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it was just a series of platonic kisses (with tongues)

(39 Posts)
circlecircles Thu 31-Jan-13 23:07:23

I'd never done it before but my gut told me something had happened. I checked w's email icloud account and found a series of messages revealing an affair between my w and her work colleague. I challenged w without revealing I new about the emails hoping that w would come clean - she didn't until she knew she'd been busted. "It was just a series of afternoon coffees and drinks after work over the last three months, it was platonic, we did kiss (with tongues) a couple of times but our bodies didn't touch and there was no fondling - it was purely platonic not sexual at all". I think this is BS. Could I be wrong?

polarbearwantsfeeding Sat 02-Feb-13 16:40:22

i've done kissing with tongues without bodies touching- imagination people! There was nothing platonic about it though and I'd also not describe it as snogging.

MadAboutHotChoc Sat 02-Feb-13 08:20:34

are just spouting based on how they think they would feel if it happened to them.

Many of us have actually been there...

Unless there is honesty and a willingness on the cheater's part to repair things, the marriage will not survive. You can't expect Op to sweep everything under the carpet.

MrsTerryPratchett Sat 02-Feb-13 00:29:22

It wasn't one strike was it though? It was three months of lying, sneaking around, sober, thought out deceit. If circles comes back and says his DW is sorry, says it was something but it is over and that she will do a lot of work on this. She will think about why it happened, she will work on it not happening, that is a very different thing. As it stands, not this situation.

bodencatalogue Fri 01-Feb-13 22:47:20

MrsTerryPratchett life is not as black and white as you and many people here seem to think it is.

I am absolutely appalled by the one strike and LTB attitude that is so prevalent here.

I can only think that for some of the posters here life has smacked them so hard in the face they can only offer unbalanced advice because what has happened to them has been so traumatic and they haven't got through it yet or they haven't been smacked in the face enough by life to be able to offer mature advice backed up by experience and are just spouting based on how they think they would feel if it happened to them.

The instant labelling of lying, minimising, cheating, bastards needs to be dropped. Yes there are bad people that can easily tell lies but for alot of people caught out the instant reaction is to try and save the situation. We are all human and we all make mistakes.

Mumsnet really need to pin advice and links to professional resources at the top of this board for the common questions being raised because there is some really irresponsible stuff being proffered here under the guise of advice.

MrsTerryPratchett Fri 01-Feb-13 19:44:56

cronullansw AFAIK the MN way has never been to tell everyone. People are frequently told to keep their dignity and NOT plaster it all over FB.

circles' DW is currently lying, minimising, has cheated, is treating him like a moron and your advice is to accept that and move on. How do you move on when that is going on?

cronullansw Fri 01-Feb-13 19:36:37

You have two choices here pal.....

(a) Eat it, work it, shit it. smile Accept it, deal with it and move on: quickly, and don't keep picking the scab or it will never heal.

(b) The MN way. LTB, appoint lawyers now, make copies of emails SMS's etc, tell her to move out, tell all her friends and colleagues about her terrible infidelity, blah blah blah, then come on here for more tips in your strategy to ruin all your lives.

And btw, the tongues / yes, and body contact / no, is plain old bollocks.

Buzzardbird Fri 01-Feb-13 11:34:41

That's what I was thinking strul, how on earth do you get in a position to have a full on tongues snog without touching each other?

She really needs to tell the truth if she wants to save this marraige, don't let her get away with lying to make her look not so bad.

struwelpeter Fri 01-Feb-13 10:01:03

Sorry but idea of kissing with tongues and no body contact made me confused if not grin and two people leaning in for a full-blown snog but keeping arm's length apart.
What planet of idiot does she think you are from?
All that's every written about any cheating/wandering partner applies to you. Sit back, think of what you want for you and your relationship, what you want for your DC, what you think you want in the future from her. What trust or the marriage means to you and how you feel she has betrayed that.
Take your time and don't let her rush you into any quick decisions. Does she still work with him, see him regularly?

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Fri 01-Feb-13 09:37:12

Sorry circles. Don't forgive her, as you say she's an idiot, and that means she would do it again.

Your boy will do better being brought up knowing that cheating is unacceptable.

So sorry circles how shit sad give yourself time and space before making decisions. Look after yourself

Xales Fri 01-Feb-13 09:02:27

Ha sorry phone, fat fingers and autocorrect

MadAboutHotChoc Fri 01-Feb-13 08:51:31

Get Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends - both you and your wife need to read it. It has helped many others on here and will help you process your thoughts and feelings.

I agree your wife is minimising - they always do this. You need to explain that to have any chance of moving on, she needs to be totally honest and transparent - anything else you find out later on will cause a huge setback in your recovery.

Do not make any long term decisions - you will keep changing your mind as you go through various emotions.

Please remember that none of this is your fault - your wife chose to cheat as a way of dealing with her issues, even if there were problems in the marriage, she could have chosen to talk to you instead of having an affair.

minkembra Fri 01-Feb-13 08:30:13

Soz xales know i do typos all the time particularly with my phone's presumptive text... just thought those were quite....Freudian.

minkembra Fri 01-Feb-13 08:28:37

xales making sure she dies is surely a wee bit extreme wink

not to mention 'a little group' shock

bodencatalogue Fri 01-Feb-13 08:13:18

Hi circlescircles really sorry to hear what you are going through. It's not platonic whatever has gone on and you might not want to know the full extent if you want your marriage to succeed.

I was in a similar situation 10 years ago. I caught my wife at the early stages of an affair. We are happily married now. You can work through it if it is something that you both want to do. I will say however that I doubt you will ever trust her completely again.

If it has sunk in that she has made a f up then that's a good thing.

The way I tend to look at is that people do make mistakes, they do get their head turned, both men and women and if you feel you have a relationship worth saving (outside of the fact that you have a son) then it is worth giving it a go.

I would lay the law down that you will not be taken for a fool in future and I would think about asking her to leave you and your son for a weekend "just so that you can get think about it" whereas actually what you want her do is to think about what she stands to lose.

Forgiving her will be an ongoing and possibly lengthy process in my experience and also I wouldn't dwell on the whole thing too much in the future if you do decide to stay together.

Hope that helps.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Fri 01-Feb-13 08:12:49

She has no respect for you, for cheating in the first place, now shes bullshitting, i dont kiss my friends with tongues, she obviously thinks your a twat, thinking you'll believe that.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 01-Feb-13 08:08:58

"I feel like I should forgive her for my boy's sake and her's because she's frankly an idiot."

Whether she's an idiot is debatable. She certainly thinks you're an idiot if you fall for the 'platonic with tongues' rubbish. Do give yourself some time to think about this properly. Ask her to go away for a while if it helps. If you forgive this too easily without any changes on her part, it'll happen again.

birdofthenorth Fri 01-Feb-13 08:01:03

Sorry for your sad discovery OP. Hope you can work it out but don't pressurise yourself to do if overnight.

Xales Fri 01-Feb-13 07:56:28

Cheaters tend to lie massively when originally caught.

It was just a kiss.

OK it was a kiss and a little group.

OK it was just once in a hotel but I felt so bad I couldn't/had to stop.

They never just come out and say yeah we have been at it like rabbit,on my desk,back seat of his/her car and so on.

Please consider going to an STI clinic and if you stay together make sure she dies to.

I think it is tougher as you are male and I presume your wife is the main carer meaning you could lose time with your son if she got nasty.

Good luck with what ever you decide.

badinage Fri 01-Feb-13 01:26:59

If this happened on Monday, you're in no fit state yet to think about actual forgiveness.

You can however work towards making a decision about whether to stay and try to forgive, but hold off from making any decisions just yet until you find out all the truth.

In my observation, it never ever works out if you're staying for the children. It only ever works if you're staying because you love her and don't want to lose her - and even then it doesn't work out unless the other person is willing to change.

circlecircles Fri 01-Feb-13 01:17:06

emails found on Monday but discussions have stretched out till today to keep it away from our boy. She's ended the affair. It's sunk in that she's obliterated a good 15yr marriage for a quick thrill. What a total f up. I feel like I should forgive her for my boy's sake and her's because she's frankly an idiot.

badinage Fri 01-Feb-13 01:04:09

The trouble is OP that probably right now the only mistake she thinks she's made is being caught, especially as she's still lying.

I know couples who've got past something like this, but only when the whole truth was on the table and the people who'd cheated did a lot of work on themselves to change their behaviour.

When did you find out about this? Do you know yet whether you want to try to forgive and does she want to stay in the marriage and end the affair?

MrsTerryPratchett Fri 01-Feb-13 01:01:13

If it is 'just' snogging and secret meetings would you stay in the marriage? Because if this is the deal-breaker you don't need to know what else went on. I'm sorry but kissing is incredibly intimate. That would be enough for me. It wasn't a one-off stupid action. It was pre-planned and sober.

minkembra Fri 01-Feb-13 00:58:11

Sounds like she is not very remorseful as she is saying 'only' to play down something that is clearly not on.

I doubt she'd take same view if you were platonically kissing one of her friends. not that i am suggesting that...just that she needs to take good look at herself and ask him she would feel.

For me it's not the cheating that is vile it's the lies and the cowardice of people would rather save their own skin/face that take the shame of proper admission of guilt when they get caught.

Sorry this has happened. hope she takes a tumble to herself and realised you deserve more consideration.

circlecircles Fri 01-Feb-13 00:56:05

I think my mistake was to confront her as soon as I saw the emails. I should have got a better understanding of the full extent of the relationship rather than naively thinking she would honestly tell all. But anyway, yes, she's had an affair and I think it was physical but very short. She's made a huge mistake and destroyed a 15yr marriage for absolutely nothing.

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