Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

"If you don't have an abortion then I'll do it for you myself"

(84 Posts)
Kyrptonite Mon 28-Jan-13 13:34:57

This is what "D"P said to me yesterday. I'm 7 weeks pregnant, it would be my third and his fourth. I knew he wasn't happy about it all but this has properly shocked me. I told him to leave, he said try and make him.
I agreed to do it. I don't want to do it, I really don't. I let him bully me into one last year and we had been using condoms. This feels like it should be happening (as wanky as that sounds).

What the fuck do i do? People at work know about the baby, MIL is my manager so she knows but DP doesn't know that anyone else knows (I needed to say it out loud to people so that it sunk in). My head is a fucking mess.

I know he's angry. He probably has a right to be as him bullying me into an abortion is probably no worse than me forcing a child he doesn't want upon him. There is no compromise here is there?

I'm rambling. I needed to get it all out.

badgersma Mon 28-Jan-13 14:10:22

What utter sense, Trills. You must have been there and worn the t-shirt. The trouble is that you can't always smell how bad the shit is until you are at a distance, downwind of it. I'm so please the OP has had the insight to seek advice. I wish I had known of such a site when I experienced abuse. I didn't know what was happening and thought it was all my fault.
It sounds like any place away from him would be a better place. Get him back to his mother's and see how much she'll take.
There are decent men, quite true, and they're not always where you expect to find them.
Best of luck and strength to Kyrptonite.

peachypips Mon 28-Jan-13 14:13:42

Bloody hell. Poor you. Is it not better to have no OH at all than one like that?

MariusEarlobe Mon 28-Jan-13 14:14:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whocansay Mon 28-Jan-13 14:17:03

You must go to the police. He's threatening to hurt you to get his way. Take him at his word. Change the locks and get his stuff moved to his mum's house. Talk to women's aid and any friends or family who can offer support.

I'm so sorry OP, you must be in pieces. There is no excuse for his behaviour.

Branleuse Mon 28-Jan-13 14:18:57

That sent a chill through me. I think you need to get away

ResolutelyCheeky Mon 28-Jan-13 14:21:27

Are you going to listen to any of this advice OP. He may not have physically hurt you but by forcing an abortion on you that you didn't want he has mentally hurt you. Why would you want this man around your children?

Women's Aid is there to help you.

If you don't think you deserve better surely you think your children do?

Good luck

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows Mon 28-Jan-13 14:25:25

Yeah, he's a right nasty piece of work. I hope that you can get away from this person and make a decision about this pregnancy without being bullied.

Kyrptonite Mon 28-Jan-13 14:25:28

I'm so fucking terrified. We have just moved to the next county over, I don't have my driving test until the end of march and its an hour on the bus to my mums. We aren't really a close family, she will be furious I'm pregnant again (I'm 24) and I'm worried about causing hassle for everyone.

I don't really have any friends (that sounds pathetic, I know) and I don't know how to start over again. I know he has to leave.

Most of the furniture was here when we moved in so he can't take that. The only thing that's his really is the tv. I feel like I'm letting DSD down. Her mum is moving 100 miles away with her in 2 weeks, I've been in her life since she was 5 months old and now she will think I'm abandoning her.

The DCs are 3 and 2. They won't understand why their dad has gone and there will have to be access to him.

This is such a fucking mess.

Thank you everyone that's replied.

Whocansay Mon 28-Jan-13 14:28:38

You are not letting anyone down - don't give those kinds of thoughts headspace. He is dangerous and you must protect yourself. I would also suggest that any access he has to the children should be supervised.

Concentrate on Police / Women's Aid / Legal Advice.

AnyFucker Mon 28-Jan-13 14:32:31

You are jumping too far ahead, love

Speak to the police and Women's Aid.

Access to the dc comes later, and if you use the professional's help they will guide you into making sure any access is supervised.

Personally, I would leave him, take the kids and see him in court before I would let a man that threatened to kill an unborn baby have any contact at all.

Your existing kids are young enough to not know what is going on. Get him out of your lives before they start getting too attached to him and thus massively complicate matters.

delilahlilah Mon 28-Jan-13 14:32:52

Don't worry about causing hassle. Those who mind, don't matter and those who matter, don't mind. You need to be safe with your DCs. You will get lots of support here.

delilahlilah Mon 28-Jan-13 14:33:47

YY to everything that AnyFucker said too ...

ouryve Mon 28-Jan-13 14:34:10

That's a physical threat. Call the police.

