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Don't know where to turn - DH thinks his behaviour is acceptable, I can't get through to him

(239 Posts)
Pegpolkadot Wed 30-Jan-13 07:39:03

DH has always had a vile side. He has never laid a finger on me and never would but because his mother was physically abusive to him he in turn finds it acceptable to shout and hit the children.

The thing I can't understand is that he doesn't see that what he does to his own children is no different to what she did to him and that in the end they will feel the same way about him as he does about her.

Last night was bad. My DS1 aged 9 who has Aspergers revealed the extent of his constipation at about 10.30 when we came up to bed. He was terrified it was going to hurt so wouldn't go to the toilet. DH said I was being too nice about it and that he was going to make himself ill so he would deal with it. He towered over him shouting in his face, he tried hitting and punching him to scare him into it and when he repeatedly coughed he put his hand over his mouth to stop him.

As I put him to bed DS1 cried and asked me to promise I would never let that happen again sad

I have got to go on a course today so DH is in charge. Not worried as big 2 at school then my parents are picking them up from school. He will be fine with the 3 year old.

If DS discloses at school today they will call social services and part of me hopes he does. There is a good chance he will because of his Aspergers.

I don't know what to do. I've tried telling him this thing is not acceptable. I threatened to leave in August but he begged me to stay and changed for a while but the old him is creeping back in.


CheerfulYank Wed 30-Jan-13 07:42:40

Leave. I'd leave. Today. And I wouldn't go back.

Rainbowinthesky Wed 30-Jan-13 07:42:48

Report him to the police. Why are you leaving it to your son to report it? You are his parent and responsible for his safety. You are culpable by doing nothing.

Rainbowinthesky Wed 30-Jan-13 07:44:10

Nor do you have to go on a course today. You do have to protect your dc. Are you in shock do you think?

Sugarice Wed 30-Jan-13 07:44:20

He is hitting and punching your child!

Be a Mother and protect him, you are compliant in this abuse unless you stop him.

INFORM THE POLICE and leave this vile vile man.

MissPants Wed 30-Jan-13 07:44:27

Leave. That's what I would do. He should not be in charge of your children, or alone with them. He is abusing them and you need to protect them now.

Instead of waiting and hoping for your DS to disclose, take the bull by the horns and disclose it yourself.

Call Womens Aid. This man will not change, that is why his old self is creeping back in. This is the real him, everything else is just an act to keep you where he wants you. Always hoping it will get better.

It won't. Call Womens Aid and get your DC away from him asap.

Pegpolkadot Wed 30-Jan-13 07:44:45

I'm scared of all the fallout. I am weak. I am going to get flamed for being a bad mother.

purrpurr Wed 30-Jan-13 07:45:20

What kind of parent are you aiming to be? Do you seriously expect your child to have to rescue himself from an abusive parent? That is your job. Leave and report him to the police. I am appalled.

Kyrptonite Wed 30-Jan-13 07:45:44

Go home, pack a bag, get the DCs and leave. He sounds like a monster tbh.

Sugarice Wed 30-Jan-13 07:45:49

Sorry but you are neglecting your children by doing nothing.

Get help and protect your children!

Rainbowinthesky Wed 30-Jan-13 07:46:02

You are not weak. You have posted for advice. You need to get help in rl.

StewieGriffinsMom Wed 30-Jan-13 07:46:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kyrptonite Wed 30-Jan-13 07:46:34

Your scared of the fallout? How do you think your children feel being scared of their father?

purrpurr Wed 30-Jan-13 07:46:59

Peg, you might get a lot of shocked responses. You did ask us what we would do. Leave and report him. Not ask him nicely not to beat up the children anymore. You've tried that and it didn't work, surprise surprise.

Report him as soon as you can.

Droflove Wed 30-Jan-13 07:47:01

I'm sorry to say that I would have to leave anyone who abused my child like that. The poor boy, I'm sure he is permanently scared from last nights incident alone. If you think what happened could lead to ss being called, you obviously realise how bad what happened actually is. If you can't protect you children, that is what ss is for and quite rightly so.

You sound like a good and loving mum who deserves to keep and bring up her kids but you absolutely must put their well being first. I imagine it difficult as things are probably fine most of the time but last nights incident on its own is bad enough not to be able to continue with this man having room to abuse his children.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 30-Jan-13 07:47:51

The fallout will be far worse if you and your DCs stay with this man. Please take all the children far away from him, call the police about the assault and have him removed from your home. He doesn't have a 'vile side'.... he's a very dangerous man.

AbigailAdams Wed 30-Jan-13 07:47:59

Oh Peg that is horrific. Your poor son. That is absolutely and completely unacceptable and constitutes child abuse. Be in no doubt about that. I would be making urgent plans to leave. What do you want to do? Bearing in mind that you will never mahe your husband see what he has done as being wrong. Because it is his attitude that is wrong not just his behaviour.

Personally I have never understood the defence of being abused as a child makes you abusive as a parent. Logically it should make you more sympathetic. So I would also be wondering whether his childhood abuse story is a crock of shit embellished.

Glenrosa Wed 30-Jan-13 07:48:18

What's more important to you, your child's safety and well being or the opinion of people on a forum?

You cannot allow this abuse to go on. Protect your child. That is what being a mother is about.

AbigailAdams Wed 30-Jan-13 07:50:36

Peg I would also ring any sympathetic friend or family. You need real life help. Failing that ring Women's Aid.

Pegpolkadot Wed 30-Jan-13 07:51:26

I know what I have to do.

He works for the police and is the main breadwinner. His brother is a family law specialist.

What a mess.

VBisme Wed 30-Jan-13 07:51:36

Getting flamed on here is the least of your worries.

You need to get your children out of this situation immediately, he won't change.

If you don't feel you can do anything then call social services yourself (expecting a child to deal with this himself is not acceptable).

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 30-Jan-13 07:52:46


You threatened to leave this man back in August; this time around carry out this properly and do not let him weasel his way back in. Enlist the help of Womens Aid now and seek legal advice re separation to boot.

Just telling him his behaviour is not acceptable does not work because your H likely thinks he has done nothing wrong in the first place (his mother probably thinks also along those lines).

Surely what happened last night is the straw that now breaks the camel's back here.

What do you get from this relationship now?. Something has kept you within this to date.

You and this man should not be together.

I guess by his words and actions he frightened and or threatened you enough to make you back away re your son but he went on to terrorise him. What did you do whilst your H was doing all this to your son?. Poor kid. Why did you not call the police?.

I hope your son does disclose as well to his teachers but you need to protect your children from this man properly as of now. You did not manage to fully protect your son last night from his violent father.

FirstTimeForEverything Wed 30-Jan-13 07:55:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HidingFromDD Wed 30-Jan-13 07:56:04

I was that child


MissPants Wed 30-Jan-13 07:56:09

You won't be flamed. You have come here for advice and support because deep down you know you need to do something. You just need to feel strong enough.

How did you feel when you were watching your son terrified of his father? Keep that feeling close, don't allow that feeling to fade because that particular incident is over. Let it motivate you to do what you have to, stop this from happening again. You need never feel that way again, your DS need never feel that again if you act now.

The fallout from acting to protect your children can only be good, not easy, but ultimately good. The fallout from failing to act will be horrid and you know it.

Be strong for your DC. They need you now.

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