Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Don't quite know what to do(21 Posts)
Firstly an apology as this will be very long and rambley but I need to get it out and I can't talk to anyone in RL.
Have been with DP 4 years now, he bought us a house and we have a mortgage, I am 4weeks pg (planned so we were thrilled with the news) and planning to marry in a few weeks as I want to be a proper family before DC arrives.
We have always had our moments as with any relationship there is good and bad.
But recently issues between us have reached boiling point, DP works full time but only just manages to keep a roof over our heads and has no desire to find a better job I don't earn a lot as I only work part time and I'm still studying and paying rent on a flat, car insurance, bills at the flat etc. So I never have any spare cash, any I do goes straight into the house DP & I share which in comparison to his contribution is nothing and I understand and appreciate that he has invested a lot of money, but all I seem to get is him saying its "his house and he'll do whatever he pleases, he bought it so I cant tell him what to do in his house" (ie doing his own washing for once!!). This all reached boiling point a few days ago when he started shouting about all this as his card had been declined and we're still a very long way from pay day. An argument built up and escalated, there was a lot of pushing and pulling (on both parts) and I've gone back to my flat.
I do love DP but I don't know if I can cope with the mood swings and never having any money- that might sound shallow but all I can think is its ok now not to ever have the heating on but when dc arrives what will we do then? How will we cope financially? How will we be able to buy nappies or food? Will the arguing continue? How will that affect dc?
If we were to separate though I would have no where to go.
My contract finishes in march and I'd never manage the rent alone, it's close to uni which is 80 miles from my home town, when DC arrives I don't want to be that far from my family
Why do you have a flat?I think it is very difficult for a couple to have two properties to maintain- is it necessary?
if you gave up the flat could you save money? could you become a co-owner of the house that he bought? you need to think about the house as being both of yours/the family house- personally it shouldn't matter who owns it.
I do think it is bit harsh to say that he has no desire to find a better job- it is not necessarily that easy.
I signed a 2 year lease on the flat for uni before DP bought his house, it seemed like the best thing to do at the time instead of staying with my mum.
I understand that legally the house belongs to him but I helped him as much as I could financially ( about 4 grand in comparison to his 35 but that was every penny I had I know don't have a penny to my name)
He's been offered better paid jobs several times! It's ok now that we have no cash to live off for the next four weeks but what about when dc arrives?
Do you think he's really, really worried about the finances and it is making him behave like this? Or is he just a bit of a twat.
I would be horrified if my dh, who makes the money to pay the majority of the bills, treated me like this. You are in it together when you have a house and are going to be parents. You can't spend the rest of your days with someone who wants to have separate money and who is going to argue about who pays for the bulb in the bedside lamp on your side.
I think he's just being a twat- he is constantly offered overtime and declines for "time with the lads"
I'm just so scared to leave him and be by myself with dc on the way,
Better alone than with a twat.
It sounds like you know you want to leave him but you are worried about how you will manage.
Oh that nakes more sense.
You could try and resolve the flat issue (get out of the lease/sublet it etc) but i guess its not the key issue.
you need to sit down with him (when he is calm)and discusss the implications of having a baby- its not just finances - would he expect to carry on going out with the lads once the baby arrives? once you are married would he view things differently re the house? what are your plans re childcare etc?
I think it is unacceptable that he views the house as his and then acts selfishly- I pay 100% bills/rent/mortgage etc and no way would i do this-DP sometimes tries to avoid making a decision etc on the house becasue its mine but i regard that as equally wrong
We never seem to be able to have a calm discussion, i just feel like such an idiot! i was wearing my rose tinted glasses for such a long time! i don't want dc to be brought into a broken home, i wanted us to be a proper family, but I don't think I can carry on being miserable we just bring out the absolute worst in each other. Surely that's not healthy?
He and his family (FIL in particular) think I want to get married so I'll have rights to his house-completely untrue (if I wanted to be with someone for their money I'd be with someone richer than DP). So I don't think things will change.
Once dc arrived the plan was for me to stay at home and then around 6mnths go back to work a few evenings a week when DP would put him/her to bed.
Would you stay with him?
"his house and he'll do whatever he pleases, he bought it so I cant tell him what to do in his house"
he started shouting about all this as his card had been declined
An argument built up and escalated, there was a lot of pushing and pulling
the mood swings
He's an abusive, highly unpleasant twat. Stay in your flat and make sure he pays towards your child when it's born.
Feeling secure and happy in your home is an absolute must IMO. If someone is constantly saying "This is my house" you will never feel secure, it'll always feel like you're just a lodger who could be thrown out at any time. It'll also mean that you'll have no say in any big decisions to do with the house which over time will totally grind you down.
Apart from that, if you're at the point where you're having physical fights with your partner, it's definitely time to end it. There's no way you can bring a child into that.
It's as much up to you to provide as him - but then I'm all for equality. Which comes to the house which 'he bought'. Treating you like you have moved in on his turf. It should of been more a case of you buying a house together, with both your names on the mortgage as you say you contribute too. Are you on the mortgage?
so you gave him all your spare cash four gand and have nothing to show for it? no legal recognition?
get your four grand back off him and live apart a while longer in your flat
wait til you a bit more pregnant before making rash decisions
When you look at the past turbulence in your relationship, could that have a part to play in why you have kept the flat? Has he bought the house in his name for the same reason? Seems somewhere in the background you were both having contingency plans in expectation that it would fail, not the best way to start off family life. Perhaps stay in the flat, there may be good reason why you kept it on when you think about it.
I wouldn't want to be with him in that situation no. It's not normal that he is accusing you of wanting to marry him for financial,reasons. That's not the way he should be thinking during this exciting time of his life when he is planning to get married and is having a baby.
Would he go to relationship counselling with you and what do your friends in real life think?
So many red flags here this sort of horribleness/abusiveness often only reveals itself when yo have given up your home/are pregnant. There are lots of posters on here who are better able to explain this than I am and I hope they will be along shortly.
Please think carefully about staying with this man, let alone about marrying him and having his baby. At 4 weeks you do have options (sorry), but time passes quickly and if nothing has changed 6 months from now you will be royally screwed.
I dont mean to sound nasty but why are you having a baby if youre struggling financially? He does sound like he will continue in the same way, which is not much use to you. I agree with numberlock
It doesn't sound like he's ready to be a family if he is saying it's "his house". Does he really want a baby? What exactly is it that you love about him?
You want a 'Proper family'... not a 'broken home'.
You can be a proper family with your children as a single parent, and a broken home is one which contains an abusive adult.
I think the fact you are asking whether you should stay with him speaks volumes. It seems like you know things are not right and you know you do not like the situation you are in but you because you really want things to be different - you want a loving home and partnership to bring a child into - you are hoping that things will change for the better.
However, you know deep down that they won't don't you? I was in a similar situation once. It took me a long time to see the light but once I made the decision to go I never looked back. Be strong and get the hell out while you can. He's a controlling emotionally abusive Dickwit.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.