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Dilemma - report to police or not.

(115 Posts)
findingmymarbles Tue 29-Jan-13 23:14:34

Posted in Chat before, as I wanted it to disappear, but two weeks on I'm a bit better and would like honest opinions.

I split up with OH of 3 years before Christmas. There was an OW, who moved in as I moved out.

Due to the nature of both my job and his, our paths are inevitably going to cross, unless I considerably change my lifestyle and career path.

After moving out on the 13th of December, and subsequently finding out about OW I was in a bit of a mess. However, I picked myself up and began a freelance business related to what XOH and I did.

Two weeks ago I got a job that involved going onto a property that OH owned. In the interest of being a grown up, and also knowing that if OH chose he could have taken the job on himself I rang him and a) asked his permission to be on his property and b) explained to him what I'd be doing.

At this point I assumed I'd be dealing with a rational person. I was quite wrong. When I arrived on the property, before anyone could see me arrive he came across the yard, caught me by the hair and dragged me into a shed, where he fondled my breasts while watching out of the window in case anyone was watching.

I was asking him what he was doing, telling him to let me go, etc, but because he had been my best friend for 3 years I thought if I reasoned with him it would be ok. When he ascertained that there was nobody to see him, he dragged me by the hair into his house, pressed my face against the wall and told me to take my shoes off. I did, but kept saying, what are you doing, let go.

He then picked me up by the end of my plait and the back of my jeans, which hurt quite a lot, and carried me upstairs. He pinned me on the bed, and the whole time I was saying, get off, get off, and fighting, and wriggling. He had my fringe pinned to the bed, so my head was back, and was lying on my legs so couldn't move. He was trying to kiss me and to get his hands in my trousers, but didn't have enough hands to pin me down and get my clothes off. The whole time I was saying get off.

When he realised I was not giving in, several minutes later, he let me go and I ran out of the house.

There is no physical damage, no witnesses, it is my word against his. So shoulod I report?

nospace Wed 30-Jan-13 09:24:51

If he was a stranger, would you report it?

HoratiaWinwood Wed 30-Jan-13 09:36:21

I believe you.

Just checking in to join the supportive voices.

What a fucking sleaze bag.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Wed 30-Jan-13 09:55:39

If he was a stranger, there wouldn't be the risk of OP having to work with him again.

Astelia Wed 30-Jan-13 10:04:53

Great advice from vicar, who knows what she is talking about.

findingmymarbles Thu 31-Jan-13 00:36:29

Small, slightly unexciting update. As I was working flat-out, there wasn't time to give a statement today, but have made an appointment at the police station tomorrow.

After speaking to his exW today, it seems he has assaulted her twice in the last 6 months, and those incidents have been logged with the police. Due to circumstances that I can't go into on here, she hasn't pressed charges.

This only makes me more determined to make sure he is at the very least incovenienced, and at the most, arrested and charged!

izzyizin Thu 31-Jan-13 00:46:59

May I suggest you regard the information you have received today as hearsay which there is no need for you to mention at the time you report your ex/make a statement.

May I also suggest you take steps ensure that any statement you make is given to a police officer who is specially trained in sex crimes - your police authority will have a Sex Crimes Unit staffed by dedicated officers.

findingmymarbles Thu 31-Jan-13 01:03:08

Thankyou izzy, but she has given me incident numbers to quote, the names of the officers involved etc, it is fairly concrete.

My problem is, I think I should feel worse than I do to qualify for special treatment. I'm ok. I get up and go to work, I haven't cried since it happened. I am ever so slightly wary being on my own with men.

Mainly, my Knobhead Detector is turned up to full! I just want this to be over I suppose, so I can stop thinking about it.

izzyizin Thu 31-Jan-13 01:26:31

It may or may be the case that the police have prior knowledge of this man but I am strongly cautioning you not to refer to what can be regarded as hearsay for reasons which, given your concern not to be seen as reporting him out of spurious or malicious intent, should be obvious to you.

Darkesteyes Thu 31-Jan-13 01:45:10

I believe you OP. I will be thinking of you tomorrow. What a bastard.

kittybiscuits Thu 31-Jan-13 01:50:32

OP please think about what Izzy is saying. It could undermine your position. You know what happened to you. It sounds v scary. Just tell the police what happened to you and if there are any dots to be joined, leave it to them. Good luck with your appointment.

LesBOFerables Thu 31-Jan-13 01:55:41

I echo all this- good luck, and good for you. You are doing the right thing.

Thumbwitch Thu 31-Jan-13 02:03:49

I agree with Izzy on not telling them about the exW's incidents. The reason is because they might see it as a kind of "witch hunt" against him and be less inclined to follow through; let them discover that he is in the system already for themselves, without you telling them.

jynier Thu 31-Jan-13 02:09:43

*findingmymarbles" - have only just seen your thread but you must certainly give information about your assault to the police! Best wishes

OldLadyKnowsNothing Thu 31-Jan-13 02:13:51

You are very brave, findingmymarbles, I salute you. Best wishes and good luck.

Mosman Thu 31-Jan-13 02:20:11

Please report this to the police asap. He needs it spelling out in no uncertain terms that what he did was disgraceful and the only people to do it are uniformed officers anyone else he won't see how awful it was.

izzyizin Thu 31-Jan-13 02:27:56

As many victims of sex crimes and domestic violence will testify, the police response to such complaints and the manner in which victims are treated can be something of a postcode lottery in that positive outcomes may depend on the experience and efficiency of the officer(s) who respond on the day.

From what you have written, it would appear that your ex's assault on you was sexual in intent and, for the reasons above, I once again urge you to make an appointment with an officer who operates out of your regional police authority's Sex Crimes Unit and who has been specially trained to investigate complaints of this nature.

If you are reporting petty theft or similar, taking potluck at your local police station is par for the course but it is not to be recommended to anyone who wishes to report the type of offence you have described.

Needless to say, making reference to a previous complainant when reporting an unwitnessed assault is something to be avoided as it may give the impression that the subsequent complainant is in cohoots with the party who made the first allegation.

izzyizin Thu 31-Jan-13 02:31:26

the only people to do it are uniformed officers IME plainclothes police officers have the expertise to point out the error of a suspect's ways as effectively as their uniformed counterparts, Mosman.

Mosman Thu 31-Jan-13 02:40:59

Somebody with a badge then

izzyizin Thu 31-Jan-13 02:53:09

Parking warden, bus driver, platform guard, museum attendant? I suspect they're not what you had in mind Mosman, albeit that some turn into little Hitlers authoritative figures once they don a uniform grin

Mosman Thu 31-Jan-13 03:02:10

This is a thread about somebody nearly being raped, you think that's appropriate, really ?

izzyizin Thu 31-Jan-13 04:57:27

FGS. I find it as appropriate as the implications of your risible belief that only uniformed officers can spell out to sex offenders 'in no uncertain terms' that their behaviour is 'disgraceful', Mosman.

If you spend a day at the coalface of violent crime, or at any venue which exposes you to the harsher realities of life and death, you may discover why indulging in light or dark humour on occasion is essential to the mental wellbeing of the workers.

Mosman Thu 31-Jan-13 04:59:29

you may discover why indulging in light or dark humour on occasion is essential to the mental wellbeing of the workers

And you think that's something an attempted rape victim might appreciate do you ?

izzyizin Thu 31-Jan-13 06:17:16

I see no reason why not, Mosman, but that may be because, unlike yourself, I don't seek to stereotype either police officers or victims of crime as I regard them as individuals and behave towards them accordingly.

In this case, the OP has continued to work which suggests she's adopted a pragmatic approach to her ordeal and, although she felt unnerved when 'a very good male friend made a gentle joke about what happened', she responded differently when her 'female friends made similar comments' which leads me to believe she has not suffered from any sense of humuor failure.

Neverthless, I have urged her - and do so yet again - to speak with a police officer who is specifically trained in sex crimes and, if she does not choose to act on this advice, I would suggest she makes contact with who are best placed to facilitate rl support and counselling should she at any time, no matter how many years may have elapsed, feel the need for such services.

At present, I suspect the OP is still experiencing feelings of shock, and quite possibly a residual sense of disbelief, that the man who had been her 'best friend for 3 years' could behave in such a manner, but it may be that making a statement could bring home to her the seriousness of what took place and how fortunate she was in being able to prevail on him to let her go.

It's often the case that it's only when realisation dawns as to how much worse an outcome could have been that the real business of processing a life threatening situation begins and, as unpalatable a thought it may be for the OP to come to terms with, for the time she was held prisoner in her ex's home, her life was under threat.

Under the circumstances, and in the light of further information the OP has posted, IMO this offender deserves considerably more than 'somebody with a badge' telling him in no uncertain terms he's 'disgraceful' but, unless she is able to refrain from mentioning what she was told yesterday, the already slim chance of him being brought to account for his actions will be further diminished.

sparklyjumper Thu 31-Jan-13 07:07:06

OP not sure if you are reading today but have a good read and a good think about all that izzyizin is saying. This is really serious, you might still be in shock now but at the very least don't discuss with the police what you have discussed with his ex, wrong as it may be it could undermine you badly and be used to make you look malicious which is almost certainly be what he will say.

IDreamedADreamOfSausageRolls Thu 31-Jan-13 08:10:42

Agree - report but don't mention the exw's incidents. None of that would be inadmissible in court. You need to get your incident on record without any danger of it looking like a malicious plot between angry women (sorry). Good luck.

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