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Don't know where to turn - DH thinks his behaviour is acceptable, I can't get through to him

(239 Posts)
Pegpolkadot Wed 30-Jan-13 07:39:03

DH has always had a vile side. He has never laid a finger on me and never would but because his mother was physically abusive to him he in turn finds it acceptable to shout and hit the children.

The thing I can't understand is that he doesn't see that what he does to his own children is no different to what she did to him and that in the end they will feel the same way about him as he does about her.

Last night was bad. My DS1 aged 9 who has Aspergers revealed the extent of his constipation at about 10.30 when we came up to bed. He was terrified it was going to hurt so wouldn't go to the toilet. DH said I was being too nice about it and that he was going to make himself ill so he would deal with it. He towered over him shouting in his face, he tried hitting and punching him to scare him into it and when he repeatedly coughed he put his hand over his mouth to stop him.

As I put him to bed DS1 cried and asked me to promise I would never let that happen again sad

I have got to go on a course today so DH is in charge. Not worried as big 2 at school then my parents are picking them up from school. He will be fine with the 3 year old.

If DS discloses at school today they will call social services and part of me hopes he does. There is a good chance he will because of his Aspergers.

I don't know what to do. I've tried telling him this thing is not acceptable. I threatened to leave in August but he begged me to stay and changed for a while but the old him is creeping back in.


AgathaF Wed 30-Jan-13 09:09:18

You cannot stay with this man.

You understand that his children will dislike him as they grow older because of what he does, but can you understand that they will dislike you just as much if you don't take action to protect them? The fallout from that will be greater than anything that will come from leaving him now to protect your children. Your role is to protect them.

As others have said - women's aid, social services, police. Today. Do it today. Don't let your children suffer another bout of abuse and violence.

worldgonecrazy Wed 30-Jan-13 09:13:53

I'm going to second everybody that's said you need to get your children out of this situation.

Do not be fooled by him being police - do you think that police are exempt from domestic and child abuse laws? (actually I think that it is known that the police are quite high risk but not sure where I have that information from). His colleagues will be as horrified as the posters on this forum and you will have support from them.

Punching a child is wrong by any decent standards and the fact that he is a policeman will not prevent the law from protecting your children.

There are people out there who will be on your side.

Ruprekt Wed 30-Jan-13 09:13:54

No one is blaming you PolkaDot but you have to act now.

If you do nothing then you ARE complicit.

Yes, it will be tough. Yes, there will be fallout. But there is support out there and you can do this.

Phone the police and phone WomensAid and get out of there today.

No one on this thread has said you should do nothing. You have posted here for help - now act on it.

BouncyPenguin Wed 30-Jan-13 09:14:06

This is the time to let your motherly instincts to override all else. I think you know this and you are seeking reassurance from us that you are about to do the right thing. You are about to do the right thing OP. You are going to protect your DC, end your relationship, report this man and move towards a better life. You will do this one step at a time. We are all behind you.

Callisto Wed 30-Jan-13 09:14:50

I too am really shocked and distressed by this thread. Your poor son desperately needs you to stand up for him. Do you really think he will tell his teacher that he was beaten up by daddy last night because he was constipated? And you seem to think that that your three year old is safe with his/her father. I realise that your reality is very different to mine, but really, you need to put your children first and protect them from this vile excuse for a man.

ComradeJing Wed 30-Jan-13 09:17:04

Please, please leave. Your poor children sad

TheGoatThatGotAway Wed 30-Jan-13 09:20:28

Pegpolkadot, you are the one who can break the chain here. What you choose to do will make all the difference. Please, I am actually begging you on behalf of your children, be strong enough to put an end to this! Wishing you every bit of support you need. And sending a hug.

bringbacksideburns Wed 30-Jan-13 09:24:12

'He towered over him shouting in his face, he tried hitting and punching him to scare him into it and when he repeatedly coughed he put his hand over his mouth to stop him.'

I'm not going to pussy foot around you because sometimes you just can't.
You need to leave this man.
You need to protect your child.

bringbacksideburns Wed 30-Jan-13 09:25:51

You are hoping your vulnerable child says something so you don't have to?

You need to take control.

NoBloodyMyrrh Wed 30-Jan-13 09:26:54

Please please phone women's aid, as scary as it is your children need you to be strong, I actually feel sick imagining how your son must've felt last night

MadameJosephine Wed 30-Jan-13 09:28:31

I don't post very often but this post is so upsetting I can't just read it and say nothing.

Please, please protect your child and get him a million miles away from this man, he doesn't deserve this

PureQuintessence Wed 30-Jan-13 09:29:01

What sort of "parent" leaves it to her 9 year old to report abuse?

Do you think SS will still leave him in your care as long as you are enabling the abuse as a passive bystander failing to protect your son?

You are siding by your violent and abusive husband just because he is not hitting you.

Sorry if I am harsh, but you need a wake up call, lady!

ScooseIsLoose Wed 30-Jan-13 09:30:58

If he is treating your son in this way in front of you how is he treating your younger child when you are not there? You need to get your children away from this man now it is your job to protect them!

BerylStreep Wed 30-Jan-13 09:31:04


I second everyone who says that you need to report this. By reporting it yourself, you are demonstrating to the authorities that you refuse to be complicit in the abuse, and it puts you in a much stronger position. Also, if it is you who reports it, then you protect your DS from feelings of guilt that anything he may say may be responsible for splitting up the family.

I would suggest dropping out of the course today - this is much more important. Can you get an urgent appointment with your GP to see DS? Not only to see if he needs medical attention, but to also have any injuries or marks recorded.

Trust me, the police will take a dim view of this, and will take action. I know you don't feel like it at the moment, but you are in a powerful position. I would be telling your DH to leave, and changing the locks, rather than you leaving. I say this because I think it would be less disruptive and traumatic for the DC, when they have already been through a traumatic time. I'm sure the other DC must have heard what was going on, and must have felt really scared too. Your H is in a very vulnerable position due to his job, and you can use this to your advantage.

You poor thing. Look after yourself and you family. x

MissVerinder Wed 30-Jan-13 09:31:18

You really need to call someone. SS, the police, your parents, anyone, and tell them about this.

Please, you need to leave. I know your dH is at home with your 3yo. would your parents pick him up on the pretext of a trip out or something?

Could you go home sick from your course to your parents house, let them pick up the eldest 2 and stay there?

My heart goes out to you and your DCs, but please, take action before someone else does.

shine0ncrazydiamond Wed 30-Jan-13 09:32:13

Agree with Quint.

No matter what your fearS, you HAVE to protect your child. And you have to do it today.

ArtemisiaGentileschisThumb Wed 30-Jan-13 09:32:27

My mother failed to protect me from abuse, she didn't have anywhere near the support available now but I still resent her for it, it has destroyed our relationship.
It's not easy by any means but you must protect your children at all costs, there are lots of sources of support to help you leave the situation you and your children are in but I can't think of a single good reason for you to stay with a man who treats your children so cruelly.
Unfortunately you have to take responsibility for your children's safety here.

pictish Wed 30-Jan-13 09:32:51

The sort of parent who is shit scared Quint.
The sort of parent whose reality has been turned on its head by a dominant and frightening man.
The sort of parent who is now reaching out to us for reassurance, help and advice.

She knows this is all fucked up, and she knows she needs to do something about it. That's why she has told us what is going on. It's the first step in her journey to escaping his abuse.

Please please please don't hammer her any more people.

PureQuintessence Wed 30-Jan-13 09:33:38

If your mil abused your dh, how does your dh feel about his dad?

Your son will grow up and realize that you did not protect him, and hate you as much as he hates his dad.

Do you want this?

PureQuintessence Wed 30-Jan-13 09:35:06

She has told us, and we cant do anything. She needs to tell the police, or SS herself to get help. She needs to tell her parents. She cannot sit and hope that her son reports it, because this will help her children but wont help her.

PetiteRaleuse Wed 30-Jan-13 09:35:46

Pictish I think your plea will fall on deaf ears. Hopefully OP will see through the hysteria to find the useful posts.

PureQuintessence Wed 30-Jan-13 09:35:52

And to be honest, I think she needs to act very fast, before her son says something.

AbigailAdams Wed 30-Jan-13 09:36:24

I agree pictish. She knows what needs to be done. I think after 90 posts of this she has got the message. Now she needs empowering to be able to make the change. For that she needs real life help and support.

There is no point her being railroaded into leaving if she is going to go back in a month because she wasn't ready or the support isn't there to help them live their life free of him. The leave has to be permanent. Therefore she has to be the one in control.

Badvoc Wed 30-Jan-13 09:37:46

I hope your son does tell his teachers.
At least they will protect him, because you aren't.

PureQuintessence Wed 30-Jan-13 09:37:46

Yes, I hope that the OP will look at the posts trying to help and advice her, and not bother about posts from posters turning on each-other, because that really does not help.

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