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So DH said...

(964 Posts)
wavesandsmiles Mon 28-Jan-13 14:18:18

He knew I wouldn't want to hear it, but he really regrets getting me pregnant. I am 14 weeks pregnant with our first child, which we actively tried for. We each have 2 children from previous relationships, and there are blended family issues causing tension at the moment. I've been getting quite ill with regualr blackouts and am still suffering morning sickness.

We are going to try to make things work, but I am gutted to the core. It is not something that was said in the heat of a row, just in a "let's have a chat about what is wrong" talk.

I feel really upset - he is even talking about separating, and that his mum has offered to lend him money to get a deposit on a rented flat. We bought our forever home in October, and no way can I afford to pay the mortgage myself. I feel lost. I appreciate he is entitled to his own feelings, and to express these, but it doesn't hurt any less that he (a) is contemplating abandoning his pregnant wife and (b) has said he regrets the baby.

If he wants to separate, which he has said will be the case if our plan to improve things doesn't work, I really have no idea what will happen. I know this is a lot of what ifs, but the fact he has said how much he regrets all this, and that in his head he is at the stage where he has spoken to his mum who has offered him money, suggests that his mind may be made up already.

I think I just need some hand holding. He is/was my best friend, my happy ever after, only now it doesn't feel so much like that.

aufaniae Fri 08-Feb-13 10:26:05

That's great news smile Good to hear you're feeling more positive.

Don't forget about the mortgage holiday as a possibility - some mortgage companies will offer mortgage holidays for maternity, could make a big difference.

LouMacca Fri 08-Feb-13 10:27:11

Oh sorry see the lawyer has already been! - so pleased things are going in the right direction......

brianbennettfan Fri 08-Feb-13 10:27:56

Good morning lovely waves

I am delurking to just tell you (if you don't know it already) that YOU ROCK!

Hope you will be feeling better after the lawyer's visit and I hope your vile H is in for a horrible shock soon from said lawyer. Drama queen, indeed. I would love to see how he would cope with HG for one single day. Well he wouldn't, would he, because he is a coward and weakling of the first order. Please open up to everyone about his behaviour. He does not deserve your loyalty (in the form of your continuing silence about it.)

Ignore him, and that waste-of-space mother of yours. Mine was the same, in fact I ended up having no contact with her for 10 years before she died. Luckily I had great PILs.

Wish I could have been a fly on the wall when you binned H's dinner and told him to do one. Arse.

Wish I could do more for you. thanks

brianbennettfan Fri 08-Feb-13 10:30:45

X-post, you rock even more! x

Phew! Excellent news, Waves.

You might also be able to make the monthly repayments smaller by extending the terms of the mortgage, if it is 20 years make it 25? You can always adjust this at a later date if you want to.

Have a good rest and a good cry and let all that tension out of you. I expect that now that you have a good lawyer in charge of the situation you will begin to feel better.


AbsintheMinded Fri 08-Feb-13 10:35:57

Great news that he's moved out! And well done to you for telling him to get out.

I'm shocked that he turned from apologetic to nasty again so fast. I would be concerned about his mental health and scared for you if he were still in the house. Adding another bolt to the door was good advice.

Good on you for getting the lawyer sorted.

My goodness wrt your mother believing you could get fired for being sick and even hospitalised. Silly woman. Ignore, ignore, ignore. Has she never heard of unfair dismissals? She was terrible for trying to make you feel guilty. If she starts spewing shit the next time your on, pretend your phone is breaking up and hang up or if its in person, say "did you hear that? I better go and check what that noise was" and escape for a few mins, changing the subject when you return.

springyhopes Fri 08-Feb-13 10:37:59

That's one huge thing ticked off then - thank goodness for that.

I was thinking about abusive men and how it is recognised that the abuse escalates (or starts sad ) when the woman is pg. They very often go from sparklingly charming and lovely to unbelievably vile...

To that end, I wonder if you can contact some domestic abuse agencies to support you through this shocking time? Believe me, you don't have to be hit to be a victim of domestic abuse.

Keep going, you're doing marvellously. Day at a time.. xx

AbsintheMinded Fri 08-Feb-13 10:40:05

Oh cross post.
Fab news about the house. Delighted for you.

Don't worry about what people think. You didn't do anything wrong, it is all him. Twunt that he is.

porridgeLover Fri 08-Feb-13 10:47:23

Good news waves. One thing sorted. You will get there, by doing one job at a time.

Whitewineformeplease Fri 08-Feb-13 10:48:58

Well done Waves, I am in awe of how brave and strong you are! Have a lovely weekend with your babies thanks

Bogeyface Fri 08-Feb-13 10:55:32

If I got a call from a friend in your situation I can guarantee 2 things. One, that I would get right on your nerves with calling round with food, offers of help, doing your shopping etc and two, that your shit head of an ex would be persona non grata.

At no point would anyone who cares about think any the less of you and will want to help.

DuchessFanny Fri 08-Feb-13 11:03:50

Great news ! Must be a relief !!

Have your cry and let all that tension out, then get some rest ...

