can ruin other peoples lives by words on a scream" I like it cause sometimes I feel very alone and Mn lets me know that other people are alive. Sometimes I like to read about silly things, have a bit of a laugh etc, feel their are other people in the world with worse problems than mine and have a bit of ME time! MN lets me do that

I live on continental Europe where David Beckham become went to play football for a while

Do you need to make plans to cancel or at least postpone getting married ?

Am so sorry this has happened to you both.

Why do you feel very alone?

mummywithnosleep Fri 01-Feb-13 09:53:55

The thing is I have always felt so lucky to have my DP, he has been so wonderful, he has never ever given me any indication that this was even in him.

I stepped in a simialr situation when we were in the UK (different as in older child and physcial abuse) against his boss of all people.

I just can´t help thinking that there must be something wrong with him ie ill right now. But then he seems so "well I was wrong but justified" and it just throughs me again.

seperating now would be difficult, given where we live, DP would need to go back to the UK etc.

In the last year he seems to have got more and more angry (never at dd or even in her presence as he grew up a house of shouting etc) his broken a window (slamming it) kick the door (badly brusied foot) etc. but we are togher 24 hours a day and never get a break. I thought I was just getting on his nerves and it has been a paritularly bad 12 months. Thought everything was gettin on top of him etc.

Got to go again, I will be back I promise

I like MN for the same reasons you do OP smile

(My DH isn't a fan either. He may be right that I spend too much time here, but I worry whether he can be emotionally abusive sometimes too, and always criticising my friends and sources of support sad)

QuietNinjaTardis Fri 01-Feb-13 09:59:16

Please please not marry him. It's been showing you a more violent side over the past year and now he has lashed out at your dd. he will not stop and he will to get better. He has told you that. Leave. Get out and dont look back.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Fri 01-Feb-13 10:01:31

My goodness, you are a strong and resilient woman! You love your daughter and treat her with kindness and support, you survived horrible treatment and neglect as a child, you are in pain but won't let yourself be beaten down by your illness... you're an amazing woman.

Your partner, however, is abusive. He is a dangerous, entitled man who has been resentful of his own child since her birth. And now won't take responsibility for his own behaviour.

He won't change, you can't help him. All you can do is remove yourself and your DD from his unpredictable and soul-sucking behaviour. Everything you describe about his reaction to your DD during her first 2 years, and this weekend's behaviour, is chilling.

amverytired Fri 01-Feb-13 10:05:07

Right, so it was a 'particularly bad' period of about 2 years after your dd was born - and now it has been 'particularly bad' for the last 12 months you say?
How old is your dd? Young enough to wear onesies - so not more than 5-6?
Basically it's been pretty rubbish all the time really hasn't it?
The door kicking, window breaking is all typical behaviour for someone that screams in a child's face and then refuses to admit they were wrong (even worse, takes no responsibility and blames you) - typical abusive behaviour - and that is not even taking into account really of how dreadfully he behaved when you were minding a newborn.

He is abusive - as were your parents - this is why you have problems - you have no normal reference. That's why you are confused, asking if YOU were in the wrong? Honey, it's very clear what is going on here - and it's not you.

Please take some time to see what is happening to you and your dd.

Also I'd say if he had stopped shouting at her when you stepped in and taken himself away to cool down and/or if he'd apologised afterwards it might have been forgivable. But such a long aggressive incident to such a young child, including a slap you heard from downstairs, and no apology or apparent regret afterwards - but telling you it was your fault ? And all that on top of extremely worrying lack of empathy, affection, and engagement with DD when she was a baby ?
I think you're going to have to draw on that really amazing strength of yours and take some action here for DD's sake (as well as for your own well-being)

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Fri 01-Feb-13 10:10:07

mummy I have a feeling i remember who you are, and some of the context of your past threads.

I would urge you to leave. You and your daughter are at risk sad

mummywithnosleep Fri 01-Feb-13 10:19:00

Im not strong nor am I amazing but I am stubborn and I just have to keep on breathing

The thing is can I really protect dd if I tell him to leave? There would be visitation etc when I won't be there to watch out for her

I don't really have any friends out her to talk to

I don't even think I am that happy at the moment I keep thinking about other people not in a romantic way but in total day dream about a different life way don't know if that makes sense?

Pud I don't even know who I am any more!

You are imagining a better future for you and DD.

Go and make it happen woman ! smile

Wondering what circumstances have meant you are living in such an isolated situation ? Has your partner had a hand in things being like this for you do you think ?

Oh, mummywithnosleep, this is awful. So awful for you and your dd. Now you know he is not 'safe', you can't marry him, you need to get away from him and you need to get your dd away.

She has already spent the first nearly five years of her life with her father's hatred and resentment simmering away under the surface. Now this has reared its ugly head, and there is no getting away from it. He sounds very dangerous.

The fact he says you are overreacting tells you all you need to know. If he was a good father he would be mortified and ashamed of himself for what he has done to his daughter, and for how he feels about her.

He has frightened your little girl. And he has frightened you. This is not normal. This is not a way to live.

And it is no way for a little girl to grow up.

How terrifying.

I know its frightening, but you have to leave him/chuck him out.

Just think what the lovely man, the one who saved you, the one who sadly died, would say about this.


Hope you find the strength you need to do what you have to do.

mummywithnosleep Fri 01-Feb-13 10:28:16

Nope this location was my pick! Honest

It's a work from home set up and perfect

Finically dd and I would be ok

Dp would struggle until he found a job and some of the household stuff is his and would have to be replaced but I'd managed

Dd and I would have to stay here it's all she knows plus it's kind of my job not dp

It's such a mess what would happen at visitation? Dp would go back to the uk so it could really be weekends etc it would have to be a week and he would have no support the risks are huge for his temper to blow and dd would be in a strange country he could do so much harm to her

But if Dp and I stay together then what

Sounds like you've already thought about many of the practicalities of splitting up/ him leaving. Maybe you can get some advice about what the arrangements could be for him to see dd ? I'm sure she wouldn't stay with him on his own for a week, you needn't worry about that. He might have short times of supervised access ? Though obviously it is complicated if he returns to UK and will be in a different country ?

worldgonecrazy Fri 01-Feb-13 10:43:38

Are you even sure he would want visitation rights? Maybe he might use that as a stick to beat you with, but from reading your posts I think that his interest would rapidly wane and he would have no interest in spending time with your daughter.

I don't know the legal ins and outs, but surely once she gets to an age where she can vocalise and make rational decisions, she will be able to decide if she wants to see him or not.

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter Fri 01-Feb-13 10:50:20

I think you need legal advice on the visitation side as the laws may be different.
If he's been abusive to her I couldn't imagine him being allowed overnight or long visits here???
Also your assuming he'll want to continue in her life? His disinterest and abusive behaviour would indicate not so much

bestsonever Fri 01-Feb-13 11:47:35

Perhaps he would not try to exercise his visitation rights if he dislikes his DD so much, that could help. I wonder how long you have been out of the country and how long he has not been working, he should be supporting you where he can if not working rather that adding stress to you and your DD.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now