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Help needed!

(29 Posts)
BigGums Wed 30-Jan-13 12:18:49

Ok, so i've been snooping. Bad i know. But in my DH's emails there is some from

He hasnt read any of the messages but on the website is his nickname, age, sex and that he is straight. It seems from the emails that he has joined in December but his history shows there is nothing he has looked at recently.

What do i do? Is it definitely him or could he have been signed up some how??

Moanranger Wed 30-Jan-13 22:25:02

You need to have a very serious " you need to grow up for this relationship to work" talk with your DH. My DH & many others would never use such sites, indulge in this sort of behaviour, visit porn sites, etc. This Jack The Lad stuff needs to be left behind if he is to be a mature partner in a serious relationship. There is unfortunately a degree of tolerance or even admiration for this, basically, adolescent behaviour. He needs to become a grown up & you need to let him know that you won't tolerate anything else. ( I mean social tolerance, ESP among "the boys.)

Charbon Wed 30-Jan-13 16:27:17

He'll either claim to know nothing about it and suggest that the site cloned his details from somewhere else, or he'll tell you that a friend has probably signed him up for a lark. He's lied to you before, it will be no different tonight. Expect him to counter-attack about you snooping by the way - that's fairly standard in these situations.

Of course you are strong enough. But you need to move out of this denial about the man you married. He sounds ghastly.

BigGums Wed 30-Jan-13 16:01:11

That's great advice thank you. Will speak to him and see what the fucker says.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 30-Jan-13 15:53:36

reined.... not reigned.... <tsk>

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 30-Jan-13 15:52:48

All you've got to be strong enough to do/say is point out that you're not impressed with the e-mail thing and you expect better given the way he messed up over the stag do and so forth. He should be doing stuff to increase your trust, not tom-catting around on the internet. You know this guy better than anyone..... you can judge by his reaction what to say next. It may or may not be a train-smash on this occasion but I think this Jack the Lad persona has to be severely reigned in & you have to stop being so understanding or your married life is going to be very one-sided and really miserable.

BigGums Wed 30-Jan-13 15:46:46

I know you're all right. I know what i would advise me but having hard time at the moment and not sure I'm strong enough.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 30-Jan-13 15:44:09

"Personality wise, without these faults, we are great together. "

That's a little like saying 'aside from the serial killing, Harold Shipman was a great doctor'....

If you're planning to forgive and you've forgiven him for the same and worse in the past then he's got no reason to change. Glad you're great together because I think he'll be finding excuses to have more 'final blow outs' whenever he gets the chance.

BigGums Wed 30-Jan-13 15:41:35

Just went on the site to see if i could find any other details - clicked on a link and this message came up

Congratulations! Your new account on FatFunBuddy has been successfully created.

To save you time, so you can get straight into meeting new people, we've copied over a few of your details:

NameEmailBirth DatePasswordLocation

Maybe he was signed up as easy as that? Or accidently?

I know i'm clutching at straws here!

BigGums Wed 30-Jan-13 15:37:00

I think he is yes.

I've looked in his 'trash' emails - he has deleted a lot of them so i'm guessing he is fully aware of the emails he has been getting. He has not 'read' any though. All other spam dating sites have not been read. Nothing else dodgy going back to 2008. I shall confront him when he is home.

I have forgiven him for the previous so will not be leaving him over that but yes obviously this could change everything.

Charbon Wed 30-Jan-13 15:03:06

I don't even need to ask - but he's a porn user too isn't he?

Charbon Wed 30-Jan-13 15:02:04

But this is his personality!

Those 'faults' are pretty massive aren't they?

Do you think a man who is respectful to women, believes in fidelity (financial and sexual) and honesty in relationships would behave like this then?

BigGums Wed 30-Jan-13 14:51:47

No he hasn't paid anything. I can't seem to find any other details?

BigGums Wed 30-Jan-13 14:50:57

I know not all men are like this. My dad for example is a lovely man.

Personality wise, without these faults, we are great together.

vigglewiggle Wed 30-Jan-13 14:21:05

If you can log into his account can you look at his stored details. You need to negate his predictable argument that he didn't actively register on the site, they just obtained his name etc. Did he pay to register?

TisILeclerc Wed 30-Jan-13 14:15:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Charbon Wed 30-Jan-13 14:14:35

Why are you putting up with it then?

He lies, he uses the sex industry and spends your money on it, he send sex texts to your friends, he joins sex dating sites and creates a profile.

You do realise that not all men are like this?

BigGums Wed 30-Jan-13 14:10:52

No! The money was accounted for. He got private dances for himself and his friend. He also had double dances and bought them champagne.

Yes, it makes me feel sick that he can be that kind of man. I hate men like that. I just don't hate him :-(

He's been twice before in our relationship but no private dances. He said he wanted a final blow out. It was ibiza and i know the club name as he disputed some transactions.

I have logged on to the website but there has not been any activity.

If i were to read all this i'd wonder why anyone would put up with it.

Charbon Wed 30-Jan-13 13:24:25

Well the £2K wasn't spent on just drinks and private dances was it? It's far more likely it was spent on sex, which is a 'standard' extra arrangement made between dancers and punters in many clubs.

There's no doubt here that he's looking for extra sex, or that he's already had extra sex.

Really - no doubt at all.

clam Wed 30-Jan-13 13:19:17

"Strip clubs are standard on a stag do, it's just going to happen."

hmm Depends what sort of blokes you mix with.

vigglewiggle Wed 30-Jan-13 13:17:55

I don't agree that strip clubs are 'standard' on stag do's. It depends on the participants, surely. Some men have respect for women! The fact that he disregarded your feelings and then lied is pretty damning.

I don't think you need to feel bad about snooping. He has given you plenty grounds to be suspicious. I would not challenge him about the website yet though - he sounds like the kind of man who will try to lie his way out of it if there is any wriggle room.

I would gather as much evidence as possible. Can you log into his account and see what other info he has provided?

bodencatalogue Wed 30-Jan-13 13:07:19

The options are:

1) He was signed up by someone else as a joke but usually there is a verification email sent when signing up for a web service.
2) He signed up because he was curious but no intent, possible if he has not read or deleted the emails.
3)He signed up with every intention.

I'd go for option 2 and think he is probably being a bit of a twat.

If you access to his emails then why don't you log onto the site and see what activity there has been, ie has he been sending messages, does he have a profile etc.

Strip clubs are standard on a stag do, it's just going to happen. £2000 is alot of money though, where was this and do you know the name of the club?

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 30-Jan-13 13:05:21

Sounds like you've married a tosser. Simple as that. I'd ask him about the e-mails and then judge the truth from his reaction. You probably know him well enough to know when he's lying, being evasive or trying to deflect the blame.

BigGums Wed 30-Jan-13 12:56:50

I don't agree with strip clubs. He went and then lied about it. I found out because they had put 2k on his cards over 2 days. The truth eventually came out but i had to beg and drag it out of him.

clam Wed 30-Jan-13 12:53:11

What sort of "right royally fucked up?" In addition to sending inappropriate messages?

Put it all together and it doesn't look promising. More than just "being a twat," I'd say.

BigGums Wed 30-Jan-13 12:37:14

We got married in October :-( Thought things were good. He right royally fucked up on his stag do and he did at one point send naughty messages to our then mutual friend. I think maybe he can't help be a bit of a twat. I'm worried if i confront him he will deny it and then i'll look bad for snooping.

I just want to know that he definitely did sign up. He hasn't read any emails since these started coming through. The rest are fine.

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