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So DH said...

(964 Posts)
wavesandsmiles Mon 28-Jan-13 14:18:18

He knew I wouldn't want to hear it, but he really regrets getting me pregnant. I am 14 weeks pregnant with our first child, which we actively tried for. We each have 2 children from previous relationships, and there are blended family issues causing tension at the moment. I've been getting quite ill with regualr blackouts and am still suffering morning sickness.

We are going to try to make things work, but I am gutted to the core. It is not something that was said in the heat of a row, just in a "let's have a chat about what is wrong" talk.

I feel really upset - he is even talking about separating, and that his mum has offered to lend him money to get a deposit on a rented flat. We bought our forever home in October, and no way can I afford to pay the mortgage myself. I feel lost. I appreciate he is entitled to his own feelings, and to express these, but it doesn't hurt any less that he (a) is contemplating abandoning his pregnant wife and (b) has said he regrets the baby.

If he wants to separate, which he has said will be the case if our plan to improve things doesn't work, I really have no idea what will happen. I know this is a lot of what ifs, but the fact he has said how much he regrets all this, and that in his head he is at the stage where he has spoken to his mum who has offered him money, suggests that his mind may be made up already.

I think I just need some hand holding. He is/was my best friend, my happy ever after, only now it doesn't feel so much like that.

JaxTellerIsMyFriend Sun 10-Feb-13 11:27:15

morning waves speak to the staff, they dont have to say he is barred from visiting, just that you are not well enough for visitors at the moment when he comes calling. wink

Nobody in their right mind would argue with a locked door and intercom.

And if he has to bring things in for you (which I doubt he would) the staff can take it from him and deliver to you.

Midwife99 Sun 10-Feb-13 11:39:56

Why is he visiting? He doesn't want to talk to you & is leaving!! He's just torturing you! Definitely put a stop to it.

chocoreturns Sun 10-Feb-13 12:44:44

Your midwives are your army - do stop him from coming in, it will help. I put serious limits on my STBXH visiting the ward when I had DS2 after my section. He was NOT allowed in with other 'partners' during daytime visits, only in general visiting hours (2 hours a day) and he had to be accompanied either by his mother or by a midwife at all times. There was no sitting around making idle chit chat with me, and he was made fully aware that his presence was being tolerated not welcomed. You are quite entitled to build a protective wall around your baby and you, he does not have rights over you, your pregnancy or your newborn. He has responsibilities he has failed abjectly to meet - so call on the people around you who will help.

The senior midwife on the ward the day after I had DS2 who let him in came back and got rid of him 30mins later, and asked me how I felt, and if I was ok. I was fighting back tears saying what can you do? He's the dad. She looked at DS and said "Well it has to be said, your daddy is a Prick."

Which had me laughing and made me feel heaps better smile honestly, midwives are great. Let them police the twunt and help you get those boundaries in place xx

Midwife99 Sun 10-Feb-13 12:48:13

What's the difference between midwives & Rottweilers? Rottweilers don't wear lipstick!

porridgeLover Sun 10-Feb-13 13:23:09

waves , I know the thread has moved on a bit but this stuck in my head.

I need to stop being a princess as just start getting on with things. I feel even more emotionally battered now but at least I can understand his thought processes a bit more now

This sounds to me as if you are taking his point of view as being rational or having value or truth to it.

Absolutely not. Everything he says is designed to reduce you. With respect, I dont think you can understand his thought processes, as they are designed to destroy someone else, not build them up or support them. That is not who you are, nor is it how you think. So you cant understand how he thinks.
I think you are still trapped in thinking that this is, even in some small way, you fault. It is not.

I'm sorry if I seem to be lecturing you; but this knob is kicking someone who is on the floor. It is bullying of the most cowardly kind.
Allow him absolutely no space at all in your head.

I agree with not allowing him to spend any amount of time with you in hospital.

Midwife99 Sun 10-Feb-13 13:28:45

I agree with porridge lover - he is emotionally abusing you in your hospital bed. The lowest of the low. None of this is your fault!!

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sun 10-Feb-13 13:50:45

Waves what they say is true, hes an abuser, you need to change this process of what you perceive is normal, he obviously has laid the blame at your door more than once, probably many times, and hes reduced to a point, you just accept the blame, well this is not, was or ever will be your blame, hes a coward, evil, narcissistic and a bully, and you need to start thinking this is not good enough for you, you escape one man like this, you can do it again, after all they are the same kind, just different M O.

Midwife99 Sun 10-Feb-13 13:54:11

Please can I send you my copy of the Lundy Bancroft book? Pm me your address or a work address if you prefer.

Nanny0gg Sun 10-Feb-13 16:27:20

Just a thought re lodgers.

On the mainland, there is a teacher jobsearch in most LAs which has adverts for rooms. I don't know if there's something similar where you are, but it might be a good start for a search for (in theory!) semi-respectable lodgers!!

