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So DH said...

(964 Posts)
wavesandsmiles Mon 28-Jan-13 14:18:18

He knew I wouldn't want to hear it, but he really regrets getting me pregnant. I am 14 weeks pregnant with our first child, which we actively tried for. We each have 2 children from previous relationships, and there are blended family issues causing tension at the moment. I've been getting quite ill with regualr blackouts and am still suffering morning sickness.

We are going to try to make things work, but I am gutted to the core. It is not something that was said in the heat of a row, just in a "let's have a chat about what is wrong" talk.

I feel really upset - he is even talking about separating, and that his mum has offered to lend him money to get a deposit on a rented flat. We bought our forever home in October, and no way can I afford to pay the mortgage myself. I feel lost. I appreciate he is entitled to his own feelings, and to express these, but it doesn't hurt any less that he (a) is contemplating abandoning his pregnant wife and (b) has said he regrets the baby.

If he wants to separate, which he has said will be the case if our plan to improve things doesn't work, I really have no idea what will happen. I know this is a lot of what ifs, but the fact he has said how much he regrets all this, and that in his head he is at the stage where he has spoken to his mum who has offered him money, suggests that his mind may be made up already.

I think I just need some hand holding. He is/was my best friend, my happy ever after, only now it doesn't feel so much like that.

Mumofjz Mon 28-Jan-13 14:29:40

Is it more that he's regretting the situation rather than baby. A pregnancy then baby puts immense pressure on any family and more so on those that are struggling to combine two families with issues. It's too late now to say lets get this or that part of the situation sorted before moving on, what's done is done.

Has he said that he would be still willing to support you even if he moves out. Would him moving out ease some of the other family stress?

Numberlock Mon 28-Jan-13 14:35:57

I think this is the cruellest type of behaviour, what exactly are you supposed to do with this information?

The fact that he's spoken to his mum, is already putting plans in place to move out and making financial arrangements that don't involve you, would get me doing some serious digging around to find out what's the actual reason behind this. It sounds like he's several stages further on than just pre-baby 'nerves'.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 28-Jan-13 15:00:14

Actively tries for a baby then 14 weeks down the line he gets cold feet? I would be upset too. Are your 2 DCs living with you, do his DCs visit at weekends? Any job worries? Mortgage more than you can handle together? Walking out would be reprehensible. Before he lines up any more exit plans I would urge him to talk. Listen and talk. I take it his mum knows you are expecting. Are you and she close? Is he close to anyone in your corner?

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 28-Jan-13 15:16:36

I agree with Numberlock.

What a bombshell that must have been.

Even worse now that you discover he has been making plans to leave.

He has checked out already.

The usual reason for this is OW. I would do some digging around - has he been possessive with his phone, laptop etc?

Charbon Mon 28-Jan-13 15:17:27

What has his behaviour been like recently? Any changes that you attributed to other causes?

You bought a house in October and were actively trying for a baby around that time too. So something has happened between October and now, hasn't it?

WingDefence Mon 28-Jan-13 15:21:30

Oh bloody hell waves that is absolutely rubbish sad I clicked on this thread without a clue and only saw it was you when I got to the end of your OP.

The sentence you wrote about the fact he's already discussed this with his mum and gone through options with her does make it sound as if he's thought about this for a fairly long time.

Have you discussed exactly how you are going to try to make this work? He can't just dump this info on you and expect things to magically get better? Have you been to counselling?

I'm afraid I have other proper advice (but I'm sure you know there are lots of wise MNers on these relationships thread) but definitely hand-holding here for you. brew

WingDefence Mon 28-Jan-13 15:22:00

*no other proper advice
I meant to say sad

Numberlock Mon 28-Jan-13 16:04:40

If he wants to separate

he really regrets getting me pregnant

he is even talking about separating

I've read through your post again, waves. There's a lot about what he wants/thinks isn't there. I know how hard it would be but I wouldn't be sitting round for him to decide whether he wants to leave/stay. I'd ask him to leave while you work out what you want in the light of this information. By all means still meet up to talk and attend counselling if you so wish, but I'd feel that he was taking the piss out of me by still being in the same house whilst plotting his exact plan. Call his bluff and tell him you think the plan to set up his own home is an excellent plan and kick him out. And start checking phones, emails etc to get to the real truth.

wavesandsmiles Mon 28-Jan-13 16:09:31

Hi, in terms of the living arrangements, my DCs are with us fulltime - my exH left when DS was just under 2, and DD was 5 months old. He has no contact (we don't even know where he lives!) Dh's DCs are with us 2 week nights, and each weekend (Sat lunchtime til Sunday teatime) Jobs are secure, mortgage fine between us, but unmanageable on a single salary. His mum knows about the baby, as do all the DCs. I thought I was close to his family, but obviously not. I am really hurt that his mum, rather than suggest he supports his pregnant wife, is offering him money to move out.

