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Don't know where to turn - DH thinks his behaviour is acceptable, I can't get through to him

(239 Posts)
Pegpolkadot Wed 30-Jan-13 07:39:03

DH has always had a vile side. He has never laid a finger on me and never would but because his mother was physically abusive to him he in turn finds it acceptable to shout and hit the children.

The thing I can't understand is that he doesn't see that what he does to his own children is no different to what she did to him and that in the end they will feel the same way about him as he does about her.

Last night was bad. My DS1 aged 9 who has Aspergers revealed the extent of his constipation at about 10.30 when we came up to bed. He was terrified it was going to hurt so wouldn't go to the toilet. DH said I was being too nice about it and that he was going to make himself ill so he would deal with it. He towered over him shouting in his face, he tried hitting and punching him to scare him into it and when he repeatedly coughed he put his hand over his mouth to stop him.

As I put him to bed DS1 cried and asked me to promise I would never let that happen again sad

I have got to go on a course today so DH is in charge. Not worried as big 2 at school then my parents are picking them up from school. He will be fine with the 3 year old.

If DS discloses at school today they will call social services and part of me hopes he does. There is a good chance he will because of his Aspergers.

I don't know what to do. I've tried telling him this thing is not acceptable. I threatened to leave in August but he begged me to stay and changed for a while but the old him is creeping back in.


PetiteRaleuse Wed 30-Jan-13 07:56:32

Does the fact that your BIL is a family law specialist frighten you? It shouldn't. Please call women's aid and get advice.

frustratedashell Wed 30-Jan-13 07:56:39

Yes I agree, protect your family. Report him and escape. Get your parents to take the kids back to their house when they collect them from school. Also get the 3 year old out of the house, take the police with you if you have to. Or get your husband to leave.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Wed 30-Jan-13 07:57:55

He was actually punching him?!

Can you imagine being sat on the loo trying to do a poo and having someone slapping and punching you and putting their hand over your mouth while you are doing it?! Its absolutely horrific and something that will stay with your son for the rest of his life. Poor kid.

Not much that i read on here shocks me but this has. You often read posters talking about the abuse they endured as a child but you don't often read about it as its happening, especially not with one of the parents standing by sad

I know this must be hard for you, but you've asked him to change, he hasn't. What are you waiting for?

BinarySolo Wed 30-Jan-13 07:58:26

By taking no action you are choosing this violent and abusive man over your children. Report him and break the cycle.

Lueji Wed 30-Jan-13 07:59:46

You leave.
You don't threaten.

Why do you think people will say you're a bad mother?

You could go straight to SS, WA, and or a police dv unit. Or even take DS to the gp and let him tell what happened.

BinarySolo Wed 30-Jan-13 07:59:56

Oh and whatever commitments you have today, drop them. This should be your priority.

FirstTimeForEverything Wed 30-Jan-13 08:00:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour Wed 30-Jan-13 08:01:33

You said you're worried he can't see that he is behaving in the same way way as his abusive mother, and that he can't see the dc will feel the same way about him as he does his mother? Well they are going to feel that way about you watched your child be abused, you are not only not protecting them you are letting it happen, do you think that won't affect how they feel about you?

If you don't protect them and your son does disclose at school then do you think social services will think you're a fit mother? Do you think you are?

You can still change this, your son is begging you to help him and you still can but you can't turn a blind eye any longer

pictish Wed 30-Jan-13 08:02:06

OP call Women's Aid at the soonest opportunity.

I realise you are very frightened of the fall out and repercussions and all that can arise from it. You need support to do this....Women's Aid will help and advise about how to go about extricating yourself from this terrible situation. Your children need you to be strong now. If you do not take action, the repercussions will be worse.

We are behind you all the way. xxx

Pegpolkadot Wed 30-Jan-13 08:02:16

Every time I read this I cry. I don't want my children to see me cry. I will be back later.

pictish Wed 30-Jan-13 08:03:54

And please, can people not shout at her about her role in this.
She is very frightened of her husband.

It is support she needs...not recrimination.

pictish Wed 30-Jan-13 08:04:33

I will look in later OP. You have my full support.

TantrumsAndBalloons Wed 30-Jan-13 08:04:39

Did you promise your son that it would never happen again?

You have to leave, you cannot possibly think it's acceptable to stand by and watch a 9 year old be punched because he is scared to go to the toilet. And have his mouth covered because he is coughing.

I'm sorry, I know you feel you don't need people on the Internet having a go at you but honestly? You watched all this happen? And didn't stop it? And went off today leaving him in charge? And you are waiting for a 9 year old to report it?

What happens next if this continues? He breaks bones? Causes permanent damage?

Keep your promise to your son. Call women's aid. Call the police. Stop what you are doing, collect your DCs from school and take them as far away from this abusive man before he causes more irreversible damage.

There will be posters on here a lot nicer than me who will give you good practical advice without judging you.
Follow that advice.

FFS protect your children.

BinarySolo Wed 30-Jan-13 08:04:47

As I put him to bed DS1 cried and asked me to promise I would never let that happen again

This broke my heart. You have to act.

foihnula Wed 30-Jan-13 08:04:51

this man's an adult. He's made his choice and you need to make yours. You sound like a loving mum, surely you don't want them to resent you for staying with this man. You're the only one who can take them out of this situation so all you have to do is make that first move. My mum left my dad when I was young (he was violent/aggressive) and it's the thing i'm most thankful for out of everything. All the best, you can do it! smile

Trazzletoes Wed 30-Jan-13 08:07:08

Just because someone specialises in a certain area of law does not mean they can work miracles with a certain set of facts.

You need to do something.

The Police have procedures for dealing with crimes committed by their own.

NormaStanleyFletcher Wed 30-Jan-13 08:09:12

Peg. You can do this. We are here for you but you need some rl help. Can you talk to your parents? A friend. Please please call women's aid - they can help you.

Stay strong

cuggles Wed 30-Jan-13 08:09:16

I agree with everyone is horrifying, you must leave! Tell someone in rl...your mum,sister,best friend so they can tell you the same as we have and help you act and if needs be, keep on at you to do have to!! You are only a weak, bad mother if you carry on putting your children at risk, they need you to be strong! And please do not go on the do you know 3yr old will be ok...because he is less articulate about what happens in his day and less sure what is ok?! Worrying! Good luck, be strong

ClaimedByMe Wed 30-Jan-13 08:11:20

What happened last night will never leave your ds, he will never forget that and how do you know he will be fine with your 3 old, if that's what he does in front of you I cant imagine what goes on that you don't see

Inertia Wed 30-Jan-13 08:11:47

Sod the course. If your son has been punched -especially if it was in the head / face/ stomach - by a grown man then you need to get him checked out by a doctor to make sure there is no lasting damage.

biff23 Wed 30-Jan-13 08:12:10

It won't only ruin your dh's relationship with your children but yours too. You have a duty to protect your children but you are allowing their father to abuse them. I talk from experience, trust me the one who stands back and watches is just as bad, if not worse because you know how wrong it is. This breaks my heart, you know he should be out the house for safety's sake.

ILoveTIFFANY Wed 30-Jan-13 08:12:26

Look... You aren't weak. Just scared.

We can help you. Women's aid can too. But you need to be the one helping your kids.

Make the decision.... Come on, you can do it

PetiteRaleuse Wed 30-Jan-13 08:13:03

I don't think having a go at the OP is going to help her. She knows what she has to do, is frightened of her husband and feels bad enough already. What she needs from us is the support to leave. Blaming her and threatening her and shouting at her like some of you are doing is not supportive. When you are in a situation like that you can't see the wood for the trees. Please don't make it worse for her.

OP. I understand that you are dealing with a lot today with your course, and also trying to process what your husband did to your son. Please can you Try, perhaps during a break, to phone WA or the police and ask for advice? You can do it anonymously. You understand that this situation is wrong and urgently needs to change, and phoning WA will help you make the changes you need.

AnyFucker Wed 30-Jan-13 08:13:43

I am in tears for your son

Please protect him and follow the advice on this thread

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 30-Jan-13 08:14:39

Please get RL support for this. Your parents seem engaged with your family, for example. Tell them what has happened and that you're going to be calling the police. If you have any friends you can trust, tell them as well. The Womens Aid charity specialise in helping women and children who are suffering male abuse. Even your GP would be a good place to speak confidentially.

What is most frightening, and what abusers rather rely upon, is feeling that you are alone in a traumatic situation. It's very common for victims like you to hide the true nature of what's been happening because they fear it'll look bad on them, or the children will be taken into care or similar. That's not the case. You've made a big step by describing what's happened on here.... please follow up by telling someone IRL

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