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How many of you would say you are truly happily married?

(191 Posts)
ConfusedishSay Thu 31-Jan-13 15:28:51

I´ve been married 10yrs to a very nice man who loves me and wants us to grow old together. I thought that´s what I wanted too, but lately I think I´m having a midlife-crisis-thingummy and the thought of being with the same person for the next 30-50 years until I die is quite literally depressing the hell out of me.
I´m trying so hard to want this traditional happy ever after, but I´m not sure I still love him and it´s making me feel guilty and hopeless. Should I just stick with it and hope it´s a passing phase?

Jessica1902 Mon 26-Jun-17 15:06:41

So what happened in the end? What did you decide to do?

ChocolatePHD Mon 26-Jun-17 14:40:27

V happily married here. He is my best friend, has been since 19 years ago, can't imagine my life without him. Looking forward to every single year together.

PGOAT Mon 26-Jun-17 14:38:56

I haven't read the other posts but I am absolutely happily married. It's not roses and hearts 24/7 but he is my best friend, an amazing father to our DCs, and we have a great sex life. I have zero doubts that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. We have small DCs and some complicated family issues that can be hard on a marriage but it has only made us stronger.

Jessica1902 Mon 26-Jun-17 14:18:41

I can't believe how long this thread has been going on!.... 2013 - 2017?

christmaswreaths Mon 17-Apr-17 11:10:14

*when we are together

christmaswreaths Mon 17-Apr-17 11:09:19

I have been married 13 years with my soulmate. Life has thrown loads of challenges at us in that relatively short time; death of a parent, accidents, two children with a lifelong condition, redundancy, bad neighbours, etc and we have argued and gone through bad patches.

However when we ate together especially on our own, I feel we are definitely made for each other and long for some time just the two of us.

I am definitely happy I met the right person as never felt like this in other long term relationships before.

Boogiewoogiebuglegirl Mon 17-Apr-17 10:19:44

I know this is an old thread but wanted to post as it's been VERY helpful reading for me (I found it in a search), and wondered - as it's been 4 years - whether any of you who had problems had any updates? I'd love to know how some of these stories have resolved themselves either way as I find myself in a very similar position to many of the posters here.

phoenixrose314 Thu 07-Feb-13 12:08:43

I definitely am. Sounds twee but my DH is my best friend, the one I turn to when I feel blue for cheering up, the first one I want to tell when something exciting happens... Honestly the person I want to share my entire life with.

I never thought I'd feel like this, never thought contentment was possible, but we've been together for 7 very difficult years and I'd have it no other way smile

ConfusedishSay Thu 07-Feb-13 11:59:37

Thanks for the last few comments too...wise words from everyone really and it is really heartening to hear how many people still have warm and fuzzy feelings towards their spouses!
Deep down, I feel kind of pessimistic for the future of the relationship (wish I didnt and I´m trying to fight that!) but I know I have to have tried everything I possibly can before I can end things and know it is the right thing to do.

nokidshere Tue 05-Feb-13 10:56:09

sorry I dont know how I missed all the pages inbetween page 1 and the end - I thought I was posting quite soon after the OP lol and obviously there have been lots of xposts since then - apologies lol

nokidshere Tue 05-Feb-13 10:53:02

We have been married for 26 years and together for 31 years.

Its better now in a lot of ways. A calm, comfortable love and mutual respect that comes, not only with longevity, but with age. Of course many, many years of fertility treatments, being parents when we were older and other pressures have served to make sure that our lives haven't been dull. And the rows we had when we were younger were something to behold. And sex (for us anyway) has just got better and better over the years.

I think the secret of longevity is peace. If you have a deep feeling of contentment and a truly shared partnership you will want to put your efforts into your relationship. If you find you are longing for more and "looking around" for excitement you need to decide if you want to find those things within your existing relationship or on your own.

Is the fact that you aren['t attracted to your husband anymore down to the MLC feeling or is the MLC feeling because you aren't attracted to him? Either way you need to sit down and talk to your husband because unless you tell him how you are feeling he cant do anything to change it or help.

littlecrystal Tue 05-Feb-13 10:19:54

I am happy in my marriage. A big part of it is played by the fact that I am a loner and I am happy just to be with myself, and as long as DH does not interfere with my space too much or takes a load of DC responsibilities from me, I am happy to be with him. We are both independent, quiet and non-intrusive, so our marriage works. Although I do wonder often that I would like to be close-nit and do everything together, but then I am not sure if this would work.

I don’t believe in soulmates. I don’t trust anyone 100% but myself. How many stories here on MN saying “my lovely DH cheated” etc. There is no marriage without ups and downs. That’s just life.

BigSpork Mon 04-Feb-13 23:35:25

I've been married for almost 10 years and I'm quite happy, more happy now really (and fantasise more about him now than ever).

Relationships tend to go through waves of drifting apart and drifting closer as long as people actively work on it, I find, but from what you've written, you've drifted apart and he's not put any effort in to bring you back together for some reason. Relationships cannot survive let alone thrive on inertia.

For us, finding hobbies we could enjoy doing together again and working on together again was the key to overcoming the comfort doldrums pulling us in different ways. Also setting goals for myself (and asking him his goals) and finding ways we could help each other has brought us together.

Is it just your relationship you're unhappy with? When I have my crisis-es it tends to be a lot of different things at once that I need to fix. We need a crisis area to help each other build ourselves back up again as things so easily pull us down and in every direction until it gets to this crunch point.

ConfusedishSay Mon 04-Feb-13 22:06:50

Eek...sorry, oops....the above was meant to be addressed to scarborough re her "coming clean" discussion...and not even post no excuse!
Thanks though, stuckintime...a lot of us in the same canoe!

ConfusedishSay Mon 04-Feb-13 22:00:56

Oh and stuckintime ...sadly I´m getting deja vu with what you wrote about your husband´s reaction to your admitting your feelings. I tried to get my DH to wake up and realise our relationship was unfulfilling and in the doldrums a good 5 or so years ago....back when I still had the energy to care and try and do something about it.
He too just seemed very surprised, stated that he thought everything was fine and I´m fairly sure thought I was probably just being hormonal.
And my reaction was just like yours.....I felt I must be making too much of it and it was all fine......without realising it, I slowly gave up and built a hard emotional shell around myself year after year since. I didn´t fight to make him realise how serious it was because I thought that he must be right and that this was as good as I could expect in a longterm relationship!
Fast forward 5 yrs and I almost embarked on an affair!
Oh and NOW my DH is in crisis mode and is taking me EXTREMELY seriously!! Pity though that this happens so often by all accounts! How do you shake/wake a man up BEFORE it gets to the danger zone? Ho hum hmm

ConfusedishSay Mon 04-Feb-13 21:52:14

Actually, Fluffyraggies that´s a good idea.....anyone else on here care to contribute or shall we start a new thread??!
In answer, basically since my sex drive started to go downhill once the initial enfatuation phase was over....probably about 3 yrs in to the relationship tbh. I had found myself doing this with a previous longterm boyfriend as I also lost interest after the 1st 18m or so with HIM and was thinking initially with hubby: "Oooo, how great, this guy must be Mr Right, as I no longer have to fantasise"....but then mundanity set in. This is why I´m thinking it´s ME not necessarily him at all. I think maybe I´d get bored and lose my libido with ANYONE given sufficient time sad
It DOES give me hope, springdiva that there seem to be plenty on here who still have the hots for their nice that must be! envy
Until this OM was around, I´d hardly EVER fantasised about anyone real or concrete....just made up people and scenarios in my head that turned me on. Some innocent and romantic, others a little ...erm....shocking...blush
OK....somebody else´s turn to spill now...

katb1973 Mon 04-Feb-13 21:17:22

I had a friend in a similar situation, married for 6 yrs, 1 dc etc. she met someone else and confided in me that she hadn't known what love was until she met him. She acted quickly, they sold their house and shared their child and she moved in with the love of her life..........6 years later she's back with her first husband has had another child and openly admits that the grass was definitely not happy he took her back. Food for may not be perfect, but nothing ever is.

OatcakeCravings Mon 04-Feb-13 17:33:55

Married for 15 years with small children. I'm not happy but not unhappy either. I am bored and I am irritated with my H a lot. We have nothing in common anymore which I think is one of the main problems.

fluffyraggies Mon 04-Feb-13 15:58:03

Just to be clear spring, i meant fantasising that it's someone else you're having sex with.

Honestly i would be v. sad

Swinging from lampshades or not wink

Springdiva Mon 04-Feb-13 15:29:09

I would frankly be devastated if i found out that DH fantasises while having sex with me

Hmm, interesting. I'd assumed most people did it.

Though I probably didn't do it when younger. We are in our sixties now, perhaps the urges aren't as strong and a bit of fantasy spices things up. We are also very reserved and don't swing from the lampshades so perhaps that makes a difference too.

fluffyraggies Mon 04-Feb-13 11:43:34

Fantasising (about someone else) in order to enjoy sex. Can we touch on this a bit more? How many of us do it/did it?

With my XH, who was my first long term partner ( late teens ), i used to fantasise each and every time we had sex. Right from the very first time until the very last. We were together 15 years. I wouldn't say it was a good sign. I'm guessing it's not 'normal'. It was my guilty secret.

Now i'm older and wiser and re-married (to someone with whom i do not have to fantasise) i see it now as an obvious sign that things were wrong. Glaring really.

I would frankly be devastated if i found out that DH fantasises while having sex with me, in the way i had to with XH.

Just interested OP, how long have you been fantasising to get by?

ScarboroughFayre Mon 04-Feb-13 10:27:36

Morning all! I hope everyone had a good weekend - I couldn't get to the computer to post but was thinking about this a lot and doing my best to focus on DH's good points.

Stuckintime I know how you feel, I don't want anyone else, I don't want another DH, I don't ever want to be apart from DH I just wish I could feel excited and lustful towards him again, and that's what I don't know how to change. But I did make a real effort this weekend to consciously view him with new eyes, and to make sure that my communication towards him was respectful and considerate, and his behaviour changed accordingly too.

On Sat eve (after quite a few wine wine) I did have a bit of a try at talking to him more directly about the whole "I can't fancy you if I feel like your mother" thing. Should have done it sober but there you go. It didn't go brilliantly but it did start the conversation - interestingly he had NO IDEA what the hell I was on about, and said he didn't think there was anything wrong in our marriage either. I would have thought he'd have jumped at the chance to have a conversation about things that would make me more likely to want sex but he didn't seem remotely bothered, which was a real surprise to me. Maybe I worry about things that are actually fine. Maybe he is quite happy with the way things are and I should just be grateful that he doesn't mind me not wanting sex?! I have been known to over-think things.

Two things that I did find helpful, however, were a) not calling him 'Daddy' when the children were around, instead using his name - the whole Freudian thing of calling him 'Daddy' reinforces the fact in my mind that he is family and therefore sex would be incest. I must remember to use his name! And b) being more assertive, straightforward and clear when asking for help, so that I didn't feel like a nagging mother. Instead of "someone needs to put the bins out" with rolling eyes I said things along the lines of "darling, I'm going to put the washing out, could you please empty the bins while I do that?", which felt much more 'equal'. It really helped - much less resentment and therefore contempt / lack of respect on my part.

But most importantly since coming on this thread and thinking deeply about the whole familiarity / contempt vs excitement / respect thing, I have turned a corner in my mind. I do want things to work and while I can't change his behaviour, I can change my own, and see how things respond to that. I already feel more positive, which is a start. I also had a rather fruity dream blush on Friday night which is presumably my subconscious responding to all of this and saying "come on girl, you've still got it in you, we just need to find it and give it a jump start!" grin

twoboyslater Sun 03-Feb-13 22:04:55

Not married yet but engaged for a while. And not one day goes past where I don't think how lucky I am to have such a wonderful, supportive, loving fiancé smile He is the best father that I could have ever wished for my children to have, and every day that I spend with him will just be another day that I am in love with him. Sure, we have our tiffs like everybody else, but there is never a second where I don't love him.

Bloody pregnancy hormones.

stuckintime Sun 03-Feb-13 17:01:11

<Isn't it within your power to change the way things are so you aren't resentful.>

Not sure to be honest. I do what I can to have my own life and to a certain extent it works. I have my own interests and friends. Perhaps I could do more.

I'm not thinking of leaving for someone else, at all. I'm not even sure I want a new DP.

To be frank, I'm not sure of anything.

Springdiva Sun 03-Feb-13 14:20:58

reply above was to stuckintime

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