His behaviour has been different. We started ttc in late September, and got the positive in late November, so didn't take long.

It really does feel like a bombshell. I don't know what to do with what he has said. I have suggested ways of fixing things, but I don't know how committed he is to the concept. I think walking out would be shocking, but he genuinely doesn't seem to see it like that. Just keeps saying that his DSs come first, and they are unhappy. His older DS was very opposed to us marrying as he saw me as a threat. So, I think DH is feeling guilty. I asked him about this and he kept saying, well the baby isn't here yet. So, in his mind, it is ok to walk out on us (and my DCs who are very close to him, especially as he is the closest thing they have had to a dad)

I don't think he has time for there to be an OW, but he password protects EVERYTHING. So I have no idea at all of what he is up to. He has been drinking a lot, passing out and sleeping on the sofa a few times, which in itself I find really upsetting.

I don't think I recognise him too much anymore. He isn't the loving caring man he was. He won't go to counselling, he has said absolutely no way to that.

I feel pathetic, keep fighting back tears. I wish I hadn't sold my house to fund this new place. All my equity went into this house, and I had worked so hard to keep that as a single mum to my DCs. Now I feel that I am actually facing being without a home and it is all a bit much. And I know that this stress is no good for the baby. I am blacking out especially when there is fighting or tension, and even fell down the stairs yesterday due to fainting.

So, as I see it, I have to magically fix things, which includes his DSS's resentment of me and my children, or he is off. I want this to be a bad dream. Instead, I am thinking about letting the kids rooms out to finance his half of the mortgage, and contemplating having to hand my baby over to the man who abandoned us...

Numberlock Mon 28-Jan-13 16:17:03

I am really hurt that his mum, rather than suggest he supports his pregnant wife, is offering him money to move out

I guess the issue here is that you don't know what he's told his mum. He could have told her that he's met someone else, wants out asap, therefore there's little point in her telling him to stay put.

His behaviour has been different

Since when? You found out you were pregnant or more recently?

he password protects EVERYTHING

Has he always done this or is it a recent development?

He has been drinking a lot, passing out and sleeping on the sofa a few times, which in itself I find really upsetting He won't go to counselling, he has said absolutely no way to that

All big red flags and proof that he doesn't want to address any of the issues.

How old are all the children?

Charbon Mon 28-Jan-13 16:22:47

I think he has been involved with someone else. Could it be his exwife, with all these references to his boys being upset about your relationship?

If you're not together 24/7, there is always time for an affair. People often say they are at work when they are not, or the affair is with someone there.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 28-Jan-13 16:31:48

Whether the SDCs are self motivated or encouraged by their parent, or even facilitated by PIL who carries a torch for spouse #1, there is a potential for mischief and ultimate destruction of a relationship. There could be a lethal combination of issues even without another OW or OM lurking.

Was Christmas or New Year a flashpoint? Has drinking been a problem before?

Legally OP you and your DCs couldn't be cast out on the street. Have you a joint account, do you have family support of your own?

We are going to try to make things work...he wants to separate, which he has said will be the case if our plan to improve things doesn't work

If you want to run those plans by us we could try and offer advice, but if as MadAbout suggests he has mentally checked out already, I don't think putting yourself through hoops is going to improve matters.

wavesandsmiles Mon 28-Jan-13 21:13:48

Reading your replies helps put things into perspective. I work full time, have sole responsibility for my DCs and teach part time as well. I can't be jumping through hoops to try to fix something that I don't see is really in my control anyway.

So my first step is to see my GP to address the blackouts. Putting me and the baby first!

Had a few words with "D"H (not feeling so "D"ish) about him after what he has said, and told him that this is as up to him as it is to me to fix, and a good start point would be to try to make me feel a bit loved. So, I have put the ball in his court, whilst also stating clearly that I am absolutely committed to him, our marriage, our baby and our future and am prepared to work WITH him to fix things. Hoping to get a serious response over the next few days.

In terms of the possibility of an OW, I am sure it isn't his ex partner. He had an awful time with her, and she is in a serious relationship with someone else. If there is another someone, I am sure that will come out in time. For now, I want to see if he can commit to us. If not, then he is going to have to work out how he can move out and not leave me and the DCs and the baby without a home or the finances to pay for it. I'm not in any state to play games or expend energy I genuinely don't have trying to appease him, and do all the work.

Sorry this is a bit rambly, I still feel so sore about what he said, and how cold he was to me and about our baby. Think I shall try and get an early night rather than have these thoughts racing through my mind any longer sad

AnonAndOnAndOn Mon 28-Jan-13 22:03:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Charbon Mon 28-Jan-13 22:34:45

When a partner is ambivalent and is saying he's not sure whether he wants to remain in the relationship, the only course of action that ever works is to ask him to leave.

Regardless of what you've said about him having to equal your efforts at fixing things, the sad truth is that the person who wants to leave instantly has all the power in the relationship. That means that even subconsciously, you will not be acting authentically in case he threatens to leave again. You will be doing everything in your power to make him choose life with you, whereas because you've accepted this state of affairs, he has no incentive to get you to choose him.

Parting equalises the power. It becomes as much about whether you will choose to have someone back who isn't sure about his commitment, as it becomes his choice about whether to work things out.

So I'd drastically rethink your strategy here and be much more vigilant to the possibility there is someone else pulling some strings here.

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot Mon 28-Jan-13 22:42:07

I'm sorry you (and your kids) are going through this sad

Your last post is really good - try hard to hang onto that strength & resolve.

He is an utter bastard and there's something going on...

AnonAndOnAndOn Mon 28-Jan-13 22:46:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wavesandsmiles Tue 29-Jan-13 00:14:41

Want to swear. He took the dog for a walk and left his laptop on and his phone behind. Managed to see his browsing history. He has been looking at other places to live, LATE ABORTIONS and quickie divorces. And porn too. I tried calling, his phone flashed here, and I realised I could check the messages. He has been texting his ex girlfriend, really late at night, and she is sending flirty texts back. His most recent was yesterday, setting out that we are over. Am I allowed to swear? I really want to.....

I don't think he will go. Not unless he knows he doesn't have to pay his half of the mortgage. He has been investigating whether our baby can be terminated. I confronted him when he got in and he says I have invaded his privacy, and he does not live in North Korea and is entitled to look up whatever he wants on the internet, and text whoever he wants.

I feel really broken. I feel like I am not good enough. I've been working myself to the bone in a demanding ft job, and teaching, and taking as many gigs as possible to put money into our house renovations and saving up for the baby. I just got into bed with him and felt sick, which is why I am downstairs now on the computer. I should be sleeping, I have a massive work meeting tomorrow, and need to sleep, but I can't. I want to be strong, but I don't know if I can be. This is utterly rubbish. I can't believe, still, that he has been investigating late abortions. And the texts. I want to roar.

CoolaSchmoola Tue 29-Jan-13 00:29:47

waves I am so so sorry you had to find such disgusting things out. What an utter bastard he is being.

You are more than good enough, he isn't good enough for you. Nothing you did made him behave in this way - he made his own choices.

And by all means swear - as much as you like. <un-mumsnetty hugs>

GregBishopsBottomBitch Tue 29-Jan-13 00:30:37

Wave, I think you have all the answers you need, tell him to go and not come back.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Tue 29-Jan-13 00:32:42

Infact, Wave, wake his cunting arse up and tell him to fuck right off.

AnyFucker Tue 29-Jan-13 00:33:16

I am so sorry.

Get some sleep now.

Have your roar tomorrow. Call in sick, firstly. Then get this man out of your house.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 29-Jan-13 00:35:21

sad I'm sorry. angry He's a shit. North Korea, don't tell me he tried to claim the moral high ground.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Tue 29-Jan-13 00:36:58

Men like that always try to claim the high ground, its defence bullshit, like "Shit, im rumbled, make up bullshit", they all do it.

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