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How do I handle this?

(22 Posts)
Lonecatwithkitten Wed 30-Jan-13 08:42:38

April last year ExH admitted he was having an affair with one of my friends (daughter in DD's class) he said he wanted to try to mend our relationship, but wouldn't give up his friendship with her! So I said I couldn't go on on that basis.
He moved our 30th June had first sleepover at his new house with OW and both girls on 3rd July.
OW spends some of her time with him and some of her time with her husband who knows all about it!!!!!
In the last 10 days OW'sH has e-mailed me a couple of times saying how his life is hell (yeah mine is a bed of roses) and tried to befriend me on facebook and goggle community both of which I have ignored\declined.
I find all this wanting to befriend me very wierd. There are other issues as OW'sDD has been bullying my DD documented by school.

AngelWreakinHavoc Wed 30-Jan-13 08:46:39

I would be curious what he had to say tbh.
He is probably hurting just as much as You are.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 30-Jan-13 08:49:42

It's all rather incestuous isn't it? hmm Do I read that right? He has his own place, the OW stays over with her DD and your DD and her DH is putting up with this?

I think you need to address the bullying as priority. Talk to your DD's teacher immediately & you may have to tell them some of the personal stuff even though it's probably embarassing to do so. Presumably the other child feels aggrieved that your ex is in the picture and is taking it out on your DD. Not acceptable but understandable. Treat her as you would any other bully but what's going on when she visits her Dad? Is the bullying carrying on there as well?

I think you're quite right to avoid contact with this other man because he's clearly got very serious personal problems if he's not only allowing his DW to shag around but also involve their DC in the process. hmm

Anniegetyourgun Wed 30-Jan-13 08:50:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 30-Jan-13 08:55:43

It's the other woman's husband who is sending the 'poor me' e-mails to the OP if I read it right. His DW is having so much cake and eating it that she must be the size of a house smile The whole thing is very bizarre....

AngelWreakinHavoc Wed 30-Jan-13 08:56:24

Anniegetyourgun Maybe I read it wrong but what has the OW's Husband done wrong? confused

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 30-Jan-13 09:01:30

The OW's husband is bothering the OP, surely? All very well to send e-mails saying how much he is hurting and claiming to be kindred spirits but he's not actually doing anything about his crappy marriage.... Maybe he thinks there's potential for a menage a quatre shock?

AngelWreakinHavoc Wed 30-Jan-13 09:17:41

Sorry I just woke up and have obviously read it all wrong.

Op just ignore him but please see the school about your dd being bullied.

Lonecatwithkitten Wed 30-Jan-13 10:48:14

Thank you all. Yes sorry wasn't clear school know everything and are dealing with the bullying at school, however, the worst incidences happen out of school hours and result in DD having bruising consistent with hard pinching or punching on her inner upper arms, torso and neck. School document these and discuss them with DD, but ExH and OW say they have no idea how they are happening.
I also wasn't clear about OW'sH who to all intents and purposes appears to be actively going along with this situation. He travels a lot for work and when he is away OW and ExH are together, when he is back sometimes he and OW are together and sometimes she is with ExH. There have been occasions when OW'sH has cared for both children (I found out afterwards) whilst ExH and OW went out together!!!!
I have taken legal advice and know and are pursuing my legal position.
However, having know the OW'sH prior to this I am little scared he is trying to start a tit for tat relationship something I would never want to do and don't even want to engage with.
I feel like I am stuck in some kind of alternate reality.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 30-Jan-13 10:52:17

How does your DD say she gets the bruising? If it is happening when she stays at her father's house then you very simply stop her going. Your priority is your DD's safety. If he wants to continue seeing her then it has to be days out only... no more overnighters.

The OW's husband sounds like weirdo. You haven't given permission for him to look after your DD. That's totally wrong.

delilahlilah Wed 30-Jan-13 10:56:34

If my daughter was being physically harmed outside of school and exh couldn't explain it, I would be stopping contact unless supervised and sending SS round to ask him to explain what's happening to her in his care. Your dd is the important person in this thread not Ow's h. I couldn't let my dd go somewhere she is being bullied. I think I would also be discussing one of the children changing schools.

kalidanger Wed 30-Jan-13 11:01:14

Does you DD get beaten up when she goes for contact at EXH and OW's place? Can your solicitor put a stop to contact while applying for supervised contact? I expect you'll have to take DD to the GP to get her injuries recorded, poor thing.
Put ignoring/deleting OWH on high alert. What a weirdo.

Sugarice Wed 30-Jan-13 11:02:31

How old is your dd?

PopMusic Wed 30-Jan-13 11:05:37

The ex-h of ow sounds like a nutter. Ignore, ignore, ignore. Block his emails and Facebook.

Your poor daughter. It's good that the school are aware of it, are they going to refer it to an outside agency because of the actual physical abuse? Are you sure it's the daughter and not the ow(you never know)? She clearly is not safe in their home environment so I would stop letting her go there. Now. The fact that your ex and ow say they don't know how it's happening in their own home clearly shows they are not taking care of her or about her enough. If it happened once, yes they might not know how it happened. But on a consistent basis? No, that is not possible.

Lizzabadger Wed 30-Jan-13 11:09:17

Deal with bullying. Don't have contact with OW H. He obviously has some ulterior motive.

ShephardsDelight Wed 30-Jan-13 11:16:37

He could be a bit of a wierdo with boundary problems.

Or, he could be a bit of a wreck with no self esteem looking for a friend? Think if a woman was in this situation I would why is that poor little mite tolerating this, must have no self respect at all and feel pity.
Maybe thats the case here, I would just add him and see what he has to say, if he gets wierd ignore him. But he may think of you as a kindered spirit or something? confused.

Lonecatwithkitten Wed 30-Jan-13 11:18:14

DD is 9 years old. The are consistent with pinching and small punching. they don't happen all the time. That side we are working on with school and my solicitor, as my solicitor put it courts are reactive not proactive so we have to build a certain level of evidence. I really included this for background.
I just find the whole him trying to contact me very intrusive, since the New Year I am making a big effort to try and stop just survive and move forward. I have joined a choir to meet new people, but I just feel like that him trying to contact me is just pulling me backwards.

JenaiMorris Wed 30-Jan-13 11:27:08

Maybe he's just trying to keep a line of cummunication ope, seeing as both of you have children who are now in a less than ideal situation.

Maybe he's been home alone and got a little drunk on the laptop.

Or maybe he's a weirdo.

I'd suggest keeping a healthy distance, but bearing in mind my first point about yours and his common interest (your daughters that is, not the fact that you are both wronged spouses).

JenaiMorris Wed 30-Jan-13 11:27:48

communication open


Dahlen Wed 30-Jan-13 11:33:47

Rather than ignore him, I'd email him back. Be sympathetic and say you're willing to discuss your children's problems if necessary, but tell him you're not sure it's at all appropriate for you to support each other through this situation because of the relationships involved. Any friendship between the two of you could seriously complicate an already complicated situation even further, so you feel it best to keep communication to a minimum but wish him all the best in finding his own peace with the situation and achieving a happier future.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Wed 30-Jan-13 12:14:34

You're obviously uncomfortable with OW's H trying to make contact, so follow your instincts and don't enter into any contact.

You have enough to deal with without taking on the emotional burdens of another grown-up.

YellowTulips Wed 30-Jan-13 12:18:18

I agree with Dahlen....

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