Undertone Sun 10-Feb-13 21:02:23

Evening waves. Hope you've managed to get a bit more comfortable. How are things? brew (if it wouldn't upset your tum)

springyhopes Mon 11-Feb-13 00:26:32

Honey, all the love and compassion that is pumping towards you now through MN could power London city imo. I have no doubt that it is reaching you... somehow (you know how these woo things go.. grin )

I am so glad you are in hospital (even though the bed is shite) ie getting the treatment you need. It's shit but go with it - for now. I do hope you stop him coming in. He is the lowest of the low.

Day at a time, lovely. Get GP/MW/HV etc onside to get your protected.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Mon 11-Feb-13 01:39:14

Waves, sweet, I'm concerned that you're hearing his argument and internalising it as well. Because what he's saying about 'you just have to get on with it, you're not that sick' is pretty much exactly the same script you get from your mother. And that's a powerful script, the one we get in childhood.

Waves, you are HOSPITALISED. A man who can see the mother of his child hospitalised and tell her I mean, wow.

Please talk to the midwife. And also, would you trust me enough to pm me which hospital you're at? I really, really want to send you a card. I'm in Australia, so I promise I won't stalk you. The air fares make it completely unfeasible.

wordyBird Mon 11-Feb-13 01:39:38

Hope you feel better soon, waves. Thinking of you.

Jux Mon 11-Feb-13 08:12:29

How are you this morning waves? I do hope you're beginning to feel better and the sickness is abating, that they've found a medication which works.

Do get the hospital staff around you to help. That's what they're there for, after all!

Sending lots of woo-type stuff in your direction grin

captainmummy Mon 11-Feb-13 08:13:18

Hope you're feeling better, Waves. And at least you are in good company- 'royalty' get Hyperemesis! Honestly I'd never heard of it before Kate went into hospital with it. Sounds grim.

WingDefence Mon 11-Feb-13 08:47:08

Morning waves - how did you sleep last night? x

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 11-Feb-13 11:58:28

This must be so debilitating, only a man with a lump of stone for a heart could possibly think you were laying it on thick or being 'princessy' in being incapacitated. Certainly ask staff to tell him you're not well enough for his visits. Your mum may not manage emotional support for her adult DD but she can probably cope fine with your DCs' day to day practical requirements so try not to fret.

JaxTellerIsMyFriend Mon 11-Feb-13 12:50:39

a family member of mine had this and she was very very ill and kept on being hospitalised.
Her husband worked in an industry where you couldnt just take time off work when someone was ill. But he did, he swapped things round, got cover, called in favours/help from family and friends. Everyone rallied round because that is what someone who loves you does when you are ill!

You are NOT being a princess, you do NOT have normal morning sickness where a piece of toast or a ginger biscuit eases the puke feeling.

wavesandsmiles Mon 11-Feb-13 17:56:03

Hi, haven't read the messages yet, but I'm now out of hospital after 7 litres of IV fluids and numerous injections. I feel drained. Stbexh is back here and won't go til I have found lodgers so I can pay the mortgage.

He moved back in while I was in hospital. Anyway, the next few weeks are going to be so, so hard. And it's all my fault apparently. I'm a drill sergeant mum for insisting on table manners. I'm in desperate need of therapy according to him because i am such an awful person.

I'll try to look at the thread once the DCs are in bed, but basically I feel totally battered. It's definitely over, and he will go, it's just the surviving in the meantime I have to get through.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Mon 11-Feb-13 18:00:38

Wow, it sounds like he really wants you to miscarry, you need to get the strength to boot he shitty, lying, abusive arse out.

AlfalfaMum Mon 11-Feb-13 18:03:21

Oh crap Waves, he really is the last person you need to be around. Did he just move himself back in?
Please, please dont listen to any of his toxic crap.

Midwife99 Mon 11-Feb-13 18:09:03

He won't go Waves. I think his abuse will escalate & you'll have to take legal action. Contact women's aid & your local domestic abuse unit at the police for help. He doesn't have to hit you to be made to leave for domestic abuse.

Midwife99 Mon 11-Feb-13 18:09:59

Also he is transferring - everything he says about you is what he actually thinks about himself - very very deep down!!

GregBishopsBottomBitch Mon 11-Feb-13 18:11:24

Lets pick apart his claims:

Its all your fault? No its not, telling you he regretted your pregnancy was the first shitty thing he did

You insist on table manners? Well so i do, most people do

Your an awful person? Thats not true now is it, he just wants to degrade you

Your not fun anymore? You have severe morning sickness, being fun would be last in anyones list

Your not severely ill? Well yes you are, since 2 periods in hospital arent just for fun

Although therapy might be a good thing, it can help you get the strength to put this dog to sleep, maybe they might be able to get him moved out, as a threat to yours and your childrens mental health.

DuchessFanny Mon 11-Feb-13 18:12:52

^^ What midwife says

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