Kyrptonite Mon 28-Jan-13 14:35:22

Thank you everyone. I'm going to speak to woman's aid when the DCs are in bed.

stinkyfluffycat Mon 28-Jan-13 14:36:21

Get him removed first, and then worry about everything else once he's gone. Surely your mum will be furious with him for being vile, and not with you for being pregnant (you can't be blamed for condoms failing, anyway).

Thumbwitch Mon 28-Jan-13 14:42:46

Jeez-us - I remember reading your last thread, he's really upped the ante, hasn't he! shockangry
Agree with others - police, WA, get rid of him - you've told his mother, she was shocked, what else did she say? I hope she was properly angry about it!

Your age isn't particularly relevant - your mum's attitude sucks as well, btw - what matters is that you've already had one abortion you didn't want and now he's trying to force you into another or threatening to kill your child himself.

Your DSD, although you are lovely to consider her, isn't a reason to stay with this wanker of a man. I don't know how old she is (I'm guessing not very - 4/5?) but if you get on at all with her mum, perhaps you can maintain some kind of contact with her outside of the relationship with her dad.

Please please get rid of this abusive arse.

ResolutelyCheeky Mon 28-Jan-13 14:50:27

Keep strong, there are some brilliant people on here that will hold your hand.

Kyrptonite Mon 28-Jan-13 15:10:07

I've been on the Womens Aid website and there is support local to me. If I tell him to leave and he kicks off then I will call the police. I think I will put some bits in a bag so that if I need to get the DCs out quickly then I can grab a bag and leave.
I'm also going to make a doctors appointment for this week and see if I can get some counselling. Once I am out of this situation I don't want to ever get sucked back into anything remotely similar.

He was telling me the other day that I'm refusing to have an abortion for pathetic reasons and that I am pathetic. All whilst holding DS who was nodding along with his dad. I can't believe I just sat there and let that happen. I've been such a shit parent, letting them see and hear him do things like this.

Whocansay Mon 28-Jan-13 15:44:18

The bag is a great idea. Put all your important stuff in there - passports, birth certificates, financial paperwork, so if you need to leave in a hurry, you can grab and go.

You're neither pathetic or a shit parent. You have simply been living with an abusive man and you have become used to normalising his behaviour.

Kyrptonite Mon 28-Jan-13 16:01:24

Thank you for reminding me about paperwork. I had forgotten all about it.

ResolutelyCheeky Mon 28-Jan-13 16:18:56

It is awful that they had been witness to this but you seem to be making tracks towards changing that and that is what matters.

You are very brave and you will be incredibly strong without knowing you had it in you.

Good luck

VariousBartimaeus Mon 28-Jan-13 16:45:52

You can do this.

Put the important stuff together in one bag (but don't let your P get hold of it).

Add things like medecine if any of you take it, bank details, rent details etc. Any medical paperwork too.

You are not pathetic.

Keep posting here - you'll get lots of support and good advice.

Good luck x

AnyFucker Mon 28-Jan-13 16:50:27

You are not pathetic. Don't let his words hold you back.

delilahlilah Mon 28-Jan-13 16:55:01

It may be worth speaking to your local police (call 101) and telling them about the threats he has made, and that you plan to ask him to leave and see what their advice is. At least they will know what they need to do should you have to call them later.
Also, the bag maybe better hidden very safely with a friend or somewhere secure outside, as he is quite likely to try and stop you taking the children - so may try to grab the bag.
I don't want to scare you, just help you be prepared as best you can be. You are doing the best for your children and you are not a crap parent.

imtheonlyone Mon 28-Jan-13 17:29:26

All very sound advice here and I'm pleased to hear that, despite how awful it's going to be, you don't see a future in the relationship. It will be hard and it will be emotional etc but worth it in the end. Stay strong for our DC and remind yourself constantly that you're doing the right thing for them and for yourself.

Defo get all the paperwork - make sure you have everything ... I forgot to take the bank books and he empties my boys' bank accounts!!!

If you can get him to leave (either with or without police) speak to put landlord and have the locks changes ASAP so he can't get back in.

Good luck x

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: