Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I have a choice, an abortion or relationship

(116 Posts)
tuckit Mon 28-Jan-13 16:36:04

ok, i'm ancient, dp even more so.

i was open about wanting to have a baby and initiating unprotected sex. dp was quite clear about not wanting another baby, most of the time, but on at least one occasion he agreed that we could try. he would sometimes ask if I was fertile and if I said yes he would say no sex then, most times he wouldn't ask. I was monitoring my cycles and never lied about cycle status.

I am now pregnant and he is saying I tricked him into it. He feels abused and wants me to have an abortion. If not he wants us to split up, even though we have a toddler that he loves.
I don't accept that he was tricked, I believed that because he knew the risks he was consenting. I really don't think I'm deluding myself about this. He does.

So, I'm faced with the choice, abortion and status quo in terms of relationship and living arrangements, or continuing with the pregnancy and uprooting all of us from our house and separating existing child from father.

Can I actually terminate this pregnancy that I really wanted without going mad? Is that what I have to do?

BacardiNCoke Mon 28-Jan-13 21:18:33

20 years ago my mum got pregnant unexpectedly (although how it could have been unexpected when they were having unprotected sex I don't know hmm). My dad absolutely didn't want the baby, (me and my sister were teenagers at the time). He pretty much railroaded my mum into having an abortion, (said that another child would split them up). She had the abortion even though she very much wanted the baby. My dad did then have the snip soon after. But they divorced 3 years later. My mum has said that her single biggest regret is not having the baby. Their marriage was on the rocks after that anyway, she could never really forgive him.

OP if you terminate a child you want just to appease this man and save your relationship it won't work. If he truly loved you he wouldn't be giving you an ultimatum like this, he would support you. And quite frankly, where the fuck did he get sex education from? He already has a child you'd think he'd know how they're made. hmm You will regret not having this baby and your relationship probably won't survive anyway.

Lueji Mon 28-Jan-13 21:33:12

If he didn't want one and knew that you did he should've stuck a condom on his dick.

Or have the snip.

NutellaNutter Mon 28-Jan-13 21:35:07

He sounds like a complete tosser.

sunnyday123 Mon 28-Jan-13 21:37:01

Actually if your relationship is strong enough I think it could survive an abortion.

2 years ago I was desperate for a third child. My dh wasn't as keen but I pestered and pestered and he agreed to try. I think he expected it to take ages as it had taken me up to a year ttc my first two.

During this 3rd time my dh did say he wasn't keen etc but I just hoped and presume he'd change his mind. As he knew I was not on the pill I thought he was ok really ( though he also thought he'd made his feeling pretty clear too)

One night we had a real heart to heart and I realised I had pushed him into something I wanted and not what we both wanted. So I agreed to stop trying. The very next day I found out I was pregnant. Dh was gutted and I was secretly pleased tbh but over the next few days I realised having the baby would cause more resentment than not. Put simply my marriage and family were more important to me so I had an abortion. I have no regrets whatsoever and we are stronger than ever as dh knows how much I respected his opinion.

If you knew your dp did not want a child then this situation is not all his fault. At the end of the day if you knew he didn't want one then surely you would be more likely to use protection knowing that this could be a decision you would have to make? yes men must take responsibility etc but us women are in charge of our own bodies and it sounds like you wanted this baby more than you valued your relationship. The question now is where the balance lies now. You have one child together and otherwise give the impression things a fine. He has a right to be upset as you do but it does sound like you have been dismissive of his concerns (as I was).

I'm not trying to judge but i feel ive been there and its not nice finally admitting that you have taken control of a situation the other person didnt want. i hated how trapped i had made my dh feel and feel so guilty for those months I put us through.

I just wanted to let you know that people can come back from abortions, stronger and more respectful of each other than before. Good luck in whatever you decide.

LilyAmaryllis Mon 28-Jan-13 21:39:37

It sounds to me like you want a baby, so, don't have an abortion. You will regret it. You might not get another chance for a baby. What will be, will be with your relationship.

Lueji Mon 28-Jan-13 21:44:59

Sunny, did your OH make you choose between him and the unborn child?
From your post, you decided that you didn't want to impose a child on your OH, a decision made out of love for him.

The OP's husband knew it was not safe and he is trying to force her to have an abortion.
I could not stay with someone like that, regadless of having an abortion or not.

If he really thinks he was tricked, then he should leave the relationship now.

Varya Mon 28-Jan-13 21:45:16

Men who don't want children should take equal responsibility for birth control IMO. Why leave it all to their female partner whom he is fully aware could become pregnant? How immature. For me, the baby wins hands down, termination is no option in your situation and like other posters I feel he is a completely selfish knob to even expect you to do this.

marriedinwhite Mon 28-Jan-13 21:46:54

What do you want most - him or the baby? You knew it was a deal breaker so why did you take the chance if it was him most of all? He is an adult; he can make the choice to stay or leave. The baby has no choice in this at all.

I think you betrayed his wishes. You are an adult; you knew you could get pregnant and you knew there was not a mutual desire for you to get pregnant. Yes he could have taken more precautions but you said you initiated unprotected sex and we all know that men are ruled by their dicks rather than their brains. That's why women are superior to men; we have more common sense and better brains

BacardiNCoke Mon 28-Jan-13 21:52:53

Also a bit similar to sunnyday, I desperately wanted a second child, but DH didn't. We weren't using protection and the inevitable happened. He was to put it mildly gutted when I told him. He was already depressed and this sent him deeper. But, he never even mentioned abortion at all. He saw that he had played his part in making this baby and so stepped up and dealt with the consequences. DD2 is 6 now, and he loves her just as much as dd1 and DSD. He came around towards the end of the pregnancy and was very happy when she was born. He had the snip last year as we both don't want any more children. Our relationship was fine, but honestly if he had given me an ultimatum like your DP has I couldn't have stayed with him. I would have lost all respect for him.

sunnyday123 Mon 28-Jan-13 21:53:43

I did want the baby very much and my dh did not ask me to choose but things were very bad for a while. He basically thought I had been so obsessed with wanting this "ideal third child" that everything else was less important. He also said some pretty hurtful things, not as bad as op's partner but not far off.

In a way though what I did was pretty bad too. I had ignored his concerns, initiated sex during my fertile period as much as i could etc. I put us in the situation of having to have an abortion which tbh was easier for me than dh (I was 5 weeks pregnant and look at it from a now point of view than the potential iykwim).

Dh also knew it was not safe but I think he went along ablivious thinking a) we still had ages as only been trying a month b) that I'd change my mind.

yes he was naive and yes he knew what he was risking but so did I. I'm not a child and ultimately what I risk for my body etc is much more my responsibility not my dh. Even though the abortion has a horrible event, seeing our marriage recover made it worth it.

BacardiNCoke Mon 28-Jan-13 21:55:22

marriedinwhite really? hmm I do hope you're being sarcastic?

marriedinwhite Mon 28-Jan-13 21:58:19

Sarcasm? Two adults make informed choices. The unborn child does not.

QueenofPlaids Mon 28-Jan-13 21:58:41

DP has always been clear that if I got pregnant, we would deal with it & that he would support my choices. I don't particularly want kids ATM (possibly never), but am not totally against. We are careful, but could be moreso if either of us felt hugely strongly about it iyswim.

Of course things change, but when we were young and kids would've been an absolute disaster, we doubled up. Not because we couldn't trust each other, but because we both wanted to take responsibility. When we stopped we both acknowledged that potentially, there could be a pregnancy.

Your DP seems to have missed the bit where he also has to take responsibility. Yes you were probably a bit foolish to continue with unprotected sex when he didn't want children, but on the other hand, if you have a strong urge to do so it's easy to rationalise, whereas he did nothing to prevent it.

How is your relationship with your DP otherwise? From the sounds of it this could be a last chance, so if the relationship is not ideal (and the communication aspect sounds a bit lacking to be perfectly frank) it may not survive a coerced abortion in any case.

frustratedworkingmum Mon 28-Jan-13 21:59:17

im sorry but i think that you have both been really irresponsible, you knew you could get pregnant and HE knew you could get pregnant, now the reality doesn't suit sad

BacardiNCoke Mon 28-Jan-13 22:01:41

I'm talking about your "oh the poor menz can't control what's in their pants" attitude marriedinwhite. He's 50% responsible for this baby, if he so vehemently didn't want this baby he should have worn a bloody condom. Contraception is not purely the women's responsibility!

CheerfulYank Mon 28-Jan-13 22:35:58

Totally agree Bacardi.

I think abortion is much easier for's not their body. For men it can be like it never happened. It will always have happened for a woman.

marriedinwhite Mon 28-Jan-13 22:56:39

No it isn't purely the woman's responsibility but regrettably women pay 100% of the price of the consequence and until men carry babies that will continue to be the case. Unfair - absolutely. True - absolutely. But until women face up to that fact and are prepared to take absolute responsibility they can't have absolute control.

Thewhingingdefective Mon 28-Jan-13 23:03:08

If you have the abortion because your partner wants you to you will resent him. If he really didn't want another baby he should have used condoms.

ThatVikRinA22 Mon 28-Jan-13 23:12:46

i would have counselling in your position OP - but my gut would be telling me what i needed to know i suspect.

if i were you i would call his bluff.

if he is using bully boy tactics to get his own way you will find out soon enough - if not and he is deadly serious then i would question how the relationship worked anyway - its ok while he gets what he wants? You say he knew you were not using protection - he must have realised what the consequences of that were.

responsibility is both of yours for this pregnancy - but its happened now. I know if i got pg now my DH would have a fit - but he would never force me to do something that i wasnt happy with, either way.

if you are a partnership you need to sit and discuss it.

CheerfulYank Tue 29-Jan-13 04:04:17

Well if she's got 100% of the responsibilities and consequences then she should have 100% of the decision.

Frankly he needs to man up. It's done. You can certainly choose not to continue the pregnancy but it will never not have happened.

MidnightMasquerader Tue 29-Jan-13 04:37:34

She is prepared to take absolute responsibility, marriedinwhite - and I don't really understand what you mean by 'they can't have absolute control'. They can. It may mean no compromise, but the DH's position means no compromise either. Why is his position the superior one?

The only way an abortion works long-term is if it's something you need (not want) to do for yourself.

stella1w Tue 29-Jan-13 05:17:30

Wouldn,t you rather have a relationship with a second child rather than this man?

Morloth Tue 29-Jan-13 06:41:03

Yep, his control over the situation is past.

You have to decide what you want, do you want another baby/child?

Honestly in the situation you describe I would be keeping the baby and losing the husband.

It is sad that you are so far apart on this, but if you have a termination you do not want, you will split up anyway, can't see it going any other way.

So your options really are: Have a Baby + Lose a Husband OR Have an Abortion + Lose a Husband.

DH would never make me choose between him and our children because he knows what that choice would be.

Inertia Tue 29-Jan-13 06:54:39

He had every chance to use a condom or have a vasectomy or refuse sex. He is also responsible for this pregnancy.

TBH it sounds like he is trying to opt out of this relationship anyway. Can you cope with being a single parent to two children? Mind you, the fact that he goes on about how important it is that he gets to pursue his life interests suggests that he might always put himself first whether in or out of the relationship.

CheerfulYank Tue 29-Jan-13 06:55:01

My DH either...I mentioned this thread and he was shocked.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now