You must be so proud of your DC they sound absolutely lovely ( well, they have a lovely Mum !) and this will no doubt keep you going.. However i really think it will become easier the more RL friends know what has happened, as Bogeyface says, everyone will want to rally round if they are anything like us MN lot !

Try to talk to your Mum about other things if she calls, she sounds terribly draining and it's the last thing you need right now. You are doing so, so well but need support and supportive she aint !

AgathaF Fri 08-Feb-13 11:10:37

Wow, you have achieved so much in such a short time. That is really speedy legal advice.

Could you ask the friend you have already spoken to to do some of the contacting of people on your behalf?

Thumbwitch Fri 08-Feb-13 11:14:20

GREAT news about the house, Waves! Really really good because that is one major worry out of the way, effectively.

Your DC do sound lovely and supportive - I think you're all going to be all right, and sooner than you think possible. x

olgaga Fri 08-Feb-13 11:26:57

Well done Waves, you're a proper dynamo the way you get everything dealt with. Don't forget to try and get some rest!

wavesandsmiles Fri 08-Feb-13 11:38:44

Well, it is a start. The twunt is going to have to agree to it all, or there will be a more drawn out legal process, but the lawyer was very clear on my rights given I have funded the purchase, and that I will need suitable accommodation for myself and what will be 3DCs. HOPEFULLY he will see it as a quick way out, and agree to everything.

Sounds daft, but I also checked that he can't register the birth himself - I have been panicking about him giving the baby a stupid name, but she was pretty sure he can't do that.

So, I have a lot more peace of mind, and just need to cost up getting a replacement shower room so my "music room" can be let as a bedsit, get some help to repaint it and get a carpet down, and then the ensuite double room I can let out too, and that should allay some of the money worries too. I'll just have to be careful about who I take in. But that can wait a few weeks, I need to rest for now.

It is still hard to talk to people in RL - I genuinely don't have close friends - it is either people I get on with at work or my adult students or mums of my younger students or mums of my DCs friends that I know - the joys of working 6, sometimes 7 days a week (when I am healthy) and having been a single mum so long before DH. Just haven't had time to maintain friendships. So, I do feel a bit uncomfortable about asking for help.

GaryBuseysTeeth Fri 08-Feb-13 11:38:53

Great news about the house waves, what a relief.
Well done on your productive morning (I on the other hand am still in pyjamas!), and hurrah for your DC looking forward to a nice weekend with their mum.

Hope you have a nice good cry now (and then drink something after to rehydrate!) & a nap.
One thing at a time. xxx

wavesandsmiles Fri 08-Feb-13 11:59:25

I think I deserve a round of applause....the heating system is quite complicated (digital controller thing) and since we moved in the twunt was the only one who ever worked it. I just sussed it out and my radiators are heating up. So hopefully I will stop shivering now!

Stupid little achievement, but I feel really proud! (Just have to work out how to turn it off again at some stage)

Thumbwitch Fri 08-Feb-13 12:02:18

I am so relieved for you that you have done this before - I know that's a bit of a weird thing to say, but it's more a case of reverting to what you knew before, rather than having to learn how to do it all by yourself anew, like some of the betrayed women on here. You have done it before, you can do it again.

We had lodgers in the house when we were growing up - I think the first one was when I was about 12. They were all students, some male, some female and most of them only stayed for a year (the year they didn't get a place in college halls!), which worked out pretty well. Never a problem except for the fibs about smoking in the room - this is pretty standard for smoker lodgers, I have found!

When I had lodgers myself, I mostly had male lodgers, because as one friend said - if you have a female lodger and she brings a bloke home, you have a random bloke in the house. If you have a male lodger, who brings a woman home, then a random woman is slightly less dangerous than a random bloke. Although with DC it changes things again of course, and in your place I wouldn't be letting them bring ANYone home!

andsoitbegins Fri 08-Feb-13 12:04:51

Hi waves,

I've been following from the start and had to delurk to say well done on finally getting him out of the house (now's the time to change/add locks, esp. before he gets a letter from your lawyer and tries any new shit!)

Have you thought about ringing the Samaritans? It might really help to vent to an impartial and non-judgemental stranger if you are still finding it difficult to open up to potential supporters in RL.

Anyway, just wanted to say that I was chuffed to hear that you were feeling more positive and that your DCs sound like lovely children so well done for bringing them up so well - from what you've said about your life with DCs pre-shitbagH you sound capable, responsible and resilient. You'll do just fine, you'll see x

aufaniae Fri 08-Feb-13 12:07:31

Yay wavesandsmiles! You should fee proud smile

Here's some wine to celebrate (virtual wine is pregnancy-friendly of course grin)

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 08-Feb-13 12:36:46

Round of applause attagirl waves you haven't let the grass grow under your feet. Stupid H should realise a weakened physical state does not equate to being a doormat. If he thinks you'll be pleading for him to swan back he'll be in for a shock. Well done!

aufaniae Fri 08-Feb-13 12:58:26

*be not fee!

WingDefence Fri 08-Feb-13 12:59:40

Well done waves - you are a strong and competent woman!

Ormiriathomimus Fri 08-Feb-13 13:07:12

Chin up waves! You are amazing x

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