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don't know what I want. mixed feelings about DH

(29 Posts)
daytimetv Thu 31-Jan-13 10:20:24


I get the feeling I'm being pathetic here but I just would like to write my feelings down and if I get any replies its a bonus...even if its to tell me I'm being silly.

Been with DH 12 years. Had a DS 4 months ago. We live with my mum for financial reasons.

The problem is my DH's attitude. He really doesn't give a shit about anyone but himself. His social life is his number one priority, then football, then us. Although he will argue that isn't the case. But actions speak louder than words, right? He's out of the house more than he is in. We don't talk and we aren't affectionate. We haven't had sex since we conceived DS. He belittles my feelings when I express them and makes me feel stupid.

He has always been like this but its intensified since I got pregnant. I had such a tough pregnancy. I gave up smoking and drinking (naturally) but it was a killer for me as our social life was everything to us before this. He carried on as normal, out every night and at weekends not coming home till 5 or 6 am. I suffered from pre natal depression and bad morning sickness but he was not there for me. Many times his behavior got me so stressed I thought I would miscarry. He saw me in there states and just carried on doing what he was doing. I'm finding it hard to forgive and forget.

This behaviour is carrying on now that baby is here. I do everything and because he works he uses that as a weapon, an excuse. "I'm only having a few drinks after work" etc. It's not a high powered or stressful job.

I thought he might feel left out so I suggested he do the nightly bath with DS. He has managed 3 times in nearly 5 months. He does no night feeds. He buys nothing in the way of food or nappies for DS. He shows no interest. In our boy, or me.

I've given him ultimatums but somehow he makes me feel pathetic for even suggesting we split. I've told him I'm not happy. He has a good 2 weeks then he returns to form. It stresses me out so much I don't know how to handle it.

Am I being over sensitive? Is it silly of me to want to split just because of these reasons? Another thing is that he snores really loudly, so he has his own room. I'm in the nursery with DS. I get virtually no sleep when I'm in with DS as he's a loud sleeper too. When DH goes away on the piss for the weekend (yes! Football is the reason for this) I love it as I get to sleep in his room. It's a relief when he's gone. It's infuriating that he refuses to lose weight in order to help with his snoring.

Right now I hate him. I know deep down I love him but I just can't get to that place with him when he's such a selfish prick.

Sorry for length of this post. I feel better just off loading.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 31-Jan-13 15:09:25

If she's going to take his side then you're better off waiting until she's gone rather than risking them ganging up on you. But use the time, not to lose your bottle, but to be an observer of your own relationship. A step back, if you like.... as if you're looking at yourself through a window. Make a mental note of anything that happens that is typical of why you're so unhappy.

If you've really decided enough is enough then you can find it creates a sort of calm. Use it....

MortifiedAdams Thu 31-Jan-13 15:13:17

Tell him on the last day of MILs visit that he needs to pack up and leave with her.

daytimetv Thu 31-Jan-13 21:50:15

A quick note. DH suggested he take DS tonight. This is a first. I was pretty shocked but ultimately unimpressed. Although I agreed straight away as I need to have more than 3 hours sleep tonight.

So anyway 10 mins after we agree DH will have him tonight, they have decided mil will have him instead. So, he assumed responsibility for all of 10 mins before palming him off on his 75 year old mother. I'm so tired I just let them get on with it.

But seriously. How pathetic. Anyway I need to sleep now. Thanks again all xxx

PartTimeModel Thu 31-Jan-13 22:17:38

This is what I said to my P shortly after DD1 was born.

"If you want to live like a bachelor you are if course free to do so. If this is what you want then you need to leave this home and live your bachelor lifestyle elsewhere. I love you and I want to live as a family with you. But I will not live with you as you currently behave. Xy&z behaviour has to go and be replaced by ab&c behaviour. Not next month, not next week but now."

It worked (but we split 5 years later anyway but not because of 'bachelor' behaviour).

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