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I used to be a nice person until my partner cheated

(26 Posts)
RoxyLady Thu 31-Jan-13 20:16:54

Now Im not. He cheated on me with his ex but we worked it out. Then two weeks after i had my daughter he kissed a girl at his work and sent inappropriate messages to her. I was devastated.
I used to be so nice, never really said boo to a goose but now i find myself calling him out on the tiniest b***sh*t comments he makes. I have no patient whatsoever with him and he says im not doing myself any favours. Ots been 2 years since he kissed that girl but he says i need to get past it or we arent going to make it.
He told me tonight that if this is how its going to be he wpuld find someone else to make him happy.
I said maybe you should have valued the person i was before but you didnt. So whats the point of me being nice. You took advantage of that person.
Anyone else gone through this?

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 04-Feb-13 13:52:49

Yes, this is the kind of hard work that the cheater really needs to do, its so easy to say sorry, I fucked up etc and expect things to go back to the way things used to be. Its like saying sorry after punching someone i.e does not really help and is meaningless.

Not sure if you both have read Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends? This will provide a good starting point for the real work that he needs to do if he wants to save the marriage.

RoxyLady Mon 04-Feb-13 11:56:20

I think that is the problem. He hasnt proved to me or really sat down with me without hurrying the conversation along about how we move forward.
I have no faith in him at the moment and that makes me not respect him. If he did do this then maybe we could work on things but at the moment I just want to stay away from him.

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 04-Feb-13 08:22:00

If you are only staying with him for the DC, you need to end the marriage.

What will happen when DC leave home?

What kind of model for future relationships are you showing your DC?

I agree with five - the cheater's willingness to address their own failings and issues is key to recovery and if you think he isn't doing this, then you have your answer.

MerlotAndMe Sun 03-Feb-13 22:43:15

Well roxy, he can be a good father to your dd from a different house. woould he want more for his dd when she is grown??
dont show your daughter that you have to lie in a miserable bed just because you have a child. i left with two under five. it is not the waltons, but what could i do!? couldnt make a happy family home life, couldd merely endure a fake, tense awkward family life. so let him be a father. if he is a good father he will continue to be a good father.

RoxyLady Sun 03-Feb-13 22:01:53

I do want to work it out. I promise myself in the morning ill be a nicer person but by mid morning we have already bitten eachothers heads off.
He asked me today why i put up with him and i replied because
of our daughter.
He looked at me hurt and said really? Are u joking?
I said i was but i wasnt really. If it wasnt for her I would have left him by now n

Skyebluesapphire Fri 01-Feb-13 18:51:13

wobbly - no offence was intended, I just think that the OP is obviously very unhappy. i would not be able to forgive in those circumstances, but if that is what OP wants to do, then they both need to be able to deal with it and move on and it doesn't sound like either of them really want to do that. If it's been two years, then it really isn't working is it ...

If the OP can't get past it, then he will leave and tell everybody its her fault because she is so nasty to him! I don't mean that's right, but can just see him saying it.

Roxy - you need to decide what you want... it really doesn't sound like you want to be with him and as several others have said, you really don't need him. For your own happiness, it sounds like you would be better off on your own..

fiventhree Fri 01-Feb-13 13:18:05

There are two things to be clear about , I think.

One is the willingness of the cheater to discuss and engage, and acknowledge the hurt. That must be a prerequisite, and there is no point if they wont even do that.

The second thing isnt much easier- they have to acknowledge what part they played in allowing things to get to that stage, which are more about life behaviours and disrespect than about cheating. It has been my experience that this second stage can be one step forward and two steps back, and very wearing. And the limit's of that willingness are tested regularly but normal life events.

Abitwobblynow Fri 01-Feb-13 09:46:44

Yes I know this one.

Skye, I can't believe you wrote that!

We are supposed to just 'get over it'. And forgive.

Which is galling - if they want forgiveness, what about the apologies, the admissions that it was a crappy way to 'solve' stuff, that things really weren't as bad as all that, and they became miraculously terrible when New And Shiny came into the picture, that actually we might need reassurance and hugs? And a few more apologies for the hurt and humiliation they caused?

Why is it still all about them? I don't want to hurt, I don't want to be angry - but this is what HE caused, so why are his feelings still more important?

It is so hard.

Skyebluesapphire Fri 01-Feb-13 00:29:20

If you can't forgive him then there is no future for you together.

You freely admit that you are becoming somebody you don't like, so it is affecting you. If you made the decision to stay with him, then you both need to work it out.

I'm not saying his behaviour is excusable. But you chose to stay with him therefore you can't keep punishing him for what he did. If you really can't get past it then you do need to end the relationship for your own sake.

fiventhree Thu 31-Jan-13 23:02:14

I'm going through a version of this. Found out in nov 2011, so 14 months ago, that h had cheated for 5 and a half years. It seems to have been all online, but I have no proof and suspect I don't have the full story, whether online or otherwise .

I'm fairly sure he doesn't cheat now and he is very contrite about the whole experience.

However, I do keep noticing other areas which were an issue between us beforehand, eg his wild over indulging of the kids and desperate defence eg of their daily marathon Xbox sessions ( all day at weekends) which he knows worries me a lot . And on those occasions I just think he is an unsupportive twat and wonder why we are still together .

So yes I do feel like that .

scaevola Thu 31-Jan-13 22:19:51

You don't have to be nice. You were deeply hurt, and the continuing "not niceness" shows that you have not reached a point of reconciliation where you can live sufficiently amicably to relearn to appreciate him (I'm assuming you did appreciate him once, before he betrayedyou and shattered his trust).

Errant spouses do not realise how long a healing process can take, nor how much they need to do to rebuild, little bit by little bit, what they selfishly shattered. His latest comments seem to show that he is no longer interested in putting your relationship first and supporting you, come what may.

What do you want? Do you want to find a way to return to a (long) journey of reconciliation? Or do you think you have had enough?

Piecesofmyheart Thu 31-Jan-13 22:17:38

He is a git.
When Ex had his affair, if I 'stepped out of line' he would remind me that OW was waiting in the wings. I don't know why I put up with it. And inevitably the affair started again.
You deserve better OP - you are a far 'nicer' person than he lets you believe - and worth so much more

Dryjuice25 Thu 31-Jan-13 22:09:03

He's not nice so why is he expecting you to be nice?

This guy should be bending over backwards to try and regain/reclaim your trust. Instead, he is flinging an ultimatum in your direction,and thinks he can do better than you!!!

I am angry for you. Get rid. Don't let him destroy your "nice" disposition. Leave before you become more bitter and lose all traces of who you really are. You deserve more.

sparklyjumper Thu 31-Jan-13 20:55:34

Oh yes, went through all this with my ex, he broke my trust time and time again and thought a few presents and a weekend of being overly nice and I should forget it all ever happened. But you can't just forget.

Personally I think that when you can't learn to trust someone again it's because they haven't really, truly acknowledged what they've done and they aren't really sorry. In which case you'll never really forgive and forget and will just drive yourself insane.

Lueji Thu 31-Jan-13 20:43:58

Well, in a way he's right.
You don't seem to have forgiven him, and if so, why are you with him?

Has he done enough to prove himself to you?

Xales Thu 31-Jan-13 20:43:39

Actually I think you need to start letting this go. For yourself.

If you don't feel you are a nice person any more it is affecting you and letting his selfish actions turn you from a nice person us a shame.

Whether you do this with or without this man is a decision only you can make.

Personally if he is telling you he will move on and replace you I would hold the door open and as he leaves let it smack him in the arise.

MerlotAndMe Thu 31-Jan-13 20:32:23

agree with Sioda, yeah grin the bloody cheek of you not getting over him cheating on you twice fast enough . It beggars belief doesn't it.

Have a wine

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 31-Jan-13 20:32:17

"He told me tonight that if this is how its going to be he wpuld find someone else to make him happy"

He's done it before and, for all you know, already has someone else lined up waiting. The reason you're snapping at him is that you forgave too easily and you're now realising he's not worth it. Why waste any more time?

MerlotAndMe Thu 31-Jan-13 20:29:44

My x used to manipulate me like this. He totally exploited me by recognising that being nice was a large part of my self-identity. That it was important to me that people considered me nice. Nice is a bland word but it was very important to me that people liked me, thought I was kind, generous, good humoured etc...

So there I was, already accommodating all of his selfishness, fulfilling all of his needs, it was a ONE way street. He made me so UNhappy but yet I danced to his tune for years because of that fear of being labelled a bitch.

Please read a book called 'why men love bitches'. It's not about being a bitch. It's about not losing yourself. It's about marching to the beat of your own drum. It's about making sure your own needs are met first before you race to give, give, give.

ledkr Thu 31-Jan-13 20:29:27

This is precisely why I chose to cut my losses when dh cheated I could never ever forgive and forget.
Maybe it's time op.

AThingInYourLife Thu 31-Jan-13 20:26:30

He's a dick.

What you need to get past is your bizarre notion that you should be putting the shitty way he treats you aside so you can stay with him.

You are quite right that being nice got you nowhere with him.

The mistake you made was keeping him and allowing yourself to get lost in the process.

Get rid of the cheating, untrustworthy, horrible git and let the nice you return.

MerlotAndMe Thu 31-Jan-13 20:26:30

ps, wrt to being 'nice', is it more important to be 'nice' than to be happy?
who is the judge of who is 'nice'?
is it him!!??
And is he 'nice'?

I'd rather be happy alone than have a wanker pat me on the head and tell me occasionally that I was nice. He is pulling your strings there.

Sioda Thu 31-Jan-13 20:26:06

You're still too nice sorry - to him that is. And not nice at all to yourself. His response to cheating on you twice is to blame you for not getting over it fast enough. That's him working on his excuse for the next time, if he hasn't already started on his third. He's right, you're not doing yourself, or your dd, any favours, so do one for yourself now by kicking him out.

MerlotAndMe Thu 31-Jan-13 20:24:10


You aren't not being 'nice', your comments to him are the justifiable reaction to have been humiliated, cheated on, and having your pain belittled.

fuck being nice Roxylady. Why the hell should you be nice?

Is being nice fairly central to your core sense of self? like, say, you might not be as confident as you should be, but one thing you're certain of is that you ARE nice, so that he can control you quite well with the criticism that you're no longer being 'nice'.

March to the beat of your own drum Roxy. You deserve better than somebody who cheated on you and finds your reaction to his infidelity too tiresome. What a jackass

44SoStartingOver Thu 31-Jan-13 20:22:21

I suspect you are still a very nice person, however, you realise your husband is a bit of a git. Why would you not call him on bullshit comments?

Then he threatens you with a replacement.

Without knowing anything else if I were you I would recognise that he is just not good enough for you, get yourself as strong and confident as you can and plan your exit strategy.

There are plenty of threads with practical advice.

he was fine, so long as you did not say boo to a goose (not my definition of nice btw). You dont need to get past his pathetic infidelities, he needs to earn some respect and trust from you - has he even tried?

use your anger to give you resolution. Good